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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/25/2010 8:55:15 AM

subtee

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quote:

There was a time when a wooden paddle made a pile of ironing attractive, now the pile of ironing on its own is attractive.

[emphasis added]

Oh dear god, honey...

I can relate to the rest though...yep. ~hug~

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/25/2010 9:14:22 AM

osf

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i'm the worlds worst top as those kinds of activities were never the focus for me, i enjoy whipping and inflicting real pain but i don't get elaborate about it, jeans and a t work just fine for me

my desires ran more to the relationship dynamic and understanding and controlling her, everything else stems from that basic fact

i would often do things to and with her simply because i had the right to do them, that alone is a trip

now what she get's out of it is still somewhat of a mystery to me but i'm thankful she gets something out of it or she wouldn't be there for me

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/25/2010 9:23:49 AM

chamberqueen

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Stella, I always enjoy your posts so much.

What it sounds like to me is that you are evolving. Your focus has shifted. No, you will not be the same tomorrow as you were today and may be very different from yesterday. Few of us stay the same. However, the changes are often for the good. Once you get a handle one what is most satisfying for you NOW you can look for exactly that. If it has changed from being kink or clothing oriented to being more service oriented that is neither a good nor bad thing - just a change in what you need. Serving well and unselfishly brings me my greatest joy. My journey has almost nothing to do with kinds or how I dress and I get immense fulfillment from it. You may find that it is simply a case of you deciding that what brings you the most fulfillment has changed.

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/25/2010 2:36:12 PM

bloomswell

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My appetite for whips,props and so on has totally diminished over the years.
For me the biggest thrill is seeing a particular sharp look in my wife's eye.
In Pavlovian terms I guess I'm now more interested in the bell than the meal!

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Post #: 24

RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/25/2010 3:47:04 PM

pyroaquatic

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Do as you wish. I am not going to like you less for deeming yourself Vanilla.

Perhaps BDSM has become Vanilla to you... and Vanilla has become BDSM.

Enjoy some Vanilla and reset.

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/25/2010 3:50:51 PM

Firebirdseeking

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I think, and have always thought, that there is a difference between D/s and BDSM. For me, kink has never been nearly as important or exciting as the relationship I have with my Dominant. This may be a scarce opinion here, but I cannot imagine "playing" with someone with who I do not adore. I think it is the D/s connection that is the real deal, and kink or play is just a part of the intimacy/sexuality in the relationship. And I don't think of myself as vanilla at all.

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Post #: 26

RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/27/2010 1:16:23 AM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b
.

I just feel that maybe I should stop kidding myself and thinking that I'm still 'into' BDSM and just admit that now I'm more post-BDSM.

Has anyone else gone through something similar? Does anyone else have similar thoughts and feelings?

Can anyone relate?

Are that's why my thread got closed down! Here's the exact same thing!
It must be in the Zeitgeist.

Even trying to think of you as striaght/vanilla in anyway makes me smile Stella.
I dare say that when yu try to think of me like that it makes you smile as well.

The thing is with me I just don't do the Stepford Wives' School of bdsm. So trying to fit into bdsm in a prescribed social role has never worked for me and it thus makes it difficult for those who feel they would like to relate to me to know how to.

It's a truism to say I am the common denominator in all my relationships. I am aware of this. And so I think the process for me is one of gathering courage. Instead of giving in a purely altruistic way in relationship, as an s type, I have, fairly recently, begun to expect to get what I not only need but want from a dynamic. I've therefore angered at least four probably quite dear people since the middle of the summer who have barked orders, assumed roles, put me under consideration and so on. It's as if I see through it. See around it. view it as a game. Think there are wider and more important issues in the World. Value other aspects of my life more. My work. My creativity. Above all my family. And value my friends be they so-called bdsm or so-called vanilla.

Life's feeling rather too short to even be bothered unless it's 'right' right from the beginning. I do have the clothes and the toys. But I simply don't have the time....to wait for a phone call let's say because it's a head game and and a means of my control.

Which is a pity really as so much of my writing IS bdsm or is bdsm inspired. Writing recipes or writing about food is never going to create literature is it? So e harmony? match dot com? And convert a nice guy? Also seems like hard work.

I suppose it comes to us all. Those who have their picket fence will settle into Stepford and no-one will know the difference. Those of us who are pansexual and polymorphous will feed the pigeons in the park. And write poetry.

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Post #: 27

RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/27/2010 7:56:23 AM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

We will be waiting and watching. You'll always be (as far as I'm concerned) a part of this particular community.
You've given so much...

This I have to agree with because it's about one of my true friends.
What Stella gives in friendship is unconditional.
She's brave and courageous. And also one person I respect in terms of creativty.
For very different reasons, (and I think Stella woold agree wit this) she and I are very isolated from the community at times.
Isolation... or should I call it solitude... can be good at times. I see Stella as someone who is not leaving, in her chosen isolation, but rather taking the 'envekope' with her and indeed pushing the limits of that envelope and what is therefore possible for us all.

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/27/2010 10:27:17 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Stella vanilla? Never!! Stella fabulous, creative, giving, brave, all that other stuff... ALWAYS!

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/27/2010 11:34:55 AM

Justme696

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I am post-bdsm weekly. To be honost for me there is no difference between vanilla and bdsm. I just like many things in both worlds.
I grab what I like.

quote:

just admit that now I'm more post-BDSM.

are you happy? That is the only thing that counts.

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/27/2010 6:36:51 PM

JBGolden

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Well, is it really 'Post-BDSM' or just a shift in what aspect appeals to you more?

Because from what I've learned personally on my own, on here and on the net that BDSM encompasses such a wide variety of activities and mindsets that how you feel and what you want is just as important as what you do.

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/27/2010 8:16:28 PM

JonnieBoy

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Re : The O.P. ... Shame that Misst ain't available to stir up some shite on this one eh ?

(reminds self to give her a call)

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/27/2010 8:26:04 PM

JonnieBoy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

What Stella gives in friendship is unconditional.

And as such she is a true friend indeed. I am priveliged, for once and without predjudice.

Pirate

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/28/2010 11:14:26 AM

marsneedswomen

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I wander in and out of bdsm. I just think that a steady diet of anything gets stale after awhile and that it is good to reevaluate ones needs. Mostly it requires active minds to make bdsm interesting and relevant. Take some time and smell the roses before grabbing the thorns.

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/28/2010 3:49:58 PM

Falkenstein

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Fluctuat nec mergitur

this is all I wish to you, and go there, you will like it.

Most sincerely,
Henry

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/28/2010 4:28:36 PM

Prinsexx

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Wasn't there a thread around these parts awhile back about how bdsm was just life?
It attracted those who said they don't 'do' bdsm they just do life?
I beg to differ.
If there isn't any distinction then what are we all doing here?
If there isn't a distinction then it wouldn't be WIITWD it would be WIITWAD...y'know what we all do??
But we don't all do it. In my humble opinion we do what we do and it differentiates us, each and everyone of us. And we get picky. We get discriminate and discriminating.
We marginalise others and we marginalise ourselves. To the point of isolation Or as a product of exclusion. Or as a corollary of protection.
It's not easy being a non-conformist in all of this. It's not easy being an individual. It's not easy being on the edge of the edge.
Often I feel so isolated I not only feel on my own but I feel it as loneliness.
OK so tell me to go to a club or a munch. That's not what I do. And most of what I did do? Bores me. It's as simple as that. There's no thrill. There's no ecstasy. There's actually no arousal these days much.
Jaded? No. Wanting more? Yes. For me I'm post-what-went-before and pre-what's-coming-next. (pre-coming???there's got to be a joke in there somewhere).

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/29/2010 2:12:16 AM

Whiplashsmile4

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In some ways, I relate to the Post BDSM routine because I had tried to swear it off like it was a mortal sin at one point in my life. I tried to shove myself into a vanilla jello mold moral conservatism. A couple years ago I had made some posts to the message board about it. Does not seem like it's been that long ago.

Did not manage to hold onto the Post BDSM life, things I could not deny kept popping up. The Gravitational force of being drawn to the D side more and more. On a personal level I found trying to have a none D/s relationships was a bit like trying to find mythical unicorn. Things might have started off more less vanilla, but... in the course of time, I was drawn more to the D side, and the kinks would start to come out. I would get asked questions at times, regarding some of the things I did in my past and what kinds of fantasies I had. I managed to stick my toe in the water and share a few of what I thought was the mild stuff. Did not work out too well.

When you're asked "What are you thinking about" and you cringe for a moment. I'm sitting thinking about the time when I did not erase my browser history and been checking out some deviant porn. LOL. Still even these sites and the pictures and videos were just the tip of an huge iceburg of kinks, fantasies and tastes. Very difficult for me to loosen my lips to share more when faced with somebody that was morally shocked and repulsed.

In all fairness, trying to force myself to become more vanilla, or so called normal, or whatever label there is for it, just was'nt right.

Things have changed though... Since i re-embraced BDSM as part of my life. In many regards I reflect upon my life before I tried to squeeze into the POST BDSM Vanilla Jello mold. Last night while I was drifting to sleep, I was having fond memories of some of the crazy stuff from my past. Beautiful memories. The concept of some of this stuff being Dark or extreme well really puzzles me because it's not so Dark or extreme to me. Yet, for some people they don't seem to understand.

My attention shifts to other things in life besides BDSM, kink or D/s. It always has, there are moments when I'm hardwired up for certain activities. Sort of like being hungry or horney.. ahhh.. the cravings that come and go. Cravings for different things at times. I wish I could say that BDSM is all about sex for me because it would make things simple.

Things change in life over time, we are who and what we are at any given moment in time.

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 2/12/2010 9:30:40 AM

specialk2611

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A few weeks ago, I made a mental break from my pursuit of all things D/s. It felt like a part of me died, even though I had only just gotten into it.

I am still discovering what it takes for me to function. I'm finding that even though I like my vanilla life how it is, there are certain things I do need a release from, and coming to CM to ramble for an hour or so gets me into a social D/s mindset that is enough for my fix.

I'm not sure whether I will ever go back to actively pursuing D/s in my life, as a primary focus (it could come along who knows), at the same time I find that it's like a smoking addiction, this is my nicotine patch.

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 2/12/2010 1:40:29 PM

MasterSlaveLA