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New Year Help: Impossible Dream? - 12/21/2009 8:25:54 AM   
subfoxx


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		Right - 2010 - a new year. Time to look forward and be positive. Tired of being single and looking for a boyfriend. So I'd welcome helpful suggestions for this problem: -

I am pretty vanilla (see my profile) but would like to find a man who is dominant in bed - but at a fairly low level.  I don't really want anyone too extreme.

To be honest, most of CM personals really scare me!! I'm also really private and wouldn't want a partner who felt comfortable posting photographs of themselves naked or having sex with others on the internet - or even publicly identifying themselves as BDSM.  And a lot of the sexual interests are too far out for me - electrical play, cages etc. (Just to be clear I'm not judging anyone - it's fine if you are comfortable with it but its not for me).

There are a few more vanilla types on CM but it seems it is mostly men who are MUCH more extreme. So CM doesn't really seem the right place to look for me.

Equally, standard dating sites don't seem the right place to look either - because that it the total other end of the spectrum.

Are there any sites that are somewhere in between vanilla land and extreme BDSM? Or does anyone have any  other suggestions? It seems to me that it is virtually impossible to find what I am looking for except by looking in real life and by chance happening upon someone who's sexual interests co-incide and managing to work that out. . .

Is it all hopeless?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: New Year Help: Impossible Dream? - 12/21/2009 8:53:38 AM   
afterforever


Posts: 315
Joined: 6/12/2008
From: Belfast, NI
Status: offline 		So you just want a little light bondage and S&M in the bedroom? I don't see how hard that could be, I could go to any club in town, pick up a 'nilla man and convince him that it'll be really hot to tie me up and spank me. Of course I'm young, and young men tend to agree to most things to get laid, so YMMV. I don't do that because I want more than the bedroom stuff, but it seems to me that finding a bit of kink in the bedroom would be the easy part, it's the D/s that's hard to find.

(in reply to subfoxx)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: New Year Help: Impossible Dream? - 12/21/2009 8:57:04 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		~Fast Reply~

Find a guy you like. Take him to adult store and pick up the "Vanilla bondage kit" - these are real and come in the shape of a pint of ice cream or make your own with some silk sashes, an eye mask and a feather. Honestly, I'm having trouble seeing how you are finding this too - I know vanilla guys who would trade their left nut for a girl that is tamer than me but still willing to experiment in the bed.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to afterforever)
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RE: New Year Help: Impossible Dream? - 12/21/2009 9:04:07 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

...Is it all hopeless?...


 in no way is this slave saying they don't exist, but this slave has never met a man who wished for his dominance to begin and end in the bedroom.  on some level, it seems to carry over to at least a few, if not many other aspects of life outside of the bedroom...and not necessarily to the extreme.
 
every man this slave has gotten to know who wanted a conventionally styled relationship with a specific bedroom dynamic only either want to be the only submissive/bottom in the room or wanted both to take turns switching between top/bottom.

(in reply to subfoxx)
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RE: New Year Help: Impossible Dream? - 12/21/2009 9:30:56 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		I don't think online is your best way of searching for a partner.  Yes, some do find partners here.  However I'd bet most found their partner elsewhere. 

Your friends probably have friends who have friends who are looking also.  Use your networking skills to locate people who are also looking.  Taking a nighttime college class is a good way to meet some people.  Joining a local singles club could lead you to some wonderful bachelors.  If you are involved with your church, a bible study class could be just what you need.  Does your town have a theater group?  If you aren't interested in acting you might be great at doing scenery or props.  Have fun while you meet new people.  Join an exercise group.  There are lots of ways to meet new people.  Those new people can introduce you to other people and your network grows.  Eventually you should meet someone who is compatible.  Anyway, that's how we did things before the internet and it worked rather well.  One of the best parts of all this is that you'll actually know the person's real name and marital status when you meet.  That is so unlike meeting someone from the internet who may or may not be what or whom they say they are.  

(in reply to subfoxx)
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RE: New Year Help: Impossible Dream? - 12/21/2009 9:35:02 AM   
subfoxx


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		>>>So you just want a little light bondage and S&M in the bedroom? I don't see how hard that could be

No it's  bit more than that! Definitely more off the vanilla piste that a little light bondage but not super extreme. The sort of stuff if you asked a vanilla man he would be put off/shocked unless he was of a dom inclination.


(in reply to peppermint)
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RE: New Year Help: Impossible Dream? - 12/21/2009 9:40:32 AM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		Honestly i never found it that hard to find vanilla men who were interested in Dom stuff.  More are interested than you might think - they just don't advertise it because they're afraid of scaring YOU off.

When i dated vanilla and met men off of Match.com, i'd just casually mention during a date that i enjoy being spanked, and then see what happened.  Generally their eyebrows went up, and the conversation developed from there into more specific other activities to try.  i can only think of one guy who wasn't interested.  Most of them got a LOT more interested in me after i mentioned it, hee hee!

If you're being open and honest and authentic, it's a pretty simple conversation.  Sounds to me like you're more afraid of being judged for what you enjoy than anything else.


< Message edited by UniqueRaven -- 12/21/2009 9:41:11 AM >

(in reply to subfoxx)
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RE: New Year Help: Impossible Dream? - 12/21/2009 9:41:21 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

...Is it all hopeless?...


 in no way is this slave saying they don't exist, but this slave has never met a man who wished for his dominance to begin and end in the bedroom.  on some level, it seems to carry over to at least a few, if not many other aspects of life outside of the bedroom...and not necessarily to the extreme.
 
every man this slave has gotten to know who wanted a conventionally styled relationship with a specific bedroom dynamic only either want to be the only submissive/bottom in the room or wanted both to take turns switching between top/bottom.


I have. But they kinda tend to strike me as guys who have had it beaten into them that dominanting women is wrong.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: New Year Help: Impossible Dream? - 12/21/2009 9:45:38 AM   
subfoxx


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		Raven
>>>Sounds to me like you're more afraid of being judged for what you enjoy than anything else

yep! I'd agree with this entirely.

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: New Year Help: Impossible Dream? - 12/21/2009 10:02:49 AM   
EbonyWood


Posts: 2044
Joined: 7/8/2005
Status: offline 		Be at my place on New Years Eve. Wear whatever you want, it wont be staying on for long.
 
I will hold back my extreme tendencies and give you let's say 24 hours of 'low key' domination.
 
When you get home think about if what you just had was just what you wanted.
 
Meanwhile 20 of my friends (yes guys talk) will be insanely jealous.
 
Hint - the clue is in the last line.
 
There are guys out there who want exactly what you do. Go and meet them. You might have to drop the first clue, but these are non extreme guys right? They won't be as assertive about their tastes as many in here. Good luck!

(in reply to subfoxx)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: New Year Help: Impossible Dream? - 12/21/2009 10:10:19 AM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subfoxx

Raven
>>>Sounds to me like you're more afraid of being judged for what you enjoy than anything else

yep! I'd agree with this entirely.


Your in your 30's and men worth their salt tend to shy away from people who have fear issues. Work on THAT before you try to attract a mate, and then you'll have men lining up and beating down your door.


_____________________________

I believe in Invisible Pink Unicorns

Everyone is gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

(in reply to subfoxx)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: New Year Help: Impossible Dream? - 12/21/2009 10:50:54 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		There are lots of us who are into low level play activities, who are private and monogamous. We just don't have anything fun to talk about!

Seriously play here is mild, bondage, spanking and sex. But he's dominant in real life. What he isn't is unreasonable. He doesn't go around telling me to wash whites first and then towels. He isn't interested in micromanagement. Much of our daily life wouldn't even cross your radar as being d/s. But when he says "don't get that berry fudge swirl ice cream ever again", and I go 'fine, what do you want instead?" that is dominance and submission in action.

If I need a new tire, he'll tell me to buy Michelin and not the cheaper Coopers. And I do it. Real life decisions that he makes because he's smarter and more knowledgable than I am in those areas. Stuff that I'm better at he doesn't interfere needlessly but he will tell me to put back the chicken pot pie fixings because he feels like grilling. Dominance just means he takes the lead. It doesn't have to mean any particular activity.

Figure out not so much what you don't want, as much as what you do. Then you read profiles and see if there's someone who seems compatible. If so write and invite him to coffee. If you match great, if not all you lost was a half hour and a cup of coffee.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to SomethingCatchy)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: New Year Help: Impossible Dream? - 12/21/2009 10:58:52 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

quote:

ORIGINAL: subfoxx

Raven
>>>Sounds to me like you're more afraid of being judged for what you enjoy than anything else

yep! I'd agree with this entirely.


Work on THAT before you try to attract a mate, and then you'll have men lining up and beating down your door.



Agreed. Don't be afraid of being judged for what you like. You don't have to put up your picture or anything like to be confident in what you want.

Just out of curiousity how much research have you done in all this? Done any reading or poked around on websites, maybe talked to some people? Not saying you haven't - just that doing so might help gain confidence as you see how many others function in society perfectly well with little judgement on a day-to-day basis.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: New Year Help: Impossible Dream? - 12/21/2009 11:06:31 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfHnzYEHAow


Thank God it isn't Pierce Brosnan

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: New Year Help: Impossible Dream? - 12/21/2009 11:16:18 AM   
subfoxx


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		Aqua
>>>Just out of curiousity how much research have you done in all this? Done any reading or poked around on websites, maybe talked to some people?

I've read quite a lot about it online and visited CM chat rooms.

Someone suggested to me by email after reading my post above that Informed Consent might be a better site for me. Anyone else used that?

DesFip

>>Then you read profiles and see if there's someone who seems compatible. If so write and invite him to coffee. If you match great, if not all you lost was a half hour and a cup of coffee.

I'm still a bit cautious about this - which partly goes back to the comment above about being scared of being judged.  A fear of it being known that I met someone from CM.

But also obviously there are a lot of v. extreme people on this site - I'm also worried about getting caught up in GHB/Rohypnol date rape drug situation.

this discussion has been helpful! Thanks to everyone for your replies. It's obviously exposed to me that I'm just a scaredy cat at heart!!!


< Message edited by subfoxx -- 12/21/2009 11:20:28 AM >

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 15
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