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RE: improving submission - 12/19/2009 7:46:53 AM

windchymes

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Increase bandwidth and download speed?

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RE: improving submission - 12/19/2009 9:34:40 AM

osf

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im more than willing to spell out what i expect/want

im not a mind reader nor do i expect her to be

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RE: improving submission - 12/19/2009 9:41:03 AM

osf

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another thought

if he doesnt spell out what he wants maybe its because he has problems/doubts about what he wants and trying to find out if you share his desires

another reason , he may have questions about her reaction

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RE: improving submission - 12/19/2009 4:05:37 PM

toxichearts

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I do just about everything he asks unless i am not able to do it at the time (like if i am at work or school). I have tried to get a more specific response but have (odviously) failed. I am not a mind reader but i feel like he expects me to know how to answer this question. Needless to say, i am groping around in the dark looking for the light. We live about 3 hours away from each other and have been trying on-line and if that works on of us would move and have a realtionship. I am just really lost with what he wants from me right now.

I thank everyone who has responded i wasn't trying to be that vague and i apologize if you thought i was a waste of you time.

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RE: improving submission - 12/19/2009 4:08:20 PM

osf

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if you have this problem online do you think it'll go away in person?

i have no idea but its something to think about

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RE: improving submission - 12/19/2009 5:40:48 PM

lucylucy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: toxichearts

I was given a task to figure out how to improve my submission to my Dom.

quote:

ORIGINAL: toxichearts

I have tried to get a more specific response but have (odviously) failed. I am not a mind reader but i feel like he expects me to know how to answer this question. Needless to say, i am groping around in the dark looking for the light.

Based on what you've said (above), it seems to me that the only way to "improve your submission" is to learn how to communicate with your Dom better--and if that can't be done, perhaps the two of you are not a good match.

Have you asked him directly, "What can I do to improve my submission?" If that doesn't net anything specific, you could try, "What are three specific things you'd like me to improve upon?"

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RE: improving submission - 12/19/2009 5:44:51 PM

sunshinemiss

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Hello toxic hearts,

You said: We live about 3 hours away from each other and have been trying on-line

There are a number of people who will not understand this or who aren't interested in this kind of relationship. You may want to consider whether this will work for you. I have ceratinly done "online" submission - due to complex circumstances, and I can tell you that it is exceedingly difficult even in the best of circumstances. If you are new to this, and you are doing it, you may be the at the attention of an HNG (horny net geek). These guys tell you all kinds of things just to get their own jollies. If you have not met him, you are under no obligation to submit to him, to cam for him (you didn't say either way about this), to do anything he tells you. The fact that he wants YOU to figure out better ways to submit suggests that he doesn't know what he is doing. There is nothing wrong with that, per se, but it does put you in a difficult position. You can not master yourself. Let me say that again... You cannot master yourself.

The difference between online and real life is that some people are able to integrate mastery without the physical presence of another person, but this is *in my experience* pretty rare. It is a huge struggle that requires tremendous work by the people. Most people who practice some kind of "online" either are "playing at D/s" or they are physically separated from someone they are involved with, real time. (Someone who is off on a 2 month business trip and away from home for example).

You might want to re-evaluate this relationship. Three hours is really not that far. It's quite doable. Have you met? If you have not, you need to. A whole lot of questions will be answered. If he hems and haws about meeting, then I'd be verrrrrrrrrrry wary of him. I think a three hour distance is really easy (me the girl who gets involved with guys on other continents.. heh). One of you can go to the other on Sat morning, spend a couple hours together once of twice a month. You need to get together in person... You know... DATE. And see if it would work. That's what normal people do. That's what kinky people do, too.

Listen to Aunty Sunshine here and get thee out from behind the computer screen and have a date. And when you are with him, ask yourself this... Do I respect him? Does he make me want to follow his commands? Does he even GIVE commands? Does he make my hoo hoo go woo hoo? Is his life in order? Do you like the way he manages his own life? Do you trust him to manage yours or parts of yours? Once you do that and answer those questions, then come back and ask us this same question.

good luck,
sunshine

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RE: improving submission - 12/19/2009 5:48:35 PM

alittleevil

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quote:

ORIGINAL: toxichearts
I was given a task to figure out how to improve my submission to my Dom. I have tried to think of different things but i am just not coming up with anything. It is also difficult because we live some distance away from each other. I would really appreciate the help!

Hello,

Improve your submission or improve your service? Or obedience? Service and/or obedience are a lot easier to break down into bits that could be improved. If you could provide more information, it would be helpful.

Peace,
aj

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RE: improving submission - 12/19/2009 5:51:21 PM

osf

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i keep reading all this advice she is getting when in reality if what is presented is factual, it is he that needs advice

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RE: improving submission - 12/19/2009 7:01:28 PM

elleX

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to my humble opinion ,
i would say that He have to show You the path about improving Your submission to Him, how to please him more ,
but about been more willing to please Him is something else ,, to my point of view ,,
elle X

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RE: improving submission - 12/20/2009 5:44:20 AM

thishereboi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

i keep reading all this advice she is getting when in reality if what is presented is factual, it is he that needs advice

Good point. Maybe she could trot him by this thread and have him read it.

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RE: improving submission - 12/20/2009 3:07:46 PM

HisSweetElysium

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I have a bit of a different perspective than some here. This may or may not work in an online situation, but I sometimes do things without being asked, as a gesture of my submission. If He likes it, He tells me. If He doesn't, He tells me. Either way, He is pleased that I wish to express my submission.

For example, one night when retiring to bed, I had the overwhelming desire to kneel next to the bed, and wait for Him to invite me to join Him. It is something I love to do in the context of our relationship, it humbles me, and when He accepts it, puts me in "my place" emotionally. He was extremely touched by this gesture, and now, unless we are in the middle of sexiness already that has led us to bed and this action would interrupt us, I do this for Him. Since then, He has given me standing permission to kneel and prostrate myself whenever I desire to do so, not just when He orders it.

So basically He accepted my desire, and built upon it to make it His own. I don't think there's anything wrong with offering submission in these ways, though perhaps some Masters might disagree.

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RE: improving submission - 12/20/2009 7:20:31 PM

OnlyMaster4u

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I must say that I agree with the overall them of let this one go. The purpose of the Dom is to instruct and guide not assign you a task without direction and hope for the best.
Move on. You will be better for the experience of leaving and trying again.

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RE: improving submission - 12/21/2009 6:53:07 AM

osf

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quote:

The purpose of the Dom is to instruct and guide not assign you a task without direction and hope for the best.

i would say thats just a tool a good dominant uses to attain his wants i wouldnt say thats his purpose

sounds too much as though he is serving the subbie

you all define good lol

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RE: improving submission - 12/26/2009 12:02:13 AM

SirTaskMaster1

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Tell him that the only way you can improve your submission is to know and understand his exact definition of submission. you can't improve what you do not know. Everyone has their own biases when it comes to definitions. That is usually the cause of most misunderstandings. If you want to become an Olympic whatever, you have to know about the sport you will participate in before you can practice it, no?

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RE: improving submission - 12/26/2009 9:41:29 AM

Acer49

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quote:

ORIGINAL: toxichearts

I was given a task to figure out how to improve my submission to my Dom. I have tried to think of different things but i am just not coming up with anything. It is also difficult because we live some distance away from each other. I would really appreciate the help!

Do you have a problem your submission?
This is a question you need to discuss with your dominant. If he/she doesn't know, what makes you think anyone else would?

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RE: improving submission - 12/26/2009 2:12:12 PM

LittleKittenSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

i have found that having the responsibility of "improving my submission" has led me into a negative cycle of guessing what he wants, trying, failing (by my or by his definition), and then back to guessing again. This is not a healthy way to submit.

The healthiest Domination for me is when he directs exactly what he wants from me, and if i veer from that path, he brings me back onto it. He sets me up to succeed, no matter what - if i don't do what he wants, he corrects me until i am doing what he wants, and he continues to be pleased as long as i am engaged with him and the act of pleasing him. And that is a positive cycle, a very positive one.

As others have suggested, i suggest an open conversation with him about what exactly he would like improvement from you on, and what that would look like to him once you've improved. And then do that. But he needs to be actively engaged, otherwise you're just going to continue spinning.

my best,
julie

I had several years of guessing. I was too excited, then I didn't smile enough. I didn't tease, and then I was in trouble for it. He wanted me to be more creative, but didn't like my ideas. All I wanted to do was please him, but never could. He has released me, and yet I am still devastated.

However, his assignment to her might be for the purpose of having her look inside of herself. I don't mean to be difficult, but it is hard to judge the assignment without his side.

< Message edited by LittleKittenSub -- 12/26/2009 2:15:43 PM >

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RE: improving submission - 12/27/2009 10:25:42 PM

RealSub58

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quote:

ORIGINAL: toxichearts

thanx,

I have been scratching my head since he had me star this task. I have been doing everything that he has asked me so far hence why i am way passed the confused point. But i thought i would at least try.

iF HE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU A CLUE AS TO WHAT THE 2 OF YOU ARE TO CONSIDER submission, THEN YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT YOUR ANSWERS ARE (SORRY ABOUT the caps) and if not, then you need to come up with a working idea of what submission is for both of you.

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RE: improving submission - 12/27/2009 10:30:48 PM

tsatske

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I would suggest a submissive support group, either real time or email, where you can become close to other submissives and solicit their help and advice when things are tough or as you grow. You will also hear things they do that will make you think, and then you can go to him and ask, 'can we do something like this?' If you identify as a slave, I can recomend one or two, but the ones I belong to limit their membership to those that identify as a slave. Not sure I would so limit it, but i don't own the group, and I do love the groups and the women there, so ::shrugg::

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RE: improving submission - 12/28/2009 6:33:16 AM

Falkenstein

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quote:

ORIGINAL: toxichearts

I was given a task to figure out how to improve my submission to my Dom. I have tried to think of different things but i am just not coming up with anything. It is also difficult because we live some distance away from each other. I would really appreciate the help!

Instead of ranting about how bad you dom is, let us see what you can do in praxis.

Actually, it is quite a good exercise you dom gave to you, because it allows you to find out how much you know about him and gives you the occasion of telling him want you want to do, what your fantasms are etc.
This is a great opportunity for both of you to stake out what you relationship will contain and what not.
One major caveat: Do not put into your lists something you would really not like, because either he will use it to enforce it upon you ("Slave, you suggested electrical play...") or he will feel deceived when he comes with it and you say that it is a hard limit after all. Leave things open to discussions and always uses terms as generic as possible, if necessary precising with an example, so that he can hear what he wants.

A last warning, it is a common -- and lowly -- management trick to ask the employee what he thinks he is doing wrong. It disarm any defense argument or excuse. If you think your dom is trying to trick you that way: Dump the asshole. I read in your profile that you are sub only in the bedroom, maybe he wants you to aknowledge that you should be submissive outside of it...

As primer for your brainstorm, think of his hobbies, drinking and eating habits, TV shows, habits, mannierisms...
Perouse all his past mails to you. A last good source: which stories did he read from the BDSM library or the mind control stories archive?

When you have finished your list with proposal, : Put an introduction thanking him for the exercise, that you are ashamed not to know enough of him to find easily things that will please him, If it is some of behaviour that he want you to change (and that you are willing to change!) ask him for his help, with a practical suggestion, Present your findings in the flowery speak of the slave "Would my Master like me... Sir, would I please you if..."
The best would be if you could present the result of your findings, for example naked and kneeling in front of him, after having served his preffered drink...

I will assume that your relationship involves both long distance and F2F and that both of you are not in a dorm but can have some privacy in the bedroom and in front of the computer.

In general,
Do you show enough apparent submission? Would he like you to speak girlie slave speak? Are you always obeying? Accepting punishments without complains (maybe he wants you to protest)
Wearing certain clothes (or being nude)

In the bedroom,
think of what he likes in terms of sex and especially tried and that you have not done /accepted:
For example oral/anal sex: tell him you want to be trained in it so you may satisfy him with any of your orifices...
Bondage or orgasm control (that you will always ask him before cumming)
Do you like sex in the morning? If not, this is another skill you can learn, and improve.
In the morning, would he like you to wake up first, make the coffee and wake him with your mouth around his sex?
Outside the bedroom:
When you are together, would he care for you to wear some implement, like a remote controlled dildo? or no panties...
Would he like you to bring him his beer on a small sign of his hand or change the TV program to his preffered one whenever he enters the room?
How do you address him, how do you refer to yourself "I", this slave etc.
Away from him:
Would he like you to ask for permission to play with yourself and climax.Would you do it in front of a camera

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