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abusive vs Dominant - 12/8/2009 2:04:53 PM   
katzpur


Posts: 6
Joined: 10/12/2009
Status: offline 		i don't usually find myself watching tv but caught a show  today kinda from the middle, it was a boyfriend beats me show, when she was like 16 he bit her face, since that time he has broke her nose, burned her w an iron, pushed her downstairs the list goes on and on, but an interesting thing i noticed is he had a very Dom attitude, whatever i do is right, and if she dont listen she deserves the punishment i choose to deal.  Didnt care that his own mother had called the cops on him....Now to my question,  i know the words safe, sane and consensual are like the BDSM motto, but i have recently gotten out of an oppressive BDSM relationship not as bad as that just one concussion and bumped w a truck but no serious lasting injury, and now esp since i am looking for another Dom , i was wondering how does a girl who is drawn to Dominant men avoid picking an abusive over the top control freak, yet still find a fulfilling kinky, dominant?

< Message edited by katzpur -- 12/8/2009 2:27:06 PM >
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RE: abusive vs Dominant - 12/8/2009 2:12:05 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		That is a tough one, kiddo. Talk, alot.......get to know him and those around him.....he'll be checking out your shit, check out his, see if he has a record, or a history, and if he's been through alotta girls, why? what ended his last couple relationships (cause at our age it ain't necessarily going to be just one, although that can happen as well)......

go out a few times, don't move in the next day......

abusers are good at hiding, and throwing up blocks, so nothing is foolproof.

Ron

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: abusive vs Dominant - 12/8/2009 2:15:38 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		First let's not confuse arrongance and assholism with dominance.

Second, you'd better have a good knowledge of yourself and be as healthy a person as possible (not necessarily talking about physical health here either).

Third, take the time to get to know someone very well before entering a collar.

Fourth, take the understanding that if a man "only" gave you a concussion and "bumped" you with his truck, you are not ready to make this distinction. Unless those were things you were both doing as part of play, which I doubt, those are pretty abusive actions that could have done a lot more than just hurt you. There is the hurt/harm axiom. I may hurt you, but never to harm you. Do you see the difference? If not, keep working on yourself and learning about D/s. Take good care and remember that toys are meant to be taken care of, not broken.

lovingpet

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If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

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RE: abusive vs Dominant - 12/8/2009 2:36:22 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

...how does a girl who is drawn to Dominant men avoid picking an abusive over the top control freak, yet still find a fulfilling kinky, dominant?...


it has been this slave's experience that abusive over the top control freaks want to destroy you...they don't even really like your "kind", deep down.
 
fulfilling, kinky dominants, on the other hand, have no desire to send you to the hospital or the morgue.
 
and yeah, sometimes it's hard to discern the difference...but once you do, it's unmistakable.

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RE: abusive vs Dominant - 12/8/2009 3:02:00 PM   
katzpur


Posts: 6
Joined: 10/12/2009
Status: offline 		true, i am having a very difficult time since i left him, six yrs i put up w anger and whining, that i am pretty toast.  i do not function very well without someone to serve and in the last relationship i had learned to ignore my needs focusing on just him.  My son is grown and gone, i feel lost now... ive been trying to come up with some goals or direction wonder if any other sub types flounder as i do without guidance.  i am sad alone, but afraid of picking yet another brute in a short consecutive row of em... Just cause i like being flogged, spanked, tied n whatnot does not mean i dont want a warm loving relationship that is mellow the rest of the time.... and no the concussion and bump were part of his anger control issues.  i stayed longer than i should have to help him take care of his mother, he wouldnt even visit with her in her room unless i went with, and she was helpless.... but i knew the choice i had made at the time i thought it the right thing to do....

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RE: abusive vs Dominant - 12/8/2009 3:17:21 PM   
katzpur


Posts: 6
Joined: 10/12/2009
Status: offline 		well this is throwing some for a loop, i dont usually ask such direct questions, and i thank you for the ideas, already i have a new filter tool, but i was wondering how does one go about checking to see if someone has been arrested before?

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RE: abusive vs Dominant - 12/8/2009 3:21:06 PM   
Llyren


Posts: 637
Joined: 3/5/2007
From: Illinois
Status: offline 		You probably won't like this advice, but you might want to consider staying out of relationships for a while, to figure out who you are, and to learn to live with just yourself.  You need to figure out why you stayed with someone who seems far more abusive then Dominant.  As someone said, you play with your toys, you don't break them. 

Once you know who you are inside your skin, and you're happy with her, it will, I hope, and I do believe, make it easier to weed out those who are not going to be healthy for you.  But I do wish you luck.


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I'm not perving. I'm compensating for my myopia. So nyah.


Member of Cock-Suckers for World Peace

"Character is what you are in the dark."

- Lord John Whorfin

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RE: abusive vs Dominant - 12/8/2009 3:28:48 PM   
flcouple2009


Posts: 2784
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline 		Remember there is a huge difference between dominant and domineering 

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RE: abusive vs Dominant - 12/8/2009 3:40:48 PM   
MasterJimUK


Posts: 8
Joined: 11/29/2009
Status: offline 		Great topic.

I've seen doms of both sexes who seem to view domination as a licence to abuse and exploit, rather that a gift and responsibility.

All I can offer is that talking is important. He should take the time to get to know you, what you like, what works for you and let things develop at your pace.
An easy mistake to make as a sub is giving up control to quickly. Its exciting when the Dom starts taking over. They want control and you want a master and before you know it you've gone into the whole D/s dynamic without really taking the time to learn enough about each other.

At the talking and getting to know each other stage you should feel at ease to ask the master anything and question him in detail. He has to earn the gift of submission and be worthy of it.

For the record I think you did a good thing with his mother. Don't beat yourself up to hard for being a nice person, just try and bolster your self-esteem a little and recognsie that you deserve better than someone like him and have nothing to prove by staying on in bad relationships.

< Message edited by MasterJimUK -- 12/8/2009 3:45:20 PM >

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RE: abusive vs Dominant - 12/8/2009 3:57:10 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		The rules vary I think state to state about how obtain and criminal background check, but I am sure a call to your local police department can give you those answers.

I am not always rough in my responses, but I have been in a similar position to where you are. I had to do a whole lot of work on me before I was ever going to be a healthy partner for someone else. I would suggest, as Lleyrn did, to stay out of relationships for awhile and work on yourself. You attract what you are, not necessarily what you want. You are in an unhealthy place right now, so you will attract unhealthy people. It is not your fault. It is the result of living in an abusive situation. It only becomes your fault if you don't do anything to change it and keep repeating the same ineffective patterns. I would suggest some counseling and a time of introspection. I am one that flounders on my own too, but it is better to deal with the discomfort for a time than a huge mistake for years or a lifetime. Counseling will help with this too. You've got to rediscover yourself and find things that bring you fulfillment. You have an identity too. I know I forgot that for a long, long time.

All my best to you sweetie! Take good care and do what is right for YOU through this time.

lovingpet

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If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.


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RE: abusive vs Dominant - 12/8/2009 4:17:07 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Imo...stop dating for awhile. Stop being in relationships  for awhile...take a break. Step away, contemplate, get your life in order, meditate, speak to someone...a therapist or a spiritual guide of some sort.

When you feel comfortable with yourself, when you've built up more self confidence and you can stand up straight to defend yourself and you are more aware of who you are, then you can start to seek out another for a satisfying relationship if that's what you still want.

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RE: abusive vs Dominant - 12/8/2009 5:15:59 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		That doesn't sound like Dominance to me, which I define as the ability to lead and make decisions. To me that guy sounds like an abusive bossy asshole who needs a foot planted in his behind to remind him that he isn't "all that".

OP you will have to decide what YOUR definition of Dominance is and go from there. Take your time, read books, go to munches and then perhaps you will have a better idea of what a Dominant should be.


Just my two cents.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






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RE: abusive vs Dominant - 12/8/2009 9:43:14 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: katzpur
  i do not function very well without someone to serve and in the last relationship i had learned to ignore my needs focusing on just him. 


quote:

ORIGINAL: katzpur
flounder as i do without guidance.


I'm sure this goes against a lot of beliefs here, but you need to be able to function without someone telling you what to do. Wanting to serve someone is great, but not being able to function well because are serving....well it just isnt' the same thing and in no way is it healthy. As an adult, you should be capable of making adult decisions. Just like people who can't "function" properly without being in a relationship, not functioning because you have no one to serve is unhealthy.

Others are totally correct in saying that you shouldn't date or even look for a while. I would suggest that you investigate the possibility of getting therapy so you can learn how to stand on your own two feet and guide yourself. As long as you feel you "can't" function without someone else (whether it is to guide you or just because you want a relationship), you will continue to enter into bad relationships just so you aren't alone.

While I understand you wanted to help him take care of his mother, you obviously need to learn that YOU and your value as a person should be the most important thing, as opposed to simply following your need to serve and help others when it is putting you in harm's way, as this relationship obviously did. The guy gave you a concussion and tried to run you over with his truck and you look at these things as "just" small things that happened. Until you learn otherwise, you need to not be in a relationship for your own safety.

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RE: abusive vs Dominant - 12/8/2009 11:27:57 PM   
katzpur


Posts: 6
Joined: 10/12/2009
Status: offline 		the offense w the vehicle occurred in January, it has been almost a full year... and i am taking my time though knifing thru Doms like a hot knife thru butter, the first sign of any trouble i run now... purrrrrrhapse i am too skittish yet, i did go thru some homeless periods and rough times since i left but do not ultimately regret the actual act of finally being free, but now what? Guess i am still pretty toast, but still have the dream of a loving union with all the intense experiences that i crave and dream about... and i am getting older dont want to dilly dally around wasting precious time.... purrrrrrrrz but i also do not want to repeat history again.

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RE: abusive vs Dominant - 12/8/2009 11:41:53 PM   
katzpur


Posts: 6
Joined: 10/12/2009
Status: offline 		i have tried counseling and its very hard on my income to find a kink friendly therapist, impossible here i would say im having trouble just getting into a regular dr... if i thought it would help purrrhapse i would go for it... i do have a very good friend who is kinda serving as a therapist and protector at the moment.  But i agree with some of what you say, it rings true, but i have come to accept that i am the way i am... and i am not sure that it necessarily means i will pick another lemon after i feel lesson has been learned.... maybe i do but now i think i will be much bolder about leaving sooner if things start going south....

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RE: abusive vs Dominant - 12/9/2009 12:44:06 AM   
rockspider


Posts: 633
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline 		What is the difference between dominant and abusive? I very often seen it mentioned in here and rarely is there somebody who really gets it right. The answer is really simple. It is the personally trait "emphati". We all posses it in more or less degree. Some the degree is none. They are called psychopats. The other side of the scale must be Jesus if you believe the bible. A man who dedicated his entire life in to dominering people in to being good to each other.
How do you go about deciphering whether a person have this emphati in sufficient quantatives. Strangely enough, when you finally decide to find out of how, it is all to obvious when you see it written down by an expert in it. An exellent one is Ph.d. Martha Stout. She has among other books written one named "The Sociopath Next Door". A fantastic read if you decide to set out to be a slave or sub.

< Message edited by rockspider -- 12/9/2009 12:46:59 AM >

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RE: abusive vs Dominant - 12/9/2009 4:58:15 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		I would say the same way a girl avoids picking up an abusive guy, when she is looking for a vanilla boyfriend. Get to know the guy and then start a relationship. I don't think bdsm has anything to do with it. Common sense goes a long way.

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This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


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RE: abusive vs Dominant - 12/9/2009 5:00:55 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: katzpur
, i was wondering how does a girl who is drawn to Dominant men avoid picking an abusive over the top control freak, yet still find a fulfilling kinky, dominant?


By having and using common sense.
If you don't have that, then your relationships will fail regardless of whether it's a dominant man or not.
I don't go in for the whole'don't get into another relationship' or the six month break thang.  Some people are totally able to go straight into another relationship and for it to work.  But if you have to ask how to recognise non groovy abuse from the groovy - then you are not ready.  Feeling lost is no excuse to jump into a relationship.  No one to serve?  Then learn how to serve yourself first.

the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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