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Question for the spouse and d/s partner folks... - 12/21/2009 6:20:30 PM

Valyraen

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So, this question popped into my head while showering today (seems like I do my best thinking there... not really sure why), and while I'm sure it's been asked before, I don't much feel inclined toward going through pages upon pages of threads to necro a dead thread.

For those of you whose dominant/submissive... for the sake of brevity, "BDSM-partner" is someone different than your significant other (for example, you're married, and submitting to someone not your spouse), what sort of relationship do you have with your SO? Is there a power dynamic at all, are the two (or more) of you completely vanilla?

I'm deeply curious about this, since I'm one of those folks for whom every relationship is going to have some sort of power dynamic.

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RE: Question for the spouse and d/s partner folks... - 12/21/2009 6:26:40 PM

breatheasone

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From day one i have had a "vanilla" relationship with my husband.(got married at 20 in "83") We also were/are VERY traditional by choice, from day one, because its just how it was done. i stayed home with the kids and had more...cooked cleaned went to school functions, stuff...He worked and did yard work and stuff. We always considered ourselves partners, with him having final say in a stale mate.

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RE: Question for the spouse and d/s partner folks... - 12/22/2009 5:17:03 PM

Valyraen

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May I ask, did both of your relationships develop simultaneously, or did one predate the other? Were you married first, and only later took an interest in WIITWD? If so, do you think that your marriage changed at all as a result? Did getting married change your non 'nilla relationship, if the reverse was the case?

If I get too personal, I apologize. I'm just fantastically curious about this, like I said, and my enthusiasm sometimes takes over my good sense.

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RE: Question for the spouse and d/s partner folks... - 12/22/2009 5:20:02 PM

breatheasone

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Yes i was married 1st, (at age 20) then in my very early forties i discovered WIITWD. No i wouldn't say it changed my marriage much, if at all.

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RE: Question for the spouse and d/s partner folks... - 12/22/2009 7:48:45 PM

NihilusZero

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From: Nashville, TN
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To clarify both as a reader and for future participants in this thread:

Valyraen, you are asking the question in a situation where the individual is essentially poly and has two distinct relationships (one with their BDSM partner and one with another partner which is not BDSM realted), correct?

Because I think breatheasone is speaking, rather. of the same partner but distinguishing the two different facets (vanilla marriage and, later, a D/s dynamic) of their relationship.

The two are distinct situations that likely would offer different answers.

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RE: Question for the spouse and d/s partner folks... - 12/22/2009 7:52:03 PM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

Because I think breatheasone is speaking, rather. of the same partner but distinguishing the two different facets (vanilla marriage and, later, a D/s dynamic) of their relationship.

really? this slave was always under the impression she had a husband AND a Master---two different people...but then, this slave could be wrong, it HAS happened before.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

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RE: Question for the spouse and d/s partner folks... - 12/22/2009 8:31:33 PM

Valyraen

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NZ, to answer your question, my initial query was posed to those who have two distinct relationships, yes.

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RE: Question for the spouse and d/s partner folks... - 12/22/2009 8:53:02 PM

LadyPact

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I'm going to attempt to reconstruct what I was typing before My computer shut off. I won't get into the colorful expressions that I used when I lost My original material.

There is no authority dynamic between Me and My other half. (Hereafter known as My husband or MP.) For all intensive purposes, we met, courted, and married vanilla. I had lifestyle experience prior to that with a different individual that pre-dated My having met MP. However, we have an equality based relationship.

For the most part, I would say we have a pretty good relationship. I think we have our ups and downs like everyone else. I'm not going to sit here and say we never disagree on anything. We do. At the same time, in most cases, we know how to handle things.

I go between thinking of him as vanilla and someone who happens to like topping. He's certainly got Dominant tendencies, but he's never been involved in a D/s structure as the Dominant. He's not submissive and while he's bottomed for Me on prior occasions, it's really not his thing. (He says I'm too rough. LOL.)

My first dip into the realm of M/s dynamics was before I had ever met him. MP and I were married vanilla, monogamous, and equals for a few years before I got back into BDSM. It was a heck of a transition for him that we're now kinky and poly these years later. That's actually a credit to him that he was willing to walk down this road with Me.

My current M/s dynamic was formed after MP and I made these changes in our primary relationship. I have had clip collared to Me for over two years now. Before him, there were a couple of others but he's the only one that I have successfully made My own.

That's pretty much the background, Val and I hope I answered your questions along the way, too. If not, feel free to ask anything you would like, either here or on the other side.

Please give My best to Aquatic and those I know in your neck of the woods when you see them next.

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RE: Question for the spouse and d/s partner folks... - 12/23/2009 5:22:21 AM

Zechriel

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Good morning!
Okay hubby and I have been married for about 15 years. He basically straightened me out from my wild ways. We have 3 UMs and in the house we are equals. Sometimes I hate that, sometimes I really wanna be babied or take the upper hand with the kids so I am not always the bad guy. He's not into kink nor really into sex but then again he's older and has always been very mature. Outside the house, when we are together, I take the back seat. I defer to him rather than assert myself in public. I "know" my place. It's a comfortable relationship, I love him and it works.

Daddy and I have been together for almost 2 years. He is always in charge although sometimes I can get my way, if I ask. We have not gone out in public but I think I would act the same way with him that I do hubby. I can let myself down with Daddy and allow my softer side (which is always there just pushed down sometimes) to come out all the time. I can be assertive when he has me make calls for him or do things for him in vanilla situations but mostly I am allowed to be a woman, not head of house or in charge. I love him and it works.

I agree that every relationship has that dynamic, even in work or just shopping. I play parts alot, if I need to be assertive iwth a clerk or shy and gentle with older people, I can do both cause I am both incorporated. I am not one dimensional. I think that both men know this about me because both men can bring out my best, using different techniques and such. Hope that helps. Good luck!
Love,
Zechriel

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RE: Question for the spouse and d/s partner folks... - 12/23/2009 7:33:28 AM

NihilusZero

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Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

really? this slave was always under the impression she had a husband AND a Master---two different people...but then, this slave could be wrong, it HAS happened before.

Well....now I don't know! *scratches head*

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

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RE: Question for the spouse and d/s partner folks... - 12/23/2009 8:59:14 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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beth is correct. There are two different males.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

really? this slave was always under the impression she had a husband AND a Master---two different people...but then, this slave could be wrong, it HAS happened before.

Well....now I don't know! *scratches head*

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 11

RE: Question for the spouse and d/s partner folks... - 12/23/2009 9:24:05 AM

breatheasone

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Two different Men, two different relationships.

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RE: Question for the spouse and d/s partner folks... - 12/23/2009 9:38:38 AM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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While I don't spell out the details of my personal life, and won't, I think it's safe to say I have been poly in the past. I do not have a woman in my life at present so I am not in any M/s or D/s relationship.

The guy I call Generic Dude, is as vanilla as the bottle of extract in my kitchen cupboard. We have known one another for over 20 years and I have to say he really is my best friend. Exactly what our relationship entails has varied over time. We've spent long periods of time apart and others living with the appearance of a traditional hetro relationship. He is neither dominant or submissive in the ways that most of us think yet almost always puts my happiness first. He has chosen to hang with me through two relationships (with women) and all that entails. Survived the revelation of my sexuality and stuck around.

The bizarre relationship we have developed would not work for most people, especially most hetro men, but it works for us and is the foundation and rock of both of our lives and our home. We support one another in WHATEVER the other wants to do, making their happiness more important than our own trivial emotions. We both have tremendous respect for one another. Trust is huge in achieving the above. He trusts that whomever I bring into my life, our home, will have been screened by my standards and will not be allowed to do anything to damage our family or home life. I trust that he will do the same.

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RE: Question for the spouse and d/s partner folks... - 1/6/2010 9:41:50 AM

ceebee

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Every human interaction contains a power dynamic of some sort, most of them more subtle and subconscious than those typically recognized in this realm. (I think there have been boks written about that very subject).

That said, the nilla man thing and I really don't have a "power dynamic" so to speak, he takes care of his stuff, I take care of mine, sometimes we meet in the middle; and the boundaries of all of that are fluid and can change depending on needs at the time.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

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RE: Question for the spouse and d/s partner folks... - 1/6/2010 10:29:38 AM

AlexandraLynch

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Bear and I are a working partnership. We are both kinky, but since we are both dominants, in practice it means we exchange roles of leader and support person depending on individual fitness, skills, abilities, and preferences. He is my other half and my best friend. Before it blew up, he had a DD/lg relationship with a girl, and I have two male subs. In those cases, the exercise of our personalities in that way wouldn't work or fit in our marriage, and so we take it outside the marriage into other relationships.

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RE: Question for the spouse and d/s partner folks... - 1/6/2010 11:36:46 AM

LillyoftheVally

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Whoever said that all relationships have a power dynamic to some extent is totally right. They do.

For my current relationship there is one but then the relationship itself is a little complex so what other people may think of it would probably vary to what I do.

I will try and make it as simple as possible, I have an asexual 'vanilla' relationship with a boy. He is submissive, I met him while in my last relationship where I was the primary slave for a dominant couple while he was a casual submissive, as he was with another woman.

I made it clear that the fact that I was with him shouldn't prevent him from continuing his relationships (however I did ask he have a break from my ex's for a time because it was a little painful)

In our relationship I have a larger share of the power than he does, it just kinda fell into that way, of course the fact that it is asexual means that for many it wouldnt qualify as a BDSM exchange, hell some may not view it as a relationship full stop but it works for me for the moment.

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