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Rebuilding confidence - 12/2/2009 11:14:09 PM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
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So, fun things are afoot.

1) I'm back in the game! Woo! A local domme approached me, hearing tales of my epic adventures training sub-girls to walk and dance and run and do contortion in ballet boots, to do aerial gymnastics while in suspension bondage, and to generally be fucking bad-asses. She asked if I was willing to adjust my curriculum to suit a dominant personality, and of course I said yes. (I do like a challenge.) So far, it's been fucking epic. Three weeks, and she's already performing better than any of my subs ever did - the fact that she entirely self-motivates means all I have to focus on is correcting technique; all the impetus is coming from her.

2) We decided to "show off" at the local TNG group tonight, and it was predictably EPIC. I got a few pokes from other girls (subs, mostly), who are intrigued at the idea of being trained. I've sat down with my young domme protege, who is a technical writer by trade, and we are going to put together a full training curriculum and start accepting pupils, as a team.

3) As a result of 1 and 2, I'm back in the limelight I love so much. People are whispering my name, people are coming up to me to ask questions, people see me as someone to talk to for advice on doing EPIC THINGS with their subs.

Trouble is, my confidence is still shattered from various Past Trauma (or perhaps, Past Drama - I don't know anymore). I KNOW I'm incredibly competent, I KNOW I'm almost effortlessly capable of turning talented raw material into utterly inhuman examples of grace and prowess, but I'm terrified my neurotic little fairy ass is going to fuck it up.

Now what?

Post #: 1

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/2/2009 11:24:26 PM

Thatbastard

Posts: 25
Joined: 11/26/2009
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Y'know, everytime I get to thinking I've been around and seen it all I come across something like your post. A gymnastics in boots fetish? Okay, hell, more power to you!

I don't think I ever did anything like what you do but I understand confidence issues. What usually keeps me focussed is keeping it matter of fact. You know what effect you want to have on the subject, and you know the techniques for doing so. It's just like hitting a baseball or riding a bike. If I keep that in mind instead of trying to look like James Bond all the time, it usually keeps my head straight.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 2

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 1:03:16 AM

Kirata

Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

I'm back in the game! Woo! ...it's been fucking epic. People are whispering my name, people are coming up to me to ask questions, people see me as someone to talk to for advice... but I'm terrified my neurotic little fairy ass is going to fuck it up.

Now what?

Simple. Fuck it up and get it over with. Then you won't have to worry about it anymore. Why torture yourself?

More seriously, though, fucking epic? Gimmie a break. You're over-inflated. There's nothing whatsoever neurotic about the perfectly realistic appraisal that balloons burst.

Try Earth for a change.

K.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 3

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 1:16:05 AM

Cuffkinks

Posts: 1780
Joined: 5/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth
Trouble is, my confidence is still shattered from various Past Trauma (or perhaps, Past Drama - I don't know anymore). I KNOW I'm incredibly competent, I KNOW I'm almost effortlessly capable of turning talented raw material into utterly inhuman examples of grace and prowess, but I'm terrified my neurotic little fairy ass is going to fuck it up.

Now what?

Now what? Don't think about it, don't worry about it. Just do what you do. We can be our own worst enemies by overthinking things.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 4

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 1:21:42 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirata
More seriously, though, fucking epic? Gimmie a break. You're over-inflated.

No break for you, good sir. As I see EPIC, so shall I call it. ;)

quote:

There's nothing whatsoever neurotic about the perfectly realistic appraisal that balloons burst.

Try Earth for a change.

While "Earth" has the dubious advantage of not hurting nearly as much when one falls, I think I prefer to soar, even if only briefly.

(in reply to Kirata)

Post #: 5

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 1:37:53 AM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth
While "Earth" has the dubious advantage of not hurting nearly as much when one falls, I think I prefer to soar, even if only briefly.

That's all well and good, live hard burn out then reignite is a valid lifestyle choice.

That being said, it's live hard, BURN OUT, then reignite. You're not gonna do it with out the 'burn out' so all this focusing on 'past drama' and 'feeling it's going to get fucked up' - that's just part of the cycle. By choosing to 'soar only briefly' you're tacitly accepting the crash.

You want to soar. Good. Go for it. But then when you crash don't go pouting that the people who lived on earth and tripped only got a skinned knee while you're in a bodycast.

ETA - are you by any chance bipolar? I'm not saying that as an insult, it just sounds to me like the clinical definition of "manic" then "depressed"

< Message edited by Elisabella -- 12/3/2009 1:39:41 AM >

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 6

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 1:43:35 AM

Kirata

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From: USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

No break for you, good sir. As I see EPIC, so shall I call it. ;)

Fair enough. But I'll stick with my call that what you regard as your "neurotic little fairy ass" is your better sense, and what you experience as "fucking epic" is your ego.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

I think I prefer to soar, even if only briefly.

You and Icarus. But good luck to you. I hope everything turns out well.

K.

< Message edited by Kirata -- 12/3/2009 1:47:51 AM >

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 7

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 1:44:21 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella
ETA - are you by any chance bipolar? I'm not saying that as an insult, it just sounds to me like the clinical definition of "manic" then "depressed"

It's a plausible theory, but I have not been diagnosed as such. The few times I've been able to afford a therapist in the past few years, bipolar was ruled out reasonably quickly in favor of more esoteric diagnoses (atypical depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and schizotypal personality disorder have all been suggested, but never officially diagnosed, as my financial situation over the past 2 years has not permitted me regular access to medical care).

(in reply to Elisabella)

Post #: 8

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 1:50:53 AM

Ialdabaoth

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From: Tempe, AZ
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirata
Fair enough. But I'll stick with my call that what you regard as your "neurotic little fairy ass" is your better sense, and what you experience as "fucking epic" is your ego.

Oohhhhhhh... That's interesting how you read that! in the OP, the phrase "fucking epic" was actually referring to her talents, not my own. I'm a part of epic things, and certainly capable of bringing them out, but I am merely the facilitator.

(in reply to Kirata)

Post #: 9

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 2:49:19 AM

Fitznicely

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Every actor I've heard interviewed admits to nerves of some sort or other, and almost universally says they wouldn't change it for the world.

I'd suggest using that little voice to ensure the I's are dotted and the T's crossed.

OCD isn't always a bad thing

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(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 10

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 4:28:31 AM

KateyCaine

Posts: 274
Joined: 5/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirata

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

I'm back in the game! Woo! ...it's been fucking epic. People are whispering my name, people are coming up to me to ask questions, people see me as someone to talk to for advice... but I'm terrified my neurotic little fairy ass is going to fuck it up.

Now what?

Simple. Fuck it up and get it over with. Then you won't have to worry about it anymore. Why torture yourself?

More seriously, though, fucking epic? Gimmie a break. You're over-inflated. There's nothing whatsoever neurotic about the perfectly realistic appraisal that balloons burst.

Try Earth for a change.

K.

i have to agree with Kirata - balloons DO burst - also bear in mind that it's not a competition. There will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself, in all areas of your life, not just regarding talent. The OP seems to be being overly-competitive. Have a good time with your subs, stop obsessing about besting people, otherwise it will become a drag and lose its fun.

k.

_____________________________

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His love and my devotion and service to Him are stronger than leather or steel.

(in reply to Kirata)

Post #: 11

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 5:12:58 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

I agree with katey. Whilst I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with seeking the limelight, especially if you have something good up your sleeve, trying to be Master of the universe just gets peoples backs up. There will always be another expert sitting on a nearby star that is waiting to knock you off yours.
When I first started promotional work within the BDSM community I was told 'never sit on a pedestal because there is only way off and that's downwards'.
Recognition is nice but respect amongst the scene can be very fickle. The people I know on the scene that have made their mark and get continued respect are those that are generally nice people and not so up their own arse that nobody but them can do things properly.

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Post #: 12

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 5:43:55 AM

MsMillgrove

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Joined: 5/27/2008
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I've always been fascinated by what you do...and imagine how exciting it must be to help mold others into amazing creatures. Thinking of you a bit like a gymnastics coach. Probably much more than that--but same idea of going for the gold at the Olympics, training the very best in the country etc.
And hey lets face it, the fuckups will come. How can they not.
You look at the coaches for gymnastics, ice skating, they're always on tenterhooks. Will their girl's scores put them into the finals, the top three, a gold medal?

They lose a lot. Even though they are the best, they can't win a gold medal with every athlete trained. So you won't either. You'll have your failures, students who seem so promising who won't do the work, who can't manage something important to overall success. But is that "fucking up"?

How do you think you're going to fuck up? By "showing off" your girls and getting the backs up of other subs/doms etc. Could be. Inherent in this scenario is that little ugly green jealousy weed. It's how you handle yourself that will make a difference. I know you are proud of your pupils.. not so much of yourself, but the problem is you always come off as less than humble. This hubris is what I fear is going to get you. The inability to tone down the pride and at least look and
sound somewhat modest.

Anyway it's great news that you have a partner cause that might make a huge difference in how things go, you have someone else to share the pride and pain, to bolster you up when you get down. It's a very different situation now--with two of you. Hope it works out great for you both!

Cheers, MsM

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 13

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 9:16:41 AM

LPslittleclip

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Joined: 9/29/2007
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relax and do a few diagphram breaths and just do it. we are all human and will fall and make mistakes so lighten up and just be yourself.

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Post #: 14

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 11:41:25 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
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Eh, competition isn't really my thing. People who do amazing and epic things aren't competition; they're potential collaborators. People who won't aren't competition; they're an audience.

I'd really prefer to live in a world that wasn't so damned competitive, truth be told.

(in reply to LPslittleclip)

Post #: 15

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 11:44:36 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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Ia,

I think you will do just as damn fine as you please, laddie buck. Knock off the fuckin bad self-talk.......get a book called 'Mindfullness' and meditate........

It ain't over till a couple years after you are buried (just to be sure), know what I mean?

Ron

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Post #: 16

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 2:19:37 PM

Kirata

Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

That's interesting how you read that...

Well.....

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

So far, it's been fucking epic... people see me as someone to talk to for advice on doing EPIC THINGS with their subs.

You said "it" has been, not "she" has been. You talked about how "people see" you now, not her. And you advising others on "doing epic things" with their subs is about you, not her.

Call it a guess?

K.

< Message edited by Kirata -- 12/3/2009 3:05:49 PM >

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 17

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 7:20:08 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

Now what?

Consider that you are offering a skill-service to her for mutual greater benefit. Is it possible something related to her abilities can reciprocally be used to work on your self-confidence (as if it isn't already partially happening by the joint venture)?

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 18

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 7:24:03 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirata

More seriously, though, fucking epic? Gimmie a break. You're over-inflated.

Next time I see you post about something positive happening in your life, I'll remember to call you stupid for being excited about it.

P.S.: there's a whole forum of folks you can go out of your way to deflate here, if you are so moved by your belittling fixation.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 12/3/2009 7:32:44 PM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to Kirata)

Post #: 19

RE: Rebuilding confidence - 12/3/2009 7:29:33 PM

breatheasone

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Joined: 7/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirata

More seriously, though, fucking epic? Gimmie a break. You're over-inflated.

Next time I see you post about something positive happening in your life, I'll remember to call you stupid for being excited about it.

P.S.: there's a whole thread of folks you can go out of your way to deflate here, if you are so moved by your belittling fixation.

RIGHT-ON!

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Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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Post #: 20

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