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The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 5:00:02 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I am posting this for a student of Mine.. hopefully as always it will illicit some thought starters--

Scenario: you are a new submissive---realized after many years of a personal struggle with this thing you once thought was a "demon"--now you are ready to embrace the world--or a Dom/me at least--you have spent your life "in control"---protecting and shielding (is that a word?) your soul, your life, your heart--now you have a Dom/me in your life who has the potential to be very good for you--but the tug of war inside of you rages--

Submissives, how do you-- day by day begin to let go--begin to "turn it over"--begin to embrace your desires? Begin to let the Master be the Master?

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 3/18/2006 5:23:21 AM >

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 5:59:36 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		I'm not your target audience for this question but I have helped a few girls over this particular 'bump in the road' over the years. They will no doubt have other pieces of valuble advice but mine would be ....

Don't try to do it alone. You can and should look to your Dom to help, it isn't a burden on him it is part of the work he should be putting in the get the girl he wants, part of the 'training' if you want to see it that way. Comunicate openly and honestly, the one thing he can't do is read your mind, so he can't help you with a problem if he doesn't know about it.

As always, the advice is IMO and from my perspective, the way *I* do things and other folks milage may vary!

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 6:18:06 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Raven, Your insight and advice is very valuable, we have here on the boards talked of trust--but that doesn't open the flood gates of that total "letting go"--I know that boy has trusted his body to a Domme or two along the way, but he did not feel he could start to let go until he met Me---I gave him that feeling of safety----to reveal who he is and to feel he can start to let go--

I do believe as you that it takes the Dom/me working with the submissive as well, but the Dom/me needs to know--we are far from mindreaders--

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 6:30:31 AM   
fyreredsub


Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline 		thank you MHOO....i think you hit on it totally...the keu word is safety.

i know if i feel safe(no insecuritites w/in the dynamic M/s)...
i am totally willing to be led by the hand and taken whereever it is Master would wish for me to go.
w/out that safety... there is not enough trust to just let go and follow.

only analogy i can think of is standing at the edge of a cliff and jumping...
knowing you will be caught and not fall and get hurt.

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 6:59:44 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

Raven, Your insight and advice is very valuable, we have here on the boards talked of trust--but that doesn't open the flood gates of that total "letting go"--I know that boy has trusted his body to a Domme or two along the way, but he did not feel he could start to let go until he met Me---I gave him that feeling of safety----to reveal who he is and to feel he can start to let go--

I do believe as you that it takes the Dom/me working with the submissive as well, but the Dom/me needs to know--we are far from mindreaders--


Quite. But trust doesn't happen overnight. People can carry through the actions of trusting... but intil those actions have been carried through and ended the right way, as fyre says, till they have jumped off that cliff a few times and you have caught them like you said you would, then it isn't really 'trust' in the full sense of the word, it is rather them "Taking a risk"

Once they DO trust you, there is nothing left to get over, there is no risk in jumping off the cliff because they KNOW you will catch them!

If a girl lets me know that the leap seems too big, too daunting then maybe I can find a few smaller steps for her to take that will help build some of that trust that she needs to 'risk' the bigger jump. When I push her to take the bigger jump and catch her. Gathering her into my arms and letting her feel safe within them, feeling good about herself for having pushed herself past the risk and into the certainty of real trust.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 7:16:24 AM   
sweetnessforsir


Posts: 70
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline 		This is a fairly regular struggle for me . . . . as Your student has probably also been trained by mainstream that the only safe place is the place we find behind constructed walls preventing "them" from seeing into who we really are inside.

There are Doms who have helped me tear down the walls with some of the methods discussed by RavenMuse. It is about a gentle pushing of boundaries. Once the progress can be made, the level of care need not be so high . . . but in the beginning, it does take time and effort.

For me, it is not fair to put the entire responsibility of my feeling safe on the Dominant's shoulders. It is a shared responsibility. If something is happening that frightens me, my Dominant deserves to understand it better. Sometimes, it may be decideded that the fear will be dealt with at a later time.

What it required of me is to move beyond the fear and trust this Dom is not going to be harmful, even if others have been harmful in the past. It helps to have a Dominant who understands that it is a major leap to step outside of the walls, but it can only be done by me (or in this case, Your student).

All of that said, if there is not a sense of safety with a Dominant---there will be no engagement from my side. It is a good sign for me that the Dominant involved is not a good match for me. So, it seems that Your boy has plowed through the first phase of building trust with You.

s.

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 7:48:00 AM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		It is, as RavenMuse has said, a matter of working together. But there comes a time when the submissive/slave needs to pry their own fingers away from whatever control they are hanging on to.
Small steps are helpful in this process, at least they were for me. DG calls them 'tours'. He would say, "Today will be a 2 hour tour of serving your Dom." The fact I knew it was time limited made it seem less daunting to me. After, the knowledge that I had pleased him and the feeling of satisfaction in doing so, cemented my desire to submit to him.



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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 7:58:02 AM   
fyreredsub


Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline 		that is an issue that will be upcoming for me when i walk with another again.
the control i hang onto.....
for me it is going to be difficult b/c of what i just went thro.
i have to stop and remember just b/c someone did me dirty doesn't mean all or another will.
but finding out towards the end that master knew full well another was trying to hurt me and he did nothing to stop it..well all i can say is ,having had a master that says he will protect you and doesnt....well
shoot, that keeps those walls in place and now i find myself skittish and nervous around a master that makes my belly burn.....
thank you MHOO for posting the topic,at least now i am just able to realize why i have been feeling so awkard lately.

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"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 8:45:31 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		For me it was a little different i knew almost as soon as i met my Master (after many calls) that i could trust him. It was just something i could tell when i looked into his eyes. Now maybe people will think i was taking a big risk trusting him so soon but i just knew.

It turns out my feelings were right on target. every time i "jumped off the cliff" he was right there to catch me.

I agree with the others though trust is they key.

Matt's littleone

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 12:01:38 PM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

I am posting this for a student of Mine.. hopefully as always it will illicit some thought starters--

Scenario: you are a new submissive---realized after many years of a personal struggle with this thing you once thought was a "demon"--now you are ready to embrace the world--or a Dom/me at least--you have spent your life "in control"---protecting and shielding (is that a word?) your soul, your life, your heart--now you have a Dom/me in your life who has the potential to be very good for you--but the tug of war inside of you rages--

Submissives, how do you-- day by day begin to let go--begin to "turn it over"--begin to embrace your desires? Begin to let the Master be the Master?


I think making the decision that you are going to do it and committing yourself to it is a good start. Of course this depends on how much the committment matters to the person, but assuming it does, going through the process of deciding and then committing should hopefully help them actually let go.

C~

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 12:23:04 PM   
starymists


Posts: 139
Joined: 2/1/2006
Status: offline 		I think for me, the battle for control happens on two levels at the same time.

The first level is personal and internal. I don't struggle against my Dominant. I struggle against myself. My notions of how life should look - my preconcieved notions, values and beliefs. That internal struggle is a primary focus and factor. I have to take a look at where the struggle is coming from. What belief/set of beliefs, which values, which notions am I tripping over. Certainly, being a submissive is not politically correct in the community nor was it accepted in my family. I was raised to be an independent woman. That being said, I've always had a desire to please and serve. And my family wasn't overly accepting of that and did all they could to force me into a different place. I also lost a former Master to cancer. Having had the experience of handing control over only to find myself back in a place where I was forced to take control back and rely on myself further complicates letting it go again. So in my relationships, I have to be aware that I will struggle against giving over control. I also have to be in a place where I can give my partner/Dominant that information of where the struggles are and there are times, even now, when I have to remind him that there are things I have to work through that has nothing to do with him.

The second level is the level of intimacy and/or trust in the relationship. Handing over any control requires some trust and some communication. And I usually start with small things in the beginning of a relationship. Wanna pick my next hair color, hair cut, clothing to an event? Demonstrating that you can handle the small stuff is where the trust building starts for me. It also requires me to give feedback to my Dominant. Handing over trust also requires communication prior to submission, at least for me in the beginning of a relationship. Over time, as the communication and trust develops, it doesn't become easier *per se* for me to hand over control. Yes, there is more trust, but the things I am handing over are larger, more important and have more power to cause long term damage if it's handled wrong.

When I find myself struggling over a point of control, my first step is to journal in an attempt to figure out if I am struggling with trust or if I am struggling with my own internal stuff or some combination of the two. Once I have a clearer picture, I talk to my mentors, I talk to my Dominant, and then the picture usually becomes crystal clear. I can't get over my internal stuff all by myself. I cant take the trust steps all by myself. Some of it comes from the people *friends, mentors, Dominant* that I am involved with. But it has to be a balance as its not the total responsibility of my Dominant, my friends or my mentors to keep me in a good place. Rather, I think its a partnership that blends the resources I have at my disposal.

Hope that helps!!!

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 12:58:36 PM   
nslut4whtmaster


Posts: 40
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		As You have said here and some of the other posters to this thread it is a process that must be done with safety and security. i too had a problem with "letting go" it took time for me to get to a point where i felt it was safe for me to do this with my Master. There was a lot of internal fighting within myself and some struggling i did with the Master. None of which, He allowed me to get away with. i did things like constantly testing His authority and rules, i did these things out of a need to feel secure within the dynamics of the D/s relationship. His responses to my actions provided reassurance to me. i am not saying that this is the way to do things because i truly wanted to serve. After, i went through my own process of letting go, i was able to do so. Sometimes the sub/slave has to do their part, they need the little checks and balances, they need to test before they let go.

ns

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 2:02:18 PM   
fyreredsub


Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline 		i can relate to this,when i first came to WIITWD, i was a Domme. then i found Gor and it called to me strongly and in evaluating my days topping i knew my sub was teachng me to top him(so that made me the submissive one and he the dom if you truly examine it).with my first Master i fought my belly and brain against the societal cognitive schemas that my environment had given me.i acted a brat and it was not tolerated.altho he does still guide me when i come to him with questions or issues regarding the lifestyle,in the best manner he can,
now the second Master i had was a different story, i gave all of me immediately b/c i was so ready to serve, only to find out all along nothing was what was said to me, was what was happening. his former slave sent me their instant messenger logs to show me how badly he had been lying to me from day 1.and he chose to lie about the lies and well hell all the bs finally fell into place and i got hit with it bigtime.
so now trust seems to be a thing for me and i can only say that i still wish to serve a Master but i do not know if i could be owned and collared without alot of time and trust being built.
i have no qualms with certain limits being pushed during service as having been kajira trained well, you do not get the luxory, so to speak, of being allowed limits.
yet there is much i haven't done as i still in so many ways feel 'cherry".....so i know trust is definately going to be a factor....
i can only hope i find someone understanding that will take the time to allow intimate exploration in a safe manner.
which i guess is what so many of us have to deal with in WIITWD.bottom line, we all seem to be saying , trust is the key to feeling safe enough to have the envelope pushed further.
being able to tell a master what is going on within us as a sub/slave/bottom and keeping communication open.
hiding behind walls does no good for anyone involved.

< Message edited by fyreredsub -- 3/18/2006 2:07:36 PM >

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 4:55:59 PM   
Sirandlittle1


Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		I must feel safe to let go, and consistantly catching me as i jump, has instilled trust. Constant evidence that my/our best interests are paramount, instilled trust and faith.
Letting go was difficult for me, and has been a gradual slow process, as has his taking over the reigns. From bedroom only, to time ltd D/s to our now 24/7 scenario.

Prior to this person, id never submitted before. I had topped. So this was completely new experience. I knew instantly, i was on the right path of my journey with my new play partner. Who has since become my loving Dominant. Someone who has proven with his consistency, over a protracted length of time (18 months), that my trust is well placed.

This is the first person in my life that i have trusted. My childhood was less than easy, so not even parental figures could be trusted. He had to work very hard to gain that in me, equally hard was my struggle to let go to him.
The rewards have been an amazing journey so far, with a connectedness id never of achieved outside a D/s framework. I had to have that in place, to let go.

littleone

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 5:23:38 PM   
jennalynn


Posts: 67
Joined: 3/17/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Submissives, how do you-- day by day begin to let go--begin to "turn it over"--begin to embrace your desires? Begin to let the Master be the Master?


With His patience and guidance. By really listening, really looking into myself and what my needs truly are.......but in the end it was within His guidance that i embraced the real me.

jenna

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 6:57:47 PM   
Firmmaster4u


Posts: 31
Joined: 8/25/2005
Status: offline 		i wondewr who is more luckier him or you i use to have a woman who felt that way towards me but i lost her to a master she no longer felt she could love me the way she loved her master he made her feel complete like i could not ml

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 7:39:48 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Submissives, how do you-- day by day begin to let go--begin to "turn it over"--begin to embrace your desires? Begin to let the Master be the Master?


What an interesting question. i have mentioned in a previous post about how in the first couple of months with my Master, i had my eye on the "exit sign." i was extremely skittish and insecure when he found me; in very poor emotional shape. The initial thought of letting go made me think about standing on the edge of a cliff, and needing to jump, knowing he would be there to catch me and keep me from falling to my death. When i was finally able to do that, he took ownership of me.

But that was only the beginning. i had issues, let me tell ya! i could not let go of my baggage. It goes back to that comfortable cycle of dysfunction and not wanting to leave what you know, even if it is bad, because at least you KNOW it. It took a year and a half into our relationship before i fully let go, and by that i mean all barriers are gone, all baggage is gone, and i am fully and completely exposed to him. Until then, we progressed together at growing and developing the depth of my submission to him. i say he brought me to this place; he says it was a team effort. He says he guided me but i did the work. It took a lot of hard work, deep self exploration, and knowing without a doubt he was safe. The levels of myself that i have exposed to us both could not have been explored without trusting without a doubt that anything i showed him was safe.

We did this by the way he guided me, and my willingness to follow along. He pushed me very hard, but almost always brought me to a soft landing. Some landings had to be hard, but he never let me crash.

Re: Letting the Master be the Master...He was always the Master, but i had a pattern of stumbling every time i reached a new level of submission. i would somehow panic (usually subconsciously) and try to grab control back, if just for a moment. Naturally, he never allowed it and there were consequences, but we would explore why i did that so we would understand it. The pattern was that each of those "panic" incidents were always followed by an intense deepening of my submission to him, and the time between panics became further and further apart. When he felt i was ready for it, put me through an exercise that was extremely intense and nearly unbearable, which sealed for good my deepened "baggage-less" submission, bringing me to finally, fully "let go."

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 11:27:12 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		I think a lot of its the Dominants responsibility in the initial set-up of the D/s relationship.

Like what have you got when you first start a D/s relationship...one Dominant personality and one submissive personality that is willing to submit given the right atmosphere?

The Dominant should create situations, even really really small ones where the submissive or slave is put in a position of having to "let go" and give over to them. At the end of each situation, the submissive should be able to feel safe and have the sense that their submission has been taken in a controlled disciplined manner and feel they have been really pleasing to their Dominant. I think the Dominant should set-up repercussions for non adherance or even non ability to peform as directed or for the times the slave has a problem letting go..to set up a pattern there. As these created situations continue the submissive or slave should be able to feel a consistancy, which is another thing for me that helps me submit. As time goes on, those created situations should become more challenging for the slave.

Really think the initial set-up is so very important.

Screw this up and your gonna end up with one slack-ass or fearful to submit slave. *grin* its kinda like puppy training hey, you can always tell when a dog has been well trained by its Owner *grin* Its happy and eager to please *grin* Well ok, some breeds would be amazing anyways but hey.

P.S. I edited this about a thousand times...and why does it say I'm replying to ownedgirlie in the bottom right, this is just a general reply. *grin*

< Message edited by slavejali -- 3/18/2006 11:35:44 PM >

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 11:36:41 PM   
doubleLeo


Posts: 50
Joined: 11/26/2004
Status: offline 		Doesnt that all depend on the submissives feelings of fufillment? Perhaps for a submissive the act of "letting go" is fufillment.. and so, the more they submit, the happier they become. The trust builds, and so on..

Some submissives seem only too happy to "give it all over", others perhaps not so easily. I think it depends on the intimacy levels of the ones involved- words and action without meaning, are meaningless. Certainly a submissive act can be percieved as important or as irrelivant as the people choose to see them or are feeling them.

On a real practical, one-sided view, I think the Dom has to be reliable reliable reliable. If He says a thing, then he should mean a thing. A dom who is not serious will find seriousness lacking in their submissive. At the same time, it negates any sort of trust that can springboard further growth.

I would hope that any sort of "letting go" would happen quite naturally :-)
dL

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RE: The Art of "Letting Go"... - 3/18/2006 11:49:06 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		You make a great point, slavejali...the Dominant, in my opinion, creates the environment in which the submissive feels safe enough to let go.

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