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Looking for people to talk to... - 1/8/2010 9:06:41 PM

girliekitten

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline

Hello all. My husband and I are working on moving from a vanilla marriage to a D/s one, and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me. We also have two young children, and I stay home and go to college part time. I find it difficult at times to not get frustrated with it all, though I know we're both learning and nothing is going to happen overnight. Neither of us really have any prior D/s experience, and so we're both new at this. I expressed a desire for this, and my wonderful husband decided we would work together and see if this was something he could do and be happy with, and he learned he has plenty of dom in him, and so that's going well. Most of the time we're both wonderfully happy with it, and the new level of communication it's brought us to is wonderful. I'd just like to hear from so other subs.

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RE: Looking for people to talk to... - 1/8/2010 9:17:39 PM

AHuntress

Posts: 21
Joined: 12/20/2009
Status: offline

The very best piece of advice I can offer anyone ... be they a single person or a couple or a couple of people is talk. Talk, talk, talk and talk some more. With positive communication all things are possible. That goes for any type of relationship. Don't hold things back or against one another.

_____________________________

Why kill time, it is so much more fun stalking it!

Now everyone take a biiiiiig deep breath and sing along! Ohhhh a hunting we will go, a hunting we will go... What? How can you not know the words?
Check the trunk - make sure its empty.

(in reply to girliekitten)

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RE: Looking for people to talk to... - 1/9/2010 12:12:04 AM

clum

Posts: 9
Joined: 1/7/2010
Status: offline

after talk ,

both of you can write to papers without knowing the others, the things you would like to have from your partner and the things you might hate...
and change the papers...

and do this routin every week,maybe later you can do it once a month...

lets see if it helps or not?

regards

(in reply to AHuntress)

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RE: Looking for people to talk to... - 1/9/2010 4:04:45 AM

ForeverOwned

Posts: 269
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline

My advice to you is to learn everything you can and then make it your own. There is no right or wrong way, Find out what works for you and everything will be fine.

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RE: Looking for people to talk to... - 1/9/2010 4:08:35 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: girliekitten

Hello all. My husband and I are working on moving from a vanilla marriage to a D/s one, and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me. We also have two young children, and I stay home and go to college part time. I find it difficult at times to not get frustrated with it all, though I know we're both learning and nothing is going to happen overnight. Neither of us really have any prior D/s experience, and so we're both new at this. I expressed a desire for this, and my wonderful husband decided we would work together and see if this was something he could do and be happy with, and he learned he has plenty of dom in him, and so that's going well. Most of the time we're both wonderfully happy with it, and the new level of communication it's brought us to is wonderful. I'd just like to hear from so other subs.

this is a nation wide org dedicated to the master/slave relationship with local chapters that hold meetings

http://www.mast.net/

it's not a munch in the normal sense of the word, it's only a discussion group that addresses the m/s lifestyle and problems face by master/slave

< Message edited by osf -- 1/9/2010 4:11:09 AM >

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all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

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RE: Looking for people to talk to... - 1/9/2010 5:17:14 AM

LadyChallene

Posts: 207
Joined: 5/18/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: girliekitten
I'd just like to hear from so other subs.

While I am not a submissive or slave I would like to add my

into the pot.

I too recommend open, honest, non-judgmental communication. Do not make the mistake of only telling your partner what made you not like something. Tell them what you did like. There is nothing wrong with saying, 'I like this part, this part was 'ok' and this part really didn't turn me on - work for me or this/that made me uncomfortable. Focus on the experience, not just the parts you want to improve. If you cannot be one another's confidant, then find one and talk with them until you are comfortable and at ease.

However, I would add one other suggestion. When trying something 'new', always try it a few times before deciding if you (both of you) like it or not. Personally, I try something 4 times. I want to make sure no one has had a bad day, is feeling 'off', maybe the direction(s) or suggestion(s) was/were misinterpreted, the phone rang in the middle or some 'nut' knocked on the door at the wrong time and just flat out screwed things up for you ... even take a break between times of 'trying something new' (an hour, hours, a day, days, weeks, even a month if necessary).

As with everything I say, that is only my opinion/suggestion. Do what feels right and good for you and the one (ones) you are with.

Happy trails, happy hunting, what have you!

Lady Challene

edited more then 3 thimes for the lack of

and

. Unfortunately, I am human too.

< Message edited by LadyChallene -- 1/9/2010 5:33:13 AM >

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Heads I win, tails you lose.
Will that squeak if I squeeze it?
I hate torturing people, but I'm really, really good at it.

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RE: Looking for people to talk to... - 1/9/2010 5:42:15 AM

nephandi

Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline

Greetings

I am now free but I was the slave of Aswad on this forum, but before that our relationship was vanilla. My advice would be to work in some simple and discreet protocols into your every day lives, things which takes up little time. The protocols will help you maintain the dynamic. One thing could be that if you are home alone and he comes home to stand and greet him and kiss his feet, or if you do not want the children to see that, that you kiss his hand, which is also actually an old show of submission. When you sit down and eat together he could give you the first bite with his fork, this symbolizing he rules you and he provides for you. This pepole will just see as a cute habbit between you and no one will think it is strange. Setting aside one hoer a week for you to talk, just talk together might be a good idea to, rent the kids a movie and have one hour of alone time.

Good luck.

I wish you well

P.S. Welcome to Collarme, I hope you will like it here. :D

_____________________________

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Futon torpedoes, make love not war!--Aswad

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RE: Looking for people to talk to... - 1/9/2010 6:04:15 AM

LadyChallene

Posts: 207
Joined: 5/18/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nephandi

I am now free but I was the slave of Aswad on this forum, but before that our relationship was vanilla. My advice would be to work in some simple and discreet protocols into your every day lives, things which takes up little time. The protocols will help you maintain the dynamic. One thing could be that if you are home alone and he comes home to stand and greet him and kiss his feet, or if you do not want the children to see that, that you kiss his hand, which is also actually an old show of submission. When you sit down and eat together he could give you the first bite with his fork, this symbolizing he rules you and he provides for you. This pepole will just see as a cute habbit between you and no one will think it is strange. Setting aside one hoer a week for you to talk, just talk together might be a good idea to, rent the kids a movie and have one hour of alone time.

That is some very wonderful advice nephandi!! Sometimes I forget to add that just like 'vanilla', BDSM, D/s and S&M are all spices to be applied as lightly or heavily as your relationship can abide. Some like a light dose, while others prefer a heavier handed application. That's why it's called the "Spice of life" or "Spices of life".

Lady Challene

P.S.

_____________________________

Heads I win, tails you lose.
Will that squeak if I squeeze it?
I hate torturing people, but I'm really, really good at it.

(in reply to nephandi)

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RE: Looking for people to talk to... - 1/10/2010 10:34:08 PM

girliekitten

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline

Thank you guys for the feedback, it's nice to hear helpful suggestions, and I feel like we're on the right track for us now. I've been making sure that we have at least an hour to talk each night, about how we're feeling and why, and anything else that might come up. For everything else, we're just taking it slow, finding things that feel right to both of us, and I'm very happy as he's discovered that he really wants to nurture the dominant side of himself, and that he's becoming truly happy with the new direction of our marriage. It's wonderful thing.

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RE: Looking for people to talk to... - 1/11/2010 5:22:38 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

Our marriage greatly improved since we have inserted bdsm.
i am housewife and run my part time business, we have one child
And same as you, i turned this way and He has taken to it rather well.

Communication is important of course, but i have found with my Husband that it pays to be really careful and not push for too much too soon... or be overly honest about how i would like things... my Husband is not a great 'talker' and He might take what i mean as info as criticism instead... when we talk about sex i have to tread very carefully...

One of the first changes we made was for me to ask Him permission to masturbate... i might ask for it before He goes to work but usually i text Him when i feel like it... it seemed important that He should know my sexdrive and have control

We also agreed that He should stop me or hurt me when He gets annoyed with me or when i get uppity about stuff about general stuff... usually a verbal warning and then He might tickle me, or sometimes a pinch or a poke or sharp slap... it totally relieves His annoyance and puts me in my place beautifully, it keeps the air clear between us.

Other than that there are the little everyday things like i take His boots off after He comes home from work... waiting with eating until He has started.
i usually ask for permission to do stuff while He usually simply informs me.
i will always get the door and the phone, as He hates getting disturbed.
i cut His hair, all His nails and trim His beard or shave Him as He wishes.

We put a lock on our bedroom door.

He started spanking me regularly
He is getting rather good at pulling my hair

We go online and watch porn to get new ideas and turned on
He has put some hooks in the ceiling and we bought some lovely dildos and a flogger and a crop... some ropes and a barber chair from ebay... also the beanbag has become a favourite

Sometimes i am impatient and would wish for more and harder and stronger stuff... but i am getting better at being patient and polite while He is more and more coming into His own, proud and strong

all the best

< Message edited by ranja -- 1/11/2010 5:25:52 AM >

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RE: Looking for people to talk to... - 1/11/2010 8:23:21 AM

girliekitten

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/8/2010
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I'm lucky in that my husband is big on talking anyway, and he used to make me talk about our sex life and our relationship when I was still too shy to bring things up on my own (I was only 17 when we got together, and incredibly shy), so I know I don't have to worry about offending him so long as whatever I say is said with respect, because he always wants to know. So far, we made a list of tasks for me to do everyday, starting small so I can get used to it (and because I'm about to have my wisdom teeth out, so I occasionally have so much pain I'm mostly useless for short periods of time), and a decent size list of rules he wants me to follow. I was given instructions on taking care of myself from him, and he's been good about finding punishments that go with the infractions the few times I've slipped up. He's also been ordering me to do certain things for him or with him, such as making/getting him his coffee if he decides he wants it, or accompanying him outside while he smokes, washing his back in the shower, and posing for him in some of the submissive poses he found he likes. In fact, he's discovering that he really enjoys it all, and finds my submission to him incredibly sexy, which made me very happy. And we have been reading everything we can get my hands on. So far, we seem to be doing very well.

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