Here's one for you--to write or not to write

Here's one for you--to write or not to write (Full Version)

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HisSweetElysium -> Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/1/2009 3:03:17 PM)
Before Master and I got together He was seeing multiple subs. As part of our relationship, we wanted to be monogamous, so after we met and decided to move forward, we both stopped seeing other people. One of His subs is a bisexual woman who dommes men as a business, but also has a sub side, which she explored with Him. On the surface it seems like she took his breaking it off rather well, understanding He was looking for a monogamous relationship, and she herself is more pansexual. Recently she invited us to a play party. We talked about it, and I had misgivings, mostly because I had not been to such a thing before, and while open to it, I didn't want possible drama and weirdness to result for anyone. I really want to be open to the idea in general, and not have my first experience be one where there was any sort of discomfort between Him, her, or me. So we didn't go. As seen in my general BDSM forum post, Master and I made a movie over the weekend. It was wonderful. My sole gripe is that He had to keep messing with the camera and angles. So we talked about having someone else film us, and He suggested her. I said if they were both comfortable, I would not object to it. He asked her, and now she is all sorts of upset, and thinks this request came from me, wanting to stage some sort of "haha I'm better than you, I got the man and now you can watch" sort of thing. Nothing could possibly be further from the truth, in fact I was the one who said "only if everyone is comfortable!" and even, when Master broke it off with her, inquired about her well being in that transition. Master is handling it, but last night when He explained to me what happened, I felt very bad. I felt misunderstood and misrepresented and asked if He thought it was appropriate to email her myself. He thought about it and said He felt not at this time, feeling like she might have been looking for something to get upset about, when really she was upset He broke it off. I will of course respect His wishes, but should I bring it up again? I really would like to say to her that I'm His slave, and have always been submissive, there is no part of me that gets off domming women at ALL, and I was very concerned about putting her in an emotionally taxing place, I never set out to hurt her. But then I don't know, maybe it would just make things worse. I trust Him to do the right thing, but I do want Him to know I am willing to make the effort if need be. So I guess I ask the question to other subs, since this woman, despite her other interests which may be influencing her interpretations of these interactions, relates to Him as a sub. Given these circumstances, would an email from the "new" woman expressing apologies and offering reassurances be rude, make things worse, or helpful in some way? BTW, she has a fetlife page with a long list of poly-amorous relationships and a professional Domme site so if there is question about the amicable nature of their breaking things off because He wanted to be serious with someone, I think that is enough to say they were looking for different things.

Elizabeth666 -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/1/2009 3:06:50 PM)
It seems like maybe she has her own issues to deal with. ie. you being the new sub and unless I read wrong, He chose you over her. I personally don't think talking to her would help much. If she is already in a place where she thinks all you want to do is "rub it in" then nothing you say to the contrary will help. I say let him handle things. My 2 cents

HisSweetElysium -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/1/2009 3:11:47 PM)
Thanks for replying Elizabeth. He tells me they were more "play partners" than in a relationship, and that at the outset, He had told her that He was looking for something serious, and she wanted to continue to have the lifestyle she had. It was fine, until He met me and we decided to move forward together. I think you are right, even though she did not want that kind of relationship with anyone, it still hurt her that He chose to stop seeing her to be with me exclusively. I guess for all the bravado, someone with a staggering list of sexual interests and current relationships, I thought she would be more comfortable, but I do recognize she's human, and not all our emotions make sense all the time. You're right, I should just leave it alone...

Navina -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/1/2009 3:13:23 PM)
I agree with Elizabeth666. Any furhter communication with her from you will probably just exacerbate the situation. Let him handle it.

kanina -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/1/2009 3:14:27 PM)
I think the first mistake was to call her to be the one filmming, since that is done i would not writte to her or anything, better to let it go, because she might think that he forced you to writte her, etc etc... just let it go...

breatheasone -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/1/2009 3:16:47 PM)
This is what came to my mind... If you have a bad sunburn you know how ANY kind of heat can make it hurt? i 200% believe you want her to understand you didn't mean to upset her at all, but i think even an e-mail from you would feel like "heat" [sm=2cents.gif]

HisSweetElysium -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/1/2009 3:32:07 PM)
I thought the same thing, but then, I don't know her, never spoken to her even once, and the fact that they remained in communication after the breakup, to the point where we were invited to her party made it seem like all was well. She even wrote to Him afterward expressing disappointment that we did not go. Now I sort of wonder what would have happened if we had gone. I felt petty and insecure having reservations about my first public experience being on her "turf" but maybe my fears were more founded than I suspected. Okay consensus is drop it, it's not in my nature to do that, but it's what He said to do for now, and you all support that, so I'll do it :)

HisSweetElysium -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/1/2009 3:34:48 PM)
it's true, sometimes in trying to set things right ppl make a worse mess of it than before. le sigh I HATE to think about ppl having the wrong impression of me, I mean sheesh, if I'm going to get the rep for being mean spirited and nasty, at least let me have the fun of EARNING it, LOL. But I can't control it, and if that's how she has to frame it in her mind for it to make sense, I can't argue really.

breatheasone -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/1/2009 3:49:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisSweetElysium it's true, sometimes in trying to set things right ppl make a worse mess of it than before. le sigh I HATE to think about ppl having the wrong impression of me, I mean sheesh, if I'm going to get the rep for being mean spirited and nasty, at least let me have the fun of EARNING it, LOL. But I can't control it, and if that's how she has to frame it in her mind for it to make sense, I can't argue really. LMAO i know how you feel! i mean hate me for the many times i've been an asshole....not one of the times i know i was being GOOD!

AquaticSub -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/1/2009 3:58:56 PM)
~Fast Reply~ I think it would be nice if you got to speak with her about it but I wouldn't suggest doing it an e-mail and I'd wait until after your Master has settled things betwwn himself and her. If it were me, I would take five minutes when I ran into her later to pull her aside and just say "Hey, I see the whole filming thing came across to you and I wanted to just let you know that I would never want you to feel that way. I'm sorry that is how it came across and I'm glad it's behind us." Or however you would put it. [:)]

peachgirl -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/1/2009 5:39:14 PM)
I would think at this point it's just better to obey and not stir things up again. if she was truly hurt, at this point I think it would only be more hurtful. even tho they were more like play partners, he probably does know her well enough to know what would work in this situation and what wouldn't. I would approach it in the future only with your Master's permission.

DarkSteven -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/1/2009 5:54:54 PM)
You're thinking too much. Your Master has communicated to you exactly what he's thinking and what he's doing. he understands this woman better than you do, and he's taking the lead. It's being taken care of. Relax.

CaringandReal -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/1/2009 7:09:35 PM)
I don't have anything new to add, so I'll just add my opinion's weight to rest. Yes, leave it alone. Double-yes, leave it alone in your head. The second is tricky, but it's worth learning how to do. It develops restraint, a rather useful quality to have in the sort of relationship you are in. :) And you learn a lot more when you practice restraint. Feelings like the ones you've described are warning signs: they mean you (I mean generic you here--it happens to us all) are a bit obsessed with the matter or the person, and in that state you almost can't help but do harm--even if you mean well. Whenever you feel such feelings, that's when you need to practice the most restraint. You're lucky to have a master who will tell you, "leave it alone, I'm handling it." That makes things very clear and easy. Good luck in your relationship, it sounds like you mean very well. I'm sure your master knows that too. From what you've said in this post, I get the impression that he respects you a lot. :)

LafayetteLady -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/1/2009 7:43:12 PM)
It seems to me that while she appeared to take the break up well, that was just putting on the happy face. Some people can't understand why others wouldn't share their view of relationships, i.e. when they first got together he was "ok" with the concept of multiple partners (even if he was just really filling a need while searching) and now since getting together with you, he isn't. It's really not much different than those who don't understand why someone wouldn't want monogamy. I could easily be wrong, but I suspect that her invitation to the play party was to show both you and him how much more fun it would be to be poly in some way. His continuing to communicate with her could be the reason behind this. Understand, I'm not saying his communication with her was not exactly what he says it is (which I assume was just platonic friendship), just that it could have seemed to her like he was leaving the door open and would eventually come around. Again, I could be completely wrong, but it is something worth considering. As to who would do the filming....I think it was a big mistake on his part to suggest her doing it. Neither of you intended to flaunt your relationship in her face, but since she obviously had more feelings for him than either of them wanted to admit, it was kind of throwing it in her face. I can't really imagine many "exes" wanting to watch their previous partner enjoying themselves with someone else. I know I wouldn't want to. Regarding your question....Not only do I think you shouldn't write to her, I think he should taper off his contact with her as well. Give her time to really move on.

dualityinmotion -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/1/2009 8:28:31 PM)
When stuck for answers it goes back to the "slave basics" as it follows them: trust Him; obey Him; serve Him, all with as little ego ("i, me") as possible. if it thinks of itself as Master's property, a tool for Him, part of Him... then it doesn't question His knowlege or desires; it follows and obeys. if it worries about something on the social spectrum, it may ask about it, point out a sensitive spot He may not have recognized yet, but once He decides something, it does not move counter to that, ever. To do otherwise would feel disrespectful to Him. just this slave's 2 cents

HisSweetElysium -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/2/2009 1:31:28 PM)
Thank you for the reply Aquatic, I've never met her, and while this is not a large city, outside of the "scene" it seems unlikely I would run into her. Peachgirl--likewise thank you, Master sort of left the door open about me contacting her. He said specifically not right now, which I understand completely. I guess my question was more should I just let it go permanently, and only address it if He brings it up again, or wait a bit, and ask Him about it again. I think it will probably be unnecessary, as He shares these things with me anyway, His emails and such so if it comes up, I'll know. Ah DarkSteven you do bear wisdom, many thanks. It's a flaw of mine, I do think too much, especially about interpersonal relationships! He knows what's best for all involved, you are right... CaringandReal--thank you for your kind words about our relationship and intentions. Leaving it alone in my head is difficult, she said some fairly nasty things to Him, and I feel protective to some degree, not angry or aggressive, just want His good name to be untarnished. She mentioned badmouthing Him to some of our community, and I think that's sort of shitty, but again, it can't be helped, so I should let it lie. LafayetteLady--I will say that one of the things Master is adamant about is being honest and forthright with feelings. If I have bad thoughts, I am to tell Him, if I play games, He is not going to pursue it, period. She may have said she was fine at the time, hoping He'd persist, and when He accepted it as just that, therefore thinking "she enjoys these kinds of things, we should ask her" when really she was harboring bad feelings about it all along. He is taking that tactic though, He's stopped communicating with Her all together after apologizing for hurting her. If there is further contact, it will be up to her to initiate, hopefully with an apology at least to Him, He did not deserve the things she said. Thank you for replying! Dualityinmotion--I understand the dynamic you describe, thank you for sharing it. Our relationship, while Master/Slave, has a great deal of back and forth. We chose each other because we respect each other and each other's thoughts and opinions. He often asks me to share mine, and expects me to volunteer and even disagree with Him, like you described about the social aspects, pointing out things perhaps He had not considered. Ultimately it is His choice though, and therein lies the D/S dynamic for us. This question came into play because it was not permanently settled, He specifically said "for now" so my question was not at all should I disobey, but rather should I bring it up again in the future at all. I do appreciate your response though, it's hard for me, as I am often the "go to" person my friends seek for advice on personal relationships, so it's hard for me to sit on the sidelines when I think I could help. :)

Mercnbeth -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/2/2009 1:37:39 PM)
quote: now she is all sorts of upset, and thinks this request came from me, wanting to stage some sort of "haha I'm better than you, I got the man and now you can watch" sort of thing. given this, this slave would have no desire whatsoever to initiate or continue any sort of contact with this woman, in any capacity...even without Master being against the idea---He'd have to order her to make an effort to connect with this woman.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/2/2009 3:04:33 PM)
There are like... a MILLION other more important things in this world to worry about. Life's too short for this type of drama.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/2/2009 4:45:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisSweetElysium LafayetteLady--I will say that one of the things Master is adamant about is being honest and forthright with feelings. If I have bad thoughts, I am to tell Him, if I play games, He is not going to pursue it, period. She may have said she was fine at the time, hoping He'd persist, and when He accepted it as just that, therefore thinking "she enjoys these kinds of things, we should ask her" when really she was harboring bad feelings about it all along. He is taking that tactic though, He's stopped communicating with Her all together after apologizing for hurting her. If there is further contact, it will be up to her to initiate, hopefully with an apology at least to Him, He did not deserve the things she said. Please understand, I did not mean to imply that she was playing a game. I think many of us have put on the "happy face," and tried to tell someone everything was just fine when it wasn't. Not because we are playing a game, but for any number of reasons. If a person is being terminated from their job, to put on the face when all you really want to do is break down and sob, but you are determined to wait until you get home. When someone breaks up with you, especially in the situation you described where there wasn't some fall out, just a difference to what each was seeking, her "happy face" could have been nothing more than wanting to not make him feel worse than he already did (by the way, by "worse" I mean that he was giving her news that was at least a little painful and he doesn't sound like the type to enjoy that). She may have put on the happy face because she thought she knew he would "come around" to wanting more of a poly life again (no matter how wrong the thought), and the party was where she thought he might realize he was missing something (even though he really wasn't). I do undestand the desire to want to clear the air. After all, she has apparently let all that pent up hurt come out now and said some pretty nasty things about you and him. No one likes to feel so totally misunderstood as you were. However, we just can't control how others view things when they have their own issues. Hard as it is, you really need to let it go. He knows that it wasn't the intent of the invitation. Remember this, she isnt' part of your lives. You don't see her socially, or come into contact with her in any way, except perhaps at lifestyle events. Those who know you and your master will not listen to anything negative she has to say because they know you. Those who don't know you and listen to her are no more worth your time and energy than she is. It sounds as though you have a wonderful, positive relationship. Don't keep thinking about this silly event and let it go.

KateyCaine -> RE: Here's one for you--to write or not to write (12/3/2009 1:50:03 AM)
The heart goes where it goes. He didn't choose for His love for you to be deeper than what He felt for her; and even though she is a Domme and poly with a sub side, she is also human, and letting go completely as a sub can open someone up to emotional attachment, so you can't discount the possibility she feel for Him and wishes she could have been His primary slave. Love is never rational. k :)

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