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finding who we are. - 12/16/2009 2:46:19 AM

jasheria

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Joined: 11/17/2009
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We are new and have been talking to each other about our desires and what role we are. I am certain that I am a sub . My husband seems to be dominant . He says however what really turns him on is to know he is pleasing a female by bringing her to orgasm and making her happy. He states he usually does not think about himself at all and that his orgasm is not what is the priority. He feels that this may be submissive behavior. I just wondered what everyone else thought. He only wants to give me pain etc because I want it not because he is enjoying it or gets turned on by it. He also likes for me to bite him and he enjoys some pain also. What if we are both submissive? He says though he can not picture himself being totally submissive with a female and I really want to be with a male dominant and he only allows me to play with him and females as far as our vanilla marriage boundaries go.

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RE: finding who we are. - 12/16/2009 3:11:34 AM

DarkSteven

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From reading your post, it sounds like your husband is in control in bed. He says what he wants, and you do it.

The bit where you say that you really want to be with a male Dominant bothers me. If we all say that he IS a D type, will that make you happy? Labels are cheap. Note that he is also specifying who you can play with and you're accepting it - that speaks more to me than which activities he happens to like in bed.

He's been very open about himself and his desires - have you told him that you would like him to take a greater degree of control in bed? Maybe some times he could beat you harder than you would like in a punishment roleplay?

You didn't mention if he is in control outside the bedroom as well. The not-in-bed control will help reinforce any roles you have in bed.

It sounds to me like you have healthy communication. Keep it up, and don't get hung up on labels. Find out what works for both of you, and do it.

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RE: finding who we are. - 12/16/2009 3:24:40 AM

LadyPact

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I couldn't agree more with Steven on this one. What I mean is, if it's working for you as a couple, does what you call it really matter that much?

OK. So, if he's only giving you pain because you enjoy it, great! You have yourself a service top. There's not a thing wrong with that if you're liking it and he's willing to do it. Also, it sounds as though he is a considerate lover. Another big bonus because he cares about your sexual happiness.

If the situation is that you are not permitted to play with other males, there's a simple solution. Find yourself a female who would agree to top you. Heck, maybe she'll top both of you and you'll both get the fun out of bottoming.

Seriously, it sounds to Me like you've got a pretty good thing going there. Do some talking with each other if you want to try to make it even better. Who is labeled what isn't all that important.

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RE: finding who we are. - 12/16/2009 3:34:18 AM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
If the situation is that you are not permitted to play with other males, there's a simple solution. Find yourself a female who would agree to top you. Heck, maybe she'll top both of you and you'll both get the fun out of bottoming.

Another possible solution - have him BECOME another man. Roleplay!

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: finding who we are. - 12/16/2009 4:24:43 AM

jasheria

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wow all of this advice really helps alot. :) All I meant by saying that I want a male dominant is that he has encouraged me to try a female dominant and I really wanted him ( my husband) . But I have really been considering it. I do really feel lucky to have him. Great communication and he is very in tune to my needs. I am just asking all these questions to try to figure out where we go from here in playing in the bedroom . I guess like you said I should not worry about roles and just go with what we want at any given time. I just thought that if he is submissive I would want him to explore that side of him but I would not be able to help him with it. There are so many things to learn. Like LadyPact saying service top. I didnt even know to look at it that way. I like the sound of that :) As far as who dominates our everyday life its really both of us we always have a meeting of minds and find a compromise if there is a conflict. We both talk to each other about decisions we make from smallest to largest. As far as this lifestyle. I am the one on the internet, posting, looking up info and coming up with ideas. He just listens .I don't want to do all of that though. I want him to do that.

< Message edited by jasheria -- 12/16/2009 4:30:58 AM >

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RE: finding who we are. - 12/16/2009 5:57:56 AM

dreamerdreaming

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Fast reply:
(No time to read the thread right now)

He's service domming you, which is lovely if it is fulfilling for you both. Sounds like it isn't quite fulfilling for you, though. If you are bi, maybe he would enjoy you both serving a domme. He does sound like he has some definite submissive leanings, which he might like to explore and then once he gets those needs filled, maybe he'll be more into domming you.

*edited for typo

< Message edited by dreamerdreaming -- 12/16/2009 5:59:11 AM >

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RE: finding who we are. - 12/16/2009 6:22:40 AM

Drifa

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If you need to have labels, have you considered that maybe one or both of you is a switch?

On the other hand, I am DEFINITELY a submissive, but I can "service top" when required. Remember that sadomasochism isn't the same thing as dominance/submission... a person who is dominant in the relationship may enjoy a little pain play in bed on the receiving end without giving up their dominance.

Given my druthers, I'd be trussed up like a chicken and being flogged most any time, but my Lady has other ideas, lol. Something about housework and real life and getting things done and doing footrubs has to come in there before I get the funishment part!

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