need help, advice, opinions, thoughts

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speeder -> need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 9:21:18 AM)
My wife has come into her own in the past year of who she really is being a sub or more so a slave. She sought out a Master and saw him for a few months but for some reason, he left her. Anyway, she searched and found another Master, moved him into our home (at the time she said he was a old friend. Turns out his wife put him out because he lost his job and couldnt find another) without even asking my thoughts or opinions. After a few months, the whole truth came out and she said she surrendered herself to him totally and he had 100% control over her and explained it in detail. He said he makes all decision, choices, etc for her including anything in the marital relationship, the household, her job, and her life as a whole. He siad he would not interfere in anything related to the marital relationship or household but was letting me know that he has that power and authority. I have a problem with it because controlling her like that and having that kind of power over her is controlling me as well. Due to circumstances, she asked him to move out, which he did. Things did not work out so he is working on going somewhere else. He has kept in touch with my wife and has said he could order her to take care of him however he said he would not to that. I have to point out that he does not have a job or any money and said he needs someone to take care of him. My wife says she loves both of us in different ways because each of us can give her things the other can not. I told her that I would be and do whatever she needs and/ or wants but she said that it is not in my personality to be a Master or Dom, because I am to vanilla and she doesnt want a part-time Master. I do not want to throw 14 years of marriage down the drain but dont know what to do. I need advice, thoughts, opinions, suggestions,etc to help me figure out what to do or where to go from here. There is more to the situation but its to much to explain here. I look forward to any responses and help.

kiwisub12 -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 9:29:08 AM)
Seems to me he ( the dominant male) says a lot of things - but when it came down to the wire, your wife choose you - she asked him to move out. And he did! So where does that leave you? Well, she is with you, and he isn't, so I'm thinking what you need is some marraige councelling - so the two of you can define what you each want. The nice thing about councelling is that the councellor acts as a mediator, keeping things nice and on track (very important). I think this problem is a bit more than any one person can handle alone. I do know a family where the kinky one is married to a vanilla male, and they have her kink partner living with them - and has done for years, so if this is something you are willing to look at, if it is the right three people, it can work sucessfully. It just pushes the boundaries of the term "family" a bit. :)

sexyred1 -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 9:32:33 AM)
Of course you cannot be a Dom to her since your profile states you are a submissive male. You need to figure out what you and your wife truly want in order to work out the situation. You say you are "too vanilla" but that is contradictory to your self identification as a sub male.

osf -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 9:41:45 AM)
isn't there a name for this? i get the impression he actually enjoys this could be wrong of course or,,,, he read the same story i did

LadyPact -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 10:00:10 AM)
Ok. Problem one that I see is the contradiction here: He said he makes all decision, choices, etc for her including anything in the marital relationship, the household, her job, and her life as a whole. He siad he would not interfere in anything related to the marital relationship or household but was letting me know that he has that power and authority. If her Master is out of work and influencing the finances of the household, he IS interfering in the marital relationship. All income, joint possessions that are involved in your marriage are half yours. From your post, I am assuming that this is a dynamic that exists solely between the two of them. Personally, I would see that as him attempting to control areas where he has no authority to do so because it's involving you and not just your wife. My best suggestion to you is that the three of you sit down and have a very long talk. The finances are probably not the only area where it is affecting you. You may not want to go into all of the details from the post, but there must be some other areas where there are unclear boundaries. These need to be worked out if the three of you are going to be successful and not just some or one of the parties involved.

speeder -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 10:00:41 AM)
I apologize for my profile. I tried to put the proper info in it and somehow erred and cannot figure out how to change it. I am not a submissive male. I am I guess a vanilla person that is doing their best to be understanding and support her getting what she needs but dont understand how someone can be a Master and have a slave when they cannot take care of themself. Sounds like a mind game

mnottertail -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 10:04:21 AM)
main page > edit profile use twisty box to move from submissive to dominant> scroll to bottom and update button, takes some time for it to permeate the servers, dont fuck with it for a bit. Also, on your profile you might want to mention that you aint at all intuitive of computers. LOL Ron

DarkSteven -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 10:10:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: speeder I am I guess a vanilla person that is doing their best to be understanding and support her getting what she needs but dont understand how someone can be a Master and have a slave when they cannot take care of themself. Sounds like a mind game Sit her down. Tell her that you're the man she chose. Tell her to quit throwing herself at losers just because they call themselves Master. Then spank the bejeesus out of her for the crap she's pulling. If you can do the above (and I sure as heck wouldn't have any problem doing it), then you're on the road to getting her back on track. To answer your question - a Master is one who is comfortable in control, and can extend that control past themselves to control another in addition to themselves. What you saw was a blowhard/parasite. There IS a difference.

mnottertail -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 10:15:34 AM)
I am with Steve all the way, and yes Virginia it IS A MIND GAME (well a state of mind anyway) Be there, or be square. The largest sex organ is the mind, the part of the body that has the largest ratio of increase and decrease in size is the eys shutter.....its all in the countenance, bud. What the mind Conceives and Believes the mind can Achieve. (CBA) ABC = Always Be Closing, you dont need know any more alphabet than that. Just do it. Think that over........ Ron

aphatjohnson -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 10:17:46 AM)
My advice would be to first protect your bank account so he can't get at any of your money. Being married that's a tough thing to do, but I'd do whatever is necessary to make it impossible for your wife to clean out your money and savings and give it to him. If he says he has ultimate power, he'll be pissed off at getting the boot and will try to get at your money. Then I would try to work it out with the wife. If she has lied to you and brought him into your home under false pretenses you have some very serious issues with the wife. The way she handled moving him in is a huge red flag and may signal that she just can't be trusted and you may want to think about ending things. Before doing that I'd go to therapy, she has some serious disrespect for your marriage and you. Those are issues that need to be worked out if the marriage will last.

speeder -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 10:19:54 AM)
that is something I will consider however, I believe there has to be a 50/50 understanding between he and I and not all me giving and conceding to everything

mnottertail -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 10:22:37 AM)
risk reward action consequence equity equal equitable In my relations, the girl sucks 100% of the cock. I take out 60% of the garbage. I order done 100% of the time She obeys 100% of the time she does 90% of the cooking 50/50........thanks (dont bother adding and dividing just work out a number that feels that way)

sexyred1 -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 10:34:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: speeder I apologize for my profile. I tried to put the proper info in it and somehow erred and cannot figure out how to change it. I am not a submissive male. I am I guess a vanilla person that is doing their best to be understanding and support her getting what she needs but dont understand how someone can be a Master and have a slave when they cannot take care of themself. Sounds like a mind game Don't apologize, you can always fix your profile. I feel for your situation, but as I have said and others have said, you really do need to sit down with your wife to hash this out. I agree with you; a Master/Dominant does need to have some control over themselves, at least the elements of life that they can control. Good luck.:)

MsLadySue -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 10:35:43 AM)
I think DarkSteven has given you the best advice. Show your wife who is boss in the household in a manner she can relate to.

ValyraenAndAqua -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 11:14:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven quote: ORIGINAL: speeder I am I guess a vanilla person that is doing their best to be understanding and support her getting what she needs but dont understand how someone can be a Master and have a slave when they cannot take care of themself. Sounds like a mind game Sit her down. Tell her that you're the man she chose. Tell her to quit throwing herself at losers just because they call themselves Master. Then spank the bejeesus out of her for the crap she's pulling. I'm in favor of this. If you can't do it, pull your half of the money out of any funds she can access and put it into accounts with only your name. Tell her it stays that way till she finds a responsible master who won't seek to have control over the marriage and money. When your wife submits to a master, things are complicated by the fact that she is married. As much as she submits to him, she still has to retain the power to protect her relationship with you. You need to feel confident that she will do that. You also need to be confident that this man won't even try to interfer with your life. I don't know the actual situation but I got the impression from the post that this guy was dangling it over your head that he could. To me, that's unacceptable behavior in any sort of multi-person dynamic. It might do your wife some good to start getting on the forums herself or socializing admist poly and kinky people. - Aqua

Acer49 -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 11:36:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: speeder My wife has come into her own in the past year of who she really is being a sub or more so a slave. She sought out a Master and saw him for a few months but for some reason, he left her. Anyway, she searched and found another Master, moved him into our home (at the time she said he was a old friend. Turns out his wife put him out because he lost his job and couldnt find another) without even asking my thoughts or opinions. After a few months, the whole truth came out and she said she surrendered herself to him totally and he had 100% control over her and explained it in detail. He said he makes all decision, choices, etc for her including anything in the marital relationship, the household, her job, and her life as a whole. He siad he would not interfere in anything related to the marital relationship or household but was letting me know that he has that power and authority. I have a problem with it because controlling her like that and having that kind of power over her is controlling me as well. Due to circumstances, she asked him to move out, which he did. Things did not work out so he is working on going somewhere else. He has kept in touch with my wife and has said he could order her to take care of him however he said he would not to that. I have to point out that he does not have a job or any money and said he needs someone to take care of him. My wife says she loves both of us in different ways because each of us can give her things the other can not. I told her that I would be and do whatever she needs and/ or wants but she said that it is not in my personality to be a Master or Dom, because I am to vanilla and she doesnt want a part-time Master. I do not want to throw 14 years of marriage down the drain but dont know what to do. I need advice, thoughts, opinions, suggestions,etc to help me figure out what to do or where to go from here. There is more to the situation but its to much to explain here. I look forward to any responses and help. I will give her the benefit of the doubt that she had your blessing to search out the first Dom. I would also give her the benefit of the doubt that her second dom was also with your approval. My question would be, why she felt the need to have to lie to you about the true nature of relationship and the extent of her submission to him. In my book, you don't lie to your partner at anytime for any reason. If you can't trust your partner to be honest with you, Your marriage appears to have been reduced to simply two people cohabitating in a joint area. She has made it perfectly clear she wants a full time dominant and I am guessing similar to last one and she does not see you as that person. So, if this has any chance of working, you and the potential dominant need to sit down and work out the ground rules as to the extent of his power over her. The dominant need to know that things that are considered aspects of the primary relationship are not within his scope of authority, her, job, health issues, family matters and finances to name a few. If he can't handle your conditions, he needs to seek out someone else who is not attached to another.

DarkSteven -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 1:54:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: speeder that is something I will consider however, I believe there has to be a 50/50 understanding between he and I and not all me giving and conceding to everything Bullshit. You're the husband and your wife is yours, dammit. You have a right to tell this clown to get the hell out. You financed him eating your food and playing with your wife already. To say you owe him nothing understates it. Just because you've rolled over before doesn't mean you still need to. 50-50? Try 100-0 and he's the zero.

JBGolden -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 2:09:07 PM)
I've got to concur with Steven. You say your wife brought him in without your knowledge? Doesn't mean there has to be an understanding if he's an asshole about it unless you just want to roll over and accept it.

DrkJourney -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 2:37:40 PM)
Combination of just about all...especially Steven and johnson. First and foremost....move your money so that your wife can't touch it. If she works then have two accounts and if she wants to give money to a loser that's her thing, but at least, hopefully you won't be homeless. And if she doesn't work, then open your own account any way and give her an allowance. No need to consider feelings in the respect, times are hard and even harder when you are living in your car because your wife has given everything to this guy. To make you feel better about it, did she consider your feelings when she moved the guy into your home on a lie? Seems mean, but you need to protect your household first. Second, ok, so you agree that she can have a Master....then help her pick one...definitely dump this one...he sounds like a major manipulator and loads of trouble...no telling what his whole background is. He wants to mooch, and that can lead to nothing but trouble, besides I look on it as a threat or at the very least a taunt about how he can come in and take over you home or marriage any time he wants...as others have said he is dominating you as well. I would looking into one of the kink counselors in your area if you want to save this marriage, you two need to do some serious talking and lay down some serious ground rules. Or the next time she moves someone in you might not be as lucky. Sorry just seen something simular before, and it turned into a terrible situation....that's why I say first and foremost protect your finances and your home. Hope it works out for you.

LadyPact -> RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts (1/1/2010 2:39:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven quote: ORIGINAL: speeder that is something I will consider however, I believe there has to be a 50/50 understanding between he and I and not all me giving and conceding to everything Bullshit. You're the husband and your wife is yours, dammit. You have a right to tell this clown to get the hell out. You financed him eating your food and playing with your wife already. To say you owe him nothing understates it. Just because you've rolled over before doesn't mean you still need to. 50-50? Try 100-0 and he's the zero. If you're saying the OP is the one giving all and the other male is contributing nothing in return to the OP, I'd say you were right. What the wife receives from the other male (control, ability to express her submission, etc) doesn't really apply except for the OP's desire that his wife be happy. However, I don't know if the bend her over and spank her to show her the OP's in charge will necessarily work. Sure, it's what you would do or what I would do because <shrug> we ARE Dominant. It might not be so easy for the OP and if the wife doesn't see him as a Dominant individual, it might go over like a lead balloon. It could work. It might not. OP, I am very sorry, but I do not chat with folks from the site that I do not know. My invitation is still open to attempt to help if you would like to do it here or through CM mail.

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