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Rednekcol -> RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attracted to your slave (or your master)? (12/11/2009 12:54:11 PM)
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As it has been commented, this is a question that tends to permeate beyond just the world of kink and D/s. Though it is sad to see, the average level of commitment that is involved when two people get married is dropping. I suspect that, whether or not marriage is involved, the same is true in the D/s world. To a large extent, the world in general is moving to believe that a lack of consequences is better. It seems to be the common opinion that if something in the relationship no longer works for one or both parties, it is acceptable to end it. I suspect that this philosophy will lead to fewer people being accepting of drastic physical changes, and more ending of relationships as a result.
As someone who has not been married, but wants to be, I have always tried to be observant of those with marriages and relationships that are strong, especially those that have been tested in many ways. The following are a few of my conclusions from observation.
First, whether it is kink or not, a relationship cannot be based solely on sexual attraction and pleasure. There have been a number of discussions on here regarding the separating of sex and emotional involvement. Whether or not you think this is acceptable, it is my conclusion that this won't lead to a relationship that would weather much crisis on the attraction front. Whether we like to admit it or not, eventually we all risk finding ourselves in a position where sex is less important to us. Whether that is because age steals away our potency or for other reasons, a relationship in which sexual pleasure, tension, and attraction were the prime focus is going to be very hard to salvage.
Second, (and perhaps the most uncommon of the points I will make) excessive pornography tends to exacerbate this kind of problem. When a man and a woman are committed to one another and grow with one another, the attraction between them grows with them. It comes to extend far beyond the initial physical attraction, at least for most of the people I have seen. The issue with pornography is that is designed to appeal and addict. What starts in pornography often becomes fetish, even to the extreme definition of where sexual arousal/pleasure becomes much less potent without that. No matter what other effects it may have, the pornography industry does have the effect of making the younger and/or more "attractive" appearances a very strong sexual fetish. (I realize that the term fetish may be a little bit false in it's use here, as it seems the majority of society is now associating young women with sexual drive, so perhaps we have moved beyond something that is "not generally considered erotic".) In any event, I have observed that relationships in which one or both partners are frequent viewers of pornography are less likely to stay together through physical changes. I am sure there are APA and other psychological studies on these effects as well, and I know I have browsed a few, though I don't have them on hand to reference at the moment. A little digging should be easy enough, if people want to press this point.
The last point I would like to make is that attraction is not something we don't have control over. I have seen many couples go through the rocky times, realizing they don't feel for each other the way they used to. While a large number do go for a divorce at those times, there are also those who choose that they are going to work to revitalize that attraction, to recover what they lost. Whatever the reason for the lack of attraction, it doesn't have to be the end of what has been a long and happy relationship. It may require effort and change from both parties, but people can choose to work for that attraction.
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