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lovingpet -> RE: Question (11/25/2009 3:19:24 PM)
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It seems like it's been good feedback so far even though I haven't been able to sit and read the whole thread. Lots of great points had been brought out and I think if an honest assessment is taken and actions proceed from that, the OP and her partner can get past this into a better place.
That being said, I have hit the relationship status wall too. Man, that one hurt! It was at a particularly vulnerable time when I had someone whispering in my ear that my partner was not a good person and that I was just a side dish. The fact of the matter was that there was a poaching attempt occuring. Add to the relationship status that he was adding friends that were female submissives who lived closer to him than me and I flew into a totally mess. I am not listed on ANY of his profiles and still am not. We sorted through the reasons he handled things the way he did, who these girls were, and he left the door open for me to discuss any concerns that arose from the way he was choosing to conduct his affairs. I have had to abide by rules to keep his privacy intact as well. If one looks on my CM profile, his screename is never mentioned, nor is it mentioned on these boards. I also do not call him by an honorific at this time because he has stated that is reserved for after I am collared. The thing is that I trust him and he trusts me. We learned to trust each other by things that put us on the spot.
I do understand the impulse to not want to be someone's dirty little secret. I ran up against this too. I haven't had opportunity to be a part of his circles due to our distance. I haven't met his folks, though I am told that will be happening shortly after the holidays. As it turned out, I was more out in the open than I knew. My partner is one to take things slow and he wasn't about to get all gushy about some girl and then have to take it all back when it fell through. I will say that he had been burned pretty badly in the past and has since become much more cautious and plays everything much closer to the vest. He has been slow to open himself up to me and has had to come to trust me just as much as I have had to learn to trust him. If it is as good as you say, OP, then your relationship will heal him over time. Give it time. Trust him. If he has not earned your trust after 6 months and so much communication and seeing each other, then you need to ask yourself why that is.
I have never been a big fan of disappearing acts, however. I have had a few in my relationship, always a situation where he was sick or had to attend to a family emergency, but I had to let him know that those periods really upset me. I don't need much. I just needed to know he was okay and that we were okay. Something like: "I am sick and will see you in a couple of days when I'm feeling better. Love you." That's all. I have always provided the same unless it was an internet issue, before we started using the phone more. Sudden disappearance breed insecurity more often than it does anything constructive. I encourage folks to refrain from such behavior.
In the wake of all this, I think it is clear there are some SOP (standard operating procedures) and rules that should be discussed. Once you have accepted how each will handle something like displaying a relationship status, it is done. If there comes a time to revisit it (like you move in together or get married/collared, etc.), then it can be revised. Until then, it is settle and not to be brought up a thousand different ways over and over again. When a quiet time is needed, you can both understand that there will be a way it will be communicated and limits to the duration. Maybe you agree that no one is to up and disappear for more than 24 hours without some form of communication stating why and for how long. You may also need a "clause" of sorts stating that if an absence has to be extended, say a month or more, that updates will be provided say weekly. These are just things off the top of my head. Let him tell you what is acceptable to put up on his profile pages and what is not. If you don't understand why it has to be the way he tells you, then ask. He may or may not wish to provide you with a reason and either way you are going to have to be okay with that. There is nothing wrong with requesting what you feel will bring you a level of understanding and peace and give you direction. Setting out these things will also lead into a lot of good, healing, and even growth inducing conversation that reaches far beyond the scope of the "rules" you are making. I don't believe seeking guidance and expressing your needs, wants, and desires to be a bad thing for a submissive person to do. Dominants aren't mind readers, though sometimes it seems that way. LOL
I wish all the best for you both and hope you can work through all this together and in a way that allows you to grow only ever closer.
lovingpet
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