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Depressed Submissive - 12/9/2009 9:33:14 PM   
TTDom


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/9/2009
Status: offline 		Hi, I am looking for some advice. I have a submissive partner that I have been with for the last 3 years. She recently lost her brother back in September, and now that the holidays are approaching, she is sinking deeper into depression. I am at a loss as to what to actually do for her... does anyone have any advice?
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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/9/2009 9:40:26 PM   
Kat713


Posts: 134
Joined: 8/31/2008
Status: offline 		Just let her know that you're there for her and remind her that her brother is watching over her now and that he would want her to be happy during the holidays. Maybe plan a trip to visit his grave, and give her lots of love and attention. That's my idea anyway.

(in reply to TTDom)
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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/9/2009 9:41:55 PM   
onlyfreelycaged


Posts: 254
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		the holiday's are always hard after the loss of a family member. after I lost my mother I know that it took me years before I could enjoy them again.It took me years to be my self again after the loss... but I also had to go at it alone.

I'd recommend therapy with a good grief therapists, if it gets really bad. Even if it dosn't that can be helpfull.

as far as other thigns.. taken them slowly, leave at least some place that she can be without being reminded of Christmas and the season. Try to do the things that she enjoyed last year and the year before.. you could even add in new things that are just for the two of you.

I think that most importanlty, be there for her.. let her have time alone if she needed it.. or just hold her when she cries. It's normal to be sad, and upset and emotional.

< Message edited by onlyfreelycaged -- 12/9/2009 9:42:49 PM >

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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/9/2009 9:41:58 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		Just let her cry... sometimes you just need for someone to just let you cry. hold her hand.... and let her grieve. This will be my husbands 1st Christmas without his brother (his brother died in a car accident Jan of this year) my husband seemed to enjoy talking about good memories he had of his brother. He would tell me a story about when the two of them were kids...he'd laugh while telling the story, and cry when he was done. i laughed and cried with him.... So maybe ask about her brother, talking about him may help.

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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/9/2009 9:42:36 PM   
jennileigh8182


Posts: 173
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline 		I'm not a professional, but I'd say be there for her.  Be understanding, be sensitive, try not to let her wallow in it....and let her know that it is completely ok if she needs to speak to a counselor other than you about it.  Let her know that you're on board with her speaking to a grief therapist, that it doesn't reflect on you taking care of her or not, doesn't reflect on her needing more than you can offer, doesn't in any way violate whatever arrangement you two have as a couple.

While I haven't gone through this, I can guess at the strain it would place on a regular relationship, and further how it could be complicated by D/s dynamics.  I think, as a sub, that if i wanted to speak to a therapist instead of my dom, i would be worried about him thinking i didn't trust him, that i felt i couldn't open up to him, etc, etc....when in actuality, it may be that a detached view is needed, someone that isn't involved and is a professional at handling these situations.

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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/9/2009 9:45:49 PM   
onlyfreelycaged


Posts: 254
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jennileigh8182

I'm not a professional, but I'd say be there for her.  Be understanding, be sensitive, try not to let her wallow in it....and let her know that it is completely ok if she needs to speak to a counselor other than you about it.  Let her know that you're on board with her speaking to a grief therapist, that it doesn't reflect on you taking care of her or not, doesn't reflect on her needing more than you can offer, doesn't in any way violate whatever arrangement you two have as a couple.

While I haven't gone through this, I can guess at the strain it would place on a regular relationship, and further how it could be complicated by D/s dynamics.  I think, as a sub, that if i wanted to speak to a therapist instead of my dom, i would be worried about him thinking i didn't trust him, that i felt i couldn't open up to him, etc, etc....when in actuality, it may be that a detached view is needed, someone that isn't involved and is a professional at handling these situations.



as someone who's gone through this I would only change I'd make is don't let her wallow in it too long. a little bit is good thow.. helps to just get through some of it...

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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/9/2009 9:50:13 PM   
freyjasdottir


Posts: 253
Joined: 8/29/2006
From: PA
Status: offline 		There is a website called adult sibling grief, I can't remember the URL but it is most likely the first thing that will come up with that search, there is also a book about the topic and that auther created the site. If she sees a grief therapist it must be one who understands that loosing a sibling is very hard, many do not acknowledge the bond. My best friends and I have all lost siblings, its an odd thing at our ages.

When you lose your parent you lose your past, when you lose your spouse you lose your present, when you lose a child you lose your future. When you lose a sibling you lose your past, present and future.

(in reply to onlyfreelycaged)
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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/9/2009 11:37:43 PM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		Pay for counseling/therapy with a professional psychologist.

If you required a significant surgical procedure, would you ask people here how to perform it yourself?

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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/9/2009 11:41:49 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: aldompdx

Pay for counseling/therapy with a professional psychologist.

If you required a significant surgical procedure, would you ask people here how to perform it yourself?

That wasn't very fair... There are plenty of people on here (me being one) that have been through this, and can lend at the very least an understanding ear...but hopefully some useful advice


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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/10/2009 12:32:57 AM   
Underumam


Posts: 485
Joined: 12/18/2008
Status: offline 		Depression is a bitch......I know what it feels like to have absolutely no idea what to do with it. but grin and bear it. Just try to be supportive as the others have suggested. As long as you have each other things will work out.

(in reply to breatheasone)
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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/10/2009 2:09:30 AM   
badlilthang


Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: freyjasdottir

When you lose your parent you lose your past, when you lose your spouse you lose your present, when you lose a child you lose your future. When you lose a sibling you lose your past, present and future.


so wonderfully worded, freyasdottir..smiles...

OP - i lost my only brother suddenly 3 years ago - and it was so hard...i lost my dad years ago - my mom in 2002 - and that was all the family i had...(except from hubby and son)...losing our parents...my brother and i still had our past...we could share memories and laugh together, but when he passed - suddenly i realized i had no one to keep the memories alive with me, and i was terribly lost for a long time...

What helped me was to remember and talk about the good things - fun things..we laughed a lot, my brother and i - and this made it easier on me...to be allowed to talk about him - what we shared...and keep him alive that way.

So my advice is - ask about her brother - ask what they did together - what made him special, etc...help her keeping him alive in her heart...if she is too down - a therapist might be the way to go - but as was said...one with experience in the loss of a siebling..the bond is very strong with some sieblings - and it is like a part of yourself dies with them...

i wish Yyou both the best - and just know....clichè maybe - time will heal the wounds..the pain will fade - but the sense of loss might be there always...i tell myself how lucky was to have him there all my life...and i know he is with me now...how odd that may sound....i sense him...s...




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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/10/2009 3:03:05 AM   
MsMillgrove


Posts: 260
Joined: 5/27/2008
Status: offline 		Two of my friends took losses very hard and went to their Catholic church for group grief counseling. If your sub is an atheist, this is not a good idea, of course.
However, the free counseling sessions were not faith-oriented, so anyone with some vague faith would be comfortable. What impressed me about their experiences was how much better they felt after the six week sessions. Whatever they are doing in these groups must be working. Both said that it was listening to the stories of others, sharing their feelings, that was helpful. They felt so alone in the power of their grief. When they heard others sharing, reporting same intensity--it made them feel better.

There's something very powerful in support groups. I have been in two of them and I'm kind of a private person, not much into spilling the beans with strangers, but inside a group--there's an energy that's difficult to define--it's healing. You don't have to say a word, just sit and when you get up to leave, you feel like a great weight has lifted from your chest.

I've lost all my family, I have no cousins, aunts, nothing. Only my children. (and one of those is gone from me as well). The pain of having no one to relive your past with--well sometimes it feels like you don't have one anymore. The holidays always bring back the memories--and for me there's no way to "get over it". I just sit down and cry for awhile, dry the eyes, get up and go forward.

I have one little suggestion and that's to do small activities that are new to you both. Going to see the Christmas lights on drives, or whatever holiday events there might be in your community or activities that neither of you have done before, gives you new shared experiences, something different to talk about and you're also creating new traditions and memories for yourselves.
Before they had drugs for depression, they had only behavioral remedies--a change of scenery really does give a lift to someone who feels low.

(in reply to badlilthang)
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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/10/2009 3:11:09 AM   
elleX


Posts: 161
Joined: 10/24/2009
Status: offline 		 Hello TDom,
she surely need to express herslef and cry
but one question come first to my mind , does she have insight about her status
Would she listen to You,,,
and at the end , what kind of service do You have into Your area
elleX

(in reply to TTDom)
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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/10/2009 3:23:12 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

quote:

ORIGINAL: aldompdx

Pay for counseling/therapy with a professional psychologist.

If you required a significant surgical procedure, would you ask people here how to perform it yourself?

That wasn't very fair... There are plenty of people on here (me being one) that have been through this, and can lend at the very least an understanding ear...but hopefully some useful advice




It may not have been worded prettily but it is good advice. Severe depression can not be cured by "I understand"s and "there there"s.

A professional is going to be the best equiped to help the person in question deal with their depression. Not a bunch of strangers on a BDSM forum board.

_____________________________

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/10/2009 3:48:08 AM   
MsMillgrove


Posts: 260
Joined: 5/27/2008
Status: offline 		in reply to:
---It may not have been worded prettily but it is good advice. Severe depression can not be cured by "I understand"s and "there there"s
A professional is going to be the best equiped to help the person in question deal with their depression. Not a bunch of strangers on a BDSM forum board.------

Grief is not "severe depression". Yes, sometimes extended grieving can bring on a severe depression, but there's a vast difference between the two. When someone close to you dies, you go into grief, if you're a normal person. Grieving takes a long time. The brother passed in Sept., we're only 3 months into the grief process, with the holidays in our faces. People need time, lots of time, to get over big losses. And you don't "get over" in the sense that it's gone. It fades out, it comes back, it's like waves in the sea. They wash over and then receed.

Finding the right professional while in crisis, is not easy. Going to a much less expensive group session of grief support led by a trained facilliator is a good first step for someone who is feeling very low. It's normal to grieve, it's not a clinical depression. You need support, time, gentle care and small new activities to distract and engage.

In a severe loss, most people grieve for at least a year. Then they begin to get their bearings back after the first anniversary. This tendency to run to a therapist whose "trained" for a normal occurence is not a great idea at all and could actually do more harm than good if you can't really afford it, or dont' find the right person. I would never slam the helping professionals, but they vary so widely, that finding the right person is a task in itself and it's not warranted for someone who is 3 months into normal grief, facing the holidays.

There's some very strong, caring and experienced people on these boards and much of the insight and advice given to the OP has been excellent.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/10/2009 3:52:42 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		LaT I agree with what you are saying about a professional being best equipped to assist someone with depression however given that she only lost her brother about 3 months ago I would be wondering if this is still a part of the natural grief reaction and process. 

The sadness can ebb and flow and often increases during holidays (christmas especially is a buggar of a holiday for me as everyone is so damn happy and jolly but for me the anniversary of my brothers death is christmas day so I often just want to smack out some of those smiling faces even though I know this is irrational and totally my issue ha ha), anniversaries and birthdays.

TTDom, if she is isolating herself from everyone, has had significant changes in her appetite, is not looking after herself (showering, getting dressed each day, going to work or study etc) then I would definitely suggest she speak with someone.

As others have said, the most helpful things you can do are hold her, listen, let her cry, talk about her brother and be there for her.  It is natural that she may still be feeling sadness, I guess what you have to try and figure out is if this is sadness about the death of her brother or if she is slipping into depression.  If she has a history of depression I would definitely recommend she see her doctor or a counsellor.

My thoughts go out to her as I still remember just how difficult all of those 'firsts' were



< Message edited by wandersalone -- 12/10/2009 3:59:57 AM >

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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/10/2009 4:06:49 AM   
Lucienne


Posts: 1175
Joined: 9/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TTDom
I am at a loss as to what to actually do for her... does anyone have any advice?


Oh... I've got a boat-load of advice. With early and honest intervention, depression can be successfully treated in most cases. Seek professional help now, before her brain chemistry has a chance to get more whacked and what may have started out as a merely situational response turns into a more severe and permanent form of depression.

If you've got all the money in the world to spend, I'd recommend the following:

1. Send her to her M.D. Get a full work up blood panel. Check her thyroid. Check her Vitamin D level. Those last two are things that can contribute to listlessness. A Vitamin D deficiency, in particular, with the winter season,  can make a sad holiday worse. Fixing that is a simple matter of taking prescription strength supplements. (Trust me, you want the scrip, which can be 100x more than the OTC).

2. Send her to a psychiatrist. An M.D. can also prescribe anti-depressants, but a psychiatrist has a broader range of experience of which drugs work for which people. Study up on the differences between SSRIs and MAOIs, and the assorted side effects so you can monitor those and help her cope with them. She may not need drugs, or want to take them, but you should at least get a professional opinion on the available options.

3. Send her to a therapist. This can be tricky, because some people benefit more from "talk" or "insight" therapy and others benefit more from cognitive behavorial therapy. Support groups can also be helpful in this regard.

4. Most importantly, if at all physically possible, send her to the gym! Exercise is proven to be so helpful to depressed persons but it's one of the hardest things in the world for them to motivate themselves to do. I don't know what the parameters of your influence over her are, but if from your Dom position you can get her ass into a gym, you'll be doing something wonderful for her mental health.

Good luck!

(in reply to TTDom)
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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/10/2009 5:06:17 AM   
Drifa


Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onlyfreelycaged
as someone who's gone through this I would only change I'd make is don't let her wallow in it too long. a little bit is good thow.. helps to just get through some of it...


Whoa there! Our society wants people to be done with grief once the body is buried, but it takes different people different amounts of time. THREE YEARS is average for the grieving process. And holidays continue to be painful over time.

If your sub's depression is interfering with daily life and normal activities, take her to the doctor and both of you go in together and discuss the depression. There are lots of medications that do not stop the grief, but make it into something that doesn't defeat you.

Next, consider counseling. The physician can probably suggest counselors in your area. If not, call your local hospital and ask to speak to teh social worker. That person WILL be able to guide you to counselors in your community, including low-cost or sliding scale programs.

Third, look for grief support groups in your area. The hospital social worker and possibly the physician will be able to tell you where they are.

Last, don't try to stop the grieving. It needs to be processed through, people need to feel their feelings. It can't be shortened or shortchanged. Grief is normal, and only needs "treatment" when it's breaking your life.



(in reply to onlyfreelycaged)
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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/10/2009 6:09:55 AM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		Good morning TTDom
Be there for her is all you can do. Nothing will take her pain away at this time. She is still in her grieving period. When my brother died, the first year was  horrendous. I could not deal with it, because he was my twin, i was 19 and death doesnt happen to young people. Sadly though i new 5 people that died that year. bad year. The guy i was living with, just held me when I broke down and cried.

Try to keep her focus on small things, to help her get through the day. To get pass this pain, nothing but time helps. In the end, time will heal, she knows you are supportive and helping her to get through each day with tasks, and she will be out of this 'fog' that death leads us in.

blessings
wisdomtogive 

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RE: Depressed Submissive - 12/10/2009 7:01:34 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse


quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

quote:

ORIGINAL: aldompdx

Pay for counseling/therapy with a professional psychologist.

If you required a significant surgical procedure, would you ask people here how to perform it yourself?

That wasn't very fair... There are plenty of people on here (me being one) that have been through this, and can lend at the very least an understanding ear...but hopefully some useful advice




It may not have been worded prettily but it is good advice. Severe depression can not be cured by "I understand"s and "there there"s.

A professional is going to be the best equiped to help the person in question deal with their depression. Not a bunch of strangers on a BDSM forum board.

No it wasn't worded pretty, and yanno, it wouldn't have taken ANY MORE EFFORT to type it that way either. Someone has an honest question, not a troll, not a "hey look at me i'm new" post, and they get a flippant "go get counseling."  Of course if its SEVERE DEPRESSION he would seek professional help. To assume this is the ONLY thing that he is doing to get his s-type help is also not very fair.


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
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