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Hello, all. - 11/23/2009 5:23:13 AM   
CIE888


Posts: 3
Joined: 11/8/2009
Status: offline 		I'm new to his site - and the lifestyle - and I have a few questions.

1. Is it unusual to seek out a sub/slave and not be into S & M? Admittedly, I'm not the kinkiest guy in the world - and while I do have sadistic thoughts, I am not the type of inflict physical pain on other people. That is totally out of character for me. At the same time, I have a very domineering personality, and I'm far more comfortable as a 'leader'. I realized that my relationships would last longer if I were with someone more submissive.

2. I'm a really generous guy, and I'm not sure if pampering a sub/slave is considered acceptable behavior. Even if it isn't the norm, I'm sure their are a minority of women who'd be into it - but that'd make my search so much more difficult, unfortunately.

I seek your opinions on these matter. Maybe I'm too vanilla  for this lifestyle - and if that's the truth, I'm fine with that. I just know that my "need to lead" has been a downfall for me in past relationships with women, and I seek to avoid those conflicts by all means, at this point in my life.

3.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Hello, all. - 11/23/2009 5:33:22 AM   
Llyren


Posts: 637
Joined: 3/5/2007
From: Illinois
Status: offline 		Despite my own lack of experience, I do know one thing, there is no 'One True Way'.  Your kinks are just that, your kinds, and you needn't be extreme to be valid.   Besides, what one person views as mild, is a hard limit for someone else. 

Good luck in finding someone with whom you click, and please be careful of scammers.


_____________________________

I'm not perving. I'm compensating for my myopia. So nyah.


Member of Cock-Suckers for World Peace

"Character is what you are in the dark."

- Lord John Whorfin

(in reply to CIE888)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Hello, all. - 11/23/2009 6:07:49 AM   
onlyfreelycaged


Posts: 254
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		yes. There are subs who love to be pampered who don't like pain.. or other "play" activities.

(in reply to Llyren)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Hello, all. - 11/23/2009 6:11:02 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		You do not have to be in a authority relationship (Ds or Ms) and be a sadist or masochist.

the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to CIE888)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Hello, all. - 11/23/2009 6:26:10 AM   
kanina


Posts: 147
Joined: 11/19/2009
Status: offline 		1. I'm a masochist or i like pain so if i was looking for a Dom i would not want you obviously, but theres are other woman that hate pain and so the would love you...  it depends a lot...

2. i like, as i believe every woman does, to be pampered (don´t know if that is spelled correctly :S)  but not to much...

(in reply to CIE888)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Hello, all. - 11/23/2009 7:22:27 AM   
LadyChallene


Posts: 207
Joined: 5/18/2009
Status: offline 		Maybe I am way off point... But, BDSM is how I see the lifestyle I love and live. There a four letters there. I am not limited to picking a single number between one and four to define what I want, need, like and am willing to engage in. I choose all four letters to varying degrees on different days of the week, and sometimes twice on the weekends. When someone willingly put limits on what they are willing (not able) to explore, think about or talk about ...  is rather like putting on blinders, turning out all the lights and then complaining that they can't see and no one will come help them.

I do not eat the same thing day after day, nor do I drink the same thing at every meal. Variety, flexibility and a willingness to learn and grow are the spices I choose to sprinkle liberally over my life.

_____________________________

Heads I win, tails you lose.
Will that squeak if I squeeze it?
I hate torturing people, but I'm really, really good at it.

(in reply to CIE888)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Hello, all. - 11/23/2009 7:37:18 AM   
GYPSYMAMBO


Posts: 660
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CIE888

I'm new to his site - and the lifestyle - and I have a few questions.

1. Is it unusual to seek out a sub/slave and not be into S & M?
NO...there are as many relationship types as there are people..
Once a person knows their desires..style etc they then can seek a match based on commonalities and compatibility...the same as a regular relationship with kink/or BDSM mixed in

.. At the same time, I have a very domineering personality, and I'm far more comfortable as a 'leader'. I realized that my relationships would last longer if I were with someone more submissive.
SO then you have narrowed this to the idea of what will make a relationship WORK for you..good for you


2. I'm a really generous guy, and I'm not sure if pampering a sub/slave is considered acceptable behavior.
Acceptable TO WHO.??.who matters? You and her..
YOU are the leader of the relationship..

Even if it isn't the norm, I'm sure their are a minority of women who'd be into it - but that'd make my search so much more difficult, unfortunately.
I disagree...I think you may have a wrong idea here and assume that a submissive is like the BDSM porn you may have seen and treated like utter shit??
Maybe at that moment as a NEGOTIATED thing but not in reality.Most subs are doted on..cherished..loved,,like any other
"partner"..A woman can be feminine..love to be pampered and also be submissive to her D and used unrelentingly for all sorts of nasty fun stuff


Maybe I'm too vanilla  for this lifestyle -
Vanilla...with a few nuts..is good..chocolate...triple berry..
You can design a realtionship that FITS you.
and do not have to FIT a label or anyone's IDEA of BDSM..


I just know that my "need to lead" has been a downfall for me in past relationships with women,
If you need ot lead..refine it..hone it..make sure you are a good leader of integrity and stability...not selfish..but one of strong character who wishes to be served.
Develop more of who you are like you are doing and you will attract a partner" evolving"/willing to be moldeded  to what you need.


< Message edited by GYPSYMAMBO -- 11/23/2009 7:39:25 AM >

_____________________________

"Better served women will better serve the world"

** ** **

"A turd is still a turd even if it is shellaced!"

(in reply to CIE888)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Hello, all. - 11/23/2009 8:45:13 AM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline 		OP-
There are plenty of couples who enjoy more the Dominance, with a very low or even nonexistant "kink"; Kim and I are one of those.

If you spend some time on the boards you will see that the biggest scorn is heaped not on those who are vanilla, but those who feel there is a One True Way.

So welcome, and live your life as you see fit.

(in reply to CIE888)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Hello, all. - 11/23/2009 8:47:26 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		First off welcome. My Master and i are Ds not Ms. I do not get off on the pain and Master is a sensual not sadistic Dom. If you don't like to inflict pain do not hook up with a maso. That woud not work for either of you. I am not pampered as much as spoiled not in a bratty way we actually spoil each other. Just find a sub with interested similar to yours and se where that goes. Best of luck.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to GYPSYMAMBO)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Hello, all. - 11/23/2009 12:01:37 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CIE888
1. Is it unusual to seek out a sub/slave and not be into S & M? Admittedly, I'm not the kinkiest guy in the world - and while I do have sadistic thoughts, I am not the type of inflict physical pain on other people. That is totally out of character for me. At the same time, I have a very domineering personality, and I'm far more comfortable as a 'leader'. I realized that my relationships would last longer if I were with someone more submissive.
In other words, a lot like me. Although honestly, I wouldn't pin your hopes on a long-lasting relationship on you being in charge. ANY good leader also knows how to cooperate and how to submit when appropriate. Doing a lifestyle relationship isn't some sort of silver bullet. But for me, none of this is based on kink and I'm not a sadist. I like owning my wife, plain and simple -- no BDSM adornments are necessary for us.

quote:

2. I'm a really generous guy, and I'm not sure if pampering a sub/slave is considered acceptable behavior. Even if it isn't the norm, I'm sure their are a minority of women who'd be into it - but that'd make my search so much more difficult, unfortunately.

I suspect you'd find out more than a minority. Carol, at least, enjoys having clear and firm direction. But that doesn't mean that she also doesn't enjoy a great many other things... many of which I endeavor to provide. I love the woman for crying out loud. I love her all the more because of her commitment to belonging to me. How could I not seek to make her happy?

quote:

I seek your opinions on these matter. Maybe I'm too vanilla for this lifestyle - and if that's the truth, I'm fine with that. I just know that my "need to lead" has been a downfall for me in past relationships with women, and I seek to avoid those conflicts by all means, at this point in my life.

I can sympathize. As a vanilla guy who happens to like exploring the far reaches of an authority based relationship, I also had a ton of questions about "do I belong in this crowd?" It's hard to avoid them. If you look at all the images on this site and a lot of the text, there's a huge focus on sex, leather, whips and chains. In the end, I got some good advice from various posters here. NO relationship is like any other. At BEST, you can find common ground and similarities that may help you to explor further. So you have to decide, do you personally find enough common ground strictly on the basis of D/s to gain knowledge here? I do. One thing that surprised me and may surprise you. It seems a lot of people lump D/s into a "kink" category even though D/s is not about sex. One of my favorite "sex positive" female friends thinks of many of the things I do with Carol as "kinky" even though I don't see it that way. Interpretations are in the mind of the beholder. But at least for some, simply leashing her at night in bed is "kinky".

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to CIE888)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Hello, all. - 11/23/2009 3:02:03 PM   
ncbabe


Posts: 1060
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline 		You sound just fine to me.  My thoughts are that if you are a natural leader looking for a submissive who is not into pain and likes to be shown lots of affection, there will be a submissive out there looking for someone to lead her who will treat her well and not cause her physical pain.

As for being 'too vanilla'... one thing I have discovered about this lifestyle is that there are such varying degrees of dominance/submission, and everyone has their own various kinks, but all of it seems to be accepted providing you don't start telling others that your way is the only and best way.  So like I said, you sound fine to me and I wish you luck finding someone.

_____________________________

As we think, so we become.

Nichts ist unmöglich


(in reply to CIE888)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Hello, all. - 11/23/2009 3:19:57 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I don't enjoy pain.
He enjoys pampering me to a degree.
We both enjoy bondage.
He makes a better leader than I do.

This relationship only involves the two of us, so however we tailor it to our desires, is good.  Nobody will take away your dom card if you take her to the movies and hold her hand, I promise.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to ncbabe)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Hello, all. - 11/23/2009 9:07:39 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline 		CIE888,
As others have said, there is more than one valid interpretation of this lifestyle.  The only one that should matter to you is the one that you and your future sub agree on.

Frankly, i think that you are falling into a trap that i see so many newbies to the lifestyle fall into.  You are confusing D/s with S/M.  They are not the same, and they aren't even necessarily related.

my personal kink is very vanilla by most people's standards.  i don't enjoy being in a 24/7 scene.  Most of my life is very normal.  i am not into pain, bondage, or most masochistic activities.  i simply enjoy a female-led relationship.  It is the power exchange that i enjoy, and i am very comfortable with that.  i don't care if others think i am "vanilla".

You need to identify the aspects of BDSM that you are most comfortable with.  Once you identify those, keep them and eliminate the rest. 

(in reply to CIE888)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Hello, all. - 11/24/2009 3:27:59 AM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline 		He is a sadist, i am a masochist. It works well for us. When we play, there is almost always pain, to what degree? Depends on our moods. But, He can also be quite sensual when He wants to be.

As already stated, you know who you are and what you feel comfortable with, you just need to find the person who has the same interests and needs.

Nothing wrong with pampering someone. I get that from Him to a point. He will rub my shoulders, do what He can to make me feel good. When I stay over, in the mornings HE makes the coffee and allows me the small luxury of staying in bed. But, it's not one sided. i do what i can for Him, whether during play or not. The main thing i think is to make the other person happy.

Edit - WOW, did that make sense? lol Sometimes it's hard to get out what i am thinking in a way people will understand. Either way, Good luck! :)

< Message edited by Elizabeth666 -- 11/24/2009 3:30:42 AM >

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Hello, all. - 11/24/2009 8:16:56 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Whatever makes you happy- there aren't any rules to follow. If you find someone to connect with who wants the same type of thing then it's magic  

My relationship sounds very much like what you have described in your OP. D/s underlies everything between us but it isn't what defines us- if that makes any sense. The biggest thing that defines us is how we feel about each other and how we connect as a couple. All I know for sure is that he is in charge and I do my best to support him. He leads, I follow, what comes next may change from day to day.
We get along ridiculously well in all areas. As far as I'm concerned we have the perfect relationship - for us - everyone else is different. Find what you want and have fun with it.

(in reply to CIE888)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Hello, all. - 11/24/2009 9:11:47 AM   
rockspider


Posts: 633
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline 		I have noticed the emphasis on this site seem so much being in to quite extreme kind of activities and the ones looking for something kinky, fun and painless is an minority. My 40 years of experince has only on extreme rare occasions turned up woman who wants to crawl around on the floor, eat of a dog bowl, having the crap beaten out of them daily and kept sleeping in a cage in an old dirty cellar. However on CM they seem to be plentyfull, but then one is some fantasy, quite another to live it out.
On the other hand i very rarely come across a woman which i have had sexual relations with turn down the offer of a long slow massage done on a nice bed in a room lit by candlelight and scented with some nice smellies. If your intentions is to put cuffs on her later, the successrate being allowed that, is certainly increased by waiting to show her the cuffs to after the massage. If you get that far and is in to pleasuring her in that manner, then the success rate of her responding the way i like, is possible between 1 in 2 and 1 in 3 based on my experience. There really is no way of knowing before you try, but when you do get a hit it is truly awesome. Of course on CM it should be much higher as here the ones responding to that either knows they enjoy it or think they might.
It was really nice to read this tread as it is really first time i have read a whole tread of people who profess that they play on my turf. Sad you all live that far away, it would have been really nice inviting you around for some fun.
To OP, just keep trying, might take some misses but the hitters certainly out there.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Hello, all. - 11/24/2009 4:46:18 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline 		I am into pain and intensely dislike being pampered. But I am contacted by a huge number of doms who do not like to give pain and who do like to pamper. The ones who do not like to give pain outnunber the ones who like to pamper, but I bump into large numbers of both sorts, so you are not at all alone. In fact, sometimes I think your type is in the majority on here. Still, I'm not quite sure why they write me when my profile is pretty explicit about these matters.

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to rockspider)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Hello, all. - 11/25/2009 7:52:48 PM   
Nightbird02


Posts: 24
Joined: 10/24/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CIE888

1. Is it unusual to seek out a sub/slave and not be into S & M? Admittedly, I'm not the kinkiest guy in the world - and while I do have sadistic thoughts, I am not the type of inflict physical pain on other people. That is totally out of character for me. At the same time, I have a very domineering personality, and I'm far more comfortable as a 'leader'. I realized that my relationships would last longer if I were with someone more submissive.

S&M is a whole 'nother realm. Sure it can be included in a D/s or M/s relationship, but it's not like it's mandatory. Perfect example, I would love to find a Dom or Master but I am definitely not a masochist. Maybe a spanking here and there if (when ) I get bratty, but that's as a punishment...

quote:


2. I'm a really generous guy, and I'm not sure if pampering a sub/slave is considered acceptable behavior. Even if it isn't the norm, I'm sure their are a minority of women who'd be into it - but that'd make my search so much more difficult, unfortunately.

Pampering? I like being pampered...what's wrong with being pampered??

quote:


I seek your opinions on these matter. Maybe I'm too vanilla  for this lifestyle - and if that's the truth, I'm fine with that. I just know that my "need to lead" has been a downfall for me in past relationships with women, and I seek to avoid those conflicts by all means, at this point in my life.

I don't think there really is a such thing as "too vanilla"  (only the ones we make up as horror stories!). Everyone has their own "kink", whether it's pain, romance, ropes, kissing, submission, or trees. Acknowledging your "kink" is the first step to finding that perfect match. Besides, if we were all the same and "normal", we'd all die of boredom...lol.

So, on that note...welcome and good luck in your search!


_____________________________

If someone gives you a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, where does the other penny go? Do you get change?

(in reply to CIE888)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Hello, all. - 11/25/2009 10:17:28 PM   
Drifa


Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CIE888
...while I do have sadistic thoughts, I am not the type of inflict physical pain on other people. That is totally out of character for me.


I wanted to talk about the fact that you do sometimes enjoy sadistic thoughts.

Have you considered that there's a difference between hurting someone with "bad pain" that they don't consent to, vs. "good pain", the kinds of sensation that are not at all painful in a sexual or play situation that your masochistic playmate loves to have? It's like love bites, or playful spankings -- neither are unusual in quite vanilla relationships. Having someone nibbling down the back of your neck when aroused ... <shivers in remembered delight>, but the same amount of force and bite would be perceived very differently if delivered in a non-sexual situation.

You might consider that there's a scale of degree of sadism available. I frankly LOVE being flogged with a nice elkhide mop flogger, it's like a really lovely massage or something. After that's gone on a while, then stingier impact play starts to feel good, say a riding crop, applied in short flickering swats. At the end of the play my fanny is red and tingly and I'm pretty happy about it. So what I am saying is that sadistic thoughts can translate into delightful play for both the sadist and masochist without actually harming your partner.

The absolute key to all of this is honest and open communications with your partner. Some subs don't want any sensation or impact play, others live for it. If you have sadistic thoughts, I assure you there are people out there who would love to let you experiment with them with their full consent and enthusiastic cooperation. So work out ahead of time what each of you expects from the experience, where the limits are, and what you both want and need from the relationship.

No one requires a dominant dish out spankings. But for a lot of us, it's fun when they do!

< Message edited by Drifa -- 11/25/2009 10:18:23 PM >

(in reply to CIE888)
Profile   Post #: 19
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