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subtee -> RE: the needy submissive (1/2/2010 6:10:17 PM)
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~FR
I’ve got to come back and answer this because it has bothered me to a ridiculous extent. That is my deal and although I have foolishly lost sleep over getting my feelings hurt, I’m gonna speak up again.
I have to say that there is another way and I cannot let it go that I am some kind of snarling shrew because I didn’t agree that submissive = needy.
I can understand (in the abstract) how it may be appealing to imagine or have a relationship with a sub who is needy to the extent that they are grasping, unfulfilled or even lost without a Dom to serve and then clingy and dependent when she/he does find a Dom, there is another way.
There is another way.
This other way is a complete person who doesn’t bide time merely existing (and doing poorly at that) until such time as He/She comes along to make life make sense.
There is another way.
The reason I asked whether it might apply to Doms too is because of my own experience. I think it’s probably pretty clear that I avoid talking personally, but here I go. In my experience, almost all of them that I have been involved with have become creepy-stalky, yes, needy Doms. I know well enough that this is not the way it has to be. This is why I find community and comfort on the boards. I admire here. I believe in what could because I'm here. This neediness that I’ve experienced is not universally true for submissives either. We don’t all have to fall into some category of neediness, as was absolutely stated and largely not refuted.
There is another godamn way.
This other way is one in which submissiveness and serving is a choice born not out of not being whole or worthwhile or competent without, but in which submissiveness and serving is an expression of a competent, whole person choosing to live with and for another.
I can be certain that what I bring is from a place of sureness and competence, not an emotional lacking to be filled by someone else. To place a relationship in such precariousness that neediness naturally connotes is derogatory not only to submissives, by insisting that they must be needy half-complete, merely existing creatures, but also to Dominants, by insisting that “emotionally dependent, clingy, looking to their partner for validation and reassurance, buoyed up and brought down by him, by his moods” is THE only way of submission that will make them a Dominant.
It seems to me control from a Dominant who recognizes that a submissive is asking for it without needing it is indeed sexy. He’s secure, I’m secure, we gonna ROCK.
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