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A new dom - 1/2/2010 4:26:30 AM

realtime62

Posts: 28
Joined: 1/2/2010
Status: offline

Hi

I've only recently realized that I have a concrete interest in a d/s lifestyle (as a dom), and I'd love to hear from some subs whether a dom being inexperienced is a definite no go.

I'm not expecting anyone to just sign their life away to me, but I would love to meet some people to chat about their lifestyle, explore whether we connect, and find out whether it fulfills me, and I don't want to lie about my newness. My fear is that the idea of an inexperienced/dom is almost a contradiction in terms.

Thanks for the feedback

RT

Post #: 1

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 4:37:07 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

Trust your instincts and focus on the things that you find appealing in the beginning (that list will grow).
You'll be more confident if you work within your comfort zone to start. As your confidence grows so will your desire to explore.
Have fun and keep a rational mind. Just the fact that you don't have the know it all attitude is a great start.

_____________________________

(in reply to realtime62)

Post #: 2

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 4:46:43 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

You are going to get a ton of different answers. In the end though, there are some basic realities. For some people, it is going to be a no-go. However, that is just some people and the fact that you don't have experience is only going to be changed by you getting out there and getting experience.

For me, personally, it's not a problem at all. My owner was completely inexperienced when we got together. We clicked, things just worked between us so I was willing to take a gamble - he didn't even really identify as a dominant for about the first six-months of our relationship and wasn't sure if he'd ever be comfortable owning me.

Being an inexperienced dom isn't a contradiction in terms at all. No dominant (at least none that I know) were born holding onto a flogger. My best advice is to own that you are new, get out there as much as you can, realize that you will be turned down by some people due to your inexperience but that everyone gets turned down for something. Hang around on the forums, read and socialize at munches to soak up everything you can. And, of course, have fun.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to realtime62)

Post #: 3

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 5:04:46 AM

robertolapiedra

Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline

Hello realtime62. ''If'' you go slow, stay honest, are not fantasy obsessed nor driven and see kink as fun you should not have any problems. If you don't want to make heavy mistakes, communication is a must, no surprises in the beginning. If your sub is not submitting to your liking you cannot obtain anything by overpowering or being overly dominant. The sub is responsible for the quality of her submission not you, and he/she is not responsible for the quality of your leadership. Like in dance, you lead only, your partner must want to follow and dance the same dance.

If it is fun for you and your partner, this is the best environment for exploration. Finally don't go ''uber'' and expect subs to fall on their knees, unless you want an online only relationship. Just my opinion. RL.

(in reply to realtime62)

Post #: 4

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 5:07:49 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Join a group.

The local groups have seminars on the techniques of several aspects of BDSM, and also have play parties. Go to one and watch (do NOT talk to anyone in a session until it's over!) and speak to those whose style you admire. Ask them to show you how it's done.

Note that the above covers play techniques. There's also the behavioral aspect of simply being in control and making decisions for another. Simply watch others doing it, and you'll feel more comfortable in that role.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 5

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 6:47:11 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: realtime62

Hi

I've only recently realized that I have a concrete interest in a d/s lifestyle (as a dom), and I'd love to hear from some subs whether a dom being inexperienced is a definite no go.

I'm not expecting anyone to just sign their life away to me, but I would love to meet some people to chat about their lifestyle, explore whether we connect, and find out whether it fulfills me, and I don't want to lie about my newness. My fear is that the idea of an inexperienced/dom is almost a contradiction in terms.

Thanks for the feedback

RT

where you're going aint easy

be prepared to fuck up a few times till you get it figured out

some may dispute this, but we're pretty much islands, pretty much on our own to learn

< Message edited by osf -- 1/2/2010 6:56:49 AM >

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to realtime62)

Post #: 6

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 6:50:51 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline

There will be some for whom it will be an issue and others who will find it a bonus. Plus you have a couple of other things going for you namely that cute baby face and your sense of humour (I enjoyed reading your profile

)

all the best .... like others have said, take it slow, go to classes to learn technical things and safety aspects and most of all have fun

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to realtime62)

Post #: 7

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 7:52:53 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

My biggest "concern" when i'm approached by a Dom with little experience is that he hasn't figured out yet what his style is, what he wants, and what really turns him on. And the only way he's going to figure that out is with experience - and time.

So he may think he wants a slave now, because the idea seems really hot, but once he realizes that it is actually a lot of work and responsibility, he may change his mind. And that's ok, there's a spoon for every pot, so to speak. But it's an emotional roller coaster that i'm just not able to ride anymore, especially at this stage in my life, where i am very aware of what i am, and what i need, and am very happy with that, and am seeking someone the same.

So is it a "no go?" Well it would be for me. But there are lots of women out there for whom it wouldn't be. Finding someone who is learning and experiencing herself would be one way, or finding someone who's very experienced who's willing to "teach" you (i know many Doms who started this way) both are ways to go. i mean, everyone has to learn somewhere, right? And please, much better to be honest as you are rather than try to portray yourself as more experienced - that eventually gets found out and it isn't fun.

All that said, gosh, the Ramones and Johnny Cash.......that can make up for a lot of inexperience.

Hee hee!

Good luck to you.

julie

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to wandersalone)

Post #: 8

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 7:59:45 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

My biggest "concern" when i'm approached by a Dom with little experience is that he hasn't figured out yet what his style is, what he wants, and what really turns him on. And the only way he's going to figure that out is with experience - and time.

So he may think he wants a slave now, because the idea seems really hot, but once he realizes that it is actually a lot of work and responsibility, he may change his mind. And that's ok, there's a spoon for every pot, so to speak. But it's an emotional roller coaster that i'm just not able to ride anymore, especially at this stage in my life, where i am very aware of what i am, and what i need, and am very happy with that, and am seeking someone the same.

So is it a "no go?" Well it would be for me. But there are lots of women out there for whom it wouldn't be. Finding someone who is learning and experiencing herself would be one way, or finding someone who's very experienced who's willing to "teach" you (i know many Doms who started this way) both are ways to go. i mean, everyone has to learn somewhere, right? And please, much better to be honest as you are rather than try to portray yourself as more experienced - that eventually gets found out and it isn't fun.

All that said, gosh, the Ramones and Johnny Cash.......that can make up for a lot of inexperience. Hee hee!

Good luck to you.

julie

the question is experienced at what, dungeon play?

that's the easy stuff to learn, what is hard is to learn what makes you tick and what makes the type of women you want tick

you almost have to understand her better than she doe's herself to be able to lead her

she is going to be looking to you to make decisions for her so you'd better be good at it

that's the hard part to learn, and that takes time, lots of time and unfortunately a few failed relationships

if you want you want a good place to start i suggest masters and slaves together MAST a national org with local chapters

http://www.mast.net/

< Message edited by osf -- 1/2/2010 8:03:01 AM >

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to UniqueRaven)

Post #: 9

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 8:03:57 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

Exactly. i'm not talking about "dungeon" experience (even though he should learn safety and all that ), i'm talking about relationship experience. As i mentioned, many men want slaves and then realize they're not cut out for it with all the work and responsibility he takes on for her mind and emotions and other things outside the bedroom. And that's ok, nothing wrong with that - everyone is wired differently, and figuring that out is a big part of the fun of the journey.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to osf)

Post #: 10

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 8:07:05 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

and a deep seated desire to really control a woman, not may men have that desire

you almost have to dedicate your life to studying her

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to UniqueRaven)

Post #: 11

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 8:30:12 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Depends on what you mean by "inexperienced".
Anyone can swing a whip. Really doesn't matter to me how much experience some guy has with toys and tools.
But not everyone knows how to lead. For me you are either a leader or you are not. If I can't follow you then you may want to think twice about what you call yourself.

(in reply to osf)

Post #: 12

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 8:36:56 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Find somebody new who also wants to explore. In the meantime read books and take workshops. Inexperience is fine, ignorant is not.

Into rope? Practice your tying on pillows.
Impact play? Hang playing cards on a line and learn how to hit exactly where you are aiming, every time.

Learn as much safety info as you can. You don't want to learn about nerve damage by causing it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 13

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 12:29:08 PM

LadyChallene

Posts: 207
Joined: 5/18/2009
Status: offline

Pssst! At one point or another in every Dom/me's life ... they too were unexperienced. Some obtained experience through everyday life. Some obtained it online and didn't use it in real life until sometime later when they felt a bit more confident.

If you think it might be an 'issue' then state in your profile that you are are new-ish and are seeking the like or those who are not bothered by it.

Best of luck and wishes,

Lady Challene

_____________________________

Heads I win, tails you lose.
Will that squeak if I squeeze it?
I hate torturing people, but I'm really, really good at it.

(in reply to realtime62)

Post #: 14

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 2:37:46 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf
some may dispute this, but we're pretty much islands, pretty much on our own to learn

Yeah... I'm gonna dispute that 100 percent. When Valyraen and I began attending munches at 21, there were plenty of older, experienced dominants/masters who were more than happy to sit down and discuss things and give tips with him. Before that, there were my own friends who taught him how to make a rope harness and gave him tips on flogging and just BEING in control. Some of whom had even played with me frequently in the past and so could give him "cheats". Frikkin' traitors...

Maybe in your experience this has never happened to you, but if a dominant reaches out there are those willing to help and teach. I know this first-hand.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 1/2/2010 2:41:16 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to osf)

Post #: 15

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 2:37:53 PM

Wolf2Bear

Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: realtime62

Hi

I've only recently realized that I have a concrete interest in a d/s lifestyle (as a dom), and I'd love to hear from some subs whether a dom being inexperienced is a definite no go.

I'm not expecting anyone to just sign their life away to me, but I would love to meet some people to chat about their lifestyle, explore whether we connect, and find out whether it fulfills me, and I don't want to lie about my newness. My fear is that the idea of an inexperienced/dom is almost a contradiction in terms.

Thanks for the feedback

RT

Regards of our role, we all start off wet behind the ears and as we learn we grow. In my mind, if there is a worthwhile mutual compatibility between myself and the other person, the level of BDSM experience is moot point. It is the journey of exploring together which is the most fun.

_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

(in reply to realtime62)

Post #: 16

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 2:56:36 PM

sofuntoplay

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/13/2009
Status: offline

You sound honest, i think the best way to go is be yourself and be honest, but be careful too, there are all types on here pretending to be something they aren't, looking to scam, con, hurt.

(in reply to Wolf2Bear)

Post #: 17

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 3:03:40 PM

realtime62

Posts: 28
Joined: 1/2/2010
Status: offline

Thanks for all the kind and wise words everyone, just what I was hoping to hear and a great intro to some very interesting profiles.

I've started sending messages out to local subs, looking to start slow with some chatting then some coffee, and I'm going to look into local munches.

(in reply to sofuntoplay)

Post #: 18

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 3:27:16 PM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

Hi Realtime and welcome to the boards.
I think you have been given some sound advice.
Although practicing your skills as a Dominant will hopefully improve them, I don't believe it necessarily has to be learnt.
Munches and workshops can teach you the basics of action based stuff but I have never yet seen a good workshop on the mental aspects behind Domination.
You really don't need to know how a Dominants mind works. You need to know how a submissive one does and although every mind is different, there does tend to be some common traits.
A good way to learn, though it may drive you nuts, is to read some short stories on historical romances where the poor maiden falls in love with the cruel Master of the house

I honestly believe that submissive women write these books and it gives a good incite into how the submissive mind works.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to realtime62)

Post #: 19

RE: A new dom - 1/2/2010 3:52:56 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

A good way to learn, though it may drive you nuts, is to read some short stories on historical romances where the poor maiden falls in love with the cruel Master of the house
I honestly believe that submissive women write these books and it gives a good incite into how the submissive mind works.

Hey... the master isn't always cruel!

(Actually I have a HUGE collection of historical romance novels (surprise, surprise, right?) and I always hated the "cruel master" ones. I've got a nice long list of suggestions of "Sometimes I'm an asshole but still an awesome guy" ones though...

)

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 20

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