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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/26/2009 1:43:05 AM

BitaTruble

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BloodLuna

I need to clarify that my Mistress permits me to be dominant because that is part of who I am. I am submissive only to her but dominant over my own submissives. I have been a mistress for 15 years and thats a side of me that will never go away.

I want to refocus the thread. I am seeking advice on how to overcome my own character defects. My Mistress in my opinion is only responsible for loving me so much that she let ME get out of hand. She has decided that it is time for me to recommit to service and I AGREE with her. I choose to move forward, to try to shed the negative aspects of my personality to try to become a better slave. I don't want this thread to turn into me having to defend my choice in a Mistress.

The focus of this thread is how to overcome ego and give control back to someone I love. I do not want the focus on this other girl who tried very hard to tear my family apart.

Lily

Have you two tried to institute some rituals (and of course, give yourself some precious time as well!): mantras, meditation, kneeling at her feet, writing focus lists or anything of that nature to help you get back to where she wants you? Also, try to keep in mind that she 'does' want you in a certain place and the fact that you also want to be in that place, means you need to start walking towards that goal. Ask her for her help in getting there, ask her for forgiveness when you stumble, ask her for a hand up when you fall, and expect her to remain human as well and forgive her own stumbles and falls .. offer your own hand to her when she trips. You both want the same thing.. that's a great way to start and keeping the eye on the prize and remembering that is a good method to getting where you need to go.

One more thing, it appears as though you do recognize your own behavior when it happens: the irritation or what-have-you, so let that be your slap guide.. in other words, try to think of that behavior, itself, as a slap in the face to refocus. If it's going to happen anyway, might as well make use of it till you tame that beasty!

Good luck and best of wishes to you and your family. :)

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/26/2009 7:28:20 AM

CaringandReal

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BloodLuna

I need to clarify that my Mistress permits me to be dominant because that is part of who I am. I am submissive only to her but dominant over my own submissives. I have been a mistress for 15 years and thats a side of me that will never go away.

I want to refocus the thread. I am seeking advice on how to overcome my own character defects. My Mistress in my opinion is only responsible for loving me so much that she let ME get out of hand. She has decided that it is time for me to recommit to service and I AGREE with her. I choose to move forward, to try to shed the negative aspects of my personality to try to become a better slave. I don't want this thread to turn into me having to defend my choice in a Mistress.

The focus of this thread is how to overcome ego and give control back to someone I love. I do not want the focus on this other girl who tried very hard to tear my family apart.

Lily

Fair enough. But I still, like some other people here, think it would be cool and possibly more effective if your dominant took part in this as well. Sometimes being sent back to "submissive boot camp" or having some "retraining" sessions someplace private and free from distractions can work wonders at focusing the mind. I'm just saying that a little activity, some of it instigated by here, could help with the recommitment.

But when you're on your own...well it sounds like you clearly know what to do. The difficulty seems to be in wanting to do it badly enough. That's where the boot camp idea comes from: it would provide some motivation, perhaps remind you of things you've forgotten, etc.

I don't know if you're the sort of person whom this technique would help, but sometimes when I feel very frustrated in my life, I do the equivelent of "thinking of all the starving children in Africa." There are a lot of homeless kitties out there in submissiveland. Think of all the submissives, myself included, who are alone and needy, who'd give all the teeth in their mouth and even an eye for the chance to sit on the floor so someone who owned or controlled us could pet us. To us: such a thing seems an incredible privlege or luxury. If you have every been in a spot in your life (most of us have) where you've been intensely lonely, needy, wanting something you weren't getting, try to remember all the feelings from that time and imagine what it would be like to be there again. Your relationship with your mistress seems very stable, and that is quite good, but sometimes life (and not relationship upsets) takes away that which we love and need most (but still take a little for granted). Imagine her not being there to pet you. Would sitting on the floor seem like much of a big deal if she were gone irrevocably, and you could never get her back? Most of the time for me, no matter how bad things seem, imagining how bad they could be or how bad they are for other people, helps me to feel extremely grateful for what I have. When you feel grateful that way, when you realize how special and wonderful (and potentially transient) something is, you tend to act on it. You tend to value the dominant more, the relationship more, whatever their apparent faults or difficulties, and want to do things to protect it and cherish her.

I'm glad when you do pop in here on occasion, by the way. I love your avatar. :)

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/26/2009 9:17:19 AM

BloodLuna

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caringandreal: thank you so much for that. I teared up reading what you wrote. I can't imagine not having her and I'm going to definately utilize your suggestions about mental imagry of not having her everytime I think of arguing.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Lily

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/26/2009 11:21:43 AM

kiwisub12

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This sounds goofy, but one negative reinforcement i hear about fairly frequently is using a rubber band or hair band on the wrist , and snapping it every time you find yourself thinking something you feel is wrong. And with the sting, think something positive - like, mistress is to be obeyed.

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 12/3/2009 12:13:01 PM

RoamingCaptive

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BloodLuna

I want to refocus the thread. I am seeking advice on how to overcome my own character defects. My Mistress in my opinion is only responsible for loving me so much that she let ME get out of hand. She has decided that it is time for me to recommit to service and I AGREE with her. I choose to move forward, to try to shed the negative aspects of my personality to try to become a better slave. I don't want this thread to turn into me having to defend my choice in a Mistress.

Lily

Find a source of inspiration (a blog, a person, a story ... anything that inspires you to feel moved to yield) and use it to keep you reminded of the traits you are seeking to love in yourself again. They are not weaknesses - even if they must have seemed so while you had to be in charge. They are strengths that make you capable of pleasing simply by absorbing, encompassing and receiving from another.

Whatever caused this discord within you, whomever did what to whom and why, ultimately it's your perceptions and views that dictate your reactions in such a situation, and perhaps that is a good "first place to look". Who and what SHOULD dictate your reactions?

I don't know anything about the dynamics of your relationship but having been forced into a dominant role due to necessity rather than nature or need, it is pretty understandable that you would have honed in on the skills used to express that trait in yourself. Perhaps it would be an idea to examine and identify exactly what perceptions hinder you. Are you feeling the way you do because of spite? Or fear? Or is it simply residual resistance to being challenged left over from when you were "on the other end of the stick"?

Knowing why you react is essential to dealing with it. Once you have that insight you can commit to a course of action to correct and direct yourself - perhaps when such a moment of rebellion occurs use a mantra, or ask yourself internally why you resist.. and ask yourself what you seek to achieve by it. Are you in danger? Do you need to protect yourself? Why do you feel punished?

The real trick - for me anyway when I am in a similar situation - is to find within me the willingness to be vulnerable again. To not be afraid. To not be overwhelmed. Having had control of everything and then suddenly having to obey and accept is a huge shift to make. Don't try to get it all back in one big swipe. Be willing to humble yourself and find the correct way to express your distress when you feel it. Don't hide it. Don't be shamed by it. Don't pretend you have it under control when you don't. The very act of submitting is based on the concept of the willingness to be guided and lead. Take responsibility for communicating instead of rebelling. And perhaps most of all... remind yourself often and expressively of why you wish to offer your submission.

I am not sure if any of this will be of help to you, but once you do find your answers - and I have no doubt that you will - I hope you will post them here. I for one have much to learn on this too and every bit helps *smiles*

All the best,
rc

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 12/3/2009 2:40:35 PM

BloodLuna

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rc

what you say holds alot of value for me. vunerability is a very difficult thing for me. It scares me. but I crave it at the same time. I will work on what you've suggested and let you know if/when I find some peace.

Luna

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 12/3/2009 4:05:30 PM

pyroaquatic

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Other than death I tend to put myself in the shoes of others. Not literally mind you.... but find some way to change your perspective.

You have to have some sense of self, or course.... i think. 0_0

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You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 12/3/2009 8:02:33 PM

masterlink65

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you have to submit

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 12/3/2009 10:32:11 PM

CNJDom

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Joined: 6/6/2006
From: Southern NJ
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BloodLuna

It has been a long time since I've posted.

A bit of background. For 3 months my owner and I shared a slave girl. For reasons not important to this post she left us. During the 3 months she was here I was forced to stay in a dominant role. She had problems serving and so if I went submissive for a moment she got out of control. My owner and I have been together for 4 years. She is for the most part kind and laid back and has frankly spoiled me rotten as her Alpha/First girl.

Now she has decided that I have become spoiled and selfish. I am inclined to agree with her. I get aggrevated when I have to stop what I'm doing to serve her. When she gave me some of my new restrictions (no furniture, naked after the kids are in bed, et) I reacted as if I was being punished. I got miserable and weepy.

So my question is: How do I conquer my selfish nature? How do I realign my thoughts and focus from the spoiled self I've been to the giving submissive I should be? What new thoughts should I use to replace the negative or twisted thinking that I've had in the past. (I'm first girl, I shouldn't be treated as other slaves, etc) Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Luna

First I would ask you both to consider the fact that your relationship has changed and/or evolved. The role for you changed as soon as you both brought another into your inner circle. Alpha girl, from only girl. That was natural for you BTW, since you were the first. But you also took on the role of mentor and as a dominant in this growing relationship towards the 3rd slave girl. You evolved.

Now that she's gone, you are still "first girl/Alpha" but in some way reduced back down to (the) only girl. again. One can't de-evolve, though some of us try real hard...but now that you were entitled for whatever reason, going back now has you in conflict. You obviously enjoyed this hierarchy even when you were dealing with the problems of the slave-girl who seemingly had greater problems.

One on level, you could see this as selfishness, but really during this transition from girl to Alpha-girl, you should ask yourself of what importance this was to you personally and how you served your Mistress. Did you feel you served better or with a tighter cohesiveness between you to? Was it a right move? Should there be another slave girl that would be more suitable to actually be a decent girl to you both? Do you still feel comfortable as the female equivalent of the major domo of the house, and only submissive to your Mistress?

On the flip-side, you may ask yourself why your Mistress put you back into the situation that you have conflict now. Could it be that she wishes to bring you back around giving you more of what you had before...feeling that you need this to reset your mind-set and fortify your submissiveness since you have been put through the paces with this unruly or problematic slave girl? This can only come from acceptance and communication. Your relationship seems strong from it's longevity and intimacy, so give it some thought. These observations and speculations are only part of it, since you know your Mistress better than any of us will.

Good luck, and try to review how your Mistress has gone through this trying time with the slave-girl, how you think SHE thinks how you have weathered these times, and how has both of your roles, and relationship have been changed since the inclusion of this slave-girl. Hope this helps.

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 12/3/2009 10:58:36 PM

Musicmystery

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quote:

How do I conquer my selfish nature?

Selfishness can be a cover for fear, that fear prompting the "me first" response.

Cure? Getting comfortable and confident. Facing fears. Working through uncertainties. Easier said than done, of course.

< Message edited by Musicmystery -- 12/3/2009 10:59:51 PM >

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 12/4/2009 8:52:56 AM

RoamingCaptive

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*smiles quietly and nods* thank you, I look forward to hearing of it...

quote:

ORIGINAL: BloodLuna

rc

what you say holds alot of value for me. vunerability is a very difficult thing for me. It scares me. but I crave it at the same time. I will work on what you've suggested and let you know if/when I find some peace.

Luna

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 12/4/2009 9:56:18 AM

lucylucy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

Selfishness can be a cover for fear, that fear prompting the "me first" response.

Cure? Getting comfortable and confident. Facing fears. Working through uncertainties. Easier said than done, of course.

You're right about the connection between selfishness and fear. Selfishness is a self-defense mechanism for me.

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