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Advice needed please - 12/14/2009 1:51:17 PM   
serensubbie


Posts: 1
Joined: 2/12/2009
Status: offline 		I would like advice on how to raise an issue with my Master via email as due to the season we won't be able to meet face to face until mid January.

Some background so you have a full picture. We have been together for over a year and I am completely devoted to Him. Everything in the main is wonderful, he is everything and more than I could ever wish for.

We have been shopping together a few times and I know during these trips if I wanted anything he would buy it for me, I have never asked for anything on these trips as it isn't something I'm comfortable with. (not comfortable asking for things not uncomfortable shopping) Anyway former subbies of His have asked for lots of things when they went shopping with Him and He says to me "You're not a real girl" and whenever Ive raised this He says its a joke. However I see myself as very feminine and a girly girl so this cuts deep.

We went shopping last week and He said it again and it feels like he's said it too many times for it to be a joke and so I'd like advice on how I can raise this with Him in a respectful way without harming our relationship.
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RE: Advice needed please - 12/14/2009 1:58:27 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		You've raised it before and his answer is that it's a joke. 

Tell him that he says it so much that you wonder if he'd feel better if you did allow him to buy things for you.  If he says yes - then do it.  It's not a hard limit, is it?


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to serensubbie)
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RE: Advice needed please - 12/14/2009 2:06:24 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		:) you can always ask him to buy you sanitary products.  Men seem to love that.  Plus it will reinforce the idea that you are a girly girl

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 12/14/2009 2:07:11 PM >

(in reply to serensubbie)
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RE: Advice needed please - 12/14/2009 2:11:11 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

:) you can always ask him to buy you sanitary products.  Men seem to love that.  Plus it will reinforce the idea that you are a girly girl

oooo i really like this idea.


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

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RE: Advice needed please - 12/14/2009 2:13:23 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Do as DS said and bring it up as a conversation, there is something there that the two of you should straighten out. Then the next time you go shopping with him allow him to buy something for you that the two of you would enjoy like some sexy lingerie for you. That way you won't feel so guilty as it's kind of for both of you.

Some men show love in the way that they want to provide for their loved ones. My adult son told me once that it frustrated him that his Dad always 'threw' money at him but then he realized his Dad needed to do it to feel that he was taking care of him. My son now takes the money and puts it in the bank- situation solved for both parties. His Dad feels in charge and as though he is taking care of his son, my son does something with the money he knows his Dad would approve of. Win win.

(in reply to serensubbie)
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RE: Advice needed please - 12/14/2009 4:43:59 PM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: serensubbie

We went shopping last week and He said it again and it feels like he's said it too many times for it to be a joke and so I'd like advice on how I can raise this with Him in a respectful way without harming our relationship.

I think he likes you just the way you are. I think the "real girl" in that comment refers to a sterotype that is not altogether flattering, though it may be what he was used to before he met you. I think you amaze him a bit, and he likes you for it. On the other hand, if there is ever something that you really do want, tell him. I think he'll enjoy buying that one thing for you more than he ever enjoyed buying all the "lots of thing" his other subs "always" asked for, because he'll know that it means something to you.

K.

< Message edited by Kirata -- 12/14/2009 5:09:17 PM >

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RE: Advice needed please - 12/14/2009 5:05:48 PM   
Hierodule


Posts: 597
Joined: 9/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirata
I think he likes you just the way you are. I think the "real girl" in that comment refers to a sterotype that is not altogether flattering, thought it may be what he was used to before he met you. I think you amaze him a bit, and he likes you for it.


That's exactly what I was thinking. By all means, pick something out next time you go shopping. Something nice that will please him. But don't take the "real girl" thing to heart. I think he meant it as a compliment. Guys aren't always the best at expressing their feelings ;-)

(in reply to Kirata)
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RE: Advice needed please - 12/14/2009 5:30:32 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Look him in the eye next time he does it, tell him you are hurt and upset at him doing this again when he knows you find it offensive and not funny and ask to be taken home. Then tell him you need some alone time to think about why someone who claims to care for you prefers to hurt you repeatedly.

He may have meant it the first time as a joke but you have explained that it hurts you. So why does he do it? Ask him that.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Hierodule)
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RE: Advice needed please - 12/14/2009 6:30:46 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: serensubbie

I would like advice on how to raise an issue with my Master via email as due to the season we won't be able to meet face to face until mid January.

Some background so you have a full picture. We have been together for over a year and I am completely devoted to Him. Everything in the main is wonderful, he is everything and more than I could ever wish for.

We have been shopping together a few times and I know during these trips if I wanted anything he would buy it for me, I have never asked for anything on these trips as it isn't something I'm comfortable with. (not comfortable asking for things not uncomfortable shopping) Anyway former subbies of His have asked for lots of things when they went shopping with Him and He says to me "You're not a real girl" and whenever Ive raised this He says its a joke. However I see myself as very feminine and a girly girl so this cuts deep.

We went shopping last week and He said it again and it feels like he's said it too many times for it to be a joke and so I'd like advice on how I can raise this with Him in a respectful way without harming our relationship.


How about telling him the same way that you just told us? I'm curious why you think this would harm your relationship. Some people (not just men) will repeat something because they themselves find it amusing or silly. There are a great many girls who look for guys who will buy them whatever they want. I always would joke how I would love to find one of those, but always follow up with how I would never be comfortable in such a situation.

So simply explain to him that while you really love how he likes to purchase things for you, you were raised to be much more independent and even though it is so kind and generous of him to want to buy the things, it makes you feel like you are taking advantage of his generousity by accepting things. Then explain to him that you really don't understand or care for his comments that you aren't a "real" girl because you don't need him to shower you with material things. DO explain that it is a big enough problem for you that it is really causing you distress and ask if he could please refrain from doing so and instead relish in the fact that you love him for him and not for the material things that he can provide.

(in reply to serensubbie)
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RE: Advice needed please - 12/14/2009 6:44:48 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I have never asked for anything on these trips as it isn't something I'm comfortable with.


It is his money, you should have enough respect for him to let him spend it. You need to get comfortable fulfilling the desires others have, or not call yourself subbie. He is probably compensating because he has an existing relationship, so can't see you when he wants to. If you accept that, accept the compensation. The "real girl" stuff is BS, if shopping makes you a real girl, I am a real girl.

(in reply to serensubbie)
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RE: Advice needed please - 12/14/2009 7:57:05 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: serensubbie

I would like advice on how to raise an issue with my Master via email as due to the season we won't be able to meet face to face until mid January.

Some background so you have a full picture. We have been together for over a year and I am completely devoted to Him. Everything in the main is wonderful, he is everything and more than I could ever wish for.

We have been shopping together a few times and I know during these trips if I wanted anything he would buy it for me, I have never asked for anything on these trips as it isn't something I'm comfortable with. (not comfortable asking for things not uncomfortable shopping) Anyway former subbies of His have asked for lots of things when they went shopping with Him and He says to me "You're not a real girl" and whenever Ive raised this He says its a joke. However I see myself as very feminine and a girly girl so this cuts deep.

We went shopping last week and He said it again and it feels like he's said it too many times for it to be a joke and so I'd like advice on how I can raise this with Him in a respectful way without harming our relationship.


Sir, With all due respect, There is a serious issue I need to discuss with you, Would that be ok?

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to serensubbie)
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RE: Advice needed please - 12/14/2009 9:26:18 PM   
masterlink65


Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline 		he is the master, he can say whatever he wants. maybe its a test of patience, and guess who isnt doing too well with it. maybe that is why he has a large list of "subbies". maybe the slave should pout more. maybe master should beat more. maybe this,, could be that. maybe you are not playing the "real girl" he is looking for. its your job to know your master. its masters job to train it properly.

i dont see the big deal. i tell my slave all the time it is not a girl. even though all of my breeding attempts have failed.

(in reply to serensubbie)
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RE: Advice needed please - 12/15/2009 2:20:13 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirata


quote:

ORIGINAL: serensubbie

We went shopping last week and He said it again and it feels like he's said it too many times for it to be a joke and so I'd like advice on how I can raise this with Him in a respectful way without harming our relationship.

I think he likes you just the way you are. I think the "real girl" in that comment refers to a sterotype that is not altogether flattering, though it may be what he was used to before he met you. I think you amaze him a bit, and he likes you for it. On the other hand, if there is ever something that you really do want, tell him. I think he'll enjoy buying that one thing for you more than he ever enjoyed buying all the "lots of thing" his other subs "always" asked for, because he'll know that it means something to you.

K.


That's a rockin response!

I would add though, that we all need reassurance some times - and I think it's ok to ask for it sometimes, so maybe in a quiet snuggly moment (assuming you have them) you can just ask?

(in reply to Kirata)
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RE: Advice needed please - 12/15/2009 4:18:57 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

I have never asked for anything on these trips as it isn't something I'm comfortable with.


It is his money, you should have enough respect for him to let him spend it. You need to get comfortable fulfilling the desires others have, or not call yourself subbie. He is probably compensating because he has an existing relationship, so can't see you when he wants to. If you accept that, accept the compensation. The "real girl" stuff is BS, if shopping makes you a real girl, I am a real girl.



Or maybe he just likes to spend money on the woman he is with.  geesh.  Not everyone is a jerk, man.

To the OP: 

There are two issues here, serene, as I see it.

First there is the comment that hurts you.  Are you a little thin skinned about it?  Do you need to toughen up?  Or is it one of those few words that really make you shudder and get upset?  *Most people have a few words that will throw them over the edge.  The rest are just learned neuroses.  Which one is this for you? 

If it is something that really throws you over the edge, then by all means bring it up (cuddly moment - nice term ml).  But it is about YOU not him.  Sir, I feel ____(your feelings)  when you ________(his behavior).  Could you please_____ (new behavior)...   "Sir I feel truly hurt when you say I'm not a real girl because I don't want you to buy stuff for me.  Could you please not use that term?" 

Second, there is your defiance about this issue.  He clearly wants to do something and you are making it all about you and not letting him do what clearly brings him pleasure.  I know it is really hard to ask for something we want.  Maybe you aren't a "wanting" kind of girl.  I know I am not.  If a guy took me shopping, I'd be the same way.  "No, Sir, nothing here that I want you to buy for me."  It would be hard on me.  There are things you want though.  You just have to be brave enough to admit it and daring enough to tell him.  Just because it is difficult doesn't mean it is something you can't do.  He wants the pleasure of giving you something, seeing it in your home or on your body the next time he sees you.  Men enjoy this.  It is some sort of caretaking that has been ingrained in them as far as money goes.  Really great responses about that above!

Accepting a gift is a gracious thing that must be learned.  Come up with something you would like that would be about him.  Lingerie as mentioned above, but perhaps a bracelet?  a trip to the zoo with a stuffed animal as a gift?  a tshirt from an event you attend together?  A jar of pumpkin butter that you serve with his morning toast?  a puppy to cuddle with when he isn't there?  A visit to the "paint your own" shop where together you paint an ornament for your holiday decorating?  There are ways to compromise.

It becomes easier.  And when it is about both of you, it can be more of the ties that bind you together. 

Some people love giving gifts.  Let him give them.  Don't deny him his pleasure.

good luck,
sunshine (who quiveringly asked for a very expensive holiday gift that I REALLY really wanted- and was given it!)


*edited a million times cause I haven't had coffee

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 12/15/2009 4:40:33 AM >

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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RE: Advice needed please - 12/15/2009 6:28:33 AM   
Surrenderwithin


Posts: 368
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline 		Or perhaps you could just take him at his word and realize it is a joke. Fact is he is probably amazed that he found a girl who is not willing to take advantage of him and is thrilled with it. The joke probably amuses him and he says it in joy and some disbelief and relief...so believe him and let it go.

_____________________________

"There are 2 kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and to follow; the strength to control, and to yield. There are 2 kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked." - Yaldah Tovah
*15 Nz Pts*

(in reply to serensubbie)
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RE: Advice needed please - 12/15/2009 7:24:27 AM   
PrimalConsonance


Posts: 463
Joined: 7/11/2009
From: Southern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: serensubbie

I would like advice on how to raise an issue with my Master via email as due to the season we won't be able to meet face to face until mid January.

Some background so you have a full picture. We have been together for over a year and I am completely devoted to Him. Everything in the main is wonderful, he is everything and more than I could ever wish for.

We have been shopping together a few times and I know during these trips if I wanted anything he would buy it for me, I have never asked for anything on these trips as it isn't something I'm comfortable with. (not comfortable asking for things not uncomfortable shopping) Anyway former subbies of His have asked for lots of things when they went shopping with Him and He says to me "You're not a real girl" and whenever Ive raised this He says its a joke. However I see myself as very feminine and a girly girl so this cuts deep.

We went shopping last week and He said it again and it feels like he's said it too many times for it to be a joke and so I'd like advice on how I can raise this with Him in a respectful way without harming our relationship.


(CNJDom here:)  As it sounds, your Master equates asking for things and shopping as "being a girl".  Comparing you to his former submissives is a bit shallow to start with, but we are talking about a lack of sensitivity here.  The other element here is that this is his way of showing what he may feel as affection, but also the provider and someone receive things from with his good graces.  There is a communication problem between you two, but workable.  The main issue, is that you are unique to you, and not like a former submissive.  

You could have conversation where you may speak freely on some level, that you enjoy your time with Him, but feel a bit intimidated when confronted in asking or picking things out. And though you feel this way, not asking for things doesn't make you any less girly-girl.  Take a chance and have something that you feel you would like, and have him provide as he wants to.  You can then see how he reacts differently towards you.  You can either overlook how these comments upset you, or you can bring it up in that conversation.  In any case, this sort of thing is going to eat at you and possibly Him until it's resolved in a mutually respectful manner. 

You want to serve and be the best for your Master, and these comments helping.  Your Master could do well to recognize that providing an environment for you to achieve those goals, is one of his responsibilities...not just being "the boss of you".  In either case, let's hope you see a reduction in those backhanded comments soon. 




_____________________________

AKA: CNJDom (types in black) and roselaure (types in Red)


Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss


(in reply to serensubbie)
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RE: Advice needed please - 12/15/2009 11:02:12 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Maybe buying things is his "language of love" - it's how he expresses care for someone. 

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to PrimalConsonance)
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RE: Advice needed please - 12/15/2009 11:12:19 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:


We have been shopping together a few times and I know during these trips if I wanted anything he would buy it for me, I have never asked for anything on these trips as it isn't something I'm comfortable with. (not comfortable asking for things not uncomfortable shopping) Anyway former subbies of His have asked for lots of things when they went shopping with Him and He says to me "You're not a real girl" and whenever Ive raised this He says its a joke. However I see myself as very feminine and a girly girl so this cuts deep.

We went shopping last week and He said it again and it feels like he's said it too many times for it to be a joke and so I'd like advice on how I can raise this with Him in a respectful way without harming our relationship.
wow...i could sign my name to this post. I am the same way. Having someone buy anything for me, when i am there, causes a great deal of discomfort. I have actually been driven to tears in a jewelry store.

Receiving gifts on occasions such as Christmas, birthdays, etc is not something i enjoy. Ok....i hate that too, but there is not a whole lot i can do about it.

As to why i am like this? Hell...i don't know. Simply put, i am who i am and i am not going to change. I do not ask that anyone understand a trait i have that i myself do not understand. All i ask is that they respect it.


_____________________________

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RE: Advice needed please - 12/15/2009 11:27:42 AM   
BKSir


Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:


We have been shopping together a few times and I know during these trips if I wanted anything he would buy it for me, I have never asked for anything on these trips as it isn't something I'm comfortable with. (not comfortable asking for things not uncomfortable shopping) Anyway former subbies of His have asked for lots of things when they went shopping with Him and He says to me "You're not a real girl" and whenever Ive raised this He says its a joke. However I see myself as very feminine and a girly girl so this cuts deep.

We went shopping last week and He said it again and it feels like he's said it too many times for it to be a joke and so I'd like advice on how I can raise this with Him in a respectful way without harming our relationship.
wow...i could sign my name to this post. I am the same way. Having someone buy anything for me, when i am there, causes a great deal of discomfort. I have actually been driven to tears in a jewelry store.

Receiving gifts on occasions such as Christmas, birthdays, etc is not something i enjoy. Ok....i hate that too, but there is not a whole lot i can do about it.

As to why i am like this? Hell...i don't know. Simply put, i am who i am and i am not going to change. I do not ask that anyone understand a trait i have that i myself do not understand. All i ask is that they respect it.



LOL, you both sound like my pet.  One thing I think you may be discounting though, something I have to drum into my pet constantly is, some of us uber studly D-types love to spoil our subs.

A little advice for you then.  Go ahead and ask for things.  Not expensive things, as that makes you uncomfortable.  But little things.  Say he sees a $200 watch that he wants to get you, easy compromise there.  Find a cute $10 or 20 dollar watch that you like and tell him you much prefer the way it looks.  Or if he wants to buy you a pair of $70 shoes, tell him you saw some marvelous shoes, even better ones at payless the other day.   If he wants you to pick yourself out something nice that you really want, grab a bag of Oreo's.  They're like $3, and if he asks, tell him that's what you really want right now.  I mean really, who doesn't want Oreo's at any given time?

That way you're not feeling like a mooch or whatever, and at the same time you're still satisfying his desires (isn't that what a sub is for?) of getting you something sparkly and pretty.  It's a hunter/gatherer thing.  Some of us men-folk are still like that.  "Grog bring pretty cave-lady/cave-boy shiny rock!"


_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Advice needed please - 12/15/2009 11:31:17 AM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: serensubbie

Anyway former subbies of His have asked for lots of things when they went shopping with Him and He says to me "You're not a real girl" and whenever Ive raised this He says its a joke. However I see myself as very feminine and a girly girl so this cuts deep.




I am the same way about letting my boyfriend buy me things when we're shopping, so I can relate. The compromise I came up with that worked last time the situation came up is that I let him buy something for my daughter.

But . . . if you see yourself as very feminine and you are confident in that femininity, why would his comment "cut deep"? Perhaps you aren't as confident in your femininity as you think you are and that's why his comment bothers you. In that case, I don't think you need to raise the issue of his comment/joke, but rather of your lack of confidence in your femininity, and I would suggest raising the issue with yourself rather than with him. He's not making you feel less feminine--it's something you doubt about yourself.



_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to serensubbie)
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