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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/25/2009 1:03:06 PM   
NihilusZero


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quote:

Did I say something wrong?

Yes, as evidenced by her having read your words and chosen not to reply.

However, you are never going to find out what you did wrong.

Furthermore, your request from posters here indicates that you are willing to advertise yourself differently than you are or are willing to play some verbal etiquette game if it means you can score the women you want (which is, practical or not, disingenuous).

If you think your infatuation with someone is worth that self-alteration, however, then by all means...start transcribing the suggestions of ladies here into a manuscript.

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I know that I'm to blame."
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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/25/2009 5:47:07 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline 		The other posters are right, it could have been anything and you cannot know. Maybe she didn't like your photo, maybe your screen name on there reminded her of someone she had a bad experience with, who knows? I'll tell you my response but I think it's a minority one, particularly for a a vanilla dating site, so don't give it too much creedence. I shudder in horror when I recieve that sort of letter. I never respond to them because I have no idea what to say to them. The writer seems to be writing to a fantasy, not to a real person. And I just personally do not like that style or tone, I don't like it when people come on that strong to a complete stranger (me), even if they really like the profile. They don't know me, and their strong response to someone they don't know makes me think they are pretty unrealistic about people. I much prefer a low-key casual, humorous approach, or something very blunt and striaghtforward that gets to the point (or both), and nothing that puts me on a pedestal or appears to be worshipping me. But duh, I'm a submissive, so of course I'm uncomfortable with worship. A dominant woman might really like this sort of letter. But even some dominant women might think you were trying too hard and not appreciate your effort because when people try too hard to impress someone with their infatuation it can seem insincere.

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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/25/2009 6:41:55 PM   
Dominasola


Posts: 582
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Ottawa, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AlexCutwright

How do you begin an email like this? What is it that you're supposed to say to someone you've never met before, but want to meet and get to know on an entirely personal level? What am I supposed to say in an email like this? Ah, the blank screen is the bane of all writers!


You question yourself repeatedly in just the first paragraph; if I were the recipient reading this, I would automatically assume that you either 1) have severe confidence issues, and as such, I would not be interested; or 2) are attempting to feign modesty in order to increase the chances that I will answer back.  Either way, I would be very wary about you, should I decide to form a reply.

quote:


Your photo caught my attention first and foremost. I wasn't able to read your profile without clicking the link, and the only thing that made the link was a single photo of a thin bodied beauty. When I saw your photo I decided then to send you a message, but first I wanted to read what I could about you. Your interest in art, your desire for a Masters, your infatuation with musical performance, and a direct interest of sculpture, all things I could have read in depth before writing this to you.


As previous posts have indicated, your focus on her appearance probably didn't help your cause.  I dislike it immensely when the first thing someone can say to me is that, "you're hot," even if they state it in an eloquent way. Although you do appeal to her interests, I would be more likely to reply favourably to a message that only brought up interests, and left the physical attraction to consequent messages.

quote:


Alas, I read all that was available, and even still I find myself not knowing what to say to you. What comes to mind first is your beauty, but I don't want to seem shallow as that it's my only interest. I wonder if this message will be in vein, if my stumbling words will lead you to the little red "X" in the corner of the window.

My name is [Name], and I unfortunately find myself in Gulfport, quite a ways from you at the time. I live here, study here, and train here; my direction in life leaves me here until a degree is in my hands, as well. But I want to talk to you, to get to know who you are, and maybe take a trip to Memphis and take you on a proper date and talk about what ever comes up.

I'm sorry, I sit here and type without knowing what I should even say and hope that it makes a coherent thought that you might be so kind as to read and reply to. If you do, I would appreciate it, and if you would, please, tell me more about yourself. What kind of medium do you use in your sculptures? What games do you enjoy dressing up for? And since you're goal-oriented, what goals do you have beyond the masters program?

I hope to hear from you soon. I'll be looking forward to a reply whenever you can make the time.

Merry Christmas,
[My name]


Again, the way in which you structured this message makes it reek of insecurities.  I wouldn't be as eager to respond to this message (as sincere as it may have been) as I would to something simple, like: "I see that you are planning on doing a Master's degree; what type of program are you looking at getting into? I'm just finishing up a degree in [x]."  Instead of placing her on a pedestal with you stumbling over yourself at her feet, try to draw similarities between the two of you so that you can perhaps open things up to engage in a discussion of equals (of course, this is just my view; I tend to run away screaming when people try to place me above them ).

This is all, of course, me putting myself in the shoes of the person receiving it.  As has been mentioned numerous times, there were reasons as to why she did not answer; something you said could have made that decision, or other factors could have caused her to delete it.  Next time, I would suggest that you tone down the written stumblings - the joy of the internet is that you have the time and power to create messages that eliminate the stuttering and nervousness that may manifest in a face-to-face interaction.



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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/25/2009 6:47:57 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Although I'm not fond of the process from a personal perspective, this has been an interesting thread to spark the creative cog-turning of figuring out what psychological cues and lures are most likely to garner bites from readers when using a written medium to begin introductions.

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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/25/2009 7:00:34 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		I think the OP made quite a nice start, then blew it with the babbling (as LP described it), the insecurities and defeatism, and finally the focus on her beauty. Especially the thin-bodied bit, that would strike terror into the hearts of many women who fear they will not always be so thin! I reiterate the advice of many, keep it shorter, simpler, steer more to her interests rather than her beauty. Even with what she said in her profile, keep it introductory, or at most say "If we are able to get chatting and you'd like me to, I would be happy to one day drive up to Memphis and take you out on a real date".

However, at least it was far more eloquent than the usual run of one-liners!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/25/2009 7:17:32 PM   
Falkenstein


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Status: offline 		Double Zero,

this was a cheap shot if I ever saw one.

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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/25/2009 7:21:27 PM   
NihilusZero


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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Falkenstein

Double Zero,

this was a cheap shot if I ever saw one.

What, exactly?


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"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/25/2009 8:32:58 PM   
windchymes


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Status: offline 		Also, when you (OP) started expressing such joy at finding a "thin-bodied woman", it probably struck terror into the heart of the poster, who is probably 20 years older and 100 lbs. heavier now.

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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/25/2009 8:45:53 PM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		I don't reply to initial contacts like that. Very offputting coming from a total stranger. Reeks of needy, insecure, pushy, fantasy driven, potential stalker when the relationship ends. No thanks. Learned that lesson clearly already.

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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/26/2009 2:39:53 AM   
Acer49


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Joined: 8/7/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AlexCutwright

I'm sorry to come and ask this to the community as a whole, but if anyone would be willing to look at this and give an opinion, I would be thankful.

Last night I viewed a profile of an intelligent and beauitful woman on another site (I won't list where as to avoid possible advertisment) and found myself in awe of what I read and saw. As I read the profile I began clicking anything I could to read more about this person. I wouldn't go as far as to say I became infatuated, but I felt an immediate desire to get know this person and to see if there was a chance for something more to evolve in time.

So as I thought about this profile and read it again I decided finally to write a letter expressing my interest. The server allows you to see if it has been read, unread, and wether it was deleted. I found this morning, unfortunately, that the email I wrote to her on Christmas Eve/Morning (0401 this morning, call it which you will) has been and read and deleted without a reply. Now I don't want to sound like I'm complaining; I understand everyone has free will and chooses with whom they will talk and about what. I just want to know if anyone can tell if my email was off putting?

I wrote this:

How do you begin an email like this? What is it that you're supposed to say to someone you've never met before, but want to meet and get to know on an entirely personal level? What am I supposed to say in an email like this? Ah, the blank screen is the bane of all writers!

Your photo caught my attention first and foremost. I wasn't able to read your profile without clicking the link, and the only thing that made the link was a single photo of a thin bodied beauty. When I saw your photo I decided then to send you a message, but first I wanted to read what I could about you. Your interest in art, your desire for a Masters, your infatuation with musical performance, and a direct interest of sculpture, all things I could have read in depth before writing this to you.

Alas, I read all that was available, and even still I find myself not knowing what to say to you. What comes to mind first is your beauty, but I don't want to seem shallow as that it's my only interest. I wonder if this message will be in vein, if my stumbling words will lead you to the little red "X" in the corner of the window.

My name is [Name], and I unfortunately find myself in Gulfport, quite a ways from you at the time. I live here, study here, and train here; my direction in life leaves me here until a degree is in my hands, as well. But I want to talk to you, to get to know who you are, and maybe take a trip to Memphis and take you on a proper date and talk about what ever comes up.

I'm sorry, I sit here and type without knowing what I should even say and hope that it makes a coherent thought that you might be so kind as to read and reply to. If you do, I would appreciate it, and if you would, please, tell me more about yourself. What kind of medium do you use in your sculptures? What games do you enjoy dressing up for? And since you're goal-oriented, what goals do you have beyond the masters program?

I hope to hear from you soon. I'll be looking forward to a reply whenever you can make the time.

Merry Christmas,
[My name]



Anyone? Did I do something wrong in my email? Opinions welcome, please.


Telling someone they are attractive is one thing, but focusing on it is another. This behavior objectifies women and in your case, your potential, appears to have found it undesirable or atleast, common.

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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/26/2009 4:26:06 AM   
SirJohnMandevill


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

Furthermore, your request from posters here indicates that you are willing to advertise yourself differently than you are or are willing to play some verbal etiquette game if it means you can score the women you want (which is, practical or not, disingenuous).

If you think your infatuation with someone is worth that self-alteration, however, then by all means...start transcribing the suggestions of ladies here into a manuscript.


I think you're being a bit hard on the guy. Wanting to write a better introductory e-mail doesn't (necessarily) mean he's playing verbal games.

My .02 zlotys to the OP: I'd echo what some others have said. You had some good points and bad points in your e-mail. It was a tad over the top for an introduction. But I imagine if the woman in question is all that, she probably gets innundated with e-mails -- just as many of the lovely, talented women on CM do -- so you were trying to hit it outta the park on the first pitch! Just rachet the platitudes back a bit next time....and don't say you want to meet someone before you've even talked.

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)





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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/26/2009 6:10:12 PM   
deansslut


Posts: 12
Joined: 12/20/2009
Status: offline 		Well I'd say the best way to find out is to send her another email and maybe she can clear this up for you.Good luck

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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/26/2009 7:12:37 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		There was no reciprocal interest on her part..simple as that..you could be the greatest writer in the world..but if there was no connection felt on her part..no unknown interest captured..then your out of luck..as long as you remain yourself,,intense or not..visual compliments or not..you will connect with whom you are meant to connect with..best./Tempting

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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/26/2009 8:41:41 PM   
Elisabella


Posts: 3939
Status: offline 		-FR-

This is how your letter read to me:

Hello there,

I find you attractive because you're not overweight, enough so that I'm not even going to bother saying you have a pretty face. This is my main criteria for pursuing something with you, but I will admit it's a bonus to see that you have a personality too. Of course I won't articulate why I like these things about your personality, I'm just going to list them because it makes me sound less shallow.

I'm going to keep telling you I don't know what to say because that will save me the time of actually thinking of something to say. Also I would again like to emphasize you're really hot. Even though I can't think of anything to say to you, I'm still going to bring up the fact that I want to come visit you. Since this desire isn't based on the fact that we have good conversations, it will probably be because I want to hook up with you. Because you're hot.

Now I'm going to tack on a paragraph of rapidfire questions without conversational context to make it at least appear that I'm interested in a conversation.

Merry Christmas,
Your Name

I'm not saying that's what you intended, but that's how it read to me. "You're hot, I'd like to come hook up with you."

The types of letters I enjoy receiving are maybe a paragraph or two long - a sentence or two about what made the guy interested in me and why he found that interesting, maybe a question as a conversation starter in proper context - IE "what kind of medium do you use in your sculptures? I have a friend who uses xyz" or "I have an interest in Renaissance sculpture myself" or anything that makes it seem as though you're asking the question because you have an interest in it, not just because you feel like you should be asking questions or because you're at a loss for a conversation starter.

And then another sentence or two about the guy that is more informative than just basic stats - it's nice to include age/location/career but there should also be something about you as a person - IE "I'm a student right now but on the weekends I like to DJ at my friends parties" or whatever. Some little tidbit.

And longer isn't always better. Women get a lot of emails. If you can make your email stand out in one paragraph you'll be a lot better off than writing 6 paragraphs that she'll just skim over.

Oh and I can't speak for anyone else but the whole saying you'd like to meet before I've even spoken a word to you just screams "hookup" rather than "relationship."

I hope this helped some.

< Message edited by Elisabella -- 12/26/2009 8:45:06 PM >

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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/26/2009 8:54:37 PM   
HisSweetElysium


Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline 		^^^ what she said.

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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/26/2009 9:05:17 PM   
QuirkyAnne


Posts: 268
Joined: 9/17/2008
Status: offline 		Your letter was very polite and I didn't see anything offensive but I did notice two things that might have bothered her.  One, you mentioned that she was a "thin bodied beauty," it's possible that she didn't take kindly to that and assumed that, in spite of your interests about her goals and education, you were interested in her for her physical appearance.  Also, your letter indicated that you are a long way away from her.  If she is NOT interested in a long distance romance she could be sick and tired of getting messages from men who are far from her contacting her.  I can personally attest to what it is like to receive a half dozen messages from men who are far from me expressing interest in a relationship with me when I clearly state on my profile that I'm NOT interested in an LDR (granted, she might not have said this on her profile), and I have angrily deleted their messages rather than what I usually do, which is responding politely and saying I'm not interested.

There are many more reasons it might have been deleted.  She could have been in a hurry and was deleting several and yours got caught up by accident, her boyfriend might have found her profile and deleted all communication from other men, she could be a horny net geek who gets off on adoring messages from men she has no intention of ever meeting, it could be a GUY with a fake profile, the list goes on and on.

Don't get discouraged or take ANYTHING too personally when it comes to the pursuit of online romances.  Very often, there are more fakes, players, and HNGs than there are real people who will actually show up for a date that you set.

Good luck in your search.

Anne

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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/26/2009 9:28:28 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirJohnMandevill

I think you're being a bit hard on the guy. Wanting to write a better introductory e-mail doesn't (necessarily) mean he's playing verbal games.

Perhaps I should have clarified a bit. I'm not intending to be hard on the guy at all. I actually applaud that he had the gumption to write what honestly come from his own being. In actuality, he wasn't playing verbal games at all...and now, ironically, all the advice being given here is to suggest that he should.

As the responses here indicate, there is a certain game that is to be played in order to win the infamous "first impression" badge, without which no one gets to go further.

Maybe my tone came across negatively as it related to him. It wasn't my intention, though. It was more a passive exasperation concerning the entire game in the first place. Granted, I didn't flower up my commentary when I suggested that if he is actually more interested at playing the 'first impression game', that he should indeed take the advice being given.

And perhaps I can't really blame him or anyone else since we all end up having to approach this silliness of a courtship process in way that tells us the end justifies type means...it's just kind of...depressing that the guy can have effectively, by having done nothing wrong, done something wrong.

So, apologies, OP, if you felt I was being unduly harsh.


< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 12/26/2009 9:30:59 PM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/26/2009 9:41:03 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirJohnMandevill

I think you're being a bit hard on the guy. Wanting to write a better introductory e-mail doesn't (necessarily) mean he's playing verbal games.

Perhaps I should have clarified a bit. I'm not intending to be hard on the guy at all. I actually applaud that he had the gumption to write what honestly come from his own being. In actuality, he wasn't playing verbal games at all...and now, ironically, all the advice being given here is to suggest that he should.

As the responses here indicate, there is a certain game that is to be played in order to win the infamous "first impression" badge, without which no one gets to go further.

Maybe my tone came across negatively as it related to him. It wasn't my intention, though. It was more a passive exasperation concerning the entire game in the first place. Granted, I didn't flower up my commentary when I suggested that if he is actually more interested at playing the 'first impression game', that he should indeed take the advice being given.

And perhaps I can't really blame him or anyone else since we all end up having to approach this silliness of a courtship process in way that tells us the end justifies type means...it's just kind of...depressing that the guy can have effectively, by having done nothing wrong, done something wrong.

So, apologies, OP, if you felt I was being unduly harsh.


I don't agree.

When I responded to the OP, I was very specific about My opinion and what I prefer to see in an introductory contact.  I did not refer to game playing, but instead was pointing out why such a letter would not appeal to Me.  I didn't necessarily say he did anything 'wrong' but at the same time, didn't particularly impress Me as doing anything 'right' had he written the same text to Me. 

The one exception to this being that he *had* read her profile.  The partial reposting of the text here being rather tacky.  I don't care if it was copied from another site or not.


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RE: Did I say something wrong? - 12/26/2009 9:54:32 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I don't agree.

When I responded to the OP, I was very specific about My opinion and what I prefer to see in an introductory contact.  I did not refer to game playing, but instead was pointing out why such a letter would not appeal to Me.  I didn't necessarily say he did anything 'wrong' but at the same time, didn't particularly impress Me as doing anything 'right' had he written the same text to Me. 

The one exception to this being that he *had* read her profile.  The partial reposting of the text here being rather tacky.  I don't care if it was copied from another site or not.

My comments weren't meant as a direct prod at you or anyone else commenting. Obviously, everyone is going to offer up what would have impressed them more. It's a natural response to this sort of thread.

The point, however, is that such a process inevitably is based (if not on natural compatibility from the get-go) on the altering/adjusting of, in this case, the OP's mode of introduction to appear to be less unnattractive or less superficial or less whatever, regardless of whether he is those things or not. Ergo, verbal game-playing. It's just a human fact of life, I suppose.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 12/26/2009 9:55:20 PM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

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