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Question to 24/7 Masters who are married to their submi... - 3/22/2006 2:11:04 PM   
mylittlesub


Posts: 30
Joined: 6/3/2005
Status: offline 		My Master/Husband and I have been at odds lately over several things (darn that real life getting in the way of the lovely kinky stuff!)  and I thought I might bring this to the general forum for those of you who qualify as noted above.

My question is this (and forgive me if I ramble, it's a bit of an emotional topic for me):  lately my Master's response to my feelings is to tell me (and I quote literally here, because I wrote it down) "It occurs to me that if your goal is for us NOT to part, that you would be more agreeable to my wishes and desires.  Point is you are the submissive. I thought it made you happy to do things as I wished, to take pleasure in it. To perhaps even have more rigidity in your life."

Am I wrong in being terribly stung by this remark, and am I somehow allowing my emotions to keep me from seeing his real meaning and lesson in this statement?  Someone please tell me it is meant as something more than hurtful.... I'm trying to, really I am. 

Thanks for all Masters/Mistresses who reply with sincerity - it's much appreciated!!  (I'm afraid I'm not much in the mood for flames)
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Question to 24/7 Masters who are married to their s... - 3/22/2006 2:25:07 PM   
goddessdevi


Posts: 9
Joined: 2/10/2006
Status: offline 		I would think he would have more respect for you than this.  It is true he is the master but a loving master would not in my opinion respond in such a way.  My response would be to gently remind you of your submissive position but assure you that your concerns would definitely be taken into consideration in the future.  Of course I would then do as I said and respect your concerns.  I feel for you and hope things go better soon.

(in reply to mylittlesub)
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RE: Question to 24/7 Masters who are married to their s... - 3/22/2006 2:55:19 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		I'm not able to answer your question.. because I don't believe that how I execute my position would be how you execute yours, so any advice I may have to give comes from a very different place. I just wanted to say that your journal entries are amazing and if your Master/husband opens up to you half as much as you open yourself up to everyone, there is hope for you. Don't lose heart.. your soul speaks volumes of you. If all else fails, you may try to ask permission to speak to him husband to wife rather than as Master/slave. I have no idea if such is allowed for you, but I can empathize with the pain you are going through, but no one here is going to be able to tell you what 'his' intent is in speaking those words.. only he can do that. I wish you well.. both of you.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to mylittlesub)
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RE: Question to 24/7 Masters who are married to their s... - 3/22/2006 3:34:15 PM   
cillydom


Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Sometimes it’s not what is desired that is the problem but how you are made to feel about fulfilling them

(in reply to mylittlesub)
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RE: Question to 24/7 Masters who are married to their s... - 3/22/2006 3:45:15 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mylittlesub

My Master/Husband and I have been at odds lately over several things (darn that real life getting in the way of the lovely kinky stuff!)  and I thought I might bring this to the general forum for those of you who qualify as noted above.


I am not sure what makes you think that a Master that is married to their slave and as compared to one that isn't would make a difference.  I have two slaves... one I happen to be married to and one that obviously I am not... the relationship as far as a M/s structure go are the same.

quote:


My question is this (and forgive me if I ramble, it's a bit of an emotional topic for me):  lately my Master's response to my feelings is to tell me (and I quote literally here, because I wrote it down) "It occurs to me that if your goal is for us NOT to part, that you would be more agreeable to my wishes and desires.  Point is you are the submissive. I thought it made you happy to do things as I wished, to take pleasure in it. To perhaps even have more rigidity in your life."


Ok... but what lead up to this statement.... what is the issues... what are the expectations of both of... this statement is just a statement... and doesn't come close to allow anything but a oh that's interesting.

quote:


Am I wrong in being terribly stung by this remark, and am I somehow allowing my emotions to keep me from seeing his real meaning and lesson in this statement?  Someone please tell me it is meant as something more than hurtful.... I'm trying to, really I am. 


maybe... then again maybe not... there is way to many questions to what lead up to this statement... and frankly, I find it strange that you would make the effort to write the statement down.  Was this written hours maybe a day later.... was it written at the time he said it... did you ask him to make sure it was correct.... In the end.. the words are just words... what was the context of the discussion... what are the expectations... my gut tells me that you both have some differences of understanding and this is leading to some serious issues. 


< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 3/22/2006 3:46:10 PM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to mylittlesub)
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RE: Question to 24/7 Masters who are married to their s... - 3/22/2006 4:08:25 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

"It occurs to me that if your goal is for us NOT to part, that you would be more agreeable to my wishes and desires.  Point is you are the submissive. I thought it made you happy to do things as I wished, to take pleasure in it. To perhaps even have more rigidity in your life."


We meet your qualifier, although our marriage is scheduled for August, we live 24/7 as M/s.

Sorry to say that a specific answer to your question is impossible.There isn't enough information as to what triggered your Master's response. That makes it tough to determine what he meant. I'm sure you'll hear this from others - did you ask him?

Generally the concept he has is correct pertaining to a slave, but if you identify as submissive, it isn't. We don't use those two terms interchangeably. As a slave, duty is to your Master and his definition of your relationship. Even your "happiness" at fulfilling those wishes and desires is not a required consideration. As a submissive it is; also the time, nature, and duties may be subject to fluctuation based upon your needs and desires.

How long have you been together? How long have you been his submissive? Is your relationship defined by a 'contract'? Is so, does it account for the realities of his and your "real life"? Have those conditions changed without a discussion or change in the understanding of responsibilities? Are his relationship goals and yours the same or at least compatible? Do each of you know what they are?

Sorry we couldn't be more helpful.

(in reply to mylittlesub)
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RE: Question to 24/7 Masters who are married to their s... - 3/22/2006 4:09:26 PM   
Valkyrieschains


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/19/2005
Status: offline


My question is this (and forgive me if I ramble, it's a bit of an emotional topic for me):  lately my Master's response to my feelings is to tell me (and I quote literally here, because I wrote it down) "It occurs to me that if your goal is for us NOT to part, that you would be more agreeable to my wishes and desires.  Point is you are the submissive. I thought it made you happy to do things as I wished, to take pleasure in it. To perhaps even have more rigidity in your life."

-I can't help but see a veiled threat here...are you discussing parting ways?  Unwillingness to have an open discussion regarding things so important as feelings is a huge flag for me.  The decision on what gets done ultimately is not mine, but my feelings and opinions are important to him and he would be most upset if I didn't express them appropriately.  One of my jobs as slave as directed by him is to do my best to help him be a better person, and therefore enhance our life together, and if I don't express my feelings on any subject, then I am very much remiss.

Am I wrong in being terribly stung by this remark, and am I somehow allowing my emotions to keep me from seeing his real meaning and lesson in this statement?  Someone please tell me it is meant as something more than hurtful.... I'm trying to, really I am. 

-I would be not only stung by this, I'd be pissed, and have a good long talk with myself about reevaluating the dynamics of my relationship.  Now, I don't know you, and I only know me-perhaps it's the way you're coming across that he's taking issue with, and not the feeling itself, are you issuing a challenge in his eyes somehow?

Either way, I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I hope you two straighten it out.

-Valky

(in reply to mylittlesub)
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RE: Question to 24/7 Masters who are married to their s... - 3/22/2006 4:37:13 PM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mylittlesub
My question is this (and forgive me if I ramble, it's a bit of an emotional topic for me):  lately my Master's response to my feelings is to tell me (and I quote literally here, because I wrote it down) "It occurs to me that if your goal is for us NOT to part, that you would be more agreeable to my wishes and desires.  Point is you are the submissive. I thought it made you happy to do things as I wished, to take pleasure in it. To perhaps even have more rigidity in your life."

Am I wrong in being terribly stung by this remark, and am I somehow allowing my emotions to keep me from seeing his real meaning and lesson in this statement?  Someone please tell me it is meant as something more than hurtful.... I'm trying to, really I am. 


I assume that you do not wish to part... as to being more agreeable to his desires & wishes, well, an outsider can't really comment on this topic. You are the submissive... He seems to believe this & I assume you believe this about yourself as well. I thought it made you happy & perhaps have more are obviously words used by someone who is also questioning just what is going on.

Time to re-evaluate. We all negotiate (or should) our relationships. As we grow together from a dating couple to a living together dealing with life day to day couple... things change. We have to keep up with the various issues that life will toss at us.

I am sure there are many things that you do that does please him & at the same time makes you happy to be pleasing him.

It's simply time to have a good ol' sit down & re-negotiate.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion


(in reply to mylittlesub)
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RE: Question to 24/7 Masters who are married to their s... - 3/22/2006 4:54:22 PM   
Master Marc


Posts: 1
Joined: 4/28/2004
Status: offline 		Unfortunately without elaborating a bit on the circumstances and the issues presented in your life, then it would be hard to give you just a quick simple answer.   
Real life throws many hurdles, and opportunities for growth our way.  (Children, bills, jobs, time, and, feelings).  Feelings of quilt? Regret? Uncertainty? Trust? And, fear? etc.  I think you understand that there are too many points not revealed to really answer your question.

Yet after reading your words that you quoted that your Master/Husband said to you it made me want to write to you immediately.  As a submissive i understand how much i need the rigidness of Master’s control over me, although at times i would be the first to admit that i do not always like it.  i just like you, enjoy pleasing Master; however i do not always enjoy doing or having done to me what pleases Master.  One thing that remains true. i am His submissive because i willingly submitted to Him! Because i wanted to! Because i needed to! i yearned to!   Master like your Husband willingly accepted that control over me.  He decides on the type of submissive He wants and desires and just what it will take to achieve that in me.  If i forget my place, and i do, Master is the first to bring me back and remind me of who i am (i would not want it any other way).   But Master too will tell me something similar that your Master just told you.  Master will say if you deliberately disobey, or if you’re not going to listen… than go.     Are you looking for a Husband or a Master? If it was a Husband that you were looking for your mistaken,  I made it perfectly clear that I was looking for a submissive/slave and not a wife. I am your Master first, then I am your husband second.   Although the words seem a bit stunning, they are just reality.  Master is not using them to make me want to give up, or leave, or throw the towel in. He is not telling me that He wants to remove His collar. He is just reminding me that i choose to be His submissive and if the Master/submissive relationship is going to work than i better wake up and remember who i am, and more importantly who He is!  I hope this helps.

(in reply to mylittlesub)
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RE: Question to 24/7 Masters who are married to their s... - 3/22/2006 4:56:41 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Well is what he is saying true?  If yes, then you've got a place to start.  If not, you've got a place to start.

The problem really isn't in his statement, it's in the fact that the statement ignores all of the other things that relationships need AND doesn't take any personal responsibility for the conflicts going on.  Rarely are conflicts the cause of one person's lacking in relationships.

You guys both need to sit down and talk about expectations, clear the air, review everything.  Without blaming eachother.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mylittlesub)
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RE: Question to 24/7 Masters who are married to their s... - 3/22/2006 8:54:01 PM   
mylittlesub


Posts: 30
Joined: 6/3/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you so much to everyone who has posted - all had great insight and questions, and yes I did realize that I hadn't been able to completely give all the facts surrounding the culmination of this question, but I knew it would lead to some great insight.

As background for those that have asked, my Master and I have been together for many years - going on six - and have been married for about three.  We have a 21-month-old daughter, which has (obviously) changed our relationship dramatically, and I'm not sure that we're even yet fully recovered from that catastrophic event, even as wonderful as it is   She is my third child (I have two other children - both teenagers, one in college), and his first.

What has begun to concern me is a lack of focus on his part - a "softening", if you will.  In becoming a father, I sense a conflict brewing in him that, on one hand, wants to defer to my experience as a parent, and yet can't seem to correlate that with his (and MY!) need for him to be the Master.  Adding fuel to his frustration is a great deal of stress with his job, and I've begun to feel as if I'm having to walk on eggshells.

My focus has always been to please him, to serve him with all my heart - not because it's my gift to him, but because it is my NEED to be that for him.  Yet he has lately become so frustrated with our disagreements (and I am ashamed to say I am terrible at keeping my temper in check when emotions and my fear runs amok!) that he has begun questioning whether our option might be to simply tear up our Contract (yes, we have had one for years and review it annually, at minimum) and walk away from our D/s philosophies, and remain "merely husband and wife".  His simply raising that as an "option" frightens me to my core, and I become so freaked out that I have difficulty knowing how to talk to him without getting more of those questions. 

For those that asked how I would be able to quote my Master verbatim - quite often when we have a disagreement and he loses his temper, he will walk away to cool off and often sit down and write to me, or chat via yahoo (I don't claim us to be normal, folks, hehehe).  We have both agreed that not being face-to-face can sometimes help to mitigate some of the emotion we both feel when things become very heated - and it does, because then our statements are in black and white and less apt to be misconstrued.

Basically, I'm feeling a little panicky about things, and it's not normally my nature to question the strength of his control, but I'm beginning to feel very insecure.  I know you Masters are human, but is that something I should simply shrug off as him blowing off steam?? 

If there are certain ways that heated topics can be presented to you in a way that you would hear them more rationally and less "defensively", I would certainly be grateful to hear of them.  I am trying so hard not to step on his toes or make him feel less respected than he already apparently does, but how do I help him to see how scared he's making me by making those sort of statements??  What can I ask for if he actually DOES say "what is it you want me to do" that wouldn't be out of place or make me sound as if I'm topping from the bottom??

Again, my sincerest thanks to all who have replied with such heartfelt comments and questions... it's very comforting to hear other input in something that is so very personal and sensitive.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Question to 24/7 Masters who are married to their s... - 3/23/2006 6:14:45 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		My first suggestion given this new information is to schedule a twice monthly night out date together.  It's SO easy for new parents to get caught up in ALWAYS being there with NO time for the core you/him relationship.  Time to start looking up family/babysitters and making your relationship a mutual priority with being parents.

You need to rediscover eachother within your new roles.  Try and have fun with it.  Get off the computer and take a night on the town together.  It won't solve everything, but it's a good start.  Try both of you listing "If things were perfect, we would do this..." and get into the spirit of doing things together.  Try saying things like "I really used to love when you did this, and I'd like us to focus on doing that more now."  Or "I get really tired at having to do this chore all the time and don't know how to work around it."

Use all of these issues as a launchpad to solve them together.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mylittlesub)
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RE: Question to 24/7 Masters who are married to their s... - 3/23/2006 7:45:29 AM   
Duncan


Posts: 19
Joined: 1/19/2004
Status: offline 		I have two thoughts on this.

1st you said your feeling panicy about this. In other words your feeling stress and worry. While I dont know the complete situation nor know you or him. I do know worry. I would suggest you read "How to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. While I know this isnt the quick answer to your problems you want I honestly think it will help you alot in both this and future situations.

2nd you said you recently had a kiddo. Thats naturally going to change the relationship and take it to a point where you D/s relationship has to change some. While I know its not the thing you or he wants to do. It might be best to just put the D/s part on hold and just be married a bit. He will still be there and still have needs and wants you can satisfy. Its just without the D/s part there your more open to talk and negotiate things out. Me and my wife/sub have had to do that in the past when outside things forced the D/s relationship to change. We put it on hold and then came back to it when we figured out the way to make it easily work again. In our case that was about a 3 year break. Even when she wasnt my sub she still did her best to please me.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Question to 24/7 Masters who are married to their s... - 3/23/2006 6:45:16 PM   
MrThorns


Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mylittlesub

"It occurs to me that if your goal is for us NOT to part, that you would be more agreeable to my wishes and desires.  Point is you are the submissive. I thought it made you happy to do things as I wished, to take pleasure in it. To perhaps even have more rigidity in your life."


I completely understand this statement and I don't believe it is intended to be mean-spirited.  I'm sure it hurts to hear such things...but sometimes the things that hurt to hear are the things we need to hear the most.  I'll give you my interpretation of this statement;

If you entered into this relationship as a submissive or slave, wasn't it your intention to serve and obey your master?  You might not like the direction your master is taking you at times...ok.  Maybe he will listen to your concerns... maybe not.  He is really under no obligation to do anything but lead you to where he wants you to go within the parameters of your relationship.  Do you find happiness in your service to your master?  Do you find hapiness in the structure he provides?  If you do, then why would you fight the structure he is providing?

I hope you understand what I'm getting at.

quote:


Am I wrong in being terribly stung by this remark, and am I somehow allowing my emotions to keep me from seeing his real meaning and lesson in this statement? 


Wrong? Nah....not in my book.  It hurt to hear.  How you react to the information is the important thing.  I would highly suggest that you take your feelings back to your master and discuss with him how you feel about the statement and any lessons you have learned from it.

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to mylittlesub)
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