AAkasha
Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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I understand what you are saying about this: Your wife understands the concepts of S&M, since she's been on the submissive side. She's also open minded enough to talk to you about it. But how can you, a man, tell her, a woman, what feels good about being a dominant? There are a lot of resources out there - my advice is to read the ones written by lifestyle femdoms.
My site - Akasha's Web - has been up since 1995. I have a section specifically for women, as an example. Here's a short excerpt that you can use as a talking point with your wife - it's a section I pulled from "Enjoying Female Dominance."
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There is one tool I believe that is most essential to any expression of dominance. And that is the desire to and comfort with dominance.
This is the chapter that is missing from the books. This is what entire books should be written on. But attaining that comfort and desire I believe is a different road for many women, and unfortunately by the time they start looking for that road, they are already disillusioned about dominance.
Because, chances are, someone suggested they get into it. Someone has already laid out their expectations and that's what sent this woman looking for that road. Because she wants to please her partner. So the complete foundation for dominance is already flawed.
I believe a woman comfortable in her dominance should want to please herself first, and her partner second. It doesn't matter if it is 51% to 49%; she must reserve that little bit of space for herself. With some men, the more she tips the scale in her own favor, the more pleasure he would get from the scene.
I believe most submissive men have desires that can be mapped on an x/y axis. If the x-axis is "Fetishes" and the y-axis is "her dominance", you can map his desires two ways. One is how much emphasis he places on having his specific desires met; the hardcore submissive with several very specific fetishes (ie, he wants to be forced to worship feet, wants to be cross dressed, or wants specific kinds of pain) place him high on the x-axis. If he does not really care how "into it" she is, then the mark on the y-axis can be low. In this case, he probably could be content with a woman who just read up on the technique and acted out the fantasy for him.
However, many men need to know their partner is really enjoying his submission. Some of them require it at least on a minimal level; others really want her to thrive on it. The importance they place on this desire can be mapped on the y-axis. If the acts that he must endure for her pleasure are not specific in his fantasies, the mark on the x-axis can be low. I find this submissive to be the easiest to work with because my drive for dominance is high, but I prefer not to have to deal with too many submissive agendas.
Now, a submissive with a very high fetish-drive, and a high drive for a woman with pure dominance in her blood is the most difficult type of man, in my opinion, to satisfy. Not only does he have a significant list of fetishes that he needs to feel fulfilled, but he desires a woman with a very high dominance drive to make him do them and enjoy it, honestly and truthfully, as much, if not more, than he does. Phew! I think these men are going to be looking a very long time, and may want to consider readjusting their expectations in one of the two areas.
In helping a woman learn to enjoy dominance, my goal is just to bring her up on that y-axis, even if it is a little bit. Unfortunately, by the time women start looking for their dominance, several negative things have happened that will undermine it ever being developed.
First, they were probably presented with their partner's agenda. After all, very few men will just suggest that a woman should experiment with the vague term "domination". He may have suggested bondage; he may have asked her to control his orgasm. I've heard of some men even presenting the idea of dildo or strap-on play to a woman who has never considered domination in any form.
This immediately puts some level of expectation on the woman, whether that was her partner's intention or not. She knows what is expected of her, and she knows that she wants to, ultimately, please her mate. Already the roles have been reversed; she is seeking approval. There is a huge fear of failure.
Second, in many cases the submissive inadvertently intimidated his partner with the tools he chose to introduce her to his fetishes. Perhaps he showed her some magazines that portray dominant women as latex-clad Goddesses, or toys that frightened her - paddles, clamps, restraints.
So, what now? My first bit of advice to women who are reading this because their partner pointed them to is it this - forget every thing he ever told you he wanted done to him. If he wants dominance, it starts with you.
If he wants specific fetishes fulfilled, I think both people should sit down and have a long discussion. If his desire to have these specific needs met is higher than the desire to see you truly enjoy dominance, you should consider gaining the practical knowledge needed to do it, and agree on the frequency for doing it. Just like providing oral sex, or any other variation of typical sexuality. If you object to the fetishes that he wants you to fulfill, you need to have more serious discussions and find a way to compromise. If you hated giving blow jobs but he felt it was integral to his sexuality, would it be fair to never allow him that pleasure again?
If he wants you to enjoy dominance, then he must be willing to sacrifice for you. His first step should be to leave you alone. That means not bringing it up. Putting away all the magazines. Putting all the toys he may have bought into a trunk and locking it and giving you the key. Staying off of chat rooms to all hours of the night when you know he is chatting up Cyber Dommes. No pouting, whining or hinting.
He needs to give you time to find your own dominance. His first act of submission should be to give you the space you need. Tell him you need one month.
By now, he might be worried about what he is getting himself into. After all, it can't possibly be fair that he's just tossing out every single one of his fantasies because you are going to dominate him. He needs to realize something, first and foremost. You are never, ever going to feel comfortable with domination if you have a list in front of your face.
If he wants the fetishes met, he can go back to plan A and accept it without your passion, and not whine when he feels you just aren't "into it".
If he wants you to learn to enjoy dominance, he must allow you to find your own passion and then help it grow from there. Eventually, with patience and encouragement, there will be a time when his fantasies and fetishes will probably come into play.
But I cannot emphasize this enough. The first step toward dominance is feeling free of expectations and agendas. He must let you do it your way.
Who is into this weird stuff, anyway?
You may find it difficult to get rid of any preconceived notions about sadomasochism.
Because I was into this as far back as I could remember, I had the fortune of being able to develop my own passion, on some small level, before I even knew what sadomasochism was. I was playing my own thrilling little power games long before I read a Forum magazine, saw a dominatrix on television or read about a sadomasochistic crime in the paper.
I was playing my own little power games before I ever had sex, had an orgasm, or even kissed a boy. Well, I think it started in tandem with the kissing part.
I never had a guy tell me, either after we had been dating or once we got serious, "Hey. I'm kind of kinky. Will you dance around naked with a fish on your head?"
I use this ridiculous example because I imagine that is how ridiculous it must have sounded to you. Like, here is this guy who you really are into, and all of a sudden he comes up with an idea that is so unlike you and he expects you to just do it. Without laughing, even.
You don't have to dance around naked with a fish on your head. All you have to do is give it a chance, but do it your way. I am probably starting to sound like a broken record now. But it's time for you to start figuring out how you really feel about dominance.
The Essence of Domination
I think many women get very nervous and insecure when they think about dominance. Having all of that control must be overwhelming. It means he is waiting for you to do everything. It means you have to control everything and make all the choices. It means you have no freedom - you have to do all of these things while he is watching you very closely.
This is backwards. Do not look at it this way. Later, you may love this kind of control of the situation; for now, it is way too extreme and intimidating.
Instead, look at it this way. There is no pressure, because there is no wrong way to do it. All you need to do is please yourself. And before you say, "It would please me most not to have to do it at all," remember that we have already tossed out all of his ideas. We are talking about what turns you on, now.
So now, here is the fun part. Just what turns you on about that man?
_____________________________
Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]
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