abused dommes

abused dommes (Full Version)

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bibiswitch -> abused dommes (12/17/2009 6:22:28 AM)
hello do you think the percentage of dommes with history of been abused (either emotionally or sexually, etc) is bigger, smaller of equal to the percentage of female submissives with history of been abused? or maybe it is irrelevant? and why?

DarkSteven -> RE: abused dommes (12/17/2009 6:33:23 AM)
The stat itself is irrelevant. However, I would be a bit concerned about a D type (male or female) who came from a background of being abused. It is imperative that a Top keep a clear head during a scene and someone who might have triggers while in charge....

OttersSwim -> RE: abused dommes (12/17/2009 7:20:25 AM)
Most of us have things in our past that have affected us deeply - some positive, some negative. What is important during the evaluation process is to determine what the person in question has done to deal with any negative history of abuse or other dark stuff they may have gone through - via counseling, or deep processing with friends/lovers, etc. One thing about kink is that it sort of forces most into a period of self-examination - something I think is very healthy. We all have baggage. What is important is to understand what is in your baggage, and have had sorted through it enough to discard what you can, and live with the "history", not the "effect" of the rest.

LaTigresse -> RE: abused dommes (12/17/2009 7:27:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven The stat itself is irrelevant. However, I would be a bit concerned about a D type (male or female) who came from a background of being abused. It is imperative that a Top keep a clear head during a scene and someone who might have triggers while in charge.... Given that more people have experienced some form of abuse than not, I think it would be pretty impossible to think that a D or M type would be less reliable if they had experienced it. I would be more concerned with how they've dealt with that past and whether or not they allow it to negatively impact their relationships in the present time. There is also the possibility that if they had an s type that had also suffered similarly, they would be better able to understand any left over baggage it caused and deal with it positively.

LadyPact -> RE: abused dommes (12/17/2009 8:54:36 AM)
I tend to agree with you, LaT. As for which group may have potentially had more abuse in the past than the other, there isn't really any way to say. Not any more than if a group who preferred hopscotch when young skinned their knee more often than those who preferred jumping rope. Folks interested in WIITWD are just like any other section of society when it comes to any variable X that you would like to throw in there. You'll find that some were abused at one point and some that had such a pleasant Leave It To Beaver kind of upbringing that would make your head spin. It wouldn't make any difference if you asked two other groups of people, such as those who were raised Catholic as compared to those who are Jewish. While a type of composite study might be able to be achieved on the matter, say 100 Dominant women and 100 submissive women, the results would be frail at best. Using the next two groups of 100 a piece, you may get an entirely different conclusion than you did the first time. There are just too many of us to ever poll us all to get a definitive one.

AcademyForSlaves -> RE: abused dommes (12/18/2009 9:22:52 PM)
Hi. Good question. I think it's a mix. Some female subs might be into being sub and humiliated because they were abused and they incorrectly relate it to love, and some female doms might have been abused and they turn the tables and fight back by taking control over their lives and their relationships with men. I wasn't abused and found this lifestyle by accident and I love it, but some of the Mistresses I've worked with had been abused by men and this lifestyle was how they over came it. Nothing wrong with that. Every one uses a different technique to gain empowerment. I know lots of Mistresses who love bdsm and they were never abused by men. It's really not one way or the other. Like I said it's a real mix of every one. Hope this helps.

allthatjaz -> RE: abused dommes (12/19/2009 5:09:31 AM)
I agree with what Otter said. Us humans are emotional beings that pick up baggage on our way through life. Abuse comes in many forms and what was devastating for one person may of been water off a ducks back to another. I heard one Domme tell me her story and thinking 'wow how can she call something so minor abuse?' and then realizing that what I was considering as minor to me, had actually effected many years of her life and is still effecting her to this day. I have another Domme friend who went through possibly the most extreme thing one could imagine and yet she has refused to let any of it effect her and has used it in at least one instance I know about to help a submissive with abuse issues. Living with a dark past does not have to be negative so long as the person has dealt with it or is dealing with it.

Lockit -> RE: abused dommes (12/19/2009 9:56:19 AM)
I do encourage understanding our 'self' and others... but sometimes we reach far too far in doing so and actually don't make sense. Trying to find a reason for everything can become a problem. Rather than finding all the reasons or considering many things, people get stuck on a comfortable answer to them and then move forward thinking it is and always is... the reason. How many times have we heard... she is dominant because she is angry with men because of abuse? How many times have we heard she is submissive because of abuse and how it whittled down her self esteem? Bull shit, pat answers that don't fit what really happens with people and in life. Are there some that are dominant and beat on men because they are angry or someone is submissive because they have been abused? Yes... but by far... people are dominant or submissive charactor's from birth on. You can see in lil people these charactoristic's that life has it's way with and you get an adult made up of the sum of all things. (Hopefully an adult that refines themself and learns to balance things out and simply deal with what is.) It would be real easy to find something to blame for how people naturally are, but I wouldn't count on that being a sound foundation that explains it all. Boxing yourself or others in, in this context is a huge mistake and is an emotional lie that will manifest in other area's, limiting what joy might be found out there. Because something might seem to be what happened with some people and their reason for being as they are and taking that as a truth will keep you from other's that might look similar to that person and you may just be seeing something that isn't there and not benefiting from what really is there. If you need to explain dominance or submission... I would suggest taking a look at animals and the animal kingdom where it isn't seen as an emotional dysfunction that there is a leader of the pack. We humans are animals... some more than others'... lol... maybe evolved animals... but still animals. Find the beauty in dominance and submission and stop trying to explain it all with distasteful, emotional dysfunctions. Then you can see the beauty of people and what they do rather than the ugly, only.

UrMyboi -> RE: abused dommes (12/19/2009 11:31:12 AM)
We all have "baggage", it all depends; is yours carry on, or do you need a truck to haul it? Everyone can say they've been verbally or emotionally abused, just depends on your perspective.

slavekal -> RE: abused dommes (12/21/2009 8:38:09 AM)
Interesting question. I wouldn't dare hazard a guess, but I would love to know the results of such a study.

PeonForHer -> RE: abused dommes (12/21/2009 10:22:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bibiswitch hello do you think the percentage of dommes with history of been abused (either emotionally or sexually, etc) is bigger, smaller of equal to the percentage of female submissives with history of been abused? or maybe it is irrelevant? and why? I've heard it said that D types have often been abused in some way when younger. I'd be very suspicious of building anything upon that mere rumour without hard evidence, though - it smacks far too much to me of a desire in the vanilla world to explain something that it sees as an 'aberration' and which it'd like to pathologise. We've all been here before - gays and lesbians, it was once commonly imagined, must have had some awful trauma in their childhoods that made them 'ill in the head' . . . But even if there is evidence that D types are more likely to have been abused than vanillas (or subs) - what is really crucial is the causal connection. It'd be foolhardy to conclude that childhood abuse makes someone a D type. For instance, it seems equally (if not more) plausible to me that a D type might get abused because she or he is a D type. Maybe a pertinent question re that latter hypothesis is: are D-type children 'difficult' children? The sort of children that weak parents and other adults find too 'challenging'? Now, that'd be something I'd be interested in finding out about.

AquaticSub -> RE: abused dommes (12/21/2009 10:39:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven The stat itself is irrelevant. However, I would be a bit concerned about a D type (male or female) who came from a background of being abused. It is imperative that a Top keep a clear head during a scene and someone who might have triggers while in charge.... Given that more people have experienced some form of abuse than not, I think it would be pretty impossible to think that a D or M type would be less reliable if they had experienced it. I would be more concerned with how they've dealt with that past and whether or not they allow it to negatively impact their relationships in the present time. Agreed. The last figures I saw, which may have changed, is that 1 in 4 women have dealt with some sort of abuse. I'd say it's much more likely to be relatively evenly spread than for us to see any difference worth noting in groups.

LadyAngelika -> RE: abused dommes (12/21/2009 3:11:07 PM)
quote: Maybe a pertinent question re that latter hypothesis is: are D-type children 'difficult' children? The sort of children that weak parents and other adults find too 'challenging'? Now, that'd be something I'd be interested in finding out about. My dad would say a resounding yes! ;-) Then again, he never abused me. - LA

SomethingCatchy -> RE: abused dommes (12/21/2009 4:24:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven The stat itself is irrelevant. However, I would be a bit concerned about a D type (male or female) who came from a background of being abused. It is imperative that a Top keep a clear head during a scene and someone who might have triggers while in charge.... Me choking someone and us both having fun is completely different than someone else choking me and me having a flashback of the same thing happening as a kid and going berserk on them.

LadyPact -> RE: abused dommes (12/21/2009 5:37:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer Maybe a pertinent question re that latter hypothesis is: are D-type children 'difficult' children? The sort of children that weak parents and other adults find too 'challenging'? Now, that'd be something I'd be interested in finding out about. Actually, My mother always used to comment on how easy she always found it to raise Me. I have always been very responsibility driven, just like I am now.

PeonForHer -> RE: abused dommes (12/21/2009 6:54:17 PM)
LP, I don't know if you have the expression, your side of the pond, "proper little madam"? I've no idea why that phrase just suddenly popped into my head. No idea at all.

LadyPact -> RE: abused dommes (12/21/2009 8:28:14 PM)
LOL. Actually, it isn't a popular expression here, but I want to thank you for sharing it with Me. I always enjoy hearing about the differences in cultures.

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