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The Role of Cruelty in a D's Relationship - 12/11/2009 7:35:13 PM   
bdspirit


Posts: 30
Joined: 7/27/2009
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline 		In a recent conversation with my Domme, she asked me what role "cruelty" should play in our D's relationship.  A number of the stories and scenarios I  send her have an element of what she views as abject cruelty.  After giving it some thought, it seemed like there were probably as many ways to define cruelty as there are people to define it.  That said, it both interested me and kind of set me back a bit and I didn't have a great answer for her beyond my belief that at times, cruelty was necessary to insure there were consequences to poor behavior and that in some ways, it might reinforce my sense of submissiveness.  Even as I said it, I wasn't all that satisfied so thought I'd ask some of the more experienced Dommes to offer thoughts on how it is used (or misused) within the context of relationships with subs.

Many thanks,

Bound
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RE: The Role of Cruelty in a D's Relationship - 12/11/2009 7:51:51 PM   
DVsFox


Posts: 133
Joined: 11/12/2008
Status: offline 		There is no room for cruelty in my relationship with my Owner.  My love for her, not my fear of punishment, is my primary motivator within our relationship.

Just my two cents on the issue,
DV's Fox

(in reply to bdspirit)
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RE: The Role of Cruelty in a D's Relationship - 12/11/2009 8:32:19 PM   
Drifa


Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline 		What some people see as "cruel" I see as "delicious sensation play" that gets my endorphins pumping. Some people find verbal humiliation hot, others don't. The point being, I guess, is that cruelty is really in the eye of the beholder.

You mention cruelty in connection with what sounds like a punishment dynamic. How does that work? Where is "submission" if you can't submit and obey and instead have to be punished to obtain compliance? (I note the difference between FUNishment and punishment here.) Perhaps you could explain in short summary form what kind of actions would provoke the "cruelty" and how exactly you envision the cruelty causing you to act differently?

I can't imagine how abject cruelty would work in a relationship. Perhaps that's because my Lady is a black sash Tai Chi instructor while I have a brown belt in Tae Kwondo, and any "cruel and unusual" that wasn't consciously submitted to would likely end in one or both of us being really hurt. The most awful punishment for us is when she gives me THE LOOK, which says I have failed her and makes me feel lower than a worm's belly.



(in reply to DVsFox)
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RE: The Role of Cruelty in a D's Relationship - 12/11/2009 9:14:58 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I never try to be cruel, but a bit more than a few... lol... have felt I was being cruel when I was addressing a topic they were not ready to deal with and I had to give it to someone straight. If I had to go so far that they thought I was cruel, then it had gone passed discussion and became a very direct order or maybe an ultimatum of some sort, because they were not doing what was needed in the situation and other's were being effected.

I really do not believe that cruelty has a place in a relationship or even punishment if that is part of the relationship. It breaks things down rather than builds things up and if that is what is going on, I don't see things lasting or enduring.

I would rather use love to correct something, enforce something or build with. I do believe that love without disipline... accountablity and structure basically, is dysfunctional love whether it is parental love or something else. If I am not disiplined in my own life, I will be dysfunctional. So going from love, I try to work things so that no one ever feels that I am being cruel to them, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. Then my heart breaks over it because I find that a very sad situation. So I don't see cruelty as I understand it, to be worth anything in any relationship.

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RE: The Role of Cruelty in a D's Relationship - 12/11/2009 9:17:07 PM   
Ladynslave


Posts: 376
Joined: 7/30/2009
Status: offline 		Cruelty can come in all forms.  I only use denial of sex when Slave had done something extremely wrong.  Given what I know about him, it is the most cruel punishment I can dish out.  Granted, it has only been used once, but it was effective.  But then again, if I were to have a masochistic slave, what would seem like funishment to them would be cruelty in my book.  Just my 2 cents though.

Lady

(in reply to bdspirit)
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RE: The Role of Cruelty in a D's Relationship - 12/11/2009 9:51:27 PM   
AcademyForSlaves


Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline 		Hi.

We've met lots of subs that are into cruelty and I'd have to say it depends on the sub what's cruel and what's not. It's alot like humiliation. What some guys might think is really humiliating other guys might disagree. I think there's a difference between cruelty and being plain mean. I like being cruel in a way that's fun for both of us. It takes asking the sub about his likes and dislikes and get to know what'll turn him on. I don't want to turn him off or break his heart. It has to be fun or erotic.

Hope this helps.

_____________________________

Academy Mistresses
http://www.academyforslaves.com/home.html

(in reply to Ladynslave)
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RE: The Role of Cruelty in a D's Relationship - 12/11/2009 9:54:54 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		I think cruelty is open to interpretation.

Masochism enjoys cruelty. I think it becomes a matter of perspective. Some people are able to realign their perspective, or rather extend their general perspective about BDSM to cruelty: what might be a hostile act that one does not do to those one likes outside BDSM (flogging, humiliation, cruelty) instead becomes a positive relationship expression (it is done with those whom one has an appropriate social connection).

Cruelty within one's limits where one is secure that one is appreciated can be hot.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 12/11/2009 9:56:15 PM >

(in reply to AcademyForSlaves)
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RE: The Role of Cruelty in a D's Relationship - 12/11/2009 11:50:21 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I don't consider anything within the context of play to be cruel.  I'll call it sadism, humiliation, torture, and a lot of other things, but I don't call it cruel.

_____________________________

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to undergroundsea)
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RE: The Role of Cruelty in a D's Relationship - 12/12/2009 12:12:07 AM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		Cruelty has no place in my relationship with my slaveboy. Our relationship is based on mutual pleasure and fulfillment.

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(in reply to bdspirit)
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RE: The Role of Cruelty in a D's Relationship - 12/12/2009 6:43:59 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I don't consider anything within the context of play to be cruel. I'll call it sadism, humiliation, torture, and a lot of other things, but I don't call it cruel.



quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

Cruelty has no place in my relationship with my slaveboy. Our relationship is based on mutual pleasure and fulfillment.


I think these two smart women pretty much summed it up for me.

- LA


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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
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RE: The Role of Cruelty in a D's Relationship - 12/13/2009 8:53:53 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Carol and I don't "play" or enact "scenes". So that pretty much just leaves real life. And there is absolutely NO place for cruelty between me and the woman I cherish. We don't have "consequences to poor behavior". We have a woman who wants to submit and works hard at it, and a man who understands that sometimes she is less than perfect.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to bdspirit)
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