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Having a say - 12/3/2009 12:46:22 PM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		I am aware things go in cycles, and lately there seems to be more posts started that slam groups on Cm. Of course we have the usual dosage of rants about the wannabees and fakes that our growing by the numbers. We have the threads started about these same wannabees are the reason why certain people cannot find the right Dominant or s-type for them  We have had the posts that suggest a  ban on certain groups, like pro dommes from Cm, and make this site into their version of what is best for all of us,  We have had threads started that a slave cant be a slave because of whatever reason the O.P. decides to pull out of their hat.  It is called having a say.

Having a say about your opinion or concept is a wonderful freedom to be found on these board.  i give CM message boards kudos for making a place where people can start a thread with the intent to help themselves and others to  learn more about BDSM. There are so many different opinions here as well as a rich  variety of personalities, that imo we can all find somethng that might make sense to us, or even better get an understanding of what doesn't make sense to us. 


Having a say is a good thing, as well as having heated debates at times over what someone feels is right and another doesn't. It just opens doors to knowing their is never one answer for everyone.

You have the right to have a say, even if it is calling people wannabess, or not a real truism slave, dom..etc. This is your right. But, if you thought  for a minute and realize some people come here to learn more then to use the other side of Cm,, what would having a say mean to you then?   Would  you try to have a say that is more educational and helping people to learn, or would  having a say stay the same to you? There is no right or wrong answer here, because it is your right to having a say that matters. Just curious from this perspective, would people change what they would bring to CM as an original post?

thank you all for posting your thoughts, creating original posts and being here for me to be educated these past 2 years. i hope in the future my having a say, will benefit others like i have been lucky to received here.

wisdomtogive
aka/ oceanwynds

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RE: Having a say - 12/3/2009 12:55:52 PM   
Wolf2Bear


Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wisdomtogive

Would  you try to have a say that is more educational and helping people to learn, or would  having a say stay the same to you? There is no right or wrong answer here, because it is your right to having a say that matters. Just curious from this perspective, would people change what they would bring to CM as an original post?

thank you all for posting your thoughts, creating original posts and being here for me to be educated these past 2 years. i hope in the future my having a say, will benefit others like i have been lucky to received here.

wisdomtogive
aka/ oceanwynds


The only agenda and motivation I have behind my reasoning to post offering my point if view is based on offering other examples. In the grand scheme of things, I do not expect others to automatically belive me nor do I expect anyone to assume I hold the absolute answers. I take the stance that most will probably figure I am spouting of nonsense and figure I don't know what I'm talking about though if anyone finds logic in what I say then great.


_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

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RE: Having a say - 12/3/2009 1:05:23 PM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		I do like your motivation, and have read posts by you. Nay, you know what you are talking about, at least for yourself.

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RE: Having a say - 12/3/2009 1:09:51 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Aside from techincal information, I just relay my own personal experiences and how things process to me. I am pretty clear that it is no more or less than that. I find few can really take exception with that. My experiences are mine and really can't be explained or theorized away. It also leave me open to how others view things and assimulating what works and is sensible for me. Most of the answers to a lot of posts really are pretty personal. I think where it gets ugly is when the personal is offered as the general. There is no general. I would love to say there are some "community" standards or "commonly accepted" definitions or practices, but it just isn't so. I can say what I have seen or understood to be common. It doesn't mean there isn't a whole other world of experiences I haven't run into. No, my answers wouldn't change much.

That being said, some things just can't be explained. The only education is experience. The only use of giving a theory is to test it. A lot of posts fall into this category too. I have no problem with offering my experience and specialties to a conversation, but sometimes it is just clear that a person needs more. It is time to go beyond books and abstractions. I can try to keep a teenager alive on baby food, but it isn't going to be terribly effective and will, at the very least, hinder growth. It is the same with these types of posters. At some point it is time for that first step, that first bite of real life. I will not coddle at that point because it isn't what is needed. The time has come. It is time to fly the cozy cm nest and find out for oneself what it is like to soar. When it is time to rest and reflect, cm will still be here and the person can then offer what has been received in the past. I hate it when a little fledgling I urged out of the nest tumbles to the ground on the first tries, but it is worth every bit when they finally take off. I can't necessarily make a determination in these cases, but I can suggest that maybe this is where they have arrived and how to take that next step.

No, my answers wouldn't change much. I guess this is partly because my search and learning started online. I can only assume many people's do. I get irritated with rudimentary lessons when people are mired in the basics after so many years of supposedly being and experiencing. Still, a new stumbling block can come up for anyone. Patience is a virtue here. Thick skin and tenacity are helpful too. I don't take things personally and I know myself well enough to know when I have to walk away. My stakes aren't personal and if they become so, my opinion is no longer helpful. Many people come here seeking a balanced view, even if they don't like everything said. I cannot be unbiased and emotionally invested. There's a time to type with abandon and times to unplug the whole damn thing. The most important thing I can learn or impart is knowing when to do which.

lovingpet

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RE: Having a say - 12/3/2009 1:11:12 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I'd post in the same way I always have. I join in and *say* things when I'm motivated to, or am  interested in the subject. I don't post with anyone's education in mind....but I AM aware that some of the things that are discussed are going to be read by a vast array of people of varying experience.

The only nod I pay in that direction is to try to be clear and concise with my posts, hopefully, to eliminate misunderstandings.

agirl

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RE: Having a say - 12/3/2009 1:15:48 PM   
Wolf2Bear


Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wisdomtogive

I do like your motivation, and have read posts by you. Nay, you know what you are talking about, at least for yourself.


*grinz*

I was being a bit of a wise ass when I wrote that second part! But yes, I try to really examine my motivation, it helps avoid being a know it all - know nothing person. I'd rather have someone say thanks for pointing out another side over someone blindly following what I said and then blame me for being wrong -I am human and prone to mistakes.


_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

(in reply to wisdomtogive)
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RE: Having a say - 12/3/2009 1:20:49 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I expect anything I say to be taken with a grain of salt.  My opinions or experience are my own and should never be taken as gospel for newcomers to read and learn.  I learned on my own, hard knocks and all.  And though I have a fair degree of intelligence, skill, and the ability to research just about anything sucessfully, I would never rely on that to be the basis of what I will experience in my future.  For me reading here or anywhere is much like taking a peek at a movie review, the reviewer might find things it likes which I would not, or find things distasteful whereas I might enjoy them.  I like finding things out for myself.  Because of that, nothing I state here would change based on whether or not I believed someone was here to learn from me, or anyone.
Give me hands on, anyday.

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RE: Having a say - 12/3/2009 1:28:43 PM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		i post responses to threads way more often than i create one. i answer from my own experiences and try to make as much sense as possible. i have learned a great deal from these boards...but no where near what i have learned from real life.

Now that the circumstances in my life have changed again, i find myself reading more about topics that didnt apply to me previously...and am using what i read and what i participate in to further my understanding of what *i* am doing. If that somehow helps newer people understand something...great.

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And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

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RE: Having a say - 12/3/2009 1:42:37 PM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		Thanks lovingpet, agail, missokyst and persephonee. Yes, i do understand many speak from their own personal experiences. No ones words are should be taken as absolutes in BDSM, but these experiences do help people sometimes rethink about how they view their own role and work from there.

Sometimes someone can get into a bad situation, waves my hand, and if it wasn't for the perspectives of those who chose to talk about their experiences, the person might not see if they really need to get out. There is no red flags that fit all.

Lovingpet, with your help through c mails, you were able to help me be real and then it was up to me to do something or not.

Experience and knowledge together can be one's friend, and passing that down to another who might be confused or in trouble is very valuable.

Thank you all for your comments. As always, they are appreciated.

Plus in reality everyone's thoughts should be taken with a grain of salt:) Eventually people learn, especially new ones, this is the case.

wisdomtogive

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RE: Having a say - 12/3/2009 1:46:54 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I'm just glad I could be there. You are the one who did all the work there lovely woman!

Oh, and I'm compiling my holiday card list. Anyone wanting on it, please c mail me and let me know if you want mine in return. Sorry for the temporary hijack!

lovingpet

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If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.


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RE: Having a say - 12/3/2009 3:34:56 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		For the most part, i post from my experiences and experience to be helpful . Now, i have to admit, because i'm sure that no-one ever noticed, that my sarky side occasionally rises up and shows itself - but not unprovoked. I wouldn't change how i respond to posts, because as i said, for the most part, my motives are true.

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RE: Having a say - 12/3/2009 4:56:32 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Sad to say, a lot of people don't want to learn. They just want to be told that what they're doing, which has imploded around their ears, is the right thing to do.

I think it's pretty easy to tell the difference between someone genuinely interested in learning vs someone wanting justification or pity or just curiosity. And most, not all, of us respond differently to the different people.

Someone who just wants to be told she's right, will interpret anything else as an attack. Someone who wants pity and is honest about it, usually gets it. Someone claiming to want advice but actually wanting pity gets shorter shrift. And in my opinion, rightfully so. Sometimes sugarcoating just helps someone keep denying the reality of their situation and the only thing you can do is be blunt.

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RE: Having a say - 12/3/2009 6:52:39 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		No my response wouldn't be any different. To be honest i'm not sure why it would be. 

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RE: Having a say - 12/3/2009 7:50:38 PM   
timmaygirl


Posts: 15
Joined: 6/4/2009
Status: offline 		I am one that came here to learn.  I came here four years ago (different name but i cant actually remember the name anymore) and i came back for more.

Did i take what people said as the holy grail? No. I took what made sense to me and threw away the rest and i still continue that. I do not post much but when i do i try to make it so that people can understand what i am trying to say. They may not buy into it and that is okay with me too.

I also laughed with many, in a creeepy way cause they never really knew me but hey ...
Sometimes it is important for people who are learning to know that we all screw up and we can laugh at ourselves ... and sometimes others.

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RE: Having a say - 12/4/2009 5:51:52 AM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		Timmay, i was referred to these message boards ove 2 years ago by a close friend, who i went to for advice often. Smiles now we moved beyond close friends. Sometimes we tend to have to have other experiences before we see what is right in front of us:)..now back to topic. I never take anyone's word for anything but an opinion.

In regards to other's replies, having a say is important to me, and i take it serious in all my walks of life. Would i change it, yes if i find it it is warranted. I know i always have room for improvement, and having a say is one avenue i can do this. In sharing my experiences and ideas in what i say, might just help 1 person. i am not in this life to change the world but to touch a few hands and hearts. In having a say, i can do this, without putting expectations on how it will be received by others.

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RE: Having a say - 12/4/2009 7:15:49 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I think much of My response was very well written by lovingpet, with a few exceptions.

In the majority of cases, I think I have attempted to assist when there was educational value in what I had to say.  In the same breath, I can't remember how many times  I've used phrases such as 'in My experience,' 'how things work in My dynamic,' etc, have been typed out over the years.  My favorite of these is any version of 'there isn't one true way, but there is My way that works for Me'.  I have to admit that part of that answer boils down to if I thought someone else's way was better, I probably would have adopted it by now.  I wouldn't be very truthful if I said that happened often these days.

At the same time, I've typed out a lot of answers in coming up on three years here at CM.  Most of My opinions on just about any topic that folks can come up with is already out there somewhere.  On a number of occasions, I've seen a topic repeated and all I did to reply to it was go back to a past thread, and cut and paste My response from it.  There were even a couple of times in the past week or so that the thread conversation with one particular poster was so similar, it made Me want to ask them if they would like Me to refer them to the prior thread where we had discussed the exact same thing before.  Whether that falls into the category of poor memory or lacking in research, I couldn't say.

Speaking of research, I don't honestly think it would hurt folks to do some before getting to these boards and post the same, routine 101 type questions over and over.  On this, I am talking about very basic level things that a read of "The Loving Dominant" or "Screw The Roses" wouldn't cure.  There's a difference between helping someone out with information and spoon feeding those who show no initiative on their own. 

Personally, I learn best by a combination of research and application by experience.  I'm a hands on kind of person.  I'm only going to get so much out of reading on a subject.  Once I'm actually *doing* whatever it is, it goes from one dimensional to three dimensional for Me.  There's only so much I can do in those areas where folks aren't ready to make that leap.  Until they are ready to participate in this in the real world, there's only so much I can explain.  Some things have to be learned first hand and no amount of writing on a message board will change that.




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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: Having a say - 12/4/2009 7:26:41 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I am always going to give my opinions in 'my voice'. On here, as in my personal life, my voice will, at times, offend people. I accept the responsibility of my words and opinions.

As I have said, multiple times on here, I do temper my words a great deal more in writing than I do in person. You all do not know me as well, do not see my expressions, etc. as the people I see face to face. In addition, humour does not always translate well.

I also assume, often falsely I am sure, that the people posting here are relatively sane and intelligent adults. Given that assumption I refuse to word my opinions as though I am addressing grade school children. Even though many seem to behave and think like them.

I write from MY opinions and MY life experiences. That is all I have to offer. If it is helpful to someone, fabulous. If it is offensive or useless, they are more than able to ignore my words.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Having a say - 12/4/2009 10:46:26 AM   
OrionTheWolf


Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		This is very spot on, and something I have been trying to convey in a couple of topics. Taking responsibility for our words, as well as our actions, is the other side of being able to state our opinions.

Now a comment on the OP, a slight correction, which I am not sure if it has been touched on yet, there is no right to post on these forums. It is a privilege given by CollarMe. They set the TOS and guidelines by which we operate. We are guests in their cyber home, and there are times even I forget that, but if we all acted more like a guest in someone else's home, things may come across differently.

<chuckle> Much of mine will not, because like LaTigresse, I offer my opinion in my voice how I see fit, and accept the consequences/responsibility of that.

Good topic BTW.


quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I am always going to give my opinions in 'my voice'. On here, as in my personal life, my voice will, at times, offend people. I accept the responsibility of my words and opinions.



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RE: Having a say - 12/4/2009 11:21:09 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		I for one also appreciate these boards and the people I have come to know here. Collarme is my spiritual home and the draw for me is the specific character of these boards.

We are all individuals, each and every single one of us, we walk our own paths through life, live according to our inner 'life script' and work towards whatever we feel our objective in life is. These boards are specific in nature, because people come here to explore their relationships not just with other people but also with themselves and often in the context of needs, wants and desires which differ from the norm.

Yes there is a downside and a negative side on some threads and made by some posters, but it's always worth stopping to consider that these boards are a place of learning and development for many, and that process of learning and development often involves new situations and new experiences and as a result people can feel somewhat insecure. In fact I would even suggest that insecurity is probably the biggest motivating factor behind negative posting and it also is probably a common motivating factor for starting threads.

When people are insecure and perhaps lacking in confidence or self-assurance they tend to become defensive and the fears they have may prevent them from having a clear view or perspective of their situation. Others will simply withdraw, and others will do whatever they can to seek attention. This is perhaps at times emphasized by the fact that often you know enough, but there's usually someone around with a greater degree of knowledge or experience.

However these boards are also international, diverse, and cross-cultural and the format works because WIITWD is truly human and therefore truly cross-cultural, and we see this to a better degree in the upper sections here than the lower sections, such as Off Topic and Politics and Religion which can often be very culture specific or relevant to one society.

But it's also a very friendly and positive environment because not just the moderators, who do sterling work, but also many of the regular posters will usually challenge or tackle any instance of Internet bullying or intimidation and it is in this sense, accessible to anyone with a computer and a working Internet connection, where we can all experience that sense of humanity, community and usually understanding which is so characteristic of what many call the BDSM community.

And long may it continue...

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RE: Having a say - 12/4/2009 12:05:37 PM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for posting on this thread. i truly am honor  many of you and have respected your experiences and knowledge.

It is so true we all voice in our own voice, and in many ways it reveals a lot about the person behind the typing.  i prefer to take responsibility for my actions and words(even the mispelled ones.:) Hopefully when i get my new glasses this might help..maybe:)

Thank you OrionTheWolf for making the correction. It is a privilege, and one i hope continues. Never take anyone or anything for granted, for it is in having a say we can inspire or damage a good thing.

< Message edited by wisdomtogive -- 12/4/2009 12:07:30 PM >

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