Newbie with a very broad question (Full Version)

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MaybeMeMaybeNot -> Newbie with a very broad question (1/11/2010 3:45:27 PM)

I am new to the forum, new to the idea, not really a dominant (I don't think), but I had to choose one to join...

Anywho, I have come to this community looking for information and hoping some of you can answer some questions or enlighten me a bit. I may use the lingo incorrectly, my apologies if I do...

I recently met a male submissive who is interested in me being his dominant....I have never done that before but apparently he sees potential in me and I do feel some inkling in the far reaches of my mind. We have been discussing the lifestyle but I am still unclear, can't quite come to grasps with some aspects, well most, of it all...he suggested I come to this site to learn more, so here I am.

I guess for starters, I am looking for the female dominate perspective on why it works for you and what you get out of it. On the surface, a young man who worships me and will do anything I ask is quite appealing, but I don't quite understand the unequal ground or the demanding they do things a certain way or will be punished type of thinking. Plus a zillion other things, but we can start there...lol

I am open minded, I truly am interested and want to research, learn and understand what it is all about to see if maybe it is within me and something I would like to pursue.

Any comments, answers, questions, group chat, one on one chat, etc. would be greatly appreciated.



LadyPact -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/11/2010 3:53:45 PM)

I'm taking this response that I wrote to someone who basically asked the same question in another section of the boards.  A good deal of it will apply to you as well.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Since you're just starting out, I'm going to recommend a few things.  Reading "The Loving Dominant" is always a good suggestion and there are a lot of other good books out there as well.  You'll find one list of books in MasterFireMaam's signature line and there is a rather good list under the Alternative Lifestyle In The News section.  Use the search criteria keyword book and author Resident Sadist.

Also, I'd suggest getting out into your local BDSM community.  Use google to do a search for munch groups in your area.  There, you will find folks who are participating in D/s and M/s dynamics.  You're going to find that there are a lot of different ways to be doing this thing.  Between seeing how folks incorporated this into their lives and the reading material, you'll have a beginning point of exploration to the type of Dominant that suits you.  It tends to help if you do some self exploration so you can base your thoughts on what type of Dominant that you want to be is based on knowledge, rather than conjecture.

In My opinion, there really is a difference between having a Dominant personality and being a Dominant.  Having the personality type only gets you so far.  Being a Dominant has much more to do with creating a dynamic with someone who chooses to submit to you.  There's never a one sided coin.  Since you have someone that wants to explore this with you, I tend to think you are ahead of the game.





MaybeMeMaybeNot -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/11/2010 4:27:27 PM)

Thanks so much LadyPact for the suggestions and input, I really do appreciate it. :-)



MsDDom -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/11/2010 6:03:08 PM)

quote:

I guess for starters, I am looking for the female dominate perspective on why it works for you and what you get out of it. On the surface, a young man who worships me and will do anything I ask is quite appealing, but I don't quite understand the unequal ground or the demanding they do things a certain way or will be punished type of thinking. Plus a zillion other things, but we can start there...lol


I honestly try not to answer these types of questions because no matter what I say I like or due, it may not be what someone else particularly likes or does. You yourself have to determine what you like about the lifestyle that interests you AND then figure out what you'd get out of certain aspects of the lifestyle. If you don't understand the "unequal ground", then why would dominating a man satisfy or fulfill you? What dynamics do you like w/in BDSM? What turns you on to see a male submitting to you? Ask yourself some questions...research...read material like the one in LadyPact's post.

That would be my suggestion before (or if) "interviewing" Dommes as to why we do what we do...because ultimately, it is going to vary b/c each of us has our individual likes.

Enjoy~



LadyAngelika -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/11/2010 6:59:29 PM)

You've gotten some great advice so far. I'd put a lot of emphasis on following your instincts and your desires.

When I first started out, I was fine with my dominance but my sadistic side took a little getting used to. Meditating on how I wanted to express it helped a lot.

quote:

I guess for starters, I am looking for the female dominate perspective


The very first lesson: it is Female Dominant (or Domme or Domina or FemDom) but never dominate. Dominate is a verb ;-)

Most of all, have fun!!

- LA




dreamerdreaming -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/11/2010 8:50:27 PM)

1. Safety first, always. Take good care of each other.

2. You will both make mistakes. So, be quick to apologize, quick to forgive, and able to move on- lessons learned.

3. Don't take yourselves too seriously. Laugh and have FUN exploring together!

4. There will be stuff about each of you that bothers the other. That would happen with any couple. So, the difference is in how you each handle those things that bother you, about the other. Be charitable with each other and handle the annoying things with patience and understanding.

5. Talk about everything so that expectations, and needs and desires are clear, and write down some short term, mid-range and long-term goals, both D/s and vanilla. Together make a plan, and a timeline for its implementation. Put it up in a place where you'll see it often, to refer to. Change and readjust as needed, and help each other work toward realizing joint and individual goals. We are all entitled to strive for self-fulfillment, or self-actualization- and the chance to achieve it. The chance to become more and more ourselves, with each passing day. That is the goal: mutual self-realization, or self-actualization. Being who we are, and becoming who we want to be, together- as a team.
  Don't be others' porn-induced stereotype of what you think they want. ASK what they want- sure they might want you in a red leather corset and stillettos, but don't give them that unless you really want it too.

6. Enjoy this chance! Life is a grand adventure! Don't take this opportunity, or each other, for granted. Every day let each other know how much you care, and appreciate each other's efforts.

7. Funishment is lovely, and needs no reason other that you want to (f)unish. But real punishment isn't neccesary. You can have a successful D/s dynamic with an obedient boy, and punishment won't be needed because he won't disobey on purpose . He'll be very careful to be obedient to you.

The above is good advice for vanilla or D/s, BTW.   [:)]



MaamJay -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/11/2010 9:07:21 PM)

As one who both dominates (and I liked LadyAngelika's little lesson on that one) and submits ... I can give the OP a bit of insight as to what I get out of both sides of the kneel.

As a Dominant, in daily life, I enjoy being in the controlling position. I like having someone who WANTS to do what I want him to do in the way that I want him to do it, whether it's the dishes, the laundry, painting the fence, whatever. I like that he gets satisfaction from pleasing Me. I like having someone I have trained to be a great delegate for Me. It makes life easier, more streamlined, gives Me more time for the fun things. I also enjoy the process of building each other up in the relationship, both of us pushing ourselves to become better people. I don't regard subs as "broken", we are all works in progress, and a good relationship allows Me to pass on what I have learned to him ... and for him to pass on what he has learned to Me.

As far as bdsm is concerned, I am a loving sadist, I enjoy inflicting pain mainly for where it takes his mind. I love taking My subs into subspace and seeing their responses. I thrive on the incredible connection that aftercare of him brings to us. I enjoy being creative, dreaming up new things to try, perverting everyday objects into nifty little toys. I am good at thinking on My feet and responding to what is happening during a play scene.

Sexually, being a Dominant means I get what I want and when I want it (within the bounds of male possibilities!). To that end, I want a sub that functions sexually, not interested in a cuckold or eunuch-type. I like having a sub who enjoys pampering Me, who gets pleasure from giving Me a massage or combing My hair.

Sadly at the moment I am bereft of a sub so not getting all of these goodies! But I remain an optimist.

i am also a sub/slave to Master with whom i live 24/7. When My Domme side finds a sub, the intent would be for him to join this household full time, so 2 would become 3. Master and i prefer to use the term slave for me, though it wouldn't have the levels of property-ownership that some would attribute to the term.

As Master's slave ... i enjoy being on the other end of all that i wrote about above! In daily life, i enjoy letting Him have the reins of control, He does the thinking and deciding and i am free of that burden. Have to admit that at times He chooses to delegate and if He does that too much, i lose that freedom and we have to talk it through. i love serving Him, making meals that He likes etc though i'm not quite so keen to clean the stove unbidden as i was when we first met! (That was some weird aberration LOL!).

For lots of reasons, we've not done much bdsm play over the past year and i have missed it. We are discussing how we can recapture this side of our lives in our new living situation in a mobile home. i love going to subspace, love that feeling of absolute trust, love that connection with Him.

Sexually i love the way He takes me, gives me a thrill every time. i am so lucky as one of His greatest pleasures is to play with me ... He loves controlling me, keeping me right on the edge for ages. He gets more easily aroused when He plays with me than when i touch Him, it's just the way He's wired and i consider that very fortunate for me! i probably cum harder as a slave than as a Domme ... simply because i can totally let go, He is in control.

I am definitely not typical here, not even like a lot of switches who operate their 2 sides more separately. I've been called a Duality, someone who operates best in both ways simultaneously ... a true Gemini LOL! While only one of my sides is active, there is a sense of imbalance, and Master understands that very well. He'd love for Me to find a sub ... reckons it would take the pressure off Him in many ways and I think He's right. However, I am hoping that the descriptions I have offered here will give insight into what both a Dominant and a submissive may get from a healthy functioning relationship.

Good luck in your learning journey OP! Ask lots of questions!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]



MaybeMeMaybeNot -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/11/2010 10:00:13 PM)

quote:

If you don't understand the "unequal ground", then why would dominating a man satisfy or fulfill you? What dynamics do you like w/in BDSM? What turns you on to see a male submitting to you?


Excellent questions to ask myself, thank you for that and for your input. :-)



MaybeMeMaybeNot -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/11/2010 10:01:58 PM)

quote:

The very first lesson: it is Female Dominant (or Domme or Domina or FemDom) but never dominate. Dominate is a verb ;-)


I appreciate the lesson, but in my defense, it was just a typo, I swear. lol

Thanks for your input. :-)



MaybeMeMaybeNot -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/11/2010 10:05:11 PM)

quote:

The above is good advice for vanilla or D/s, BTW.


Indeed it is! :-)

Again, I appreciate your response, the list was extremely helpful to me, #7 was a lightbulb moment, thank you for that...:-)



MaybeMeMaybeNot -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/11/2010 10:07:25 PM)

quote:

Good luck in your learning journey OP! Ask lots of questions!


Both perspectives is good, thanks so much! Everyone here has been so very helpful, you guys are great! :-)



Ladynslave -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/11/2010 11:28:24 PM)

You asked what we get out of it.  Answers will vary mistress to mistress, but what I get out of it is knowing that here is a man that is so under my thumb that if he ever does anything against my wishes, he knows for sure that the relationship is at an end.  Things work my way or no way.  (Yes, I have a few relationship issues.  LOL!)  I grew up in a single parent household where Mom didn't have any help from my biological father.  I was raised to be a strong woman that can deal with anything on her own.  I don't need a man in my life to accomplish anything.  Yet adding a slave to my life has only added to my life in that his only focus is making my life easier.  And he's thrilled when he makes me happy.  I didn't realize how much a man could contribute until I met him.

To add to dreamerdreaming's list, create a safe word or words.  We personally have two.  One is to say hey, stop and talk to me for a few minutes, something is going wrong but not so wrong that I don't wish to continue playing once we discuss it and work it out.  The other is for STOP EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW, something has gone very wrong and all play needs to stop for the day/night.

Lady



Whipstress -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/12/2010 1:32:53 AM)

MaybeMeMaybeNot.....

A few good "ahha" moments I had in the beginning were:

1. Understanding entitlement and being comfortable with it. "I deserve this and he enjoys and needs to provide it.

2. Don't get too involved in what "they" say is the right way or wrong way a Dominant "should" be. Being a Dominant means it's YOUR way, whatever that way is. Please don't get hung up in the public venues ideas, or what a book says is the right way. You decide what you want and I promise, you will have fewer curves thrown at you by all the so called "protocol" out there. I do not think the public communities are the way to go until you have established who you are as a Domme.

3. Maintain your respect and dignity. You do not have to give in to the "madonna whore" idea. You don't have to cheapen yourself to be a dynamic high classed Dominant Woman. Be who you are. That's what makes you Dominant.

4. Some of the best experience and learning you will get will be from male submissives. Just listen to them, make it your own and do it as you want, or not. I never do anything just because they say they want it. I do it because it was a good idea that I take as my own and elaborate on for my satisfaction, which is ultimately their satisfaction. Subs LOVE for you to enjoy what you do to them....it tickles me so much that one of the qualities they enjoy is that I can't help but laugh at what I do...after years of doing it, I still can't believe anyone would let me do some the stuff I do to them, and I love it. Make it your fun, even if it's sadistic. <w>.

Good luck, Whipstress ~



Lucienne -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/12/2010 4:18:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Whipstress

1. Understanding entitlement and being comfortable with it. "I deserve this and he enjoys and needs to provide it.


Huge agreement with this point. I'm not even sure where to start explaining all the reasons I agree.

Edit to Add: my own tip for the OP, a blindfold is your friend. Make some incidental noise and let his imagination run wild while you try to get your shit together or giggle to yourself "I can't believe I'm actually doing this."



MaybeMeMaybeNot -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/12/2010 10:00:00 AM)

quote:

(Yes, I have a few relationship issues. LOL!)


Don't we all, to some extent. LOL I just left a 21 year marriage where I never really felt wanted, loved, desired, understood, appreciated, etc., ...I am now moving on to the next stage in my life....

I appreciate your input. :-)



MaybeMeMaybeNot -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/12/2010 10:01:48 AM)

quote:

few good "ahha" moments I had in the beginning were:


Thank you, thank you, thank you! This list totally spoke to me, you rock! :-)



MaybeMeMaybeNot -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/12/2010 10:03:01 AM)

quote:

Edit to Add: my own tip for the OP, a blindfold is your friend


Thanks for the tip, it totally makes sense. :-)



MsMillgrove -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/12/2010 11:22:46 AM)

I disagree with the statement to avoid public communities until you know who you are as a domme as advised by Whipstress. It takes a long time to discover "who" you are, part of that discovery is related to using the tools of the trade. Becoming confident with technique is much easier when you can see how others do it, when you ask for help and another domme shows you. How do you"know" if you like to inflict pain, until you try it? And do you want to try it with no knowledge, using only books or porn as your guide? Can your sub be subbing and instructing at the same time? No.

That's one of the values of the public community: hands on learning and extensive educational opportunities. You also can gain insight from listening to other dommes, watching them. The modelling of behavior by a domme with her sub/slave, who've maintained a successful d/s dynamic for many years, is a meaningful life lesson.

Finding out who you are as a domme is a lengthy journey. The more you expose yourself to educational opportunities, develope confidence and experience, the more you'll come to understand who you are.



AlexandraLynch -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/12/2010 1:15:34 PM)

There's a thrill when someone voluntarily, out of their heart, hands part of their power over to you. I can't explain it, but it's deep and beautiful. There is also something very intimate, as intimate as sexual intercourse but not the same thing, watching someone writhe in pain you gave them and they remain there, don't safeword, and offer up the experiencing of the pain for you to see. That's an amazingly intense thing, and it doesn't reduce down to a few words very well for me. I didn't know all this until I experienced it, and have learned I like certain tools and not others by "co-topping" with others at play parties. The community has helped me figure out what sort of a domme I was, and how to safely do what I find I like to do. Plus, I discovered I like having an audience. (grin) 



MaybeMeMaybeNot -> RE: Newbie with a very broad question (1/12/2010 2:15:41 PM)

quote:

Finding out who you are as a domme is a lengthy journey. The more you expose yourself to educational opportunities, develope confidence and experience, the more you'll come to understand who you are.


Thanks for your reply and input....I am on information over load right now, but that is good thing, it has been very helpful to me to read what everyone has said so far... :-)



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