A question for those that aren't 24/7 (Full Version)

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tiggergrl -> A question for those that aren't 24/7 (1/18/2010 10:57:13 PM)

Hello all,
Am a bit new to these boards.  My question is how do you make the transition from time spent as a sub/slave back to mundane life? 
I am in charge of my home and my family.  I set the orders, I make sure all is taken care of.  I rule the roost lol.  I love my family and will not walk away from them but at the same time my S.O. realizes I have needs that he cannot accomadate so he allows me to go and find what I need elsewhere. 
Grabbing that chance i reentered my local scene a month ago.  Currently its just play parties and some fun in between.  There are a few that i'm talking with and they understand that it will not be 24/7 for at least 8 years if at all.  All concerned are fine with it. 
I've noticed in the last month the way my personality changes when I am in the scene compared to how i am in the mundane world.  Coming home after enjoying like company its like a huge let down and i crave the next opportunity to escape and serve another.  Its frustrating and I get angry though i don't let it show to my family.  Is anyone in a similar situation?  If so how do you cope with it?



CalifChick -> RE: A question for those that aren't 24/7 (1/18/2010 11:48:10 PM)

I don't have separate lives in that way.  In a relationship or not, I am a submissive woman.  Just as my sexual orientation doesn't change (or turn on or off) if I'm in a relationship or not, my BDSM orientation doesn't change or turn off.

Edited to clarify, cuz it's late and I'm tired:  Who I am also does not turn on or off depending on whether I am taking care of my family, or working, or playing.  There is no mundane life, it's just life.


Cali



DefiantFlower -> RE: A question for those that aren't 24/7 (1/19/2010 7:02:32 AM)

Well...I too would consider myself submissive all the time, even during my "mundane life." But I go through this withdrawal/supdrop phase. I get irritable and experience some depression symptoms, which my friends and family inevitably notice. There is a huge difference between the amount, intensity, and quality of submission during a scene or the weekend visit or the wild exciting play party...and the day you wake up, knowing all you'll do that day is clean house, make lunches, go to work/school/etc. It's disappointing and disorienting for your emotions. You could possibly do little things for your S.O., like send funny emails or texts, find hot pictures of things you know they like, find some way to help them with something, research, transcription, whatever. Or do all that with some of your newer friends.

But mostly, I've learned to just distract myself. And treat myself. Do little things that make YOU happy, motivated, or focused. Talk to uplifting friends, enjoy a good movie, sing along to your favorite silly songs as you run around ruling your roost. Eventually, the acute symptoms will fade, though you will still have the same desires and yearnings. No easy fix on that one. They just might be a little more bearable and easier to ignore until you are next able to play. Hope this helps!

<3

Edited for silly grammar issues :)



afkarr -> RE: A question for those that aren't 24/7 (1/19/2010 8:30:55 AM)

I happen to have rather strong coping skills, I can act perfectly "normal" in non kinky life, irregardless of where my kinky emotions happen to be at the time. Guess it's just survival instinct.

When i get the chance, I chat or talk with some fo my " in the know" friends, but sometimes even that is a bit much, and i immerse myself in a good book.



mistoferin -> RE: A question for those that aren't 24/7 (1/19/2010 9:02:18 AM)

I am 24/7 but there have been times in my life that I have been single. I have seen this question asked in many different ways but I can't ever seem to be able to really understand it. I'm not a different person at a munch or play party or when I am in the company of lifestyle folks. Maybe I have to practice a tad bit more discretion about what comes out of my mouth when I am in the company of those who are unaware of our lifestyle...but I'm not a different person. I am just me...all the time...living life.



sweetsub1957 -> RE: A question for those that aren't 24/7 (1/19/2010 9:30:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tiggergrl
My question is how do you make the transition from time spent as a sub/slave back to mundane life?

I usually did not take my Do Not Disturb sign down until I had some alone time after he left.  I took that time to just mellow out/re-group and be ready to mingle with my friends that know me to be an assertive woman when I need to be.  It's not that I'm not a submissive type most of the time, it is that I have boundaries w/ everyone but my Dominant.

Oh, by the way.........Welcome to the Boards!!  [:D]
[sm=welcomewave.gif]



sexyred1 -> RE: A question for those that aren't 24/7 (1/19/2010 9:50:49 AM)

I would say that in life, an adult knows how to compartmentalize (if they have to) all the various aspects of their life.

So if you have to be in charge all day (which many of us do who have to run our lives), and you feel angry and frustrated when not able to express your lifestyle side, then figure out how to deal with your emotions so that you are effective in your daily dealings and not pulling your hair out wishing you could escape and serve someone or something besides your own cravings.



chamberqueen -> RE: A question for those that aren't 24/7 (1/19/2010 10:09:33 AM)

tiggergirl, I understand exactly where you are coming from.  What you find in the BDSM world brings you excitement - but you have chosen because of your circumstances to make it a part time thing.  Yes, it can be very hard to leave that behind and go back to regular life.  However, if you were in a 24/7 relationship the excitement level would not continue at that same high for you.  You would find that a lot of regular life interrupts.

The way that I've found makes it easiest for me to deal with it is to hug the best of the memories to my heart and to know that more will be made soon.  You are fortunate that your SO cares enough for you to allow you to explore it, and I have no doubt that you also find things that you need from other sources such as the love of your family.  It will get easier with time to enjoy the best of both worlds.



sexisubi -> RE: A question for those that aren't 24/7 (1/19/2010 10:31:44 AM)

hey if you want tiggegrl check out my post on sub drop it has some good information also if you do a search for sub drop youll find some articals talking about how to deal with those angry moments when you have to stop play and return to r/l!

one thing i will say is when a new idea my Dom had was if my Dom and i are in the middle of a play scene and his brother comes home we high tail it to the bedroom and come down slowly. so if you come home and there is company a good idea is to get go into your own space and come down gradually. write a list of some positive things before going back down stairs about each person in the room might help too.


hope that helps, and these are just some suggestions, since ive been dealing with a similar but different issue.

welcome to the boards!



VirginPotty -> RE: A question for those that aren't 24/7 (1/19/2010 10:58:24 AM)

It is hard for me. I'm very much in control in my life away from him, I'm the leader & if I expect others to follow I can't show (for lack of a better word) weakness.
He & I aren't together every night, only a couple of times a week so while it feels good to give up the control, it's also hard. He & I chat all the time during the day so I feel like a split personality. Giving orders in between taking them.  Soon we'll be spending alot more time together & quite honestly I'm worried. Can I do this to his satisfaction on a regular basis or am I just playing a part?
Even in my vanilla relationships I always enjoyed "serving" my partner, making sure he was happy so I see no problems there.....it's my tongue, while it does bring pleasure it can also bring anger & pain. How many times can you apologize before deciding enough's enough?



DesFIP -> RE: A question for those that aren't 24/7 (1/19/2010 3:33:44 PM)

OP it sounds like what most people feel when they come back from vacation. Had a great time in an exotic location and now you have to scrub a toilet. Of course there's a let down. But since this let down is coming every week, or however often you play, it is hitting harder. You just get over it and then it happens again.

Plan for it. Make sure you're in great shape before you play; enough sleep, food, water. Then plan to have a quiet time when you come home afterwards. Take a nap, have food ready to eat that doesn't require lots of cooking, take it easy.



mc1234 -> RE: A question for those that aren't 24/7 (1/19/2010 4:18:17 PM)

It could just be as simple as something similar to 'new relationship energy'.  You're very excited about the new outlet you have for your life, and anything outside of it seems mundane and irritating.  I can understand that.  Take a deep breath.  Exercise.  Eat well.  Get a good night's rest!  Realize that you will play or see your new friends again - it just takes time. 



lucylucy -> RE: A question for those that aren't 24/7 (1/19/2010 5:05:36 PM)

My boyfriend works on the other side of the state Monday - Friday, so generally, we only get Friday evening through Sunday night or Monday morning together in person. We talk on the phone everyday and email/text throughout the day. I have a very demanding professional job that involves supervising a staff, managing a budget, and doing other things that require me to be "in charge."

I don't have any trouble making the transition from weekend "sub" to workday "boss," partly because I very clearly see myself as submissive to my boyfriend ONLY. I am always in submission to him, whether I'm at work and he's on the other side of the state or not. What sweetsub said holds true for me, too: "I have boundaries w/ everyone but my Dominant."

I don't worry about whether I'm submissive or Dominant at work--I just do my job and use whatever aspects of my personality will help me in a given situation. Same with parenting my daughter.

Another thing that helps me is reading the message boards here, which I do everyday, usually in the morning before I go to work and then in the evening after work. It's kind of a way to feed my submissive side.

Like sexyred said, compartmentalizing helps, although I am always aware that I am His, even at work. Maybe being a gemini helps--we're known for having split personalities. [:)]



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