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Married Dom/mes - 1/27/2010 9:25:56 AM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline 		The other thread got me thinking about this.

We all have views on morals and infidelity. And everyone has a right to their opinions and beliefs. But this isn't a thread about cheating. It's some questions directed to people in the lifestyle who have, or are with someone who has a vanilla partner.

Are you involved with a Dom/me who is married?

I would assume their partner knows. How does it work for you?

Are you married? Or have a vanilla partner? If so, how do they deal with it?

Same goes for any Dom/mes in the forums.

Thanks :)


_____________________________

"The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt"
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Married Dom/mes - 1/27/2010 9:37:53 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666
Are you married?

Yes.
Whether he knows or not, would be irrelevant in my situation.  But yes, he is fully aware.
It's all cool.

the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Married Dom/mes - 1/27/2010 5:58:05 PM   
ourmsbetty


Posts: 266
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		Um well, on the evening of our second date we were having dinner at my place. I was busy at the stove and so invited him to hang up his coat...Completely forgetting I had a school paddle hanging from the back of the closet door.

So we had a talk over dinner and I explained. He just sort of shrugged and said just do it with someone else. Worked for me.

And it still works. I make room for his proclivities and he for mine. We don't have a structured set of rules but we do use basic manners and consideration. He's my safecall and my sounding board. He even helps me prep more more elaborate scenes.

He doesn't quite "get it" and sometimes just shakes his head about the specific activities but he kind of sees the rewards in it for me and loves seeing me in my element as I get ready even if he'd never want to be part of the scene about to happen.

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Married Dom/mes - 1/27/2010 7:14:45 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		~FR~
 
My husband and I are dominant, kinky, and polyamorous.  Since neither of us switches, we look for other partners to have D/s relationships.  Both of us are fine with the other having another partner (or more than one) as long as everyone knows about it and is comfortable with it.  However, we're very selective about who we bring into the relationship.  In the past, we've had problems with people thinking they could split us up because they didn't understand multiple partners does not equal a problem in our relationship.  We've learned to screen our other partners very carefully and make sure they understand that we're a package deal.  If you become involved with one of us, you're going to be involved with both, even if that involvement is platonic.  Anyone who isn't willing and able to handle that is shown the door.

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Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to ourmsbetty)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Married Dom/mes - 1/27/2010 7:33:10 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I am married and my husband is what I will call vanilla twist.  In general, he is not into lifestyle stuff, but he tinkers around in it and certainly at least likes the eroticized version in porn.  When we came to the conclusion that this was an area of my needs that he was both unable and unwilling to meet, we decided together to seek an outside partner for that purpose.  What has developed has surprised us both, but there was nothing hidden from each other or potential partners.  We did and continue to do the hard work of working this thing out together...all of us.  I couldn't cheat.  It just isn't in me.  I also respect my partner too much to have ever kept him in the dark about being married.  There is open communication and we are all in this thing together.

lovingpet

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If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.


(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Married Dom/mes - 1/27/2010 8:43:59 PM   
afkarr


Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline 		The married half does not know, so therefore there's is nohting for him to "deal with". Works for us.

I find it usually is better to play with people in similiar situations, that way everybody is on the same page.

< Message edited by afkarr -- 1/27/2010 8:44:21 PM >

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Married Dom/mes - 1/28/2010 7:03:25 AM   
MistressTonya2u


Posts: 140
Joined: 12/20/2009
Status: offline 		I am married.

He is not really into D/s but he realizes it is a part of me and he supports that.

We are poly, and like SylvereApLeanan mentioned, we have encountered the same issue of people thinking that poly means we are on shaky ground. Not at all. I do not hide anything from him, he does not hide anything from me.

If there is a female involved, I am bisexual, he may get involved from time to time.It really depends.

If I have a male sub, he does not. He is straight and is only intrested in a platonic relationship with other males.




(in reply to afkarr)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Married Dom/mes - 1/28/2010 8:03:36 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'm married and so is My collared boy.  Everyone knows everyone else and it works out great for us.

My other half used to be vanilla, now he enjoys topping.  He's fine with it.  I'm a sadist and it means that I have people that I play with and it doesn't have to be him.  My boy's wife is vanilla and now she doesn't have to feel obligated to meet his masochistic wants. 


ETA   This thread might add to answering some of your questions on our situation.  http://www.collarchat.com/m_2992857/tm.htm


< Message edited by LadyPact -- 1/28/2010 8:06:56 AM >

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MistressTonya2u)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Married Dom/mes - 1/28/2010 8:19:50 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Without going into detail........20+ years makes for a lot of details.........Generic Dude and I have been putting up with one another, supporting one another, threatening to kill one another, worrying about one another, etc etc etc for over 20 years now. He is my best friend.

In that 20 years, an awful lot has changed. But the core values and interests that brought us together in the first place has not.

I call him Generic Dude because I get sick of the word vanilla and I like to be more creative with language. But the guy is as vanilla as you can imagine. I cannot believe he doesn't have regular visits to the psychiatrist to deal with issues I've caused him. But we made a commitment and somehow we've managed to alter things in positive ways to honour that commitment. It works because it's based upon trust. I trust that he isn't going to intentionally do anything that brings harm to me and what is important to me, and visa versa. We really are each others best friend and biggest supporter in everything.

Not to say there hasn't been some serious 'debates', door slamming, "I can't take anymore I am LEAVING!!!", stomping, cursing, etc........but because we have that core, it's always worked itself out. I don't hide anything but neither of us feels it necessary to know everything about the other either.

I don't advertise the above situation online much because I have always honoured his phobia about internet networking..."do whatever you want but please DO NOT talk about ME".....until a recent shift in his thought process. Anyone that has expressed any interest online, is quickly made aware of the facts of my life. What they chose after that is up to them.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Married Dom/mes - 1/28/2010 8:33:53 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		If I can be serious for a second?...Posts like this is why I think you are so cool..


Ok back to stalking you

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Married Dom/mes - 1/29/2010 10:33:52 AM   
SacreBleu


Posts: 10
Joined: 1/29/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666

The other thread got me thinking about this.

We all have views on morals and infidelity. And everyone has a right to their opinions and beliefs. But this isn't a thread about cheating. It's some questions directed to people in the lifestyle who have, or are with someone who has a vanilla partner.

Are you involved with a Dom/me who is married?

I would assume their partner knows. How does it work for you?

Are you married? Or have a vanilla partner? If so, how do they deal with it?

Same goes for any Dom/mes in the forums.

Thanks :)



He is married. They've been married for about 25 years and no, she does not know about me. We met in a chat room, both under screen names and not saying much about our real lives. (I was married at the time, very unhappily so).

Eventually the cyberplay turned into real feelings, something I did not expect or even look for. So we began to meet when he had business trips. He helped me through my divorce and I began to love him deeply. I know he will never get divorced and I don't want him to get divorced.

I feel like his wife gives him things I can't, and I give him things she can't. 99% of the time I am truly okay with the situation, I've been his sub for over a decade now and can't imagine life without him.

_SacreBleu_

(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Married Dom/mes - 1/29/2010 2:29:01 PM   
Ladynslave


Posts: 376
Joined: 7/30/2009
Status: offline 		Yes, Slave knows that I am married.  He also knows it's been almost 3 years since I threw the hubby out and that I am trying to get divorced.  I suppose if the hubby knew about Slave it would make the whole process much easier and faster, but I have no way to let the cat out of the bag.

_____________________________

Women and cats will do what they please. Men and dogs need to relax and get used to the idea.

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Married Dom/mes - 1/29/2010 6:42:50 PM   
Zechriel


Posts: 308
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline 		Good evening!
I am married to someone 30 years older than me. He was never really into sex-being raised that way-so quickies were what I got.  After 13 years I needed more, and we had a very long and open talk. For our 14th anniversary, he gave me a gift of having a boyfriend..and he trusted my judgement. His only rule-he did not want to know anything about it. He prefers the "ostrich" approach. It took a long time finding someone who meets my criteria but Daddy/Master and I have been together for almost 2 years. he is close by and we usually see each other twice a week (barring snow storms! lol) For play times, I just have to "make an excuse" for a few hours. I think he knows but doesn't want to acknowledge it..therefore it keeps with our agreement.

When hubby had his near death 2 years ago, Daddy was the one who took care of me and my um's. They met and he thanked Daddy for taking care of his family. That felt good. I felt we had his approval. But it still is kept very very quiet. Hope that helps. Good luck!
Love,
Zechriel



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Sir HighlanderME's little z

(in reply to Ladynslave)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Married Dom/mes - 1/30/2010 6:22:02 AM   
slut69smaster


Posts: 6
Joined: 1/30/2010
Status: offline 		I'm married but have been with Mastersslut69 for two years. We worked together and just naturally grew together. As our relationship developed our roles developed naturally. In her career she's a very successful woman but loves to be ultra submissive with me. She knows I'm married but we work around things. Do I feel guilty? Yes sometimes but my realtionship with mastersslut69 is very important to me also and she fulfills things that I don't get in married life.

(in reply to Zechriel)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Married Dom/mes - 1/30/2010 7:40:11 AM   
Miyani


Posts: 248
Joined: 12/4/2007
Status: offline 		FR

I am married, yes. My boy knows my husband, my husband knows my boy. The three of us hang out on a regular basis. Husband doesn't have a girl right now, but when he does again, I'll know her.

Could I be monogamous? Yeah, I could. But since we're both Toppy sorts, a lot of fun would get left out.

Could I have a relationship either of my guys didn't know about? Absolutely the hell not. Why on earth would I be with someone I couldn't be honest with? Why on earth would I lie to someone I love? And if I catch flak for that, so be it.

(in reply to slut69smaster)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Married Dom/mes - 1/30/2010 12:08:11 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		I'm married for 12+ years now.  He's kinky and dominant to others, submissive to me and my service top.  I'm dominant, a masochist, and a sharps top mainly.  He's mainly polyfi while I'm polyamorous, and he doesn't seek other partners while I do.

D/s is just how my closest relationships always are, it's how I interact with my best and closest.  Kink is fun stuff I do with friends, period... I've never had a "vanilla" friend.

So yes, I have partners other than my spouse and it works well.  If he and they hit it off they sometimes become friends or partners, too; if they don't, they don't.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to Miyani)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Married Dom/mes - 1/30/2010 6:40:27 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		My husband is vanilla ans fully aware and supportive of my choices. When I met him I was ver honest about being involved in BDSM, he chose to stick with me and learn so he could be more accepting. We have been married for 11 years and have boundaries and ground rules but have always made it work. He loves me and I love him. He supports me and I do him. We made it work because we wanted to. It can and does work.


Master is married to his primary. She met me in a vanilla setting and we clicked. She knows what goes on and is supportive and also friends with me.

< Message edited by sweetnurseBBW -- 1/30/2010 6:42:24 PM >

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Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 17
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