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breathe - 11/23/2009 9:03:14 PM

candisa

Posts: 127
Joined: 1/7/2008
Status: offline

been waiting so long

for the right man to see

the lil girl that
dwells inside me

wishing to find
a place where

my heart can slither free

the tear drops fall

I'll wipe them away

shutting out the world

the pain follows

I'm suffocating,

unable to breathe.

reached out for you

got tossed away

kept in the corner

and
locked in the dark

snatched by the locks

pulled thru the house

so young to scream

to hungry for love

enduring the shame
thinking I was to blame

I'm suffocating

gasping to breathe.

needed to show you

my suffering and pain

felt as though

we were one in the same

walking on egg shells

afraid of your wrath

left only to wonder

why it was you

that crossed my path

I'm suffocating

needing to breathe.

blindly aware there

were lessons to learn

left licking the wounds

and

healing the burn

life is so short

it's time to move on.

to worry about yesterday

is just plain wrong.

the bruises fade

the memories remains

to live in the past

there will never be change.

I'm suffocating

wanting to breathe.

_____________________________

respectfully,
candisa

Freely we serve, because we freely love, as in our will
To love or not; in this we stand or fall.

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RE: breathe - 11/23/2009 11:38:23 PM

airborne92

Posts: 62
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline

Very nice work Candisa.

(in reply to candisa)

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RE: breathe - 12/11/2009 9:36:32 PM

EbonyWood

Posts: 2044
Joined: 7/8/2005
Status: offline

Clearly cathartic for you candisa.

I particularly like the progressive adjunct to breathe - unable > gasping > needing > wanting.

I would be careful to maintain grammar and form though the emotion.

"to hungry" would either be 'too hungry' or 'to hunger'

"we were one in the same" is probably meant as 'we were one and the same'

"Little" scans better than "lil" and "thru" should be 'through'. There isn't a need to colloquialise for meter.

Overall very emotive. Draws the reader into darkness empathically.

Respectfully,

(in reply to candisa)

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RE: breathe - 12/26/2009 11:33:38 PM

MasterLexxx

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/28/2005
Status: offline

I followed your journey and felt your pain, then your triump as you understood if you never let go of the past. Your future is suffocated. Walking on eggshells to keep from offending or getting in trouble is not how a sub should serve. Tragic that a desire to serve is smashed to what purpose other than pure abuse..

(in reply to EbonyWood)

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