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The fairer sex - 1/24/2010 5:32:05 AM

LillyoftheVally

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I have never been one for spending too much time in the mistress section due to the fact that firstly I had limited experience of female dominants and secondly it seems to run so differently from the other forums, it attracts a lot of rubbishness.

However I recently left a relationship with a female switch, though in her capacity with me she was a dominant. It was one of the most fulfilling relationships I have had (it was poly, we ended because of the bloke rather than her) she said something to me about how it was easy to be with me because she could get into my head far easier as we thought in a similar way.

A common topic seems to be the idea of whether female dominants are harder on male subs or female subs. I guess this thread could really be started in general BDSM but I was wondering do you think being the same sex of the submissive makes a difference? Also do you think that having a similar thought process makes a difference, some of us are logically minded some theoretical, it will inevitably change the course of any relationship, but do you think that the way you lead a relationship is affected by that and in what ways, is it easier or harder to be with someone who thinks like you do?

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RE: The fairer sex - 1/24/2010 7:55:29 AM

LadyPact

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I think this is a great topic, lily. I'm afraid My own contribution is rather limited. I am straight, so I don't engage in D/s dynamics with females. I do, however, play with both genders in a top/bottom S/m scenarios. Even with that, I've only been topping females for about four years.

Sitting here thinking about it, I think you may be on to something. In the right pairing, I think women connect very well. I used to have a gal that I played with in the Atlanta area where we had that fabulous kind of unspoken understanding of each other. Aside from the standard pre-play negotiations and after care talks, we never had to work on anything. We just flowed together like music. People would watch our scenes and tell us later that it was just like we danced together. That the way we moved was so in sync that it was almost like watching one person or that we seemed like an extension of the other. Whatever that special thing is, we certainly had it. I can promise you that I miss it, too.

I know that wasn't quite what you were looking for. Perhaps someone with more experience in the bonding that occurs within a D/s dynamic with women can come along and do a better job at answering your question than I did. Either way, thank you for giving Me a good reason to think of some wonderful memories.

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RE: The fairer sex - 1/24/2010 9:23:24 AM

thetammyjo

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With the few women I've trained and played with I worked very hard to have the same expectations and rules for them as with the men.

We did, of course, connect on a different level but whether or not it was better or easier I can't honestly say.

I connect differently with almost every person I'm with after all. Each person is unique but there were common experiences we shared as women that I couldn't share with men.

I think that might actually make it more difficult for me to keep a submissive woman or female slave. I'd be too drawn to just hang with her and chat I fear, becoming good friends first and foremost and letting the Ds slide.

But then none of my female partners even went into a long term dynamic so I'm no expert on this topic.

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RE: The fairer sex - 1/24/2010 11:39:41 AM

SylvereApLeanan

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~FR~

I haven't found a significant difference between male sub vs. fem sub. I've only found differences between individuals. However, this could easily be a result of how *I* approach D/s in general. My style is heavily focused on the psychological aspect of WIITWD and, believe it or not, I haven't found a great deal of difference in the submissive mindset across sexual lines. Each individual will have his or her different quirks and there are infinite fascinating discoveries with each new personality, but none of it is based on which set of plumbing the person has.

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RE: The fairer sex - 1/24/2010 11:42:02 AM

LadyAngelika

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I've had significantly less female subs than male subs but I've had both. And as TammyJo mentioned, every play partner is different, regardless of gender.

Now have I been harder on one gender than another, yes. I've been harder on the men. I have a feeling, from what I read, that this isn't the norm. It might be a result that the female submissives that I've met weren't all that masochistic, but I never pushed them the way I pushed the men I played with. Another reason is that while I might develop a great friendship with the women that I've dated, I don't develop that deep love, romantic relationship that I have with men. There is one woman in my mid 20s who is the exception to this and that relationship incorporated top/bottom dynamics (she the top, me the bottom) but with very little D/s.

I guess if I have to try draw any conclusions from this, I tend to play harder with the ones that I have a deeper emotional/romantic bond with. For me, the manifestation of D/s or s&m in sexuality requires me to show a very intimate part of me and the more I feel close with someone, the more it comes. out.

- LA

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RE: The fairer sex - 1/24/2010 11:46:24 AM

LillyoftheVally

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Another reason is that while I might develop a great friendship with the women that I've dated, I don't develop that deep love, romantic relationship that I have with men.

Thats an interesting thing, that you relate the level you push them to your level of emotional attachment, is there a reason you can put your finger on as to why you don't generally develop the same feelings with women?

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RE: The fairer sex - 1/24/2010 12:10:06 PM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Another reason is that while I might develop a great friendship with the women that I've dated, I don't develop that deep love, romantic relationship that I have with men.

Thats an interesting thing, that you relate the level you push them to your level of emotional attachment, is there a reason you can put your finger on as to why you don't generally develop the same feelings with women?

Oh gosh, I can't tell you how much reflection, talking about this and overall analysis I have done since I discovered my bisexuality 20 years ago at 17... and no, I can't put my finger on it. It's just the way I'm hard wired I guess.

The few things I've understood about my bisexuality is that firstly, I'm bisexual which has nothing to do with romantic emotions, it has to do with physical attraction. Many woman are bisexual but never pursue a female lover. Sure they may play a little in a threesome or such, but one on one, no. The reason that pushed me to actually pursue relationships with women in my early 20s is because the men I met back then were absolutely not right for me and I couldn't find a connection with them. I was dominant girl amongst frat boys: instant clash! Though I will admit having had my way with one or two or more, they always reverted back to submissive girlfriends.

Now that I understand and can articulate what I want with a man, I never think of having a relationship with a woman. I had a female submissive lover (we were open to see others) over the span of a year and a half which ended two years ago and she is one of my best friends today, almost like a sister. I would do anything for her and her for me, but I don't see myself in a relationship with her, nor her with me. We are both primarily emotionally attracted to men.

This this help or confuse you more? ;-)

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 1/24/2010 12:11:14 PM >

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RE: The fairer sex - 1/24/2010 1:24:08 PM

LillyoftheVally

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Thanks LadyAngelika, yeah it makes a lot of sense thank you for taking the time to explain it

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RE: The fairer sex - 1/24/2010 4:30:24 PM

RumpusParable

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

A common topic seems to be the idea of whether female dominants are harder on male subs or female subs. I guess this thread could really be started in general BDSM but I was wondering do you think being the same sex of the submissive makes a difference? Also do you think that having a similar thought process makes a difference, some of us are logically minded some theoretical, it will inevitably change the course of any relationship, but do you think that the way you lead a relationship is affected by that and in what ways, is it easier or harder to be with someone who thinks like you do?

Thinking on it, I don't think I run the relationships much different... but at the same time I do think my reactions are different. How is it both? Because I'm reacting to different things... for example here, I don't get the same types of emails from females as I do males -when I rarely do get the same type of garbage from a female profile I treat it the same as if it were from a male... I just usually don't get the same garbage from each.

Same concept inside a relationship. *I* tend to handle the same situation the same way, regardless of the sex giving me the situation. But, it's rare that said same situations come up from males and females.

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RE: The fairer sex - 1/25/2010 5:38:55 AM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally
Thanks LadyAngelika, yeah it makes a lot of sense thank you for taking the time to explain it

My pleasure!

- LA

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RE: The fairer sex - 4/19/2010 9:33:57 AM

SlaveSubtoserve

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During my younger SF scene play days, i was under the impression that the lesbian and gay couples played harder than the hetero couples and my personal observations and experiences at the time seemed to support that but just an observation of public play so.....

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RE: The fairer sex - 4/19/2010 11:59:59 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally
A common topic seems to be the idea of whether female dominants are harder on male subs or female subs. I guess this thread could really be started in general BDSM but I was wondering do you think being the same sex of the submissive makes a difference? Also do you think that having a similar thought process makes a difference, some of us are logically minded some theoretical, it will inevitably change the course of any relationship, but do you think that the way you lead a relationship is affected by that and in what ways, is it easier or harder to be with someone who thinks like you do?

I think empathy makes a difference. Effective leadership is not possible without at least some degree of empathy for those you are leading. There are lots of ways to come to that. You can be similar to start with which, of course, makes it easier. Or, you can just be highly empathic -- the type of mind that is able to bridge different world-views and understand. There are some upsides to the naturally similar side. As I noted, it makes the whole empathy thing much simpler.

Carol is wildly different from me in just about every way. She stores memories in terms of pictures. I categorize by concept. She is an artist. I'm an engineer. She is generally submissive in her outlook. I'm generally dominant. She processes reality from an experiential standpoint while I rely on theoretical constructs. None of that stops me from really, truly being able to get inside her head and both understand and accept what I see there. There are also pros to the wildly different side. It means that Carol and I can attack a problem from two wildly differing viewpoints which typically results in a better answer than either of us would've come to individually.

All in all, this is one aspect of that oh-so-important but impossible-to-pin-down "chemistry" thing.

From a purely leadership standpoint, I would have a very hard time recognizing someone as a skilled leader if the only type of personality they could lead effectively was ones similar to their own. It's kind of like a carpenter that only knows how to pound nails.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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