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CaringandReal -> RE: Rebuilding confidence (12/4/2009 5:25:19 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth
Trouble is, my confidence is still shattered from various Past Trauma (or perhaps, Past Drama - I don't know anymore). I KNOW I'm incredibly competent, I KNOW I'm almost effortlessly capable of turning talented raw material into utterly inhuman examples of grace and prowess, but I'm terrified my neurotic little fairy ass is going to fuck it up.
Now what?
I don't know your history so I'm not quite sure what your lack of confidence before was all about. But based on what you said here...
Take it very, very slow, especially when it comes to the things that caused you to lose your confidence before. Don't over extend in anyway. Don't take on too many students, don't take on too many lovers (that's a huge cause of unwanted drama, you know), don't fall in love too fast or hard, don't become too enamoured of all the praise you're getting now, the same shallow people who like to be associated with someone popular and rising will turn on you in a second as soon as you are no longer the coolest thing since fireplay. Don't invest too much of your emotions, realize it could all be snatched away in a moment, so try to slowly, carefully build a solid foundation of reputation and skill or whatever it is you are seeking people acknowledge. Enjoy your moments of flash and glory, but don't think it means anything beyond the moment. People so quickly forget the god of the week, or the flavor of the day. Right now, while you ride this wave of popularity, you have an opportunity to meet a lot more people than maybe you would at other times, when you were withdrawn or not socializing. Use this opportunity to try to find good solid people, friends, lovers, servants, whatever you're seeking. It sounds like that domme might turn out to be a lasting friend. Look for people with qualities like stability, loyalty, honesty rather than beauty, charm, chrasima, ability to flatter. They are far more likely to last and will see you through future bad times, when they come. Such quality people are always there, hiding amongst the crowd of others who are shallow and just attracted to "shiny bright objects," but they are often not "performers" and won't stand out. You'll have to seek them out.
Finally look for your own interior balance amidst all this attention, something to maintain when it starts to fade, and for pete's sake, don't be surprised when or if it does start to fade. It may happen in a week, it may not happn for 20 years. But it always fades, life always changes. Television put it quite well:
"I spoke to a man
down at the tracks.
I asked him
how he don't go mad.
He said "Look here junior, don't you be so happy.
And for Heaven's sake, don't you be so sad." "
It sounds like you don't want to curb your highs, your happiness. Only a few people in this world are so consistently successful that they can have this sort of high frequently, and even for them, their lives are interspersed with lows, and then eventually the highs get old, and they get restless and dissatisfied and wonder what it is they are missing. So if you won't curb your highs, then perhaps you should embrace your lows because they are the other side of that coin. Lows are not a karmic payback for feeling too good, it's nothing that determined or conscious, it's more of a physics thing: they go together with highs, the way electrons orbit a nucleus.
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