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MaamJay -> RE: Wondering what you would do..... (12/25/2009 8:39:23 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SomethingElse9
There is something on my mind and I need advice from people who might understand, better than anyone I know at least. I am seeing someone who is into BDSM and treats me as a submissive. I am into this too and don't mind being submissive with him, first time I have been submissive actually. On this site he claims to be a submissive though and is actively seeking dom. couples, and women. I am confused and hurt because it seems like he doesn't want to be with me. It seems like an excuse to continue looking for more than what I give him. He says that BDSM is just one aspect of our relationship and we have much more than this that makes us "us". I agree with that because I am pretty sure none of his friends/family know about this side of us. I am feeling very upset because we have this conversation a lot when I find out he has been out hunting for women to see or service, etc. I am done with the conversations because it is the same result. I want to know what someone would do if they were in my shoes. I feel so damned if I do right now because I am in love with him even though I am sure he does not love me. I just feel like a stupid fool right now, truly living up to be a sad submissive. The other thing is that I know I am fat, not attractive and etc. I have a good job and educated and I am very good in bed. I guess this is even making my self esteem be as low as it gets when I see the women he is pursuing. (skinny and pretty) He says that he loves to normally be dom. with the woman he is with but wants to be submissive from time to time. I don't see how that can be truthful unless he lies on his own profile, why not just put down that you are a switch? I guess that is the point I am getting at, not to mention that I am usually dom. in relationships, so why not use me because I am really good at being dom.? Thanks in advance for the advice!
(My colour emphasis added)
OK I am going to come at this slightly differently, and that's from My own perspective as someone who is both Dominant and submissive but not really a classic switch. As I read this situation (red quotes), there are two switchy types whose switchy mechanisms aren't quite the same. Seems like the OP has a preference for monogamy and would be ok switching with the same partner. So she could happily Domme him and in turn, he brings out her sub side which no one else has. However, he doesn't seem to be able or want to switch with the same person, he would like to continue being her Dom and also have someone else Domme him. His switch operates differently and he is not so wired for monogamy.
My key point is that neither of these approaches is necessarily wrong. He is not necessarily a bad ass for wanting both (as some posters who are obviously monogamy-biased were quick to accuse him of being) ... and she is not necessarily a bad ass for wanting monogamy and thinking she could just as easily Domme him! They are simply incompatible. It would take a lot of personal growth on either side to become compatible and it may not even be possible ie one or both may not be able to meet the other half way in this.
OP, reread the green bit again. Why is he being untruthful by saying he usually likes to Dom but also likes to sub ... when you don't think you are untruthful and yet you are in exactly the same position?? You normally Domme but in this case you're his sub! This is being rather hypocritical. He may not use the word switch but that's what he is describing himself as. I also don't like to describe Myself as a switch as for many people it seems to imply switching with the one partner and that's not My thing. i am sub to Master ... and He is going to remain Master and me His sub. It would do my head in now to switch with Him. However, I have a strong Domme side and that's why I would love to have a totally separate sub and for us to form a happy family of 3! Master recognises and supports Me in that need. So I prefer to use the term Duality as I truly operate best when both sub and Domme sides are operating at the same time but with 2 different people.
It would be constructive to lay aside the blame, the hurt feelings and the self esteem issues and examine the core of the problem, the different ways you both want the same thing. Only if the 2 of you can arrive at a mutually compatible mechanism for achieving that, is it worth continuing the relationship. If you both decide it's not possible, don't get into the blame game, it helps no one and hurts both. Simply realise that different is not bad, it's just not compatible.
Maam Jay aka violet[A]
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