Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds?

Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (Full Version)

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subCDswfl -> Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/20/2006 8:38:02 AM)
Very serious question for all Dommes...Are You in or looking for a love relationship that includes D/s? or are most of You desiring to stay single, or if married, looking for more then one sub to just play with? I am asking since that is what ithought I had until very recently. She ended up breaking my heart like it has never been broken before. Long story, but it was a long distance relationship that lasted over 3 years. Only saw each other twice in all that time. But i am sure the love was there between us until whatever snapped Her into wanting out. Since we could never be together full time, maybe it is for the best. But that is another long story. Am i asking to much to have a beautiful deep loving relatonship with the one and only Domme i want to serve should i be lucky enough to find one? Of course i am only looking for a love/ D/s relatiopnship that is local or could develope to where one of us moves to be with the other. Needless to say, dominant women are in short supply and very high demand. lol So i may never find the love and dominance i am looking for. But i know i cannot live without it as part of my life. That's why there are so many pro Dommes i'm sure. But tha is something that i would never get that deparate to need or want. Nothign against it. Just not for me. i need love along wiht my total submission to jus one deserving Woman. What's my odds of ever finding Her?

mistressrose10 -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/20/2006 8:53:32 AM)
It is possible to find love in D/s relationship.The odds of nurturing love in any kind of long distance relationship though are slim in my opinion.You need to find the right mix of D/s and vanilla to find this though because love trancends the bedroom.

MistressLorelei -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/20/2006 8:59:57 AM)
I would think your odds are very good. While there are many Dommes seeking short-term play, there are many who are searching for their soul-mates. Also, many times short-term intentions can lead to permanent situations... and often if you look too hard, you miss what you are hoping to find. I was looking to experience ongoing, yet non-permanent play from a select few, to help Me know what I truly wanted in a long-term D/s relationship. In the end... I want the happily ever-after... The Cinderella story with a D/s and rather kinky twist.

SweetDommes -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/20/2006 9:47:18 AM)
We found it, so it's definitely possible. It just takes time, effort, and A LOT of patience.

subCDswfl -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/20/2006 9:54:27 AM)
Mistress Rose, I agree with You about the long distance relationships. In fact, if it was not for what was a very strong bond and deep love we shared, it would not have lasted as long as it did. I guess in some ways, i should feel proud that we could stay that devoted and loving for that long. I agree with your statement about love trancending the bedroom Ma'am. I am not looking for just play. I know what i need and want in my life. I need a Dominant Woman that i will worship and love with all my heart in and out of the bedroom. I need the direction fo a strong Woman to function properly. But yes, it is a mix of D/s and vanilla.

Slipstreme -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/20/2006 9:58:09 AM)
I currently don't have a relationship that is D/s based. It is more friends in the same house type thing with a second flogging buddy as well as a Mentor, but I am comfortable with that arrangement at the momment. Both partners I have were friends of mine long before BDSM became a part of it. Ultimately though I think I would prefer to find a mate in the lifestyle not just a submissive sadomasochist, although I am open to poly. Even then I would prefer love to be the glue binding the group together, not the D/s. I've come to terms that what I have right now is most likely temporary, because although we get along great, I believe we seek different paths. So yes, it is possible, and will probably happen if you give it enough time to.

subCDswfl -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/20/2006 10:00:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressLorelei I would think your odds are very good. While there are many Dommes seeking short-term play, there are many who are searching for their soul-mates. Also, many times short-term intentions can lead to permanent situations... and often if you look too hard, you miss what you are hoping to find. I was looking to experience ongoing, yet non-permanent play from a select few, to help Me know what I truly wanted in a long-term D/s relationship. In the end... I want the happily ever-after... The Cinderella story with a D/s and rather kinky twist. Dear Mistress Lorelei, Thank You Ma'am, for Your words of encouragment. I am so glad to hear from a Domme that wants exactly what i want.I like the way You put it, the Cinderella story with a D/s twist. Please Ma'am, don't take this wrong, but i sure wish You were older or me younger! You live so close to me! But i'd still love to know You Ma'am.

MHOO314 -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/20/2006 10:22:10 AM)
quote: i need love along wiht my total submission to jus one deserving Woman. What's my odds of ever finding Her? I believe if you talk to My boy ( named below) he could share with you the frustration you may be feeling and the joy he is now feeling--a few years ago when I decided what I wanted, I too thought I was crazy for seeking a D/s LTR---but I knew that's what I wanted, it took Me a lot of screening and a lot of patience---but its what I wanted--I came close a few times, but I have finally found the boy--I use that term, but he is indeed My manboy--he isn't just My boy, he is My man--I love him deeply and completely--and well---I can't tell you the rest if the story--(there have to e some surprises---)--but I do believe it is indeed possible. OH and he is 3011 miles away right now--

thetammyjo -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/20/2006 11:13:39 AM)
I think for love to flourish you need to be similar and compatble on several levels of which, Ds is only one. I also think that love grows and develops over time, with committment and through changes/challenges. Love is a huge word which can encompass a lot of different feelings and relationship styles ranging from sexual to romantic or friendship to family. Any of these can make for wonderful and fulfilling Ds relationships. For me personally, having some level of "love" would be necessary before I owned anyone.

AAkasha -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/20/2006 4:52:33 PM)
In my experience, the more realistic a submissive's idea is about what a "loving relationship" is, the more likely he is to find it. What I often found were highly submissive men who could not integrate their submissive side into the relationship in a way that made it functional (for me -- it boiled down to incompatibility). Problems that were common included: * Him not being assertive enough and wanting to defer to me on everything (too submissive) * Him wanting more playtime and on his terms, rather than allowing me my space to let my urges drive things more naturally * My need for more socially outgoing men -- could not be shy, introverted or insecure * Him not being ambitious enough in his career or life goals The problem is that I wanted a boyfriend who was a man and carried all the natural, assertive tendencies of a traditional male boyfriend but who was completely ok with my sadistic desire and closet full of kinky toys. I also wanted a man that would generally defer to me but at least have an opinion (a strong one) and not be a push over or a yes man. When I was single I found that I was falling into several types of relationships: * Casual relationships that were amazing for kink -- really HOT connections with sub men but horrible as boyfriends -- we did not connect at all on that level * Fantastic vanilla relationships that were 2+ years, solid, marriage material who were "tolerant" of my kink but could take it or leave it. This led to turmoil in the bedroom and a need for constant adjustments; but the REST of the relationship was grand. I found it incredibly challenging to locate both a boyfriend/soul mate/lover and a hot submissive in ONE package. I chose the route of finding the boyfriend/soul mate first and converting him into the submissive. Femdoms have the easier end of this deal. It's much easier for a woman to convince an otherwise vanilla guy to experiment in bed from time to time than it is for a submissive man to convince a vanilla wife to give it a try. Akasha

GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/20/2006 6:19:08 PM)
I find Myself with a strong need to caution you. You have had a long distance, 3 years with only 2 live meets, relationship that is now over, and you feel like you need this again. Although you are being more practical now in your realization that LDR is not the best way to go, except as a shorter term transitonal phase, I find Myself worried about your definition of a D/s relationship. With only two live meets in three years, regardless of the amount of email and phone calls, you maintained a great deal of freedom during those three years. You will need to seriously think about your personal definition of and comfort level with D/s or M/s. A day to day, even live-in since that is what you appear to be seeking now, may be quite different from what you have experienced in the past. In answer to your question...yes it is possible. I seek that Myself. Patience. And welcome to the boards.

LadyThornrose -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/20/2006 10:28:51 PM)
This topic is close to my heart. I am one of the "odd" ones looking for a soulmate: a long-term multi-faceted monogamous relationship that is a delicious blend of vanilla and D/s. I comfort myself with the fact that I may need a one in a million person, but that means there are 650,000 possibilities for me on this earth! From the sad stories that dozens of submissives have told me, I think it's worth waiting to find the blend you're looking for, rather than settling for an incomplete relationship and hoping it will change. I believe that people konw what they need to know about a relationship in the beginning. Most of us choose to ignore certain things or expect them to change. I think that's a mistake. I am the type of Domme that prefers masculine submissive men that CHOOSE to serve me, rather than making them into submissives. Due to personal circumstances I don't feel it's appropriate for me to actively seek anyone right now but I hope it will happen for me some day. In the meantime, I'm doing my best to satisfy my D/s desires in other ways, like reading the CMe message boards. :) Best wishes, subCDswfl, I really hope you'll find what you're looking for. Lady Thornrose Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.

subtoFemDommes -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/20/2006 11:06:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subCDswfl But i am sure the love was there between us until whatever snapped Her into wanting out. Since we could never be together full time, maybe it is for the best. quote: i need love along wiht my total submission to jus one deserving Woman. What's my odds of ever finding Her? It does sound to me as if there was some degree of ambivalence in how what each of you wanted and thought you had was communicated. It doesn't sound like a relationship of "three years" where you only "saw each other twice" is what you are looking for. Whatever the odds are, the only way to increase them is to be clear of what you want, communicate that upfront without any ambiguity (which your profile does seem to do) and don't compromise or waste time once you understand that's not what someone else is looking for. I feel a lot of the moaning about the bad odds of finding the Domme who suits you, ignores how much time people spend pursuing those who obviously won't, in either the heat of a need unmet, or the deluded belief that someone will compromise their values to suit our own. Like you, I knew what I needed and knew I'd rather just be alone than get involved with a Domme who wasn't looking for a deep, abiding love. But I wouldn't have spent 3 years involved without a greater certainty that She wanted the same thing. In the words of one lady who, if not a Domme could certainly pass for one (Beverly Sills) "There are no shortcuts to any place worth going." I'd add, "And definitely don't waste your time wandering down roads that don't even go in the same direction."

FLsubmalecd -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/21/2006 6:18:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subtoFemDommes quote: ORIGINAL: subCDswfl But i am sure the love was there between us until whatever snapped Her into wanting out. Since we could never be together full time, maybe it is for the best. quote: i need love along wiht my total submission to jus one deserving Woman. What's my odds of ever finding Her? It does sound to me as if there was some degree of ambivalence in how what each of you wanted and thought you had was communicated. It doesn't sound like a relationship of "three years" where you only "saw each other twice" is what you are looking for. Whatever the odds are, the only way to increase them is to be clear of what you want, communicate that upfront without any ambiguity (which your profile does seem to do) and don't compromise or waste time once you understand that's not what someone else is looking for. I feel a lot of the moaning about the bad odds of finding the Domme who suits you, ignores how much time people spend pursuing those who obviously won't, in either the heat of a need unmet, or the deluded belief that someone will compromise their values to suit our own. Like you, I knew what I needed and knew I'd rather just be alone than get involved with a Domme who wasn't looking for a deep, abiding love. But I wouldn't have spent 3 years involved without a greater certainty that She wanted the same thing. In the words of one lady who, if not a Domme could certainly pass for one (Beverly Sills) "There are no shortcuts to any place worth going." I'd add, "And definitely don't waste your time wandering down roads that don't even go in the same direction." Hello subtoFemme Dommes, Thank you for your response. And another thank you to your Mistress. I t does seem like you both have what I'm looking for. I wish you both years of love . Our only being together 2 times in 3 years was due to her business, her kids, the time being hard to get away from her home responsibilities etc. I was supposed to see her for the first time just after Christmas of 2004 when I told her that I "might" have a surprise and that I "might" be coming up to see her. I had to secure the time off work, get the airline tickets and tell my wife that I was going ( that's another sad story) She said she was so happy and excited that she could not think straight. That was Christmas eve. Well I arrived in her state the day after Christmas, staying with a mutual friend about 80 miles from her home. I tried e-mailing her, text messaging her, phone etc. to let her know I was there. I never got a response and was worried needless to say. I had all kinds of horrible thoughts going on in my head as to why she is not responding. Then The last day I was there, I got a text message on my cell phone. It said, " hi, on my way to hospital to pick up mom. She will respond when home, Sincerely curious XXXX ( her oldest son's name, age 20) So now panic set in as I knew her son had her cell phone and retrieved all my messages! To make a long story short, she never knew I was in her state until I was back home and she messaged me and I told her. She did not think I was serious about coming up and she was also rushed to the hospital Christmas eve. It took 20 minutes on the phone to calm her down and stop her crying, once she found out she missed me. So our first meeting was delayed yet another 6-7 months. As far as this relationship lasting 3 years, as I look back on it, I can only say that I was without a doubt very much in love with her. So each and every time we would plan to be together and then fail to materialize just keep me hopeful in knowing that some day it would happen. Hard to explain. But for starters she and I were both married. She still is. I am not. She at one time planned on leaving her husband and we talked about a life together. But then she had a hard time even thinking about breaking up her children's home. She without a doubt is a good mother. I even accepted that I might have to wait 7-8 years until her boys were grown and on their own. For the last year of our relationship, she made it clear that we will perhaps never be together 24/7 but would see each other maybe 6 times a year. I loved her so much I was ready to accept that and just maintain our daily contact via messenger and our play on webcam. As I type this, I can't believe I was so much in love that I was willing to accept that and live a separate life away from her. I was faithful to her up until the end. She even wanted me to start dating so I would at least have a normal sex life. now was I to believe that she offered and insisted on that due to her love and care for me, or perhaps that was the beginning of the end. Her realizing that our relationship was a dead end and that the mostly on-line only was not working for her anymore. I wish I knew for sure. I'd like to believe that there is still a special place in her heart for me even to this day. Maybe I'm being to much of a romantic to think that since I can't see anyone letting someone else go for their own good as she claimed. If she loved me as much as I know she did at one time, I'd think her selfishness would have not let that happen. It's complicated to say the least. I will never know what is in her heart or when things started changing. One day it was closing all IM's or e-mails with, "I love you...wamh..ats...and MORE xoxox", to "goodnight Baby, xoxo I caught her in several lies. Lies that maybe were her way of trying to make me let go of the intense love I had for her since I was not taking the hint or listening to her when she said that we will continue our D/s relationship but I needed to give up all hope of ever being a couple. There were even 2 breakups before the final blow where she got nasty and showed a side of her I still can't and won't believe she had. It is like I was dealign with a totally different person and not the loving sincere honest woman I feel in love with and left my wife for. So there you have it. So much in love that I made some very stupid decissons that changed my life and hurt a very good woman, my wife. But from all this I feel I have learned much. I now know what I want and need in the way of a Domme and more important, a mate for life. As someone put it, a good mix of vanilla and D/s. A strong mutual love. I thought I had it with my Mistress, but I was blind and acted from my heart and not my head. It's true!... Love is blind. And it is also very blinding. This almost killed me. I never hurt so much in my entire life. Lessons learned. So like you subtoFemmeDom, I will be alone rather then compromise what I know I need and want in the way of a loving bond. Thank you all for your responses and putting up with my rant. It is kind of therapeutic totell my story. Maybe it wil help others faced with this type of relationship.

FLsubmalecd -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/21/2006 6:24:07 AM)
Thank you LadyThorneRose, Nice to see that their really are Dommes that are looking for the same thing. Gives me hope. quote: ORIGINAL: LadyThornrose This topic is close to my heart. I am one of the "odd" ones looking for a soulmate: a long-term multi-faceted monogamous relationship that is a delicious blend of vanilla and D/s. I comfort myself with the fact that I may need a one in a million person, but that means there are 650,000 possibilities for me on this earth! From the sad stories that dozens of submissives have told me, I think it's worth waiting to find the blend you're looking for, rather than settling for an incomplete relationship and hoping it will change. I believe that people konw what they need to know about a relationship in the beginning. Most of us choose to ignore certain things or expect them to change. I think that's a mistake. I am the type of Domme that prefers masculine submissive men that CHOOSE to serve me, rather than making them into submissives. Due to personal circumstances I don't feel it's appropriate for me to actively seek anyone right now but I hope it will happen for me some day. In the meantime, I'm doing my best to satisfy my D/s desires in other ways, like reading the CMe message boards. :) Best wishes, subCDswfl, I really hope you'll find what you're looking for. Lady Thornrose Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.

FLsubmalecd -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/21/2006 6:37:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold I find Myself with a strong need to caution you. You have had a long distance, 3 years with only 2 live meets, relationship that is now over, and you feel like you need this again. Although you are being more practical now in your realization that LDR is not the best way to go, except as a shorter term transitonal phase, I find Myself worried about your definition of a D/s relationship. With only two live meets in three years, regardless of the amount of email and phone calls, you maintained a great deal of freedom during those three years. You will need to seriously think about your personal definition of and comfort level with D/s or M/s. A day to day, even live-in since that is what you appear to be seeking now, may be quite different from what you have experienced in the past. In answer to your question...yes it is possible. I seek that Myself. Patience. And welcome to the boards. GoddessDustyGold, I am not clear on your concern about definitionof a D/s relationship. I know exactly what that is an what I want. And as far as only the very limited meets in person, I can assure you, I was not that free. I conducted myself as if she was right here looking over my shoulder. My submission to her, my obeyng her every wish and order was carried out just as if we were together 24/7. I lived the D/s in my heart and mind 24/7. It was very real. I don't feel I had any freedom at all. I prided myself on being faithful, loyal, devoted and sincere in my submission to her. I honestly think I full well know what the real time 24/7 will be like. I have no wild idea or fantasy as to what it will be like. But the strongest componant I want and need is love. And when that love is mutual between a Domme and Her sub, they will work out the details of their unique daily interaction with rules ad limits. I am readsy for that beyond words. I have discovered that my only happiness is in pleasing my Mistress. It is through serving Her needs, wants, wishes and orders that I am the happiest I can be. I have this need to worship Her and make Her my reason for living. thak you for sharing Your thoughts and concerns Ma'am. I really appreciate Your input. And for fear of sounding like i am coming on to You, may i say that You are a very beautiful Woman. If I was so lucky to find......well She would be as feminine and as attractive as You Ma'am. My sincere compliments.

FLsubmalecd -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/21/2006 6:51:57 AM)
quote: In my experience, the more realistic a submissive's idea is about what a "loving relationship" is, the more likely he is to find it. What I often found were highly submissive men who could not integrate their submissive side into the relationship in a way that made it functional (for me -- it boiled down to incompatibility). Problems that were common included: * Him not being assertive enough and wanting to defer to me on everything (too submissive) * Him wanting more playtime and on his terms, rather than allowing me my space to let my urges drive things more naturally * My need for more socially outgoing men -- could not be shy, introverted or insecure * Him not being ambitious enough in his career or life goals The problem is that I wanted a boyfriend who was a man and carried all the natural, assertive tendencies of a traditional male boyfriend but who was completely ok with my sadistic desire and closet full of kinky toys. I also wanted a man that would generally defer to me but at least have an opinion (a strong one) and not be a push over or a yes man. Ms. AAkasha, I can see that it can be a problem with many sub males. As a sub male myself, I am turned off by those males that come across as ones that have little self respect and grovel at any and all Domme's feet. I am assertive. I will always respectfully speak my mind. That comes form my dominant vanilla social and business life. I have always been a leader that way. Wanting more play time? That is his being selfish. Maybe just a player. I am not shy or introverted or insecure in the least As for ambition I am! Have owned my own businesses i the past. I am always looking for a way to improve my life. I am anythihng but a pushover! Just enough of an oipinion that it might even get me punished from time to time! lol I guess what I am saying is outwardly, I am a typical manly man with all the competitive drives we are brought up to have. True, I am also a cross dresser, but believe me, no one woujdl ever suspect that of me in any social or business setting. But I have a feel for what You are saying. I think many a male sub or wanna be come off as wimps or are in fact wimps.( For a lack of a better term) Or they are into the D/s role for only their selfish sexual needs. I think we have all seen them. Ready to call any woman with a paddle or whip in her hand, "Mistress"

MochaMistress -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/21/2006 6:53:12 AM)
Finding a loving D/s relationship? That is what my search is for. I just need one masculine thinking submissive. It takes time to weed through the game players and find someone that meets my needs physically and mentally. Patience is needed because at times this can be very frustrating.

GoddessAlexia -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/21/2006 10:35:52 AM)
Absolutely love has to be involved in any S&M relationships, obviously it would have to be a different type of love, not a love which we know from a vanilla relationship. BDSM relationship should give mutual benefit for both Domme and a sub, it should also lead to a great trust and respect, only than such relationship can be successful.

pollux -> RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? (3/21/2006 11:21:47 AM)
I'm not a Domme, but I think this quote has some bearing on the question: Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other. Carl Jung, "On the Psychology of the Unconscious", 1917 Swiss psychologist (1875 - 1961) I"m not sure if I know enough to agree or disagree, but I tend to take Jung pretty seriously.

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