When Y/you aren't the one chosen

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

When Y/you aren't the one chosen

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> When Y/you aren't the one chosen

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 5:29:49 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

I was going to post this in the submissive section, but then had a duh moment as I realized this happens to Dominants/submissives/slaves alike--(I am not the perfect Domme and do have duhDomme moments---I digress)---as many of you know, I have been open about finding and embracing My boy--but along the way, the journey hasn't been all peaches and cream--I have been rejected and I have rejected---the most recent blow ( given all My openness) has been to two past submissives---one who thought we would just keep "bumping along" and another who asked " Mistress, tell Me how to be a better pet" to which I replied, "you are a good pet, you just weren't right for Me"--so it brings Me to what I hope will be a long learning thread:

Dominants--our "arrogance" takes a beating when we get rejected, toyed with etc. How do you feel, respond, learn?

Submissives--when you are not the one chosen--how do you feel, respond, learn?

I hope this will not be a post filled with "that's life move on"--but one that speaks to the differences the lifestyle brings to the table, because I do believe that many of U/us approach relationships a tad differently here in the life than we do "out there".

Flame suit ready and trusubs coffee well in hand--

<edited because My damn b key keeps sticking>

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 3/21/2006 5:31:31 AM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

Post #: 1

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 5:38:26 AM

HentaiGamerKitty

Posts: 131
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

To me, being turned down by a dominant is no different than being turned down by a vanilla man..it proves to me that he's a person of questionable taste and therefore not worth my time! Life is too short to measure happiness by whether or not others reject us. So if someone I'm into rejects me, I say "screw it" and go do something that makes me happy. I visit my family, take myself to the movies, go to dinner with my best friend, go ride my horses, etc. There is just SO much more to life than men that it's really not worth worrying over. I figure eventually the right one will wander into my path.

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 2

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 5:38:38 AM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

I knew you liked Fire Play MH, no wonder your so Hot!
For myself, I have a denfensive wall that is very difficult to penetrate. I will grow close to someone, but won't let them all the way in for a very long time. Once I drop my defenses, they are in and I am now vulnerable, but I will only do this for the right person and it will occur over time, not over night. In the meantime as I experience rejection or unrecpricated gestures and feelings, it tends not to smarts, because I've already prepared my self for it, which is part of my defense mechanism. I dunno, if this is good or bad, but it works for me.
Fastlane looks around for his lighter...C'mon MH, lets play!

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 3

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 5:53:19 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

You go home, nurse your wounds, gripe to friends, and move on.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 4

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 5:58:18 AM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

When i'm not the one chosen, no matter the reason, it hurts - if only for a little while - although it's usually my pride rather than my heart. i can't imagine that anyone likes to be rejected, and heaven knows i don't like doing it, but i have. Oftentimes it's just a matter of "not being right" for him or me or each other, no matter how much i wish it were otherwise. The learning has come, for me, in doing what i know i should do without putting it off or running away. If i sense that a relationship is just "bumping along" i'm more likely to be the one to call things off, because to me that's settling for less than i need or want in a relationship. my marriage was one in which we both "settled" and it's not something i'll do again. One of the hardest parts of looking for a partner has been, for me, the way people just disappear from the radar. i'd rather hear that they're just not interested or it doesn't click, or we want different things (all things i've said to others, btw), than the silence, but that's a fact of life too, and something i'm learning to live with. Unfortunately it is life, and i do move on, but more often than not it still stinks. i used to think that if someone would just tell me "why" they didn't want me i could change "that" part of me and become a better sub, woman, person. The grown up part of my brain knows it doesn't work that way, but that doesn't stop the thoughts or the hurt.

my response to the rejection has almost always been a quiet one, simply because i hate the alternative. i don't write back begging for a second chance, or respond in anger. i may inwardly want to toss something at them..lol.. or pout, or on very rare occasions cry, but those are done when i'm alone.

And..if all else fails, i go shopping..lol..

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

I was going to post this in the submissive section, but then had a duh moment as I realized this happens to Dominants/submissives/slaves alike--(I am not the perfect Domme and do have duhDomme moments---I digress)---as many of you know, I have been open about finding and embracing My boy--but along the way, the journey hasn't been all peaches and cream--I have been rejected and I have rejected---the most recent blow ( given all My openness) has been to two past submissives---one who thought we would just keep "bumping along" and another who asked " Mistress, tell Me how to be a better pet" to which I replied, "you are a good pet, you just weren't right for Me"--so it brings Me to what I hope will be a long learning thread:

Dominants--our "arrogance" takes a beating when we get rejected, toyed with etc. How do you feel, respond, learn?

Submissives--when you are not the one chosen--how do you feel, respond, learn?

I hope this will not be a post filled with "that's life move on"--but one that speaks to the differences the lifestyle brings to the table, because I do believe that many of U/us approach relationships a tad differently here in the life than we do "out there".

Flame suit ready and trusubs coffee well in hand--

<edited because My damn b key keeps sticking>

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 5

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 5:59:16 AM

jennalynn

Posts: 67
Joined: 3/17/2006
Status: offline

i think about it for awhile, really digest it, than i realize i was just not the right person for Him and move on.

The lesson....... There may be One out there for me, He just was not Him.

jenna

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 6

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 6:01:00 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

You look at the relationship. You look at yourself. You look at the other person. You attempt to figure out motivations. You attempt to figure out what was truly going on.

You begin to heal, you move on.

edited for spelling.

< Message edited by KatyLied -- 3/21/2006 6:02:01 AM >

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to jennalynn)

Post #: 7

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 6:08:45 AM

sunshine333

Posts: 203
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline

Mistress Hathor ...

i wish you had added one more question ... how does a it feel to be the one to do the "rejecting"?

as a slave, i find it the hardest position to be in to be the one to end a relationship. there is nothing satisfying about disempowering a dominant ... even if you no longer like them. i find it extremely difficult to take back my power in that way and would almost prefer to be the one turned away.

when i am not the one chosen ... i allow it to hurt because that's what happens naturally. nobody wants to be rejected. i seem to get over that hurt very quickly though because i'd much rather be rejected that stuck in a situation that doesn't work.

we choose how we relate to rejection. i choose to not look at it as some horrible thing. i choose to not look at it in terms of me being inadequate. people are either well suited for each other or not. it's simple. i try not to overcomplicate the process.

humbly,
sunshine

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 8

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 6:16:05 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

<smiles>, well stated sunshine, perhaps you can start a thread about "rejection"--that is a whole topic in itself--

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to sunshine333)

Post #: 9

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 6:23:26 AM

valeca

Posts: 403
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Submissives--when you are not the one chosen--how do you feel, respond, learn?

Feel--hurts like a bitch. I felt sick, worthless and alone.

Respond--I wallowed in my hurt for a few days, allowed the feelings to have their moment, then picked myself out of the pity gutter and lived my life...because I had to.

Learn--That I'm not everyone's ideal, but that I have traits, good and bad, that someone will eventually appreciate and want. I learned to look at things with a more (note: 'more', not 'entirely') objective eye and see where I could have improved. I learned to identify those things that were neither the fault of Him or I, things that couldn't be improved upon, but were still detrimental to our relationship...the parts of us that wouldn't jive no matter how much we tried. I also learned a wee bit of patience.

I can now look back at those failed relationships, even the painful parts, with a touch of fondness, and know that they helped bring me to where I am now...married to, and serving, the Man of my dreams.

_____________________________

~valeca, Owned and Operated by Loraith.

(in reply to fastlane)

Post #: 10

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 7:00:53 AM

subrob1967

Posts: 4591
Joined: 9/13/2004
Status: offline

I'd say it depends on how close I became to the S/O. If we were still in the get to know you phase, I'd be a little hurt, but probably would have a clue that it wasn't going to work, and move on.

If it was after being in the relationship, and the S/O was only using me until another choice came along, then I'd be severly hurt.

(in reply to valeca)

Post #: 11

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 7:10:39 AM

justatoy2

Posts: 163
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

One thing that i feel is important when rejected is to take a look at onesself. So often we are so quick to play victim and blame everything on the other person. Its important to evaluate what role you had in why this person rejected you. It could be as simple as you just were not their cup of tea, and nothing you did or didn't do would have changed that. Its so true that you can be a wonderful submissive or a wonderful Dominant but just not be right for that person. When i am rejected, unless the person was a complete ass about it, i usually chalk it up to that i wasn't right for that person and move on rather quickly. If it was an actually relationship i was in, and got rejected well that takes some more time to get over....Usually i get mad, cry a bit..whine to my friends (lucky to have wonderful friends), and then, as one of my very good friends says, move to "moving on" island.

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 12

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 7:26:54 AM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

Rejection teaches self reliance. You either learn self reliance or you crumble on the inside.

I always tell myself that I'm not in control of the results, but only how I go about trying to reach them.

Still, I'm not a machine, and yes, rejection can lead to wallowing, self pity, and discouragement, but in the end one has no choice but to shake off these setbacks (I try to use a dose of humor in the process) and move on.

It is important to feel the disappointment and unhappiness that go with a stinging rejection --- i.e. to let the hurt in b/c living through this is is our own human growth process. Walling out the negative: blaming the other, cursing life, denial, giving up --- these formulas just stop you from living.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 3/21/2006 7:30:17 AM >

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 13

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 7:39:21 AM

BrianSenior

Posts: 88
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

I tend to stay to stay near friends, the few I have. When somthing happens good or bad the circle I have is very comforting and responsive. There has only been one time, thus far, that My guard was down enough to were I was truly hurt. My friends were there for Me to let off the steam, learned from it. ~BK~

(in reply to cloudboy)

Post #: 14

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 7:43:17 AM

Sensualips

Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

one has no choice but to shake off these setbacks (I try to use a dose of humor in the process) and move on.

I am glad to see humor mentioned. I enjoy looking at the absurd comedy of situations, especially those that are painful or unpleasant. My friends joke that when life is going too smoothly, I run out of material. Thank goodness that rarely occurs.

(in reply to cloudboy)

Post #: 15

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 8:14:38 AM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

Dominants--our "arrogance" takes a beating when we get rejected, toyed with etc. How do you feel, respond, learn?

Excellent question MH, thank you.

Since I came to Nashville and began looking again for submissives, hoping to eventually find one live in boy, I have met with many boys and taken on several subs. I've even offered and given a training collar which was returned to me after several months.

Currently I have two subs that I call mine, two that I'm getting to know, and a few that I'm planning to meet with over the following months. Why so many? Because I know that most likely none of them will be the one I'm looking for, and if one of them happens to be then I will thin out the current numbers and concentrate on him. I also know that I may not be what they are looking for. I bring a few things to the table that many subs are not prepared for or do not desire in a partner.

In most cases I know on the first meeting whether or not there is or will be the chemistry that I feel is necessary. If that's not there, we aren't going any farther and I've never "felt" anything upon or after learning this. In the instances that we've gone farther and one of us has decided that things just aren't working...there have been some feelings...

1) Sub and I have talked, met, spent time together and we have our first play session. I need to know his pain tolerance and we move through a few toys maintaining discussion about the level of pain inflicted. He asks for a break, we stop and sit, he begins to tell me that he wishes me a nice life, grabs his clothes and is hopping into his jeans as he falls out my front door. My thoughts and feelings? WTF WAS THAT??????? wow!!!

2) Sub and I have spent every day together for a week, he's sweet and a good sub but I'm not feeling the chemistry anymore. I plan to have a discussion about feelings on Monday when he comes at the time we've set. Monday comes and he doesn't show up or call. I never hear from him again. My thoughts and feelings? He probably felt the same void that I did and just didn't have the desire to discuss it. Closure would have been nice, but this is fine too.

3) Sub wears My training collar for 2 months and comes to me to say that he can no longer be a part of My family. He gives Me his reasons and asks for release from My collar. W/we talk and decide to ponder O/our souls for a week and talk again. One week later, the boy is steadfast in his desire to be in a monogamous relationship, and I release him from My collar. My thoughts? Oh boy, I was broken hearted and still am a little sad. He was a wonderful sub, I loved him and I wish him well. I had to think long and hard about the choices I've made and the way that I wish to express my sexuality as well as the ways that I want to experience and give love.

I searched deep into the depths of my soul as to whether or not I wanted to go through that hurt and pain again. The answer was and is yes. Great love is worth the risk of great pain. Knowing him, and the friendship that followed and remains is certainly worth the pain that I experienced in losing him as a lover.

< Message edited by yourMissTress -- 3/21/2006 9:01:31 AM >

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 16

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 8:40:35 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

I searched deep into the depths of my soul as to whether or not I wanted to go through that hurt and pain again. The answer was and is yes. Great love is worth the risk of great pain. Knowing him, and the friendship that followed and remains is certainly worth the pain that I experienced in losing him as a lover.

Tress, you always speak in such marvelous sound bytes----as always incredible wisdom to live by.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 17

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 8:46:42 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

What an interesting question. i think it depends on how long the relationship has been evolving and HOW the rejection occurred. i have experienced some very crushing rejections before, and i think had the Doms handled it differently, i would not have been so crushed.

my Master continues to talk to other girls and occasionally worsk with them or considers them. i have mentioned before, he is not an easy one to please. He acts very casually when someone decides he is too much for them. But i believe he understands exactly what he wants, and does not bend from that. So if someone decides to turn away, he accepts it and moves on. This does not equate to unfeeling, however. When we first began conversing, he was in the process of releasing his former slave, and i knew it disturbed him, as he loved her a great deal.

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 18

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 8:50:30 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Depends on how close we were.

If its after one scene, shrug, say "cool" and nothing.

If its during or after training, the odds are that it won't surprise me so I smile, say "I hope you had a good learning experience" and move on. Odds are I learned a lot too.

But if we've moved beyond training into ownership, well, then basically its a broken heart I've suffered. I cry and cry. Turn to friends and family. Depending on the reason I may destroy all gifts they gave me and clear them from my life on all levels.

I survive; I always survive.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 19

RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen - 3/21/2006 8:53:05 AM

MsIncognito

Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

it proves to me that he's a person of questionable taste and therefore not worth my time!

So if someone just isn't that into you then their taste is questionable? Isn't that a rather giant leap? Isn't it possible that the two of you just aren't a good match rather than it being a flaw in the other person?

(in reply to HentaiGamerKitty)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> When Y/you aren't the one chosen

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094