Healed
Posts: 7
Joined: 1/4/2010
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Wow, thanks for a wealth of helpful advice! Sorry for abandoning this thread; I've been out of town for a bit. I'm replying to most of what's been said but if I've missed you it's only because I either don't have a particular response or I've already addressed your topic in a response to someone else. Thanks to everyone who spoke up though!
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ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
I only really have one question to the op
Do you see him going down on you as a submissive act?
Yes, and purging that from my thinking is apparently the challenge before me.
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ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666
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just doesn't jive with my notion of the perfectly erotic partnership
No offense at all, but maybe that's the problem? You do state further in the main body of that comment that you need to reconcile your erotic notions with reality of orgasms.
Absolutely it's the problem. I understand that no real relationship can live up to the fantasies that we build in our heads and I am a-okay with that. I'm just not sure how to break the news to my libido.
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ORIGINAL: DesFIP
If he chooses to give you an orgasm, he's in control. If he chooses not to give you one, same thing.
However I had the same response to being on top during sex, it just felt wrong. The solution here was for me to tell him what my problem was, and his response was to tie my hands behind my back and lift me up and on top of him. Tied, it was obvious that I wasn't in charge and that made it easier for me in the beginning.
Thanks, that's very practical advice and I bet some physical restraint would help.
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ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
Someone recently said to me that as a submissive you are still allowed to enjoy yourself. It doesn't have to be all hard work! I say that to you now. It is supposed to be fun.
Thank you. I don't think I really forgot about the fun aspect, but it is easy for me to become wrapped up in all of the uncertainty about how this relationship is going to end up, and remembering to have fun really does take the pressure off.
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ORIGINAL: lally2
why not try leaving youre fantasy out of the equation when youre with youre partner, just enjoy the sensations as sensations and drop the whole pressure to cum. see how it goes when there is no pressure of wanting/expecting or him having to please you. just drop the pressure. the more tense you get the worse its gonna get.
Thanks; like I said above, sometimes I do forget to just relax and it is a relief when I am reminded!
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ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven
Final thought: Quit judging yourself, quit judging him, be submissive, let go, serve, submit, obey......and have fun. 
...In a nutshell! Thanks for the lovely advice.
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ORIGINAL: Drifa
Maybe you should talk to your partner about orgasm control. Work on NOT orgasming until and unless you are given permission verbally to do so. It might help you get into a better headspace for the activity.
Thanks; we've tried a bit of this with spotty success. Sometimes I get into it and sometimes I just run into the same problem and it becomes no challenge to hold back because I never even approach the edge of orgasm.
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ORIGINAL: kushiels
And she makes it very clear how much she enjoys going down on me, and what a turn on that is for her when I orgasm "for" her. Perhaps just building language like that into your "routine" would help?
Thank you, changing up the language sounds like it could help.
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ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
I have to say it... good for you! My owner (now husband as well!) didn't know anything about BDSM until I told him about it after we had started dating. It was a long process of him learning and him figuring out where he want to fit in this world. But he was worth every second of the second and so very much worth the gamble even if the odds were against me!
Yay, I'm happy to hear a success story! I can certainly understand where people are coming from when they advise me not to date the non-kinky, but I'm glad not everyone thinks I'm doomed. :)
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ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
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Original: UniqueRaven
But you're going to have to stop "teaching" him - point him to these boards, to books (if you'd like suggestions folks here would be happy to share), or even another Dom you may know or a local club for him to learn on his own. And then stop directing him. If it's not his journey of learning how to Dominate you, and you are "teaching from the bottom", you'll have a very hard time fixing your headspace - and he'll have a hard time getting into his own as well.
I have to disagree with this. When I was introducing Valyraen to this world, he wasn't comfortable going and meeting other dominants right away and he's never had much interest in any boards. His current activity is the most I've ever seen. So I taught him everything I knew. I taught him how to flog, I taught him how to use toys, I told him how I define things and the various ways that other people define things. Only then did I introduce him to the dominants our age that we knew.
In fact since we were just 20 and didn't know about any TNG groups, we had to wait over a year before we could go to the organized groups where Valyraen really started to pick up tips and tricks from other dominants.
Teaching him might affect her headspace... but it might not. Either way, it might be the only option he's comfortable with, or their only viable option. For us, it never screwed with our headspace at all. He was in charge, he wanted information that I could provide, I served him by providing him.
UniqueRaven, I understand what you mean and it does affect my headspace to some degree, but at this point I am worried about his level of comfort.
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ORIGINAL: Ladynslave
Well, as you find he is working too hard to get you off with mouth and hand, perhaps if he used a vibrator instead? That way he isn't really doing the work, technology and batteries or electricity are.
Thanks, that might work. I've actually never used a vibrator before (never saw a need, masturbation-wise) so it hadn't really occurred to me.
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ORIGINAL: Ladynslave
As you stated that you can get off sooner with some prior denial of orgasm, perhaps a shorter term than a week or two would find that perfect happy medium, say... every two or three days?
It would work for awhile, but my problem with denial is that my body is one that will adjust; pretty soon I won't even have the drive for an orgasm but every few days and we're back where we started. (Left to my own devices my orgasm schedule can comfortably vary from once every two weeks to thrice-daily; I've done both and been satisfied for long stretches when I had not enough and too much time on my hands, respectively)
Once again, thanks so much for your help! I'll see how it goes from here.
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RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 
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