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RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/10/2010 10:15:08 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Yeah, with a fairly young guy...that's my first thought. Depression and brain problems are further down the list at first, unfortunately.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to Venatrix)

Post #: 41

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 3:39:42 AM

marine87

Posts: 27
Joined: 5/5/2007
Status: offline

Having had some personal issues with what I think was PTSD, I can admit I never wanted to confront my issues to anyone, felt kinda ashamed of what happened "over there" and in my opionion it sounded weak to miss work so I can go talk to the "wizard". Maybe its a guy thing to not want to show weakness in those areas if that is the real problem. After some time and good introspecting I was able to cure myself but I agree showing anger can never be a good thing.

Daniel

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 42

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 6:59:24 AM

redwoodgirl

Posts: 243
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline

Wow! goodmorning everyone and thanks for all the wisdom

i KNEW Id get alot of varied ideas here with you all...

Well if you are really ready for down and dirty, perhaps read the predicament bondage thread for some ideas, then pick one, get him into it and leave him in it until he admits what has his panties all in a twist
Totaly not an option, but thank you :)

It sounds like he has Depression (note the big D). Which kind of Depression, I don't know, but a trained profession could. Everyone gets depressed from time to time. Such is how life is.
Something to think about for sure.

If he were simply depressed and didn't answer that depression with a fist... standing by him might be wonderful... but I would never encourage someone to stand by someone who talks with his fist. She could be the wall the next time.
Lockit, youre making me look at things I never thought Id have to...

You have tried being nice, you have tried being supportive. You are both switches, and you indicate that the dynamic in your relationship is not such strict D/s. It is, however, a "romantic" type relationship. So now it is time to be straight with him. Basically telling him that you love him and want to help him, but his behavior is NOT acceptable and that he either needs to be straight with you about what is bothering him, or get his ass to a therapist if the relationship is going to continue. Then stick with it.
I wish I could show him this thread without him panicking that Im airing our 'dirty laundry', this quote is very very good.

If he loves you and values your relationship, then he will comply..
this is a quote that I plan on using today...

Lockit, this isn't between you or me. This is someone else and their slave.
No disrespect, Lockit and I have been around here for a little bit, her words i value. And FYI, my honey is no slave.

Something no one has really mentioned (and exdomapet (sorry, I couldn't remember your new nic)...I care about you but have to say it) is a lot of times when people act the way he is acting, it is either because they have found someone else and/or they just don't want to be in *this* relationship any longer.
Possible follwed with this. Thanks Christina, its good to hear from the locals. You can call me Domah any time

Last night is was very quiet here, but there was an invsible elephant in the room as big as my truck. Disrespect anyone? When i tried to converse I was told I was nagging, this isnt ok with me! Any other time Id accredit a comment like that to his regular fiestiness....
I really dont want to dump him, he fits is very well here, but being the head of this household is going to force me to make a decision based on everyones needs, not just mine. If it has to come to that point,
its going to be a sad day. My head is spinning with words to say and ways to fix this, even tho I know it isnt my issue to fix, I have to be the one apparenly to get the ball rolling. I'm used to being spoiled rotten, (yes I know how that sounds- let it go) and am really not looking forward to freakshow I feel is coming up...

_____________________________

The thing about music is, when it hits you, you feel no pain- Bob Marley

The treehugger formerly known as Domahpet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMnjF1O4eH0

''ahhhh you gonna take me home tonight....''

(in reply to marine87)

Post #: 43

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 7:53:37 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I think you got a mixture of advice here. I'm going to grant you that not all of the approaches listed in this thread would be ones that I would use. There is one thing that is paramount and should be coming before all else and that is the safety of all people involved and that includes you.

As a Dominant woman, I am going to tell you that you can only control those areas of a submissive's life where he gives that authority to you. If he can not control his own anger, and is lashing out in such ways as hitting walls, how do you expect to be able to control that area of his life? Such acts are often the early stages of what turns to be an abusive relationship. That, to Me, is more important than what might be the underlying causes for the behavior. In My opinion, possible thyroid problems, depression, or any other thing matter a whole lot less to Me than you possibly being in a situation where non consensual harm to you could be inflicted. You have to be particularly careful in this area, since you do have a history of consensual BDSM with this person.

There are certain things that are NOT acceptable. I would be giving you this same advice if you were Domme, sub, kinky, vanilla, green, or blue. If your boy is not willing to go in a positive direction in getting his anger under control, there needs to be a drastic change in your relationship. Even if that includes ending the relationship in favor of your own safety.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to redwoodgirl)

Post #: 44

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 7:58:21 AM

lobodomslavery

Posts: 2477
Joined: 1/17/2008
Status: offline

Redwood. This guy is seriously depressed. Normal functioning happy people do not strike walls. Call a doctor and bring him to hospital. If he wont go voluntarily, get him checked out and tell the doctor to commit him as you cannot nor should not put up with his behaviour. Even if it means he gets locked up for three months against his will, he needs this, he has mental health problems which need to be sorted out. Get professional help fast. Do whatever it takes including getting him locked up if necessary, he needs to learn that he cannot treat you like this.If he wont accept help willingly, get him committed
Kevin

(in reply to redwoodgirl)

Post #: 45

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 8:00:34 AM

tnai

Posts: 29
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lobodomslavery

Redwood. This guy is seriously depressed. Normal functioning happy people do not strike walls. Call a doctor and bring him to hospital. If he wont go voluntarily, get him checked out and tell the doctor to commit him as you cannot nor should not put up with his behaviour. Even if it means he gets locked up for three months against his will, he needs this, he has mental health problems which need to be sorted out. Get professional help fast. Do whatever it takes including getting him locked up if necessary, he needs to learn that he cannot treat you like this.If he wont accept help willingly, get him committed
Kevin

Not claiming to be an expert or anything but it's fairly hard to get someone held for mental health reasons in most states, more so if all they did was hit a wall and act unhappy in a BDSM relationship.

(in reply to lobodomslavery)

Post #: 46

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 8:04:02 AM

Kimveri

Posts: 783
Joined: 7/14/2007
From: Vegas
Status: offline

G'morning, Redwoodgirl,

You've gotten a lot of good advice & you've shown a lot of grace & good sense in your receipt of that advice. I only have one thing I'd like to add...but I'll have to explain it a bit, so please, bear with me.

I am largely in agreement with Lockit. Once someone begins using physical violence to relieve/express frustration, then it's time to consider yourself & your safety first. As a woman who has been there, such a choice comes with it's share of guilt -- that whole "How do I 'give up' when they need me?" thing.

Here's how: If I am the 'leader', the 'boss', the 'top', the 'head of the house', then I have a responsibility to lead by example. If I want someone else to tend to their illnesses, health, sanity, personal concerns in a timely manner then I have to do the same. Uncontrolled violence under 'my watch' puts me (& any others relying on me) at risk & that means I must tend to my safety in a timely manner.

This can be laid out as clearly as you like, but it's not a bargaining tool, a negotiation, or an ultimatum....as this below might sound to someone under pressure:

quote:

Original: redwoodgirl
"If he loves you and values your relationship, then he will comply.."
this is a quote that I plan on using today...

An ultimatum such as this can make someone who already feels cornered go over the edge. It's a mental/emotional "lose/lose" & they blame the one who gave the ultimatum....NOT the actual external stressor that has caused all this pressure to begin with. Speak of what you need to do for you & what you'd like him to do for him.

An ultimatum also suggests he can avoid this decision of yours to back off & regroup by promising compliance. Please don't make it a trade-off of "promises & threats" -- "I will toss you unless you get help" --> "I will get help if you don't toss me"...all those words do nothing for either of you. What's needed are the actions!

Remember this: by acting to protect yourself, you are preserving the half of the relationship that is your responsibility. This is good for you AND a good example for him....nothing to feel guilty over!

Keep all lines of communication open - daily calls, lots of laughter & encouragement....but maintain a safe physical perimeter.

Good luck to you!

~Kimveri

_____________________________

"You get what you accept."

"It is always wise to examine the facts from all angles before one renders a summary judgement."~_Marcus_

(in reply to redwoodgirl)

Post #: 47

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 8:10:34 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

redwoodgirl, my eyes are a bit crossed at the moment, but... I mentioned something yesterday I would like to elaborate on. Please do not push him right now. Trying to get him to talk, trying to force your will or wanting to fix it could make things worse. While I don't think that coddling him and letting him get away with things is right, it is also not okay to push right now because he could get worse.

Not many are willing to decide a make up or a break up in two weeks time. I understand. And I know you want it resolved, but until he is ready to talk, he may only get mad. Just be careful and in a calmer moment see what you can do. In the meantime, check into what you can do to make yourself safe if need be and what you can do even from online in checking out people who could help him if he is willing. If he isn't... and doesn't come around on his own... you will have to decide something whether you want to or not.

Hang in there!

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to lobodomslavery)

Post #: 48

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 8:32:01 AM

SimplyIsaac

Posts: 376
Joined: 12/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: redwoodgirl

Hi all, I hope everyone is doing well in the new year.
Id like a little advise, but first, some background.
Ive been with my honey for almost a year, and Ill brag and say he's pretty darn amazing.
Happy, helpfull, handsome, horny, everyhting you'd want in a boy :)
But lately he has been rebelling against EVERYTHING, his chores, his responsibilities, me, everything.
Hes become argumentative as well, he actually punched a hole in the wall a couple weeks ago.
We've recently moved, but we are still in the same town, so not removed from anything familiar.
When he is calm, and I talk to him, he tells me still wants to be my everything, but accepts little to no respnsibility
for either his attitue or his actions, but instead seems to lay blame everywhere else.

Its getting to the point where I am seriously thinking about dropping him, tho I do love him and want to help.
Anyone have any ideas?

I think you've gotten some very good advice here. That is, if the situation is as you describe. And that's the key problem with airing your personal troubles to a bunch of internet strangers. You are asking us to look into our crystal balls and give advice on something we have 0% experience with: YOUR personal relationship. Everyone's jumping on the guy in this thread, assuming he's mental, depressed, a potential wife beater, etc.

So he punched a wall. Ok. What about you? What type of leader needs an internet chat board to solve her personal communication problems? Might it be that you suck at managing a relationship? I can't say for sure. That's the funny thing. Offering advice for your rebellious boy is useless until we know the full story, and there are always two sides to it.

(in reply to redwoodgirl)

Post #: 49

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 8:46:39 AM

redwoodgirl

Posts: 243
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline

Issac,
Thanks for your words. Ive been on CM for a few years now, most of the frequent posters know me by my other name.
And some of them do have *crystal balls*, when it comes to the regulars, thtas why I posted here. I consider them my friends,
online, RL, SL, or whatever....
Theres no reason for me to describe my situation any other way, it is as it is. No one here would accuse me of being one of the trolls.
As for 'what about me', I do lead by example, I get up and get the kids ready for school, I get up and go to work and handle the house.
I have the life experience to do this, my honey, not so much yet.
I do not need the internet to solve my problems, but as everyone knows, it is a good thing to have people that you can sound off with,
to get advice, experience, and support from. There are people here that have been in the life longer than me and have much more experience,
I come here to hear their words of wisdom, and in a community such as this, its not hard to know who cares and who does not...

Lockit, and Kimvery, Thank you, I am trying to tread lightly, and it seems so far to be helping a bit, time will tell...
Kevin, I dont even know how to reply to your post lol. All I can say is that my issue isnt a lifetime movie, its not as bad as all that, but I do thank you for chiming in

_____________________________

The thing about music is, when it hits you, you feel no pain- Bob Marley

The treehugger formerly known as Domahpet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMnjF1O4eH0

''ahhhh you gonna take me home tonight....''

(in reply to SimplyIsaac)

Post #: 50

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 9:02:34 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyIsaac

quote:

ORIGINAL: redwoodgirl

Hi all, I hope everyone is doing well in the new year.
Id like a little advise, but first, some background.
Ive been with my honey for almost a year, and Ill brag and say he's pretty darn amazing.
Happy, helpfull, handsome, horny, everyhting you'd want in a boy :)
But lately he has been rebelling against EVERYTHING, his chores, his responsibilities, me, everything.
Hes become argumentative as well, he actually punched a hole in the wall a couple weeks ago.
We've recently moved, but we are still in the same town, so not removed from anything familiar.
When he is calm, and I talk to him, he tells me still wants to be my everything, but accepts little to no respnsibility
for either his attitue or his actions, but instead seems to lay blame everywhere else.

Its getting to the point where I am seriously thinking about dropping him, tho I do love him and want to help.
Anyone have any ideas?

I think you've gotten some very good advice here. That is, if the situation is as you describe. And that's the key problem with airing your personal troubles to a bunch of internet strangers. You are asking us to look into our crystal balls and give advice on something we have 0% experience with: YOUR personal relationship. Everyone's jumping on the guy in this thread, assuming he's mental, depressed, a potential wife beater, etc.

So he punched a wall. Ok. What about you? What type of leader needs an internet chat board to solve her personal communication problems? Might it be that you suck at managing a relationship? I can't say for sure. That's the funny thing. Offering advice for your rebellious boy is useless until we know the full story, and there are always two sides to it.

Are you saying that a leader of a particular relationship should know everything and never be confused or upset? Are you suggesting that someone in crisis not come here to bounce some ideas around or get some ideas... share their thoughts and feelings and try to figure something out? Are you feeding into the silence of a dominant so that she can appear to be domly? Are you suggesting that someone who is confused about something going on in a relationship... should not air their dirty laundry in a way that wasn't particully harsh or too detailed?

Are you feeding into that faulty belief that dominant's are better and less human than others? The code of silence that society expected in relationship matter's has lead to a lot of damage and I don't care to go back to the dark ages of silence, thank you very much.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to SimplyIsaac)

Post #: 51

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 9:15:33 AM

SimplyIsaac

Posts: 376
Joined: 12/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Are you saying that a leader of a particular relationship should know everything and never be confused or upset? Are you suggesting that someone in crisis not come here to bounce some ideas around or get some ideas... share their thoughts and feelings and try to figure something out? Are you feeding into the silence of a dominant so that she can appear to be domly? Are you suggesting that someone who is confused about something going on in a relationship... should not air their dirty laundry in a way that wasn't particully harsh or too detailed?

I'm saying you don't know squat about the individuals involved. General advice is good to give, but we need to do a reality check and suggest critical thinking to the other half of the relationship in question, too.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 52

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 9:29:08 AM

redwoodgirl

Posts: 243
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline

Issac, like I said earlier, Ive been around CM for a while, some of the people here do know me
and I appreciate their words of wisdom.

_____________________________

The thing about music is, when it hits you, you feel no pain- Bob Marley

The treehugger formerly known as Domahpet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMnjF1O4eH0

''ahhhh you gonna take me home tonight....''

(in reply to SimplyIsaac)

Post #: 53

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 9:47:36 AM

LadyEllen

Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline

One more thing Redwoodgirl/Domahpet to add to my earlier one liner.

If he needs to go off on his own to sort out whatever it is thats causing this in his own mind, dont see it as a rejection OK? As others have said, guys dont communicate like gals and they generally dont like to admit they have a problem to anyone. Often they prefer to sort their thoughts out in their own head before they can talk about them to someone else, and they dont welcome others trying to get involved, especially (strange as it is) the lady they love for whom they wish to appear "manly" and "strong" - which is difficult for women to understand perhaps.

I would suggest he writes a journal or diary to help him with this, for heavens' sake though, make sure he knows you wont read it unless he says so, or he writes it all down as a letter to you. The former allows him to organise and identify his thoughts so that he can become ready to divulge, the latter allows him to 'fess up without having to tell you face to face (which is scary for him) and to express himself more carefully than he might in speech.

Hope this helps.

E

_____________________________

In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

(in reply to redwoodgirl)

Post #: 54

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 11:12:08 AM

redwoodgirl

Posts: 243
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline

Thank you LadyEllen for your words.

This morning while he was making breakfast, I actually read him
this thread, and suprsingly he was in agreement with most of it!
With the exception of Issac and Kevin, and the bit about him
wanting someone new that is.
So after the dishes were done he went to his friends house for the morning,
I think I will go buy him a nice little notebook and see if he is into jounaling at all.

The moodiness and apathy and outburts will still have to be dealt with tho, and this I am
not looking forward to. I'd like your views Ladies, as to whether this is something you'd
see as punishable. The state of mind I am in says not to punish, but I also know that if
I take too long it will wind up as useless. Dont bother being gentle with me lol,
I can take it. Im aware that his mood could easily change at any time and Ive not let my guard down yet...

_____________________________

The thing about music is, when it hits you, you feel no pain- Bob Marley

The treehugger formerly known as Domahpet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMnjF1O4eH0

''ahhhh you gonna take me home tonight....''

(in reply to LadyEllen)

Post #: 55

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 12:00:13 PM

LadyEllen

Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline

Absolutely not Redwoodgirl; in my opinion at least, all bets are off for now until this is all sorted. What might be "fun and games" when he's in more stable mood may not be read as such in his current state, at least from what I am picking up on the nature of your relationship. Any "punishment" should be directed towards helping him to sort his problems out, not punishing him for having problems.

E

_____________________________

In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

(in reply to redwoodgirl)

Post #: 56

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 12:18:57 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I agree with Lady Ellen.

This is not the time and place for dynamics in my opinion. This is a serious problem that may include some aspect of the dynamic's or many other things that dynamic's could hinder or do further damage.

Time out...

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to LadyEllen)

Post #: 57

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 1:12:18 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm not especially sure that I would be looking at this from a punishment angle, either. Rather, I would be seeing it as a standard to set within the household. Regardless of the dynamic in place, this should be added to what you consider either acceptable or not acceptable behavior in your submissive. (I'm pretty sure that you've figured out that My vote is that is the not acceptable variety.) Since you are the person in authority, it would be My opinion that you determine what the consequences will be if there is a repeat of such inability in him controlling his own anger.

I would suggest that if there was damage to the wall that your boy be the one to repair it.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 58

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 1:29:47 PM

redwoodgirl

Posts: 243
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline

Congrats LadyPact, on your 10000th post! wow!

_____________________________

The thing about music is, when it hits you, you feel no pain- Bob Marley

The treehugger formerly known as Domahpet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMnjF1O4eH0

''ahhhh you gonna take me home tonight....''

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 59

RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy - 1/11/2010 1:54:08 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

LOL. I hadn't even realized!

Might be a rather fitting 10,000th post if it helps you and your boy in some way. I most certainly can't think of a better use for it.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to redwoodgirl)

Post #: 60

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