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Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/21/2006 7:27:03 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Hmm I hope I ask this the right way--but its for My sub students--open up guys---

You have a Master at long last, its a start, you have a life/house so does He---when Y/you are together its P/perfection---but when apart, W/who does what--ok submissives, where do you stop and start?

Example: He has to do's He is putting off for you, but He mentions it when Y/you are together---you have to do's that must be accomplished---where do you start and stop in these stages?

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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/21/2006 7:41:20 PM   
Real0ne


Posts: 21189
Joined: 10/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

Hmm I hope I ask this the right way--but its for My sub students--open up guys---

You have a Master at long last, its a start, you have a life/house so does He---when Y/you are together its P/perfection---but when apart, W/who does what--ok submissives, where do you stop and start?

Example: He has to do's He is putting off for you, but He mentions it when Y/you are together---you have to do's that must be accomplished---where do you start and stop in these stages?


as the domme i think you need a list from him of everything he has to do.  then you can carefully take over managing those to do's in stagtes.  it seems this would need to be continued until he is comfortable enough to leave all behind and be with you.  he may be nervous about getting them done so that all needs to be taken into account also. detailed discussion and then  make your decision i think is best




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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/21/2006 7:47:20 PM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		MH Ma'am... I am totally confused by your  OP. Maybe just not reading it right... LOL
But I really have no idea what you are refering to... maybe I need more coffee... brb. <smiles>


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Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/21/2006 7:51:42 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		~ slides my empty cup over to True cuz i was a little confused also.

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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/21/2006 7:55:19 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		smiles, RealOne, it was asked of submissives--but good advice for Dom/mes as well--<hugs>

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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/21/2006 8:05:54 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Not really sure what you're asking. It's not an on/off thing for me- even though there may be specific rules for specific contexts. If I have things to do, they get done in an efficient and practical manner.

There's an old joke that "poly is the people you're too busy to have sex with." It's easy to get caught up in the headiness of things, especially when you've got new relationship energy going, but life doesn't stop. You learn to do those yucky boring responsible things AND have fun, and, even more, you learn how to do them both as a relationship.

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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/21/2006 8:07:26 PM   
SimplyV


Posts: 351
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

~ slides my empty cup over to True cuz i was a little confused also.


*joins owned and true*

Yep.. confused.

*runs out to get some donuts*

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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/21/2006 8:24:46 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u

MH Ma'am... I am totally confused by your  OP. Maybe just not reading it right... LOL
But I really have no idea what you are refering to... maybe I need more coffee... brb. <smiles>



Let Me try to restate--you have an agreed to D/s relationship--BUT when you return to each others "vanilla apart lives" there are responsibilities that need to be dealt with, extraneous things--you as the submissive deal with yours, but He is letting His slip---how far do you go to "serve Him"--"uhm Master, did you rememer to do XXX"?
 

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Mistress Hathor


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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/21/2006 9:05:05 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Ohhh i get it now :)

In everything i do i am serving him, but i understand what you mean about the day to day life that is lived - paying bills, going to work, getting the car worked on, etc.   He doesn't let much slip (that i know of, anyway!), but if i see him "missing" something, i'll just say it. "Oh Master, did you remember such n such?"  Or..."By the way, with everything going on, i wanted to remind you of such n such, just in case." 

For the most part though, he doesn't put a lot off, and when he does he doesn't need me to get him on track; he simply manages his time around whatever he has prioritized.  It is only when i blatantly see he has overlooked something that i gently nudge.

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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/21/2006 9:29:37 PM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		LOL..ok. pouring everyones coffee... I too now get it as well.

I tried that Ma'am... with Jeff. And a few others before him in some of my previous "relationships" and I always got one of these responses back.... I'll do it later, don't worry about it. ... or... Stop trying to mother me.... or... Stop trying to be a wife and just be the slut you're suppose to be.

LOL.... well... I guess there's another reason I'm still single... because when I see signs of lack of responsiblity on his behalf... I feel I can't rely on him enough to entrust not only myself, but my kids as well. So there for, I stay where I am... and begin the process of backing away..... And no it's not just 1 little thing, it's when it's this 1.. and then this 1.. and then this 1... they start adding up and I see one who doesn't take his own life serious enough ... I just feel he won't change when I'm there.

Now when I'm asked to remind one... I tell them.. you told me to remind you of............. And then all is kewl.

< Message edited by truesub4u -- 3/21/2006 9:30:26 PM >

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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/21/2006 10:50:00 PM   
SimplyV


Posts: 351
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u

LOL.... well... I guess there's another reason I'm still single... because when I see signs of lack of responsiblity on his behalf... I feel I can't rely on him enough to entrust not only myself, but my kids as well. So there for, I stay where I am... and begin the process of backing away..... And no it's not just 1 little thing, it's when it's this 1.. and then this 1.. and then this 1... they start adding up and I see one who doesn't take his own life serious enough ... I just feel he won't change when I'm there.



I am the same way when I'm submitting or interviewing to submit to someone. There is a certain level of personal responsibility needed.

Personally.. in Mastering or being a Dom.. there is a certain level of humility that comes with being human. When I have submitted to One in the past, reminding them or probing to see if they remembered something important has been met two ways.

Either, "Oh yes, thanks for reminding me" or "Its not your place to remind me. I'll get to it when I feel like getting to it"

One of which shows a Dom's acceptance of his own humanity, the other to me shows me they're too insecure to handle the power I've given them.

Maybe I've been in odd relationships.. but we're all human. Sometimes things get pushed on the backburner or slip our minds. A little nudge or reminder for any of us.. Dom or sub.. is sometimes needed and never really hurts.

In a D/s or M/s relatinship.. if something affects one in the relationship its going to affect both. Both Dom/me and sub should realize this.

In the smallest way, its the Dom/mes job per se.. to keep the sub in line. Its the subs job to make the Dom/me's life easier. Helping them remember things they may have forgotten is just part of it.

IMHO

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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/21/2006 11:18:28 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		From  A Master’s view point. The Dominant should, nay MUST lead from the front and get off arses and show that they are responsible people with the capability of taking care of business .. Theirs and the sub/slaves. This shows the sub/slave that there is no excuse for her or him for not carrying out projects, writing essays and doing a myriad of things which he or she have been ordered to do.. If the Dominant has a problem like short term memory loss or a disability then they could  elevate their sub/slave to the status of sub/slave personal assistant and allow the boy or girl to help in some of the things which the Dominant needs help with.. If I manage to snaffle a kajira and she is good enough to wear my personal collar thgis is exactly what she will be doing  But I’m just a forgetful old grizzly and can never find the porridge in the mornings..

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Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to SimplyV)
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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/21/2006 11:56:45 PM   
DragonNphoenix


Posts: 617
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

~ slides my empty cup over to True cuz i was a little confused also.


good Eve ownedgirlie.  How are you today?

If My Dragon is not there, I pull out my inner Domme and order my to do list.  First I write everything that I need to do, cross off half and then the inner Domme picks three of the rest of the list for me to do in that day.

I dont know if that helps, that is just how I manage.

1st Girl Phoenix

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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/22/2006 7:13:36 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Hi back atcha DragonNphoenix :)

Yes, as for my own to do list, rarely if ever does he need to remind me of it.  Sometimes he sees my other life tasks are slipping as i try to keep up with his requirements (or i let him know they are) so he adjusts my list.

IronBear i liked what you said about leading from the front.  That is my current experience.  i was with a Dom years ago who was...well...i started to understand he was lazy and not just forgetful.  He procrastinated everything and my respect for him whittled down over time.

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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/22/2006 7:39:54 AM   
starymists


Posts: 139
Joined: 2/1/2006
Status: offline 		Been here doing this...My Dominant runs a business, I have a private practice and for the next little while, we are not co-habitating, though we have started looking for a place. In the mean time, we each have responsibilities that have to be seen to that can cut into our time, and lets face it, it can be easy to get wrapped up into a relationship. To balance what needs to be done, we each have a to-do list. Generally, neither one of us need to be reminded once it's 'on paper'. This way, he knows what I have to get done and I know what he has to get done. Generally, we try to get those things done when the other is busy with 'business' so that when we are together, we don't have other things getting in the way.
 
When it gets really crazy, just simply asking to see the list is a verbal reminder for either he or I to spot check and make sure everything is done...which has worked very well for us :)

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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/22/2006 9:30:58 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline
quote:

Let Me try to restate--you have an agreed to D/s relationship--BUT when you return to each others "vanilla apart lives" there are responsibilities that need to be dealt with, extraneous things--you as the submissive deal with yours, but He is letting His slip---how far do you go to "serve Him"--"uhm Master, did you rememer to do XXX"?


Umm  depends on how far he lets it slip.  After awhile i get kind of peeved.  Like whose the Dom here?  Whose supposed to be in control?  Cos you dont seem like you're in control.  In control does not mean slipage.  Generally if they can not keep control of their lives.. its not wise to let them control your life.  Plus they cant take care of themselves.  Obviously they're not.  And if they cant take care of them selves.. uh.. how are they supposed to take care of you?  That really pisses me off.  Its like "hello!!!!"  Learn to take care of yourself.  Its like hanging out with a damn kid. 

And yeah you can mention... "did you do xxx" or some other generic not stepping the lines question.  But if you have to do it enough or you come to realise they dont do it too many times.  Well it can piss you off.

And you also have to think.  If you keep "serving" the Master by taking care of their crap, you're actually enabling them to not learn how to take care of their own crap.  You become the enabler for them to be irresponsible.  Which ISNT a service to them.  Its a disservice.  The more you take care of their crap, the more they'll let it slide.  Before you know it, you're just gonna have to tell them "Call me Mommy" 

Logically speaking.  You can only let it go so far until it becomes a disservice.

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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/22/2006 9:58:26 AM   
LKP79


Posts: 34
Joined: 10/2/2005
Status: offline 		My former Master's memory isn't all that it could be sometimes due to a skull fracture he suffered some 10 years ago. He'll sometimes go back and forth from room to room doing the same things over and over again because His brain's stuck in a loop and He doesn't realize that He's already done these things already.  He does need reminding from time to time, and the fact that i remember these things for Him is a great help, and something that i enjoy doing. Does it make him less "Domly?" Absolutely not. For all the memory problems He sometimes has, He's never forgotten any of my transgressions! 

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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/22/2006 10:23:33 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl
Umm  depends on how far he lets it slip.  After awhile i get kind of peeved.  Like whose the Dom here?  Whose supposed to be in control?  Cos you dont seem like you're in control.  In control does not mean slipage.  Generally if they can not keep control of their lives.. its not wise to let them control your life.  Plus they cant take care of themselves.  Obviously they're not.  And if they cant take care of them selves.. uh.. how are they supposed to take care of you?  That really pisses me off.  Its like "hello!!!!"  Learn to take care of yourself.  Its like hanging out with a damn kid. 

And yeah you can mention... "did you do xxx" or some other generic not stepping the lines question.  But if you have to do it enough or you come to realise they dont do it too many times.  Well it can piss you off.

And you also have to think.  If you keep "serving" the Master by taking care of their crap, you're actually enabling them to not learn how to take care of their own crap.  You become the enabler for them to be irresponsible.  Which ISNT a service to them.  Its a disservice.  The more you take care of their crap, the more they'll let it slide.  Before you know it, you're just gonna have to tell them "Call me Mommy" 

Logically speaking.  You can only let it go so far until it becomes a disservice.



Got a question for you chicken,   You are collared to a Dom who does have disabilities.. he cant get about much without a stick or stand for long periods of time and has short-term memory loss, but yet will and does put him self out and into a shit load of pain to make sure you are ok even to the point where he places your overall welfare before his own. He does expect you to be his PA and remind him of things he has forgotten to do.   Could you live with that or from your view point is there too much contradiction between his mastery and the things he can’t do or the way he prioritizes things??


_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/22/2006 10:42:12 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
Got a question for you chicken,   You are collared to a Dom who does have disabilities.. he cant get about much without a stick or stand for long periods of time and has short-term memory loss, but yet will and does put him self out and into a shit load of pain to make sure you are ok even to the point where he places your overall welfare before his own. He does expect you to be his PA and remind him of things he has forgotten to do.   Could you live with that or from your view point is there too much contradiction between his mastery and the things he can’t do or the way he prioritizes things??


I think the specifics of putting so much active effort into making sure things are going well AND the prior knowledge that there would be uncontrollable memory issues make the case that it's not doing a disservice.

However, the reality is that there ARE relationships in which the sub basically becomes the keeper of the domain due to the doms laziness and the sub becomes the enabler.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Vanilla Issues After D/s is appears - 3/22/2006 12:11:41 PM   
jamesthehumanrug


Posts: 668
Joined: 10/21/2005
Status: offline 		GREETINGS,dear m- who,
(gaud you are funny ;calling an m who)
anyway;
who-does anything different?
if a top stopped for me;
i'd say ;soon to be sneaking-around, and insulting my M-intelligence(MY M-EXISTANCE!)
and what else-different does an M,do?
esp a WHO?...
WAITS FOR YOU ,OR IN THE PROCESS ,OF:waiting for you;
who-else?
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

Hmm I hope I ask this the right way--but its for My sub students--open up guys---

You have a Master at long last, its a start, you have a life/house so does He---when Y/you are together its P/perfection---but when apart, W/who does what--ok submissives, where do you stop and start?

Example: He has to do's He is putting off for you, but He mentions it when Y/you are together---you have to do's that must be accomplished---where do you start and stop in these stages?


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I REMAIN RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED
,LOVEles,
jamesthehumanrug

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