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Finding third to join us - 1/9/2010 11:02:20 PM   
JHEsub


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/27/2009
Status: offline 		I am relatively new to both the site and the lifestyle.....so please forgive the awkwardness of question.  My Master and I are looking to find another woman to join us  and he has tasked me with posting profile and looking for her.  I have no idea how to go about this.  Any ideas?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Finding third to join us - 1/9/2010 11:54:01 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		~FR~
First of all, I guess I'm just suspicious, but when a Master  puts up His submissive to finding another gal to join them, I always wonder if she really has any input into the decision at all or if it's entirely His idea.  But, assuming it is up to both of you, I think you might get some really good ideas over in the Polyamoury forum.  I bet they could really help you.  First of all, though, I think it would be a good idea to say what type of gal you are looking for and to let her know what kind of situation she would be coming into and joining, just like any profile would do.

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to JHEsub)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Finding third to join us - 1/10/2010 12:22:43 AM   
JHEsub


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/27/2009
Status: offline 		Thanks for the advice.  I will give that a try.  And, as I stated, knew I wasn't going about this or stating it quite right.  It is a mutual decision and at this point I am just drafting joint profile and looking for ideas/suggestions before I share with him and we finalize together.

Appreciate your reply.  Thanks.

(in reply to sweetsub1957)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Finding third to join us - 1/10/2010 12:29:36 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JHEsub

I am relatively new to both the site and the lifestyle.....so please forgive the awkwardness of question.  My Master and I are looking to find another woman to join us  and he has tasked me with posting profile and looking for her.  I have no idea how to go about this.  Any ideas?


Aqua's Tips - Feel free to dismiss as you choose.

1. Be prepared that some people are going to give you shit about you being the one that is actively setting up the profile or looking. Val and I are looking for a third and we prefer for me to be the first point of contact because if she doesn't get along with me, he really don't want it to go any further.

2. Write what you want and what you can offer. What you are looking for is rare and highly sought after all. While you shouldn't go around making others look bad, you are in competition. Even though each couple is going to offer unique things that others can't, you need to play up your strengths while acknowledging your weaknesses.

3. Be prepared for this to take awhile. Years and years. Be happy with each other, don't dwell on the search and even happier with the right person comes along.

4. Do some searchs on the forums for similiar topics. Head over into the poly section and read up on some threads that people have posted about finding thirds, what thirds are looking for, etc.

5. On that subject, be very clear in regards to what you are looking for. Are you looking for someone who is, basically, a play partner? Are you looking for someone to move in with you and be an "equal" (term used loosely due to power dynamics) in the relationships? Will you take a switch? Does she have to be free of any attachments or would you accept a woman who is poly and also partnered?

Best of luck!

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to JHEsub)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Finding third to join us - 1/10/2010 3:49:55 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JHEsub

I am relatively new to both the site and the lifestyle.....so please forgive the awkwardness of question. My Master and I are looking to find another woman to join us and he has tasked me with posting profile and looking for her. I have no idea how to go about this. Any ideas?


Firstly a lot of us 'thirds' hate the term third, I guess due to the implied hierarchy.

Secondly, think about what you want from this addition, why and what you can offer them (please never forget the last part) ask yourself if you are in a solid relationship and not simply using a human being to spice up your relationship without asking what you are doing for them.

Third, realise that there will inevitably be some form of relationship with all members of the group so everyone has to get on, if you are talking on here and you make first contact make sure that the other person gets a chance to talk to your partner relatively soon, they have to feel the connection too.

General stuff, when writing your profile make sure you include stuff about you, direct we want profiles never goes down well, have a look for poly groups in your area and have a read on the poly section on this site for more info on it all, it will probably take a while, good luck

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to JHEsub)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Finding third to join us - 1/10/2010 7:30:46 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JHEsub

I am relatively new to both the site and the lifestyle.....so please forgive the awkwardness of question.  My Master and I are looking to find another woman to join us  and he has tasked me with posting profile and looking for her.  I have no idea how to go about this.  Any ideas?


Before looking for another you and your Master need to sit down and discuss how this new person will blend into your lives.  How will she be presented to family?  Will she attend family gatherings with you both?  How will she be presented to friends?  Will she have her own bedroom, will you all share one bedroom, or will you take turns sleeping with the Master.  Will she work outside the household?  If she does work outside the household how will her money be handled?  Will she give it all to Master to pay bills etc.  Will she pay her own bills and contribute her fair share to the household?  Will she be submissive to the other slave or be accountable to the Master only?  Is she expected to be bi?  How will the household handle an unplanned pregnancy?  If the new slave does not work outside the household, is there enough income to provide her with medical treatment and funds toward retirement? 

Once you both know what you expect of another, then you can begin to look and 'sell' yourselves as a steady couple who knows what you seek in a companion.  As others have said, you are not the only one looking for the shining unicorn.  There are many couples looking for those very few who are willing to come into an established relationship knowing that when things go wrong, they are the first to be let go.  As someone said, this could take a long time.  In fact, it may take years before you find that perfect person to join you.  We have been looking for 3 1/2 years without finding even one person who might fit in with our rather strange lifestyle, and we are seeking a male or a female.  We're not holding our breaths while we look and wait. 

To actually find your unicorn make sure that the local munch knows you are looking.  Networking is a great way to find someone.  Attend any events that you can get to as there will be people there from a broader area.  Make friends with those people so they are part of your network.  Swinger groups might be a good place to look, especially if you seeking bi.  You might meet her at the bar.  She might be a tenant in the building where you live.  Online might work.  Don't limit yourself to just Collarme.  You'll need to join the other social sites as you don't want to leave any stone unturned. 

In the meantime have fun and enjoy what the two of you have. 

(in reply to JHEsub)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Finding third to join us - 1/10/2010 7:59:04 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		From my very limited experience, you being the point of contact is a great idea - if you can be objective about it.

My Sir bought a third home without me ever meeting her first and frankly we had so little in common i couldn't talk to her. She wasn't the smartest bunny in the box, and we had no common reference point.

It wasn't a total disaster because she was there to serve Sir, and i worked out of the home, so i wasn't around her 24/7. It was more like having a room mate than a third.

But if you are the first interviewer, you could get a sense of how the two of you relate, if there is common ground for you after the sex is out of the way(so to speak) For instance, if the two of you like to read, or like to sew or knit or make pinatas, or you share a sense of humour about the same things. I know people who are great people but i wouldn't want to live with them!
Good luck with your search.

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Finding third to join us - 1/10/2010 8:55:20 AM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline 		Another way of looking at it - what do you and your Master offer another woman who enters into your relationship?  Why would she want to join you? 




_____________________________

** Owned by E **

(in reply to JHEsub)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Finding third to join us - 1/10/2010 8:57:32 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsub1957

~FR~
First of all, I guess I'm just suspicious, but when a Master  puts up His submissive to finding another gal to join them, I always wonder if she really has any input into the decision at all or if it's entirely His idea. 
I agree. And the second part of this is that I've run into too many submissives that wear rose colored glasses when it comes to their "Doms". Including one who ended up testify against him when he went to jail for serial rape. (She was actively trying to recruit me, telling me how wonderful he was)

The "D" type is the person to whom I handing my life to. He's the person I want to be talking to, not some infatuated submissive.

That said there needs to be some contact between the two submissives at some point.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to sweetsub1957)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Finding third to join us - 1/10/2010 8:57:37 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		If you're looking, why is your profile hidden?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to mc1234)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Finding third to join us - 1/10/2010 9:37:22 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
The "D" type is the person to whom I handing my life to. He's the person I want to be talking to, not some infatuated submissive.


I think it totally depends on the dynamic that is created, in my experience (probably because it is what works for me) I have an important relationship with the submissive already there, the relationship doesnt (for me) work in a vacume I have been madly in love with the other submissive because dynamics can and do develop that incorporate all regardless of what was intended in the first place.

It depends what is wanted, if the addition is there purely for the dominant fair enough, but that is a pretty rare set up.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Finding third to join us - 1/10/2010 11:36:28 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Expect that to find someone compatible with both of you will take years. If you dated for ten years before finding the person you wanted to marry, expect it to take even longer to find a partner both of you can love and who will love both of you.

If what he's talking about is a one night stand, call an escort agency and use all disease prevention precautions.

In general, you do better joining local groups and making friends. If an unpartnered female becomes friendly with both of you, then you could ask her to join your for a night of fun and frolic. If none of them wish to become friends with the both of you, then you need to deal with pre-existing issues first.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Finding third to join us - 1/10/2010 11:42:54 AM   
mstrslve4fun


Posts: 60
Joined: 12/18/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsub1957

~FR~
First of all, I guess I'm just suspicious, but when a Master  puts up His submissive to finding another gal to join them, I always wonder if she really has any input into the decision at all or if it's entirely His idea.  But, assuming it is up to both of you, I think you might get some really good ideas over in the Polyamoury forum.  I bet they could really help you.  First of all, though, I think it would be a good idea to say what type of gal you are looking for and to let her know what kind of situation she would be coming into and joining, just like any profile would do.


May i ask, what does it matter if it's a joint decision or not?

Second, are you looking for a permanent third, or just a play mate for a short period?

< Message edited by mstrslve4fun -- 1/10/2010 11:43:49 AM >

(in reply to sweetsub1957)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Finding third to join us - 1/10/2010 11:58:45 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally
I have been madly in love with the other submissive because dynamics can and do develop that incorporate all regardless of what was intended in the first place.
What if you fall madly in love with the submissive and the guy who gets to tie you up and beat you is an asshat? Abusive?

Since he has the control in the relationship, he's the person that I want to meet first. If he's someone unacceptable to me and he gets to determine my day to day life, it makes no sense to find that out after the fact.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Finding third to join us - 1/10/2010 12:02:29 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The reason people want to know if it's a joint decision is simple, if it's being forced on her it will be a bad scene. And nobody needs that kind of drama. I'm clear on the fact that if he tried to force this on me, (which he wouldn't) I would make it obvious to the third that I found the idea of having sex with her repulsive and that I was hating every minute of it.  I'm not going to lie and pretend to be bi. And even those who are bi don't want to have sex with everyone.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Finding third to join us - 1/10/2010 12:50:25 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline 		Aquatic and peppermint pretty much covered any points I would make; Just to speak to what we have discovered on our search, the two issues that have been sticking points are how open or closeted the relationship will be, and children.

Few if any women want to be as one girl put it- the "old maid in the basement" that is, the closeted third who is not allowed to be seen in public. So be prepared to change your life as radically as she will- by becoming the publicly polygamous family, at least to family and friends.

Second, most women in their 20's and 30's want to have children, if they don't already have them; or at least be open to the possiblity. So figuring out if you want that, or how to handle it, is a huge issue.

And yeah- you are one of a thousand chasing the unicorn. Sorry.

(in reply to JHEsub)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Finding third to join us - 1/10/2010 12:58:09 PM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
What if you fall madly in love with the submissive and the guy who gets to tie you up and beat you is an asshat? Abusive?

Since he has the control in the relationship, he's the person that I want to meet first. If he's someone unacceptable to me and he gets to determine my day to day life, it makes no sense to find that out after the fact.


I agree that you need to meet the dominant before having a relationship with the submissive but I think both are as important each other

< Message edited by LillyoftheVally -- 1/10/2010 12:59:25 PM >

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Finding third to join us - 1/10/2010 8:27:26 PM   
JHEsub


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/27/2009
Status: offline 		Thanks for insight.  I am not necessarily the one setting up profile, it will be a joint endeavor, I am just getting the ball rolling.  And, it has to be someone that I get along with, so it makes the most sense for me to draft it.

Appreciate the point about what we can offer rather than just what we are looking for.  Great point and one I did not think of.  The reason I am asking for advice before proceeding.

You've brought up some great points and I will take them under advice.  Thanks and appreciate your input.

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 18
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