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A New One - 11/24/2009 1:40:38 AM

MISTandSHADOW

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Joined: 11/17/2009
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I am quite new to this lifestyle. I am in a relationship with a person who is used to having a dominant person know how to do everything and what to do. There are a lot of limits that has not been tested yet and our relationship is quite new. He is my forst sub. How do you know when you are doing something right or wrong? He does but doesn't talk when asked. I am learning what he does and does not like since he seems to not know all that well himself. Where to begin with everything other than what feels natural? A little confused and not wanting to hurt my partner in any sense.

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RE: A New One - 11/24/2009 4:19:08 AM

DarkSteven

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Joined: 5/2/2008
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Congratulations! You're in control.

Have a talk with him. Right now, and perhaps every week, more often if you feel like it. What are his hard limits, what are his soft limits? What does he like, what does he not like?

Then take all that into account, but with the exception of the hard limits, you are calling the shots. You want him to do the dishes? Tell him. He's horny and you're too tired? He can wait.

The way that you know you're doing it right is if both of you are happy. But don't get so caught up in him and his needs that you overlook your own.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to MISTandSHADOW)

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RE: A New One - 11/24/2009 7:01:30 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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If I'm reading this right, you are asking how to go about things when you are just starting out and you happen to have a submissive who has more experience than you do in BDSM activities or an authority dynamic.

First off, I'm going to welcome you to the club. I started out the very same way. My first boy had more experience that I did when I first started out. Trust Me. That goes away or at least becomes a lot less significant as time goes on. Plus, none of this is really rocket science (thank goodness on My part) so it isn't really that hard to learn anyway.

What can happen when a sub has more experience than the Domme is he's not being as forthcoming because he doesn't want to appear that he's topping from the bottom. In other words, he doesn't want it to come off as though he's trying to be in charge. The beautiful part about this is that you're really in charge, so you can tell him that it's required on his part to give you feedback. Specifically arrange a time a day or two after you've played to sit down and talk about it. You can go over what worked, what didn't work, how each of you felt, and so on. That's a good habit to be in anyway, not just for him, but for you, too. As you're doing all of these new things, you're going to find some things that you like more than others, and that's just as, if not more important.

Consider yourself lucky that you have someone who wants to participate with you in your beginnings in BDSM. Not everybody has that luxury. It's a lot more fun when you learn this stuff to have someone to try it out on. For the actual learning part, you might be interested in looking into your local BDSM community for the actual 'how to's' about topping. Most groups have demos so you can learn all kinds of things for during play time. Even if they don't hold formal classes, you'll get to meet people who do have experience and they'll be able to teach you what they know.

Also, you might be interested in reading some non fiction books on the subject. There is a great book list here http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm and you'll also find another one in MasterFireMaam's signature. I'm kind of partial with "The Loving Dominant" by John Warren Myself. "Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns" is also very good. The titles by Claudia Varrin are specifically about female topping.

Plus, stick around here. You can learn all kinds of things from people with various styles, different types of dynamics, and how this fits in with day to day life. From time to time, we can have some pretty interesting subjects.

So, with that, I'll welcome you to Collar Me. I hope you enjoy your stay.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DarkSteven)

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RE: A New One - 11/24/2009 11:36:23 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MISTandSHADOW

I am quite new to this lifestyle. I am in a relationship with a person who is used to having a dominant person know how to do everything and what to do. There are a lot of limits that has not been tested yet and our relationship is quite new. He is my forst sub. How do you know when you are doing something right or wrong? He does but doesn't talk when asked. I am learning what he does and does not like since he seems to not know all that well himself. Where to begin with everything other than what feels natural? A little confused and not wanting to hurt my partner in any sense.

Hello and welcome to the boards!

Sometimes I do have to wonder about these things myself. Even someone who has been around a long time and may have had a number of submissive's or relationships, who may know a lot of things from a lot of experiences in kink or emotional aspects of bdsm... may still struggle with someone new to them because we are all different and there are so many things that could be coming from a different place than some we have known before. I am there now! lol

I don't have a lot of experience with kinky things that many submissive's have had or like, for a number of reasons and I believe those things can be learned. I think what can tangle me up at times would be the connection between emotional things and kinky and how the person connects to it all. I feel our biggest asset is understanding the person and being able to communicate and our next biggest assest is a sense of humor!

When you say your partner has more experience in having dominant's in his life and yet cannot tell you what he likes and that sometimes he talks and sometimes he doesn't, suggest to me that something is going on that he isn't able or willing to express. I would be interested in why he isn't talking about what he knows he likes and then isn't willing to talk at times. I had a guy who when I asked how he felt, he would say that he didn't know. He didn't know how to identify his feelings. Not a real good place to start in any type of relationship. Then I gave him some basic ways to communicate or understand his feelings and yet when talking about sexual things he often wouldn't talk because he was the studly type who had been with many beautiful women and was afraid that I would somehow be jealous or insecure if he talked about what he shared with them. He didn't know me well and seemed to assume or project what I would feel. Another not so great place to be. No wonder we didn't make it! lol

So whether you are new to bdsm or d/s or a vanilla relationship, there are some basic's that come in any type of relationship and this isn't your first relationship. Draw upon what you know about relationships in general, about human nature or how people are and use that to guide you. Don't let being new to bdsm or d/s make you feel insecure in area's you do know and the rest can be learned as you go. The must have in this is the communication and a willingness to honestly communicate. If you don't have that, you can become insecure about what you are doing, doubt yourself and fall into a pattern of what I call, crazy making. You don't know what is what because you are getting mixed messages and confusing messages. I know I cannot know how to handle something if I don't have the correct information to start with and a lack of information would fall into that catagory.

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RE: A New One - 11/24/2009 3:16:51 PM

LadyAngelika

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LadyPact & Lockit really gave you amazing advice! :-)

I really have not much more to say than welcome (they are right, you can learn at lot here) and have fun learning! :-)

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: A New One - 11/24/2009 3:59:07 PM

Ladynslave

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Joined: 7/30/2009
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Since everyone prior to me has given such great advice, I can't think of any to add. Slave and I started out the same way so you are not alone. After much trial and error, we have found the things that work for us and those that don't. (Who knew spanking would have to be a reward and not a punishment? Still shaking my head over that one, but it is what works and he's much better behaved since I changed it.) I found the Mistress Manual to be very helpful in trying to sort out how to go about taking control and keeping it.

(in reply to MISTandSHADOW)

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RE: A New One - 11/24/2009 4:06:50 PM

mirror88

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Joined: 11/15/2009
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have him read CNVC on the internet. Not talking can guarantee problems. He's scared and hiding.

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RE: A New One - 11/24/2009 8:22:07 PM

SthrnCom4t

Posts: 343
Joined: 9/9/2007
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A few things to remember - You and your submissive are the ones making the rules in your relationship. That means, what works for others is great to observe, but finding what works for the two of you is most important. It's not about you and he fitting a certain image or label, it's about how to take power exchange, and work it into the chemistry you share. It's unique to you, so even if you did have lots of experience, you'd still be creating something unique with him. :)

Just because you are on Top and he's on the bottom, there's no expectation that you know everything, and he just became dumb. More experience doesn't mean mind-reader, it just might give you a bit more perspective on interpretation. Communication is key in the beginning with a new partner. My personal favorite jump off point I learned years ago from the submissive side - After a scene, but not necessarily immediately, we always share answers to, The Questions Three.

What was your favorite part?
What was your least favorite part?
What was most memorable?

Remember that just because someone has a reaction to something, doesn't mean you did anything wrong. You will start playing near the edge, and gut reactions are more prominent here.

You are going to have limits. That's ok. You're the boss, so you get to set the pace. In truth, you'll both be wanting to please each other. Providing a 'safe environment' is not exclusively the job of the Dominant, or the submissive. He'll be giving you space to learn and grow, as you will him.

That's the fast reply :) Good luck and have a great time!

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Sthrn
Honorably served by OttersSwim

'The sign of a developed mind is one in which two opposing ideas can coexist' - Oscar Wilde.

(in reply to MISTandSHADOW)

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RE: A New One - 12/9/2009 8:17:01 PM

UrMyboi

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Joined: 11/14/2009
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I am new to this myself, and really appreciated the OP's question and all the wonderful, helpful replies... I thank you all.

An experienced sub and I have been talking via CM and we share a lot of info, both vanilla and play. If and when we meet, I have a pretty good idea of what he likes, and visa versa. So far, our communication is good, which is nice.. He keeps telling me he craves having his lowly status affirmed; I would love to hear how experienced Domme's do this.

Thanks,

< Message edited by UrMyboi -- 12/9/2009 8:33:19 PM >

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RE: A New One - 12/11/2009 10:07:35 PM

AcademyForSlaves

Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
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Hi.

Keeping it fun for both of you is important if your both feeling it out. Check out some kinky movies together and playfully tap him with the crop when you want more pop or chips. Have him massage your feet during the movie. Smile and keep it fun. Learn to read him when he looks like he wants it to go more serious and strict. Say he hints he needs a firm paddling. Use it firmer. It might look like he's topping but he's not really. Think of it as getting to know each other. Soon you'll know his limits, what he can and can't handle, and what fetishes you share. And he'll be getting to know what you like too. Sometimes newbies are great. I like the ones I can mold.