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lovingpet -> RE: Will the arousal feelings I get from anticipation always be there? (11/30/2009 12:45:53 PM)
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There are two major parts to this. There is fear of the person and fear of the activity. I'm just using "fear" as a generalized word regarding that slightly panicky feeling that some of us find so yummy.
I have found that, over time and getting to know each other very well, that I have absolutely NO fear of my partner now. There was some amount of not being quite sure in the beginning. Now I know who he is, what he is capable of, and what he really can do to me and what my response is. This has lead me to both a calm and an understanding that he is not to be trifled with. That is exactly the kind of person I need in my life. I know he is not crazy or bent on harming me. I know he is able to read everything about me so as to keep me safe even when we have entered some pretty high levels of play. I know he can be trusted both in word and deed. I know he will follow through on things (even those I REALLY wish he'd not LOL). I know HIM and I have no fear, just utter respect.
I still can and do get a jolt of fear at certain or new activities. Partly this is that I haven't experienced a lot of things and he loves to do new things with me. The other part is that, if we have played in that way before, I know he is extremely good at what he does and that's not always the most comforting notion when I'm not in the middle of subspace somewhere. I know he can cane very viciously and yet only draw blood if or when he wants. I just had the violet wand used on me last we were together and was just utterly terrified of the thing because I had NO idea what to expect even though he was telling me. I was also afraid of disappointing and that often fuels the anticipation going in as well. What if this time I can only take a handful of strokes when last time he beat me for nearly three hours? What if I absolutely HATE the violet wand since he seems to be so fond of it? Disappointing him has never happened, but it adds to the whole thing. I don't think there are very many who enter into a session so darn sure they want and can handle everything that will or might happen. I don't know about anyone else, but my partner loves to play on a mental edge too, so I don't always know what all he MIGHT include. I have to just trust that, if he introduces something new, that he is sure I am ready for it and that he isn't going to go beyond what I can handle. Since I no longer fear HIM, I know that this will always be the case and if it isn't, it was a mistake and he will be equally upset at the bad outcome.
All in all, it is not unusual for there to be some anticipation, anxiety, and even a little fear even after a long time. At the very least I am always concerned with my own abilities. I think it is part of the yummy of the things we do together and gets my motor running nicely. It is very interesting to see how trust and fear can intermingle with each other to such an exquisite conclusion. I hope you continue to truly enjoy your relationship and talk through any ruts you are in. I have often said the best way to jumpstart again is to take a limit (not even necessarily an activity, but maybe an emotional or intimacy limit) and demolish it together. Provided trust is not at issue, it can lead to so much growth and put a definite end to stagnation. It just has to be done every once in awhile. All my best!
lovingpet
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