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RE: I need help! - 12/17/2009 12:19:23 PM

Ladynslave

Posts: 376
Joined: 7/30/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: switchdub24

I can get no answers from my SO.
He doesn't like to talk about his desires or needs.
The problem now is, we have no sexual interaction at all.
I tolerate alot in our relationship and when I stop tolerating, he retaliates like a child. Nowadays, he only ever gets involved sexually if he is getting sexual gratification. I get nothing.
It's got to the point now that unless our sex life is completely revolving around role play, he refuses to entertain any type of sex.
He says the problem is that I need to lose some weight.

Based just on the above statements that I chose to pick out of the original post, what you are saying is that you are with a selfish ass that won't communicate other than to take pot shots at your self-esteem. What on earth could make up for that in the rest of your relationship? Personally, nothing could make up for that in my mind. It sounds more like you are trying to stay in it for whatever reason and fix something that only he can change knowing he is unwilling to change it. That isn't a BDSM relationship, it's a bad relationship. I would have told him long ago where the door is and to not let it hit him in the ass on the way out. But, I hope you find the answers you seek and end up in a nurturing and mutually beneficial relationship.

(in reply to switchdub24)

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Post #: 21

RE: I need help! - 12/29/2009 11:23:53 PM

AceOfKnaves

Posts: 39
Joined: 12/22/2009
Status: offline

What specifically do you find so absolutely alluring about this fellow in terms of your vanilla relationship? I mean, to me, enjoying vanilla activities together is a MUST that's more important than sexual play for a real relationship to work.HOWEVER, if there isn't any sex or even sexual INTEREST, as seems to be the case for you two, then it isn't much of a romantic relationship anymore. That doesn't mean either of you has failed; if you enjoy each others' company so much, just be friends.

Actually, maybe "friend zoning" him will make him realize what he's missing. You said you tried dating someone else who turned you off because he was DOMINANT. Find yourself a sub or a more considerate bedroom bottom. You'll find plenty on this fabulous site! =D

(in reply to Ladynslave)

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Post #: 22

RE: I need help! - 12/31/2009 8:37:20 AM

amaidiamond

Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline

I'm sorry your gpoing through this - he does sound very much like a selfish bedroom bottom - a "do me" type

(in reply to AceOfKnaves)

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Post #: 23

RE: I need help! - 12/31/2009 9:44:20 AM

LadyCimarron

Posts: 625
Joined: 12/29/2009
Status: offline

You need to sit down and have a frank discussion about your relationship and what you both want and need. If its really all about weight then I would say he's not really into this relationship at all. At least not for the right reasons. There is more meat to this story but since he's not communicating and telling you his desires or needs, you can't really know what his real problem is.
You really should cease all D/s activities until you both resolve the bigger issues in your relationship. And if he doesn't want to work this out, why should you stick it out?

(in reply to switchdub24)

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Post #: 24

RE: I need help! - 12/31/2009 10:29:04 AM

Drifa

Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyCimarron

You need to sit down and have a frank discussion about your relationship and what you both want and need. If its really all about weight then I would say he's not really into this relationship at all. At least not for the right reasons. There is more meat to this story but since he's not communicating and telling you his desires or needs, you can't really know what his real problem is.
You really should cease all D/s activities until you both resolve the bigger issues in your relationship. And if he doesn't want to work this out, why should you stick it out?

Excellent advice.

You also need to decide whether you want to even try to save the relationship. If you do, not only do the two of you need to start communicating better, you should probably consider marriage counseling -- if possible with a kink-friendly counselor.

To find kink-friendly counselors, Google BDSM and the name of your city, then look for groups that hold munches. They usually have an email contact somewhere, and you can ask them if they or their group can recommend any in your area. But any counselor is better than no counselor... in a marriage-under-pressure situation, you really sometimes need an outside referee.

(in reply to LadyCimarron)

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Post #: 25