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Can't decide or want to deny? - 3/22/2006 6:06:30 PM   
kiale


Posts: 23
Joined: 12/11/2005
Status: offline 		I had a good experience with someone recently, did everything 'right', as far pre negotiation, taking my time, being comfortable, all of that, several pre-meets before we did anything together, the whole thing.

He loves to give pain, he's a sadist with a conscience, if there can be such a thing.  I've never really explored my pain limits and wanted to do so with him. Turns out I have a pretty low pain threshhold. 

I keep flipping from being absolutely convinced that I could never handle the amount of pain he would want to enjoy giving on a regular basis, and wanting to give him another chance to push and force surrender again.  It wouldn't be so complicated if he weren't so damnably perfect in every other facet I have experienced, and outside of my lack of tolerance to pain he equally finds me a gem.

Do others struggle to know their own mind, has anyone been in that kind of a situation?  I'm afraid of sacrificing too much to get what I want, of bargaining in pain for the support, love, encouragement, and guidance he would offer.  I never want to wake up and realize I'm bitter, or angry.  At the same time, I'm still intensely drawn to him, to what he wants to do, even though I know I hate the pain and would try to avoid it--except that he wouldn't let me.

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RE: Can't decide or want to deny? - 3/22/2006 6:16:50 PM   
joesmsg


Posts: 1
Joined: 10/14/2005
Status: offline 		From my experience, the need to deliver pain is up to the point of a dom's appetite. I've had subs who weren't very masochistic, and was left with an internal disappointment that I couldn't let myself be freer - and subs who were so extreme that I felt satiated at the end while they still craved more pain. I had an internal point that I needed to reach

I am glad everything else is so perfect from both sides, maybe you can negotiate about this point more, just like a vanilla couple does. It's not every night that you wear that special lingerie, or give him a massage. Likewise, on special occasions you will give in to more pain and he will realize the special gift you're giving him. Who knows, he might appreciate you more for it. Just don't be too stingy...

(in reply to kiale)
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RE: Can't decide or want to deny? - 3/22/2006 7:14:56 PM   
LaMspeach


Posts: 794
Joined: 12/4/2004
From: Philadelphia area, PA
Status: offline

kiale,
I had the same problem, i didn't like pain much at all and struggled with thoughts about being able to please Master in that area. I didnt want to lose myself trying to give something i couldnt. As our relationship grow, so did my devotion, need to please and my tolerance for "HIS" pain. I believe my tolerance for pain grow because of the trust i have in Master. He always know when i had enough and when to push me just a little farther. Now i am at the point where i crave "HIS" pain.

When the connection is there the possibilities are unlimited. From what you said it seems the connection is there. So my advice would to communicate with him, tell him your fears and see what he suggests. If you get to the point where you aren't satisfying his sadistic needs and everything else is there, perhaps he could find a play partner to fulfill that one want/ need.

< Message edited by LaMspeach -- 3/22/2006 7:19:19 PM >

_____________________________

peach ~ LordandMasters devoted alpha slave
"Only when the year has grown cold does one know that the pine and cypress are the last to wither"



(in reply to kiale)
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RE: Can't decide or want to deny? - 3/22/2006 7:19:50 PM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		He has the wrong girl...you can't handle pain...and he wants to dish it out....Fuck, kiss and say goodbye.....you both leave happy and disapointed, but such is life.....wah, wah, wah.

Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to LaMspeach)
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RE: Can't decide or want to deny? - 3/22/2006 7:19:51 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Ditto to Peach and adding- just give it time.  See where things go.  If you ultimately decide it isn't working, then that's what it is.  But there's no rush to decide either way right now.

Pain threshholds can change immensly depending on time of month (even time of day), type of pain, place of pain, speed, power, and many other variables.

Even if you end up not being able to really take any sort of pain, that doesn't necessarily mean you aren't good in a relationship together.  And if it does, it sucks but you will move on so that both of you can find what you really need.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to kiale)
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RE: Can't decide or want to deny? - 3/22/2006 7:39:56 PM   
wetsub000


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline 		Hello kiale

I understand your feelings I've had similar thoughts after playing with a lovely couple of sadists.  I really enjoyed myself until we got to a point where the pain was no longer pleasurable, but because I wanted to please them I forced myself to continue to endure.  It wasn't their fault, they stopped immediately when I let them know I couldn't take any more, but it was me.  I had allowed my desire to please to lead me into a place I didn't really want to go.

Now, this was however a more casual encounter and not with someone I felt I could form a lasting relationship with.  I think I agree with most of the other posters.  If everything else is there perhaps you should give it more of a trial.  Treated properly your pain threshold I think will naturally increase - I know mine has - though I don't think I'll ever be a masochist.  Just be open about your feelings and concerns and see how he feels too.

Good luck

(in reply to kiale)
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RE: Can't decide or want to deny? - 3/22/2006 8:44:37 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		To the OP..I agree with most on here,as with anything you start slow and build as does ones tolerence.With what you have started it would be a shame to end it prematurely.Give it time and his patience and see where this road leads you...be well....tempting

(in reply to wetsub000)
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RE: Can't decide or want to deny? - 3/22/2006 8:51:46 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline 		I've known several submissives who made the statement that they could not handle a lot of pain, but their Masters were sadists, and they felt inadequate for not being able to take more.  In every instance, in watching them play, it wasn't that they couldn't handle the pain; it was that the dominant gave them no warmup.  If it starts hard and heavy, you're less likely to be able to take as much as you would if it were built upon slowly and methodically.
 
Of course, there IS something to be said for just causing pain - just to watch 'em squirm and scream. 

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Can't decide or want to deny? - 3/23/2006 6:08:47 AM   
jennalynn


Posts: 67
Joined: 3/17/2006
Status: offline 		kiale,

i remember years back when a 1-10 scale was used to gather my pain tolerance level,  in some areas i could not even get to a 2...LOL.   Now i hit the 8-10 mark on anything tried. 

my point?   Take your time, if everything else is there and He is willing to be patient, enjoy the trip and open your arms WIDELY to Him.

jenna


(in reply to kiale)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Can't decide or want to deny? - 3/23/2006 6:15:34 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I have a different take on this matter.  if he is so perfect in evey way but you cannot take the pain then this might not be the right Dom for you.  I agree though maybe you can talk to him about this and work out a plan that will make you both happy.

As for myself i hate pain it does nothing for me except hurt (even with a warm  up)  so i was lucky to find a wonderful Master who does not like to give pain.  Of course he will punish me if i deserve it though.

Good luck hope it works out for you.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to jennalynn)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Can't decide or want to deny? - 3/26/2006 7:24:55 PM   
Takethiswaltz


Posts: 199
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		I wouldn't discount the potential of this relationship so quickly.
Pain is a strange thing- with the right headspace most can endure much more than they thought.  If this particular dominant is willing to leave the pain out of it for awhile, you two can become even better acquainted and will learn to relax on a deeper level than you have so far. Really, focus and relaxation is key in pain endurance and you may find yourself in a better place with a higher tolerance down the road.  Discuss this with your new dom and see if he is willing to be
"vanilla" for awhile.

_____________________________

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in...

~Leonard Cohen~

(in reply to kiale)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Can't decide or want to deny? - 3/26/2006 8:21:15 PM   
Merritt27


Posts: 82
Joined: 8/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaMspeach

kiale,
I had the same problem, i didn't like pain much at all and struggled with thoughts about being able to please Master in that area. I didnt want to lose myself trying to give something i couldnt. As our relationship grow, so did my devotion, need to please and my tolerance for "HIS" pain. I believe my tolerance for pain grow because of the trust i have in Master. He always know when i had enough and when to push me just a little farther. Now i am at the point where i crave "HIS" pain.

When the connection is there the possibilities are unlimited. From what you said it seems the connection is there. So my advice would to communicate with him, tell him your fears and see what he suggests. If you get to the point where you aren't satisfying his sadistic needs and everything else is there, perhaps he could find a play partner to fulfill that one want/ need.


LaMspeach....you took the words right out of my mouth!  When i first met my Master...i was the girl with the profile that specifically said "not interested in a pain centered relationship"........now, i crave his hand and anything that it administers. 

My advice, take it slow...make sure you communicate and see where it takes you.  You may just find yourself asking for a hard spanking or maybe not...either way, you gave the relationship a fair chance.  Good Luck!!

_____________________________

Proud Partner to PlayfulOne

(in reply to LaMspeach)
Profile   Post #: 12
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