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julietsierra -> RE: sub proving herself (12/19/2009 6:51:25 PM)
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Well, nitpicking over whether a dominant is a dominant at a first meet or not aside, I'm going to take a stab at the whole "rules" thing.
Rules for myself:
- trust in my judgment
- be open to the possibiilties
- be true to myself
- be honest
- be polite
- be careful
Rules for the dominant
(these were the rules within MY mind of things he needed to do/not do. No, the dominants I used to meet were not informed of them. I wanted to know who they were and what they were like, not how well they manipulated themselves and the day/night to appear to conform to what I said I wanted. They rarely included BDSM limits and boundaries. They rarely had ANYTHING to do with any facet of BDSM. They were more "expectations of behavior" than they were "rules" per se.)
- treat wait staff courteously (my view was that if they couldn't treat the wait staff with courtesy, then chances were that 6 months down the road, they'd be treating me in a similar fashion)
- If you have a point of view, be able to discuss it without pulling the "I'm the dominant and that's the way it is" card (if they were going to pull that the FIRST time we met, I could pretty much be assured that my views would never be given any credence whatsoever, and well, that's not a good thing for me.)
- Use your ears and mouth in relation to what you have of both. (this meant listen as well as talk, but in moderation for both)
- Handle silence well
- When making a decision, make a darn decision and "I don't know... what do YOU want to do" does NOT constitute a decision. (if I could talk them out of what they wanted, then chances were it would continue and being in charge of the relationship was NOT something I ever wanted to do. However, I needed to know about the dominant I was meeting, so I often created situations where this was challenged.)
- Do not treat me like an imbecile. I'm not and absolutely the quickest way to find me walking out the door is to presume - or act as if I am.
- Asking "What are you thinking" ad nauseum would also find me running to the door. We were conversing. That in and of itself presumed that I WAS telling them what I thought. Asking "what are you thinking" just meant they weren't listening, didn't know how to carry on a conversation - or worse - they didn't know how to discuss anything beyond "what are the size of your tits." and that was a sure fire way to make sure I wasn't interested.
- Chew with a closed mouth
- and it's correlation "chewed food belongs INSIDE the mouth." (does this even need explaining?)
- any use of the word "retarded" (as in "that's retarded" or "he/she is such a retard") would see me only only heading for the door but more than likely letting them know precisely just what I thought of their level of maturity, etc.
- do not use groups of people as scapegoats for what you believe is unfair in your life.
- any derogatory comments or allusions to how easy the folks in my career field have it and how we don't "deserve" ... (you fill in the blank).... would have me walking away as well. (I didn't want to spend my time with someone constantly trying to justify what I do for a living - this was a holdover from my marriage but what the heck. My view was that if I was going to "tie" myself to one person, it sure wasn't going to be someone who could not respect for what I do for a living.)
I'm sure people will call me on any and all of these, but they were things I was looking for when meeting new people. What I did NOT want was a two day/two week relationship. I did not believe in compromise - either by the dominants I was meeting or by me. What I wanted was the right fit - with both of us being honest and both of us getting what we wanted. I just did not see any other way of ascertaining this without these "rules" in place. All the BDSM preferences, boundaries, limitatioms, needs and desires came after all the other stuff was met.
juliet
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