Being pleasured/serviced turns me off!

Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (Full Version)

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Healed -> Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/4/2010 9:14:37 PM)
Hi all, I'm new here, although I have lurked on and off for a while. Apologies for a mostly blank profile. I've decided to finally sign up because I've reached a bit of a stumbling block in achieving a fulfilling relationship. I am a sub, young and inexperienced. I'm in the first serious relationship of my life with a partner who is vanilla but learning. Recently he's has made some real progress on the kink front and for the first time I am feeling fully engaged and connected and submissive during our activities... Except for the part where I get my orgasm. I say it that way because that's how it feels: a goal-oriented segment that happens separately from all of the sexy stuff. I haven't been able to orgasm from sex yet so for the moment we're relying on hands and tongue. And whenever he starts to focus on my pleasure it turns me right off. I'm very service-oriented, and all I can think is that we've got it the wrong way around; I don't want him to have to work for my pleasure. I can and do consistently orgasm from his hands but I almost always have to retreat to a private fantasy to escape from the present situation. The only exceptions have been after a week or two of denial, which is not a situation I'm ready to repeat very often. Escaping to fantasy is not a long term solution and I hate disconnecting myself in this way. On the other hand, I'm not ready to give up regular orgasms either; at this point the power exchange is too tenuous to subsist on his pleasure alone. How do other subs feel about being pleasured? And do you have any advice as to how to maintain a submissive connection with my partner while still getting in the orgasms I need? Thanks in advance! -Healed

antipode -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/4/2010 9:35:47 PM)
quote: Recently he's has made some real progress on the kink front and for the first time I am feeling fully engaged and connected and submissive during our activities You're an inexperienced sub, your partner is vanilla - reading your posting I get the feeling this is a lab report. He is vanilla but "making progress on the kink front" - are you putting a square peg in a round hole? If there is one thing I do not get out of what you write, it is that you are submissive, or even "engaged". The sense I get is that you are manipulative, and coming here to ask for help in getting even better at manipulating him, and yourself. Your language analyzes, is devoid of emotion. Your profile is equally empty. You haven't been able to orgasm from sex yet? That is most likely because you cannot relinguish control. And your partner probably lacks both the experience and the desire to take it away from you...

sexyred1 -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/4/2010 9:45:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Healed How do other subs feel about being pleasured? And do you have any advice as to how to maintain a submissive connection with my partner while still getting in the orgasms I need? Thanks in advance! -Healed This sentence simply boggles my mind. I don't get it, really. You seem to be complaining that your partner wants you to get off. Are you saying you have less respect for him that wants you to feel pleasure or that you feel his particular way of getting you off is interfering with your construct of your particular dynamic with him?

sweetsub1957 -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/4/2010 10:31:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Healed How do other subs feel about being pleasured? And do you have any advice as to how to maintain a submissive connection with my partner while still getting in the orgasms I need? Actually. I feel very grateful and very lucky. And it was not at all hard to feel submissive when He tied me down to the bed and gave me no choice. It was hawt!! [:D] Just a thought.....are you sure that he even really wants to be kinky? If he doesn't, trying to make him be kinky is not going to work any more than him trying to make you be 'nilla.....

GYPSYMAMBO -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/4/2010 10:38:41 PM)
Op: something is amiss here... I feel from your profile name that perhaps there has been emotional or other abuse/betrayal which blocks you........?? If you use the search option (below right) there have been many threads about women unable to orgasm and why...and lots of good advice,, GM

Healed -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/4/2010 11:24:12 PM)
Ouch, I'll try to express myself better. quote: ORIGINAL: antipode You're an inexperienced sub, your partner is vanilla - reading your posting I get the feeling this is a lab report. He is vanilla but "making progress on the kink front" - are you putting a square peg in a round hole? Time will tell. I love him. He's good for me. I'm not ready to abandon the best thing in my life because he's uninitiated. When I say that he is vanilla I mean that he has never sought out BDSM on his own. Since I have "come out" to him he is learning about what makes me tick and he's not in any way apprehensive, just uninformed. Maybe I do need a "natural" dom to sweep me off my feet, but at this point I am way too uncertain about my needs and my sexuality to risk letting him go on those grounds. quote: If there is one thing I do not get out of what you write, it is that you are submissive, or even "engaged". The sense I get is that you are manipulative, and coming here to ask for help in getting even better at manipulating him, and yourself. Your language analyzes, is devoid of emotion. Your profile is equally empty. Why is analysis manipulative? I'm an introspective, reflective person and I try to avoid rambling or going mushy when soliciting help on a forum; I'm attempting to respect your time by getting the point across as concisely as possible. I really don't mean to sound cold. Can you elaborate? How am I manipulating him and myself? quote: You haven't been able to orgasm from sex yet? That is most likely because you cannot relinguish control. Well, I'm more convinced it's a matter of physical inexperience and will be remedied with plenty of practice. ;) quote: And your partner probably lacks both the experience and the desire to take it away from you... I won't argue as far as experience goes, but what am I supposed to do? I like dating in my own age pool. quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 This sentence simply boggles my mind. I don't get it, really. You seem to be complaining that your partner wants you to get off. Are you saying you have less respect for him that wants you to feel pleasure or that you feel his particular way of getting you off is interfering with your construct of your particular dynamic with him? I definitely have no complaints about the fact that he wants to get me off; in theory I wholeheartedly agree with your boggling. The latter is right; his having to service me just doesn't jive with my notion of the perfectly erotic partnership. Of course, I don't truly want a partner who is aloof or sexually selfish; I just need a way to reconcile that erotic notion with the reality that I do desire orgasms and I don't have an automatic orgasm button that will make my body instantly cooperate. quote: ORIGINAL: sweetsub1957 Just a thought.....are you sure that he even really wants to be kinky? If he doesn't, trying to make him be kinky is not going to work any more than him trying to make you be 'nilla..... Thanks for the warning... He seems genuine in his desire to learn, but I know this might not turn out the way I want it to. He sure is worth waiting to find out, though. Thanks for the replies!

Healed -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/4/2010 11:33:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GYPSYMAMBO Op: something is amiss here... I feel from your profile name that perhaps there has been emotional or other abuse/betrayal which blocks you........?? If you use the search option (below right) there have been many threads about women unable to orgasm and why...and lots of good advice,, GM Thanks for your concern, but the username actually refers to discovering and accepting my kinky sexuality after years of thinking that I was irreconcilably different from every other human being on the planet and that I'd die alone as a cat lady! I'm lucky to have never had to have dealt with anything of that nature. I have looked through some of the threads about trouble orgasming, but I didn't see anything too particularly relevant to my situation. I don't have a problem orgasming in general (lots of solo practice, quite skilled at that, thank you very much) but the extra erotic/emotional component seems to be doing me in here. Thanks!

allthatjaz -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/5/2010 1:47:12 AM)
I only really have one question to the op Do you see him going down on you as a submissive act?

Elizabeth666 -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/5/2010 2:09:13 AM)
quote: just doesn't jive with my notion of the perfectly erotic partnership No offense at all, but maybe that's the problem? You do state further in the main body of that comment that you need to reconcile your erotic notions with reality of orgasms. You also say you are young and inexperienced. When I started out, I had this notion, fantasy, (call it what you will) of how my D/s relationship should be. It's not what I had envisioned, not that it's at all bad, but I had unreal expectations (Too many movies and books) I quickly realized that even though fantasy was nice, it wasn't going to be like that. Maybe you need to talk to more people, do more "research" (here and elsewhere) and see what people have to say. Having him pleasure you doesn't make him less "Domly" enjoy it! (I know you didn't say that, but it could be subconcious, you have an idea of what the relationship should be like, but that's not the reality you're experiencing) Have you tried talking to him?

DesFIP -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/5/2010 4:00:00 AM)
If he chooses to give you an orgasm, he's in control. If he chooses not to give you one, same thing. However I had the same response to being on top during sex, it just felt wrong. The solution here was for me to tell him what my problem was, and his response was to tie my hands behind my back and lift me up and on top of him. Tied, it was obvious that I wasn't in charge and that made it easier for me in the beginning. So ask him to do that. If you're tied spread eagle then you will know you aren't in charge. But you need to talk to him, because it isn't fair to have a third person in bed with you all the time, even though the third person is in your head. And you may wish to buy a hitachi wand to add to ways you can orgasm.

sunshinemiss -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/5/2010 5:02:03 AM)
Hello healed, I understand where you are coming from. There's some kind of mind melt down for me too around this. I've talked about that from time to time. However, if I were in your shoes, here are a couple of things I might try: Tying you down (as noted previously), tell him your fantasy as you have it (some men find that pretty exciting and he might join in!), try to focus on you are doing something to please him (often men get real pleasure from watching their woman become sated). Have you ever seen a man who watches a stripper who is touching her own body. They love that stuff! Someone recently said to me that as a submissive you are still allowed to enjoy yourself. It doesn't have to be all hard work! I say that to you now. It is supposed to be fun. Good luck sunshine

Aileen1968 -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/5/2010 5:04:11 AM)
He takes great pleasure in making me orgasm. Who am I to deny him that?

lally2 -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/5/2010 5:19:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Healed . I definitely have no complaints about the fact that he wants to get me off; in theory I wholeheartedly agree with your boggling. The latter is right; his having to service me just doesn't jive with my notion of the perfectly erotic partnership. Of course, I don't truly want a partner who is aloof or sexually selfish; I just need a way to reconcile that erotic notion with the reality that I do desire orgasms and I don't have an automatic orgasm button that will make my body instantly cooperate. . the thing is you dont have to feel bad about youre fantasy and plenty of people use fantasy to reach private orgasms - its switching youre brain from fantasy to reality. relaxing enough, but also, just letting the whole pressure of orgasm go. so what if you dont cum with youre partner every time. if you explain to him whats happeneing he may even be able to help you with this. just allow the sensations to come through slowly. it will take time to rewire youre brain from needing the fantasy to make those sensations stronger. it may take longer to cum. or, you can just accept that youre fantasy is part of youre wiring to cum and carry on. why not try leaving youre fantasy out of the equation when youre with youre partner, just enjoy the sensations as sensations and drop the whole pressure to cum. see how it goes when there is no pressure of wanting/expecting or him having to please you. just drop the pressure. the more tense you get the worse its gonna get.

UniqueRaven -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/5/2010 6:16:53 AM)
A couple thoughts this morning: - You've referred several times to orgasms as him "servicing" you. That judgment call is in your mind. Part of the art of submission is handing over the judgment of the acts and activities you two do to him - and not worry yourself about them, or what they are, or what they mean. Just do what he wants, and be obedient - even if that includes him deciding to cause you to orgasm. - i realize part of the situation is that he is vanilla and you "came out" to him, and as a result he is working with you to see if this is something he enjoys. And yes, that has made the dynamic a bit backwards - he did not come into your life as a Dominant man. But you're going to have to stop "teaching" him - point him to these boards, to books (if you'd like suggestions folks here would be happy to share), or even another Dom you may know or a local club for him to learn on his own. And then stop directing him. If it's not his journey of learning how to Dominate you, and you are "teaching from the bottom", you'll have a very hard time fixing your headspace - and he'll have a hard time getting into his own as well. - At some point you'll need to just relax and do what he wants and be present for whatever he wants to do to you without any expectations on your own part. This may include orgasms - or not. i've gone quite a while in the past without orgasms while my Owner at the time figured out my body and how he wanted to use it. So i suggest instead of saying to him "Tie me to the bed and then have your way with me and maybe i'll feel better" - which is still a level of you being in control - you simply kneel at his feet and let him take it from there, and have fun. Neither one of you needs to be perfect from the get-go. - Final thought: Quit judging yourself, quit judging him, be submissive, let go, serve, submit, obey......and have fun. [:)] julie

Mercnbeth -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/5/2010 8:25:44 AM)
quote: How do other subs feel about being pleasured? since He doesn't have to perform any special acts for this slave to experience pleasure and she does not call the shots, this slave doesn't perceive what we engage in as her being serviced by Him.

sweetsub1957 -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/5/2010 10:09:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: allthatjaz I only really have one question to the op Do you see him going down on you as a submissive act? When you asked her that, I flashed on when Sir tied me to the bed and surprised me with it. I couldn't get away, so I had no choice but to enjoy it. lol Maybe that's what she needs..... [;)]

ranja -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/5/2010 12:19:54 PM)
you say you are young and inexperienced and i think you are sound, you speak well about your issue and you respond good to the advice you have gotten so far. i am 43 and still often move into total fantasy to get off... haven't managed the multiples yet either. I understand the way you feel about him servicing you, but as others have mentioned; that is in your head, you simply have to stop thinking of it like that. it might help if you could tell him what your favourite 'getting off' fantasies are and if he happens to think these scenarios are hot too... then you two could perhaps talk dirty while getting you to orgasm... that way you stay on the same page... talking dirty might be a difficult at first though... i know it took us quite some time to master that art. You are totally right in that you just have to keep at it... sex is like anything else: you get better at it with practise

Eivarden -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/5/2010 4:28:30 PM)
Im similar, except ive never gotten off when someone tries to please me, since i find it such a turn off. I know where u are coming from, but i dont rly have any advice to give.

littlewonder -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/5/2010 5:53:45 PM)
yeah I may be Master's slave but when he wants to pleasure me I'm not gonna turn it down! I say "hell yeah!". What can I say? I'm not a masochist lol. I like pleasure. Like others have said..I don't see it as him servicing me...just us being in a relationship where when we're both satisfied we're both happy and when we're both happy it's good for the relationship.

KatyLied -> RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! (1/5/2010 6:08:19 PM)
quote: I don't see it as him servicing me...just us being in a relationship where when we're both satisfied we're both happy and when we're both happy it's good for the relationship. I agree. Since when it mutual satisfaction a bad thing? Honestly it is the one thing about the "lifestyle" that makes me bristle. The expectation that some have that an s-type can be happy and fulfilled simply by meeting the needs of (servicing) the D-type.

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