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inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you need? - 12/13/2009 6:50:22 PM

HisSweetElysium

Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
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I am curious, partially as a result of seeing the opposite post on the ask a master forum. How much dominance do you as a sub/slave need? Is it common that your desires for submission can sometimes grow beyond your Doms comfort/experience level? If these feelings come up, do you communicate them to your Dom, or try to redirect and come back around to serving him and focusing on that piece?

I'm very new to all of this, and it's hard to imagine, but I have seen posts on here about the changes in relationships after the "honeymoon" period is over. I have my own thoughts on this, but would like to hear from others.

_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

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RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/13/2009 7:07:32 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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My need for his dominance hasn't changed. I'm happier, less anxious in a relationship with a strong man who likes both the rights and the responsibilities.

As far as kink goes, both of us have periods where it wanes and then returns. We just hope we're in sync.

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(in reply to HisSweetElysium)

Post #: 2

RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/13/2009 7:11:35 PM

breatheasone

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Joined: 7/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

My need for his dominance hasn't changed. I'm happier, less anxious in a relationship with a strong man who likes both the rights and the responsibilities.

As far as kink goes, both of us have periods where it wanes and then returns. We just hope we're in sync.

i agree with you... i can live with the ebb and flow of kink...but doing without dominance could be rough.

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Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 3

RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/13/2009 7:19:13 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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I need as much as he's willing to give. I have never measured the level. He simply is a dominant personality. I don't ever feel like I need more or less. We seem to work in that way. I understand there are times when he is busy and doesn't have time for me. Life works like that. I still continue to be submissive to him though. I just don't need for him to always be bossing orders or always be continually checking in on me.

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 4

RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/13/2009 7:58:27 PM

S2

Posts: 54
Joined: 11/26/2009
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Personally, it is my desire that my Master take over complete control of my life, and do so with confidence and competence. That is how much dominance I need.

I do not know if it is common for the sub or slave's submission to out grow the Dom or Master's dominance, however, I can say two things from personal experience:
1. Usually it is obvious fairly quickly when a man is insufficiently dominant. For example, a reluctance to commit or take responsibility, overly eager to please etc.
2. I believe that dominance inspires submission, thus I would imagine that submissiveness would not grow faster than the dominance of the partner. Unless it is in the case of point 1, where the man's dominance cannot match the woman's submissiveness right from the start.

If I am to speculate, I would think that it is easier for dominance to out grow submission, as opposed to the other way around. It is easier to want more than the other is prepared to give, than to want to give more than the other is prepared to accept. Assuming of course you have a reasonably dominant man to begin with.

I also agree that relationships do change over time. Although, assuming it is a good match, I can only imagine it improves over time, as those involved becoming more intimate, and grow more comfortable in their place in the dynamic. The change after the "honey moon period", and I assume you are refering to a change for the worse, is probably the result of a poor match, or a relationship that was built on exaggerated, poorly communicated, or misplaced expectations.

In my case, I had many brief encounters where it was obvious early on that things will not work. The only relationship that persisted is my current one, and it have only been getting better and better in the years past.

I hope that have answered your question somewhat.

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 5

RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/13/2009 7:59:25 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
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When I have a Dominant, all the Dominance He is willing to give I will just "suck up." I love it.

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In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 6

RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/13/2009 8:04:35 PM

lucylucy

Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
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I need to submit, and I can't submit unless I'm being dominated. My relationship with my boyfriend is still pretty new--we've been together less than a year--so I'm still figuring out how much he wants to dominate. I recently asked him to give me guidance on something, by which I meant that I wanted him to take charge of it, and he did. If he hadn't, I'm not sure what I would have done . . . certainly I would have been disappointed.

One thing I've figured out--or am figuring out--is that submitting has layers to it. It's not as simple as doing as you're told. For example, my boyfriend has let me know that I should not bring up relationship issues for discussion that we've already discussed. It's easy to say, "OK," but it's a lot harder to actually think about whether something I want to bring up is a topic we've already discussed. It usually is . . . and then I have to figure out why I want to rehash it, which usually leads to me realizing I'm just being insecure and there is no significant reason to re-open the discussion.

I may have gotten off topic there. Sorry. My point was that what may appear sometimes to me to be pretty "light" dominating isn't really that "light" at all.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 7

RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/13/2009 8:44:07 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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quote:

...How much dominance do you as a sub/slave need?...

need?...probably very little, however, experiments with having absolutely none have produced less than desirable results, so this slave would wager that at least SOME is necessary.

want?...total, from someone who doesn't choose to be within the confines of a relationship, but is...and is comfortable with that.

quote:

...Is it common that your desires for submission can sometimes grow beyond your Doms comfort/experience level?...I have seen posts on here about the changes in relationships after the "honeymoon" period is over...

we have been at it for 7 years. so far, this slave's desire for us to submit to the experience of side-by-side "couples" massages has been the only thing He has voiced discomfort about. after this slave turned Him on to the Rasul chamber at the Canyon Ranch Spa...He warmed up to the idea of relaxing-at-the-Spa-with-a-nice-massage experience a bit more.

Before this relationship we were convinced that the relationship we enjoy now wasn't possible...couldn't exist...how could two people be so perfectly matched~such polar opposites? the stuff that only happens in romantic fiction, right? we proved ourselves wrong, especially when we said we'd never be able to justify marrying anyone else...after the disasterous marriages we had both been through.

the honeymoon for us hasn't ended...maybe because we don't put any energy into the expectation that it will...or maybe we are just blessed.

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)

Post #: 8

RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/13/2009 10:38:39 PM

WyldHrt

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Joined: 6/5/2008
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quote:

need?...probably very little, however, experiments with having absolutely none have produced less than desirable results, so this slave would wager that at least SOME is necessary.
want?...total, from someone who doesn't choose to be within the confines of a relationship, but is...and is comfortable with that.

This. Thanks for saving me the typing, beth

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(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 9

RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/14/2009 1:29:24 AM

lally2

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Joined: 4/16/2009
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i need for my Dominant to be who he is naturally and for that to ebb and flow according to what he feels he needs and desires at any particular moment.

people talk about down time or nilla moments but i dont see it like that to be honest. how do you switch off from being 'you'. even in downtime the relationship continues, maybe not in an overt way, but it ticks along, least thats how i see it and feel it. so i guess i cant be with a guy who switches from nilla to D. i just dont get that.

first time i went food shopping with an ex Master i kept scooting off, he'd turn around and find me gone. though we were in downtime and in a nilla setting he asked me not to do it. just being brought to heel in those times when youre head is somewhere else is all it needs.

im not much for being made to kneel in awkward positions for hours at a time, or be micromanaged. but i certainly have done in the past - but the micromanagement was punishment and i absolutely hated it.

im with the ebb and flow guys.

i havent read the other thread,might be interesting to compare the two

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to WyldHrt)

Post #: 10

RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/14/2009 2:57:27 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
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Relationships change there is no doubt about that... things happen...
the trick is to make the most of the changes, to grow stronger from experience
and to always cherish your love for eachother... unfortunately many people don't

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)

Post #: 11

RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/14/2009 4:11:23 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Hello Elysium,
A great idea for a thread!

How much dominance do you as a sub/slave need?

Need? Not much. I can do fine without any domination. I call that living my life. Do I soar when I am outside of a fulfilling and strong relationship? No, not really, but I do pretty darn well. However, in order to have this kind of relationship, FOR ME, I need someone who will absolutely take the reins or I will run roughshod over them. I need someone to say, "whoa, there darling! Slow down."

Is it common that your desires for submission can sometimes grow beyond your Doms comfort/experience level?

I don't know. Never saw any kind of empirical numbers on that. Anecdotally, I think that in the beginning it can be a difficult adjustment period when one is figuring out the very questions you are asking (from both sides of the kneel). It would be natural to go overboard for some people just to find out where they really are comfortable and where their comfort ends. That is true for me. I have been micromanaged and while a part of me loved it, I lost some beautiful and intelligent and capable part of me during that period. I lost my ability to feel good about myself because FOR ME my actions, my abilities, my decision making skills are tied into my self worth.

If these feelings come up, do you communicate them to your Dom, or try to redirect and come back around to serving him and focusing on that piece?

I communicate about EVERYTHING, and any man who would be with me wouldn't have it any other way. *Sometimes I think I must bore people to tears, but nope, I'm pretty fascinating. Or so I tell myself

.

I think the answer to your question is not an either or in my world. It is about finding the comfort zone between the people involved. There will be bumps along the way, and I think this is one of those bumps. There will be times when greater or lesser "domination" will be needed / available. I sure am not going to call him at work and say, what kind of toothpaste should I buy. heh.

best,
sunshine

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(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 12

RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/14/2009 4:26:02 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: HisSweetElysium

I am curious, partially as a result of seeing the opposite post on the ask a master forum. How much dominance do you as a sub/slave need? Is it common that your desires for submission can sometimes grow beyond your Doms comfort/experience level? If these feelings come up, do you communicate them to your Dom, or try to redirect and come back around to serving him and focusing on that piece?

I'm very new to all of this, and it's hard to imagine, but I have seen posts on here about the changes in relationships after the "honeymoon" period is over. I have my own thoughts on this, but would like to hear from others.

I don't *need* it at all .......I CHOSE it because it was clear that my life was enhanced hugely when one particular man was guiding it, so I asked him if he'd own me in totality. Since then he's had authority over my life for years.

I'm not submissive, so I don't have *submissive desires* and haven't ever thought about his *dominance*, let alone quantify it.

We appear to be very compatible people and the relationship between us is probably successful because of that rather than either of us having dommy or subby *feelings*. We just ARE. He IS the one that has authority, I AM the one that doesn't. There's nothing to *yearn* for.

There never was a honeymoon period, we weren't *in love* or diving in out of some desire for *dommy or subby* feelings to be satisfied.

There have been changes in our relationship and they get better and better. We were happy at the start, we liked each other a decade ago and everything that's occured since then has just fueled it.

He's got someone that never questions his authority and I've got someone that always has it. From there we just enjoy life and each other.

agirl

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)

Post #: 13

RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/14/2009 5:10:19 AM

Drifa

Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline

I don't know so much that's about "how much dominance" but rather "how much structure does a submissive need". Dominance isn't something you can measure with a yardstick.

But for me to be happy and comfortable, I have to have the safety of structure in my life. Some of that comes from little rituals that are sometimes kink related. Some of it comes from the regular expectations of my duties in the household. There's not always a lot of "flexing" the dominance to make these things happen - we both know what's expected of me.

My dominant is just dominant. She doesn't have to wrassle me to the ground then drag me off by my hair like a cavewoman to be dominant (not that this wouldn't be FUN, mind!) I do wonder if what some people are referring to as dominance isn't actually sadism maybe... I don't have to have impact play to feel her dominance, but it's a cherry on the sundae that I'd miss terribly if it wasn't there.

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 14

RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/14/2009 6:10:03 AM

sexyred1

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Joined: 8/9/2007
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I was married and my husband was not Dominant enough for me.

I then had a long term relationship where my boyfriend was too Dominant for me.

I still feel like Goldilocks searching for the right level of Dominance.

In the meantime, I manage my life and myself and try to grow and have fun.

(in reply to Drifa)

Post #: 15

RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/14/2009 6:31:59 AM

starshineowned

Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

Greetings..

I don't think I've really measured the amount of dominance one has or what I would need beyond just knowing that I needed a man. Sounds simple I suppose right up unto the point one has to answer what exactly is your idea of a man. A small measure of that for me was a person that did not "need" me in his life for anything but rather wanted me for his own enjoyment. That was important to me to find a man with a mindset that he did not "need" me because it also meant that he did not feel any need to make concessions or give in to me in order to keep the dynamic or make me happy or any other such things that females often end up getting their way through basically blackmail type antics. I do know in my mind that this equates to him being more dominant than myself.

In short it works out to his way or no way, and yes I do know where that door is because he himself will at times remind me. As time goes on though..that door location does become more distant..either that or he keeps moving it on me..(those sadistic minds). Maybe it isn't the door itself but rather me just knowing whats beyond it, and having almost a ill feeling of traveling beyond it.

starshine

_____________________________

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." --Abraham Lincoln

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)

Post #: 16

RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/14/2009 2:33:57 PM

alittleevil

Posts: 235
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline

Hello,

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisSweetElysium
I am curious, partially as a result of seeing the opposite post on the ask a master forum. How much dominance do you as a sub/slave need?

To *be* submissive? Very little, if you mean overt "acts" of BDSM-y dominance. To desire to serve and please? Almost none. To be compelled to obey and be malleable? Quite a lot, i'd guess. I'm with beth: what i need is simply someone who is a dominant personality and that doesn't change from day to day or activity to activity.

quote:

Is it common that your desires for submission can sometimes grow beyond your Doms comfort/experience level? If these feelings come up, do you communicate them to your Dom, or try to redirect and come back around to serving him and focusing on that piece?

I don't know if that's common. What i think is common is that what seems difficult, demanding and to require a great deal of overt submission today becomes what's normal tomorrow and can begin to feel like "not submission" at all. In that case, it is quite helpful to remember why one does even little things and focus on the "why" and not the "what." Now, if you're talking about a desire for certain kinds of BDSM activity, i'd say sure, ask. The worst the dominant can do is say "no."

quote:

I'm very new to all of this, and it's hard to imagine, but I have seen posts on here about the changes in relationships after the "honeymoon" period is over. I have my own thoughts on this, but would like to hear from others.

If you mean one partner sliding back to a more vanilla ways and means of conducting the relationship/power dynamic, then i think that's pretty common if the people in question were not fundamentally compatible in their degrees of need and desire for a D/s relationship.

Peace,
aj

_____________________________

Throw me to the wolves because there's order in the pack (RHCP)

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)

Post #: 17

RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/14/2009 3:58:29 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
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I need the amount my Master gives me. He has certain expections with me after 4 years i know more or less what is expected of me. We have a few rules that must always be followed if not i better have a damn good reason for not following them.

If Master wanted to micromanage me i would not like that. The other day i went out shopping with my friend, Master did not ask where i was going or what i would be buying and how much i would spend. If someone wanted to micromanage me i would not be in that relationship.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to alittleevil)

Post #: 18

RE: inspired by Master forum--How much Dominance do you... - 12/14/2009 5:51:10 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

My Sir doesn't micromanage me. He thinks it would be too much work on his part. hehe

On the other hand, he is dominant, and that doesn't go away. He lets me get away with as much as he allows, then i get a "look". And i know to shape up.

For me, our relationship is perfect.

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 19

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