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julietsierra -> RE: Self respect and being a sub (12/22/2009 4:31:25 PM)
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Ktez8, I did not begin in this life by trying to find the right person. I first explored me. I looked closely at how I thought people should treat each other. I examined how I wanted to be treated and how I wanted to treat the person who might be important in my life. In doing this, I discovered that for me - at least in that moment of time (I didn't put limitations on me), submissiveness was what most closely aligned with what i was looking for.
Then, I explored the basic tenets of this life - AS I SAW THEM TO BE... I capitalize this because if you ask a group of people what those basic tenets are, you're going to get just as many answers as there are people - and all of them will be different. So, I explored the tenets that I thought were embodied in this life. Then, I did a lot of soul-searching to see if I could live up to and embrace those tenets without losing what was intrinsically "me" in the process. (this was important because at that time in my life, I was just coming off of a divorce in which I was trying to also discover exactly who I was. I didn't want to lose the little progress I'd made and more importantly, I recognized how easy it would be to go back to the same kind of person - so I had to make some solid decisions about what it was I wanted, and if I could find that in another person. An oh yes... I made a LOT of mistakes along the way, so dont be afraid to find out that what you THOUGHT you wanted doesn't turn out to be exactly what you really need. Each error in judgment comes with a learning experience and it's all good.
After that (sounds like a long drawn out process, doesn't it? Well, to say I was being cautious would definitely be an understatement, but this was all prep work for how I wanted to live the rest of my life, so it was worth it),., After that, I attended munches, and just got to know people. Back then, there werent all the public parties there are now, but eventually I was invited to one, then another and so on. I used those parties to watch and learn. I also made private judgments as to who I would feel comfortable with and who I wouldn't. These decisions were ALL based on what would work well FOR ME.
Eventually - like TWO years later - I took the plunge and went from books and observations to the physical. The process allowed me to get a handle on who I was, what I needed and more importantly, what I was looking for in someone else. These were all important decisions and processes.
Also during that time, and through my explorations, it became clear to me that I was indeed more comfortable on the submissive side of the fence. Once all this was in place, and I eventually met the person I would spend my first relationship with, I was more ready to take on the processes of submissiveness (as he saw them to be as well as I saw them to be).
What I learned was that this life is essentially - for all the giving that submissives do for their dominants - an inherently selfish life. We (submissives) are not here because someone said so. We're here because we CHOOSE to be here. We SUBMIT, not because we can't do the things our dominants do on our own, but because we CHOOSE to submit. This is, in and of itself, an extremely self-motivated process and as such, it is really up to us as to the level of self-respect we hold for ourselves.
From beginning to end, what we are doing is what we are choosing to do and that is a mark of self-respect. Our choices further enhance this self-respect. No one winds up under the carpet without placing themselves there, and so, what you are doing when you submit CAN be a very uplifting process - depending on how you approach it.
Trust in your judgment. Know you can walk away if need be. Develop a plan of action. (Mine was that I would try something three times. Once to break the ice (so to speak), twice to see if I liked it, and a third time to be sure. If after three times, I would put whatever it was on my hard limit list and that would be that. I included the actual process of submitting in that list of trying three times.
What I found was that there was very little that I didn't like, and that the biggest impediment to me in my submission did not come from the dominant. Rather, it came from my inability to open my mind. When I finally was able to open my mind to the possibilities without worrying about what it would mean about me, the world opened up to me.
If all else fails, think of it as trying a new food. It's not a reflection on who you are as a person if you don't like the new dish. It just means that the new dish isn't something you want to have again. The same is true with submission and how it relates to self-respect. Submitting isn't a reflection of your inability or an indication of your lack of self-respect. If you don't like it, that's just what you don't like..nothing more - nothing less.
Going this route, I eventually found someone I could respect and who would respect me. I've never been happier. We've been together now for 7 and a half years and I wouldn't change a thing. And through it all, my self- respect is intact - because the work was done by me for me - long before I went looking for someone to fill spaces I needed to fill on my own. Most importantly, I actually like myself - which isn't something I could have said at the beginning of all this.
Good luck
juliet
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