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Safe? - 12/1/2009 11:25:04 PM

Icameback

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/23/2009
Status: offline

Hello to all you subs and slaves. I have a very honest question (ok, maybe a couple questions) for you. And I would very much love to get some advice. I have been told by a friend that I need to arrange a 'safe word' with my Dom. I understand what the word is for and I understand it's meaning - but what I need to know is 'How do I go about bringing up this idea and/or need with my Dom. I am about to meet him face to face - and spend a week with him. So I think this is important to figure out soon. Please help me? Please.

Post #: 1

RE: Safe? - 12/1/2009 11:28:27 PM

ValyraenAndAqua

Posts: 28
Joined: 12/1/2009
Status: offline

If you need to arrange one or not is up to you. After all, it's not a magic wand. It's just another tool.

As for how to bring it up.... I'd suggest something along the lines of "Sir, I've been thinking about it and I think I would feel more comfortable and be able to communicate more confidently with you in a scene if we had a safeword. What do you think?"

-Aqua

< Message edited by ValyraenAndAqua -- 12/1/2009 11:29:06 PM >

_____________________________

Awww look... we have a couple's profile now too. Aren't we so damn cute?

Much love to all - Valyraen and AquaticSub

Aqua: 30 NZ points

(in reply to Icameback)

Post #: 2

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 1:02:05 AM

WyldHrt

Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

Need? Well, it's not a need for everyone. Many people play without safewords, preferring direct communication (eg: "Foot cramp!" instead of "Red"!) Safewords work for some, but aren't used by everyone (Sir doesn't even remember the one he gave me when we first started playing, lol). If you want a safeword, Aqua is right about how to bring it up. That said, your Dom isn't doing anything "wrong" if he prefers plain communication to safewords. As you are new to each other, hopefully he will take things at a pace you are both comfortable with while you get to know each other in real time.

One last thought on safewords: They aren't magic or a substitute for common sense/ gut reaction. No word will keep you safe if your partner intends to harm you or just doesn't care. Trust your gut, and don't let the idea that you have a "safeword" lull you into a false sense of security if your insticts are telling you that something is wrong with a scene or situation.

Oh, and welcome (back?) to the forums!

_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to ValyraenAndAqua)

Post #: 3

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 1:20:00 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

One last thought on safewords: They aren't magic or a substitute for common sense/ gut reaction. No word will keep you safe if your partner intends to harm you or just doesn't care. Trust your gut, and don't let the idea that you have a "safeword" lull you into a false sense of security if your insticts are telling you that something is wrong with a scene or situation.

Agreed. Make sure that you feel safe and that, whatever method of communication you choose, you are sure that you will be comfortable with it.

IE. I hate the traffic light system save "Red". Usually I just say what an issue is but I like to have a safeword with the people I play regularly because I enjoy force play where "no" is to be ignored.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to WyldHrt)

Post #: 4

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 1:25:35 AM

fadedshadow

Posts: 751
Joined: 4/27/2009
From: a place
Status: offline

try the honest approach, it works for me

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your living nightmare

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Post #: 5

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 2:20:51 AM

Elizabeth666

Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline

As everyone else said, just talk to him.

Sir and i don't use safe words, if i can't handle anymore i just say stop (it depends, if it's the Hitachi being used, he won't stop LOL)

(in reply to fadedshadow)

Post #: 6

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 4:57:25 AM

shenshinoman

Posts: 58
Joined: 11/30/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666

As everyone else said, just talk to him.

Sir and i don't use safe words, if i can't handle anymore i just say stop (it depends, if it's the Hitachi being used, he won't stop LOL)

and that, not stopping, for certain situations is a perfect example of when a couple has come to know and trust each-other well enough to know when stop means stop, or if it means go.

However as you are just starting out, just saying you'd like to talk about the idea of a safeword works just fine. That way you're putting it out there that you're interested. But want oppinions from him aswell. Honesty and open communication are key. No matter how good the relationship may be, without them, it'll eventually break down. trust me, i've been there.

(in reply to Elizabeth666)

Post #: 7

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 7:41:55 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icameback

'How do I go about bringing up this idea and/or need with my Dom. I am about to meet him face to face - and spend a week with him.

A few things here.

1) You're calling someone you've never met "My Dom".

2) You're planning on spending a week with someone you've never met.

3) Safewords are not mandatory, but since you're playing with someone that you've never met and doesn't know you, I think it's a good idea.

As Wyld said, they won't protect you if he doesn't care about your safety/well being.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Icameback)

Post #: 8

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 8:42:31 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

Master an i have a safeword i need one cause usually wehn i say no or stop he knows i don't mean it. We have been together 4 years (almost) and he can read my body launuagge perfectly. Like yesterday we were playing and i could not catch my breath even though i did not use my safe word he said should i stop and i nodded. So i don't really need it anymore.

A first time meeting i thnk you should discuss it in the way that was suggested. No matter how many times you talked to him on-line or on the phone you don't know what he is like until you meet him. If he says no safewords that would raise a red flag for me. Not everybody uses them, but if you are planning on scening with him i suggest you have one in place.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 9

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 8:43:30 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Safe?

Ja, Foam and rubbers, goddammit!!!!!! Foam and Rubbers!!!!!!

Father Frigid

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 10

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 12:50:21 PM

Icameback

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/23/2009
Status: offline

Thanks to all for their replies. I must confess - the only reason I'm thinking safe word is because I'm actually meeting this guy for the first time. I call him Dom because he calls himself such - I call him by name. I see safe words as a 'cowards' way out but I have discussed them with a previous Dom. I don't use them - but he could tell from the way I looked at him. That was a good way - cause I can be very expressive with my eyes and just face.

But, I think when I meet this gent. face to face - we will have a discussion about things. I need to remind him that I am a Sub, not a slave, with an ability to switch to Domme bitch if I am being hurt - that gets scary. Although I won't tell him that. hehe

Oh well. Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it.

(in reply to Icameback)

Post #: 11

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 12:57:59 PM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666

As everyone else said, just talk to him.

Sir and i don't use safe words, if i can't handle anymore i just say stop (it depends, if it's the Hitachi being used, he won't stop LOL)

OMG Hitachi.

If he doesn't stop when he's using a hitachi on me he's liable to get a kick in the face and not even on purpose. That thing is nuts and orgasms make you a lot stronger than normal.

(in reply to Elizabeth666)

Post #: 12

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 12:58:21 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

this slave can't relate to needing a word that has the magical ability to "save" her from someone that at the same time she is surrendering to and putting her life in the hands of. just can't get into that kind of a headspace because, for this slave, both things can't happen, mentally, at the same time.

to this slave, a "safe" word is, in essence, a "control" word: a mechanism for controlling a Dom/me or whatever activity he/she is engaging the submissive/slave in, as opposed to potentially saving the submissive/slave from some sort of irreperable damage at the hands of a Dom/me who has to be controlled by another's command.

now, if we are talking topping/bottoming one-time scenes with complete strangers...to this slave, that's a-whole-nother dynamic than Dominant/submissive or Master/slave and the opinion/experience/perception stated above does not apply.

(in reply to Icameback)

Post #: 13

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 1:02:19 PM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icameback

Thanks to all for their replies. I must confess - the only reason I'm thinking safe word is because I'm actually meeting this guy for the first time. I call him Dom because he calls himself such - I call him by name. I see safe words as a 'cowards' way out but I have discussed them with a previous Dom. I don't use them - but he could tell from the way I looked at him. That was a good way - cause I can be very expressive with my eyes and just face.

But, I think when I meet this gent. face to face - we will have a discussion about things. I need to remind him that I am a Sub, not a slave, with an ability to switch to Domme bitch if I am being hurt - that gets scary. Although I won't tell him that. hehe

Oh well. Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it.

Hey...I wouldn't see safewords as the coward's way out, I see them as a simplified form of communication when it's unwieldy to speak in full sentences. IE during sex/BDSM activity.

Put it like this...if he's torturing your clit, he's not going to be looking in your eyes. The tenth time you say "ow" he likely won't glance up again. A safeword will slice through his mental space and tell him there's a problem. It's like a car making a funny noise, sure you can check under the hood every half hour or you can just wait for the car to make a funny noise.

And really, the only reason you actually need a 'safeword' is if you do force/ravishment play. Otherwise just tell him at the start, "stop means stop, no means no" and don't say stop or no unless you really want it to stop.

(in reply to Icameback)

Post #: 14

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 1:05:06 PM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icameback

'How do I go about bringing up this idea and/or need with my Dom. I am about to meet him face to face - and spend a week with him.

A few things here.

1) You're calling someone you've never met "My Dom".

2) You're planning on spending a week with someone you've never met.

3) Safewords are not mandatory, but since you're playing with someone that you've never met and doesn't know you, I think it's a good idea.

As Wyld said, they won't protect you if he doesn't care about your safety/well being.

You know, the first time I met my fiance I planned to spend at least a few weeks with him...it turned out to be longer but still, it would be a bit much to fly all the way to Australia for a lunch date.

I am guessing that they don't live locally, they've been talking for awhile, and she's not going to fly cross country just to have dinner with someone, y'know? And if she takes precautions (having a hotel room instead of staying with him, keeping cash, CC and alternate ID in her trunk, being willing to leave if it doesnt feel right, etc) there's nothing wrong with taking a vacation to meet a guy.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 15

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 1:14:48 PM

Elizabeth666

Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666

As everyone else said, just talk to him.

Sir and i don't use safe words, if i can't handle anymore i just say stop (it depends, if it's the Hitachi being used, he won't stop LOL)

OMG Hitachi.

If he doesn't stop when he's using a hitachi on me he's liable to get a kick in the face and not even on purpose. That thing is nuts and orgasms make you a lot stronger than normal.

That's where He's smart, I would have the same reaction too.....if I wasn't tied up to avoid such a thing lol

< Message edited by Elizabeth666 -- 12/2/2009 1:15:59 PM >

(in reply to Elisabella)

Post #: 16

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 1:15:22 PM

HisSweetElysium

Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline

Just an additional note about safewords, they are for both parties. I thought it was sort of dumb at first, feeling you should get out of the game if you can't read your partner well enough to know the difference between "ooh stop" and "OH MY FUCKING CHRIST MY ARM JUST DISLOCATED" but there's another aspect as well. The safeword allows Master the freedom to know if I am in trouble, physically, emotionally, psychologically, I will communicate with Him via that word. It allows Him to relax and know with confidence he can engage with what we are doing. Does He still look out for my safety and check in with me? Absolutely! As a result of His attentiveness and protectiveness, although we have a word, I have never used it, because He is so in tune with me, my desires and thresholds, I would probably push myself farther than He pushes me, for love of Him, and by proxy, He will never push me further than He knows I should be pushed, because of His love for me.

_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

(in reply to Elisabella)

Post #: 17

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 1:16:55 PM

Elizabeth666

Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline

quote:

"OH MY FUCKING CHRIST MY ARM JUST DISLOCATED"

That made me LOL

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)

Post #: 18

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 3:04:39 PM

rockspider

Posts: 633
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline

If you feel the need for a safe word or in doubt then you need it. Just remember it is in no way like the safe circuits i am an absolute expert on. In the old days they were a 2 wire system going back to a single contactor. Today they are highly sofisticated 4 wire system going in to dual coil safety type contactors insuring a stop if the red tit slammed. Not 99,9 % of the time but 100% with a guarantie. Just a single safety relay cost 800 $ and the contactors runs in 5 - 10 times the price of the old systems.

(in reply to Elisabella)

Post #: 19

RE: Safe? - 12/2/2009 3:07:37 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

Simply ask the question as if it's already agreed upon...

Example: Do you have a preferred "Safe Word" you'd like me to remember?

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to rockspider)

Post #: 20

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