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different people, different reactions to the same activ... - 1/28/2010 4:04:34 PM   
HisSweetElysium


Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline 		I'm just curious if anyone else has had different reactions to the same type of activity.  With several previous partners, I enjoyed having my face slapped during play, it was hot and kinky and fun.  Now though, with my Master, it triggers something in me that is not good. It makes me cry, really deep emotional crying, from a bad place. 

At first I tried to just ignore it, but it's gotten pretty unavoidable, and we had to talk about it last night. He's more than understanding about it all, and does NOT want to put me in a bad emotional place, but I'm just sort of surprised I'm having this reaction.  It's not like His technique or anything is different, just how I feel is different.

Thoughts?


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RE: different people, different reactions to the same a... - 1/28/2010 4:30:06 PM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		Emotional attachment definitely can change your response to certain activities.

i actually had the same thing regarding face slapping with my ex Master. When we were first dating, it was really hot, but as time went by and i became more emotionally enslaved to him, it became a Really Awful Thing. He decided to only use it for punishment, as my reaction to it was that intense.

Probably now i could work my way through something like that if my next Owner wanted me to, i.e. if he really enjoyed slapping i know i would be able to get over my emotional issues with his help and we would move on. But since it would be up to him i'm not concerning myself with thinking about it.

From my experience talking with many Owners/Masters, what they seek the most is your genuine response to what they do to you - including if it brings you down and makes you cry from a bad place. This is information that he needs. So i just focus on being gentle and forgiving with myself, letting him know what's going on with me, and obeying what he wants me to do - and working on not beating myself up about it.


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RE: different people, different reactions to the same a... - 1/28/2010 4:38:27 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Interesting question...I have the opposite reaction though. I never allowed anyone to slap my face. I was freaked out by it for years.

My ex started to do it only in the last year or so. At first I hated it and then I thought it was hot as hell. Then again, I did things with him I never thought I would do because I was so into him.

I have an issue with it after the fact though; I feel guilty that I let it happen. Strange, because I never feel guilty about any other sick and deviant kink I engage with, just that.

Not sure why this is, will have to ponder some more.

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RE: different people, different reactions to the same a... - 1/28/2010 4:50:01 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I react differently to quite a few things with Him than I have with others. With the ex slapping was not something I reacted well to because it always meant there was a lot of violent anger coming from him. With the ex I was able to take a lot of pain, with Master my tolerance are way below par.

I find that what I react to and how is dependent on how I feel about the person, our relationship, my emotions, mentality, physical  health, etc...

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RE: different people, different reactions to the same a... - 1/28/2010 4:59:32 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I know there is a distinct difference in how I have responded to different dominant people when performing the same basic activity.  I find a big part of it is based on the emotional attachment I have with the person, as UniqueRaven described it above.  Part of it is subtle differences in technique.  Perhaps he starts out a tad harder than another person did, or maybe it is how much follow through he puts on the strike, or any other number of things.  Also I find that I will pick up on nonverbal cues that take me to a given headspace and not always an intended one.  If the emotional or nonverbal vibe is one of disapproval, disappointment, anger, or some other negative within our subconscious, then when a similar set of stimuli emerge, we are more likely to respond as we did in the past when those cues were presented.  There are certain looks that I associated with bringing down the wrath of an ex husband and it is very easy to hit a trigger in that area because of the extreme negative attachment that is present.  I think these things can normally be worked through over time, but it isn't something that a simple talk is going to cure.  It will be much like conditioning a person out of a phobia.  It will take small steps over time to conquer old demons and move on.

In the past, I worked with a great many folks who had various triggers and would be happy to help in any way I can.  Feel free to cmail me. 

lovingpet

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RE: different people, different reactions to the same a... - 1/28/2010 5:12:48 PM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline 		i've had women that had different reactions to the same thing at different times

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RE: different people, different reactions to the same a... - 1/28/2010 5:18:54 PM   
HisSweetElysium


Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your support and responses.  I do think part of it is the emotional aspect, I'm much more connected with Him than any of the previous people we mentioned.  Also, if I were to psychobabble myself, I would say that the Daddy/little girl dynamic of our relationship puts me at odds with that specific action.  Other than spankings as a little kid, slapping is the only sort of physical abuse I received growing up, and always from my mother until I stood up to her one day and knocked her flat after she hit me.  My father never EVER laid a hand on me, and maybe this particular action is too much at odds with that safety and comfort.

I don't even know how to describe how I feel or where the feelings come from when He has done this (which is weird for me, I normally have a million words for everything) but I know it's a bad, sad place that makes me want to withdraw and curl up in a ball and cry.  I guess if I had to put it into specific words, I would say I feel victimized and abused and powerless. After He does it, it takes me a while to not flinch from Him, in any way He touches me. I don't know how important it is to get over, Master hasn't expressed a feeling either way other than concern for my well being.  Maybe it just is what it is.  In any case, I'm glad to not be alone.  This has been an interesting journey, and I have crossed many bridges with Him I did not think I could, it's just weird as it feels like I'm regressing in this area...


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RE: different people, different reactions to the same a... - 1/28/2010 8:19:31 PM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		Face slapping was what immediately came to mind for me as being one of those activities that can cause significantly different reactions in me with different people.  it is one of those things that can send me into space almost immediately or bring me back to earth with a crash just as quick.  Weirdly I sometimes get the crashing back to earth reaction with doms whom I have deeper feelings for as I get the disconnect of wondering how they can want to hurt me if they like me (that comes from my own admitted lack of understanding of the sadist mindset I imagine)

eta

absolutely beautiful photo by the way HSE


< Message edited by wandersalone -- 1/28/2010 8:20:01 PM >

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RE: different people, different reactions to the same a... - 1/28/2010 8:29:25 PM   
Hierodule


Posts: 597
Joined: 9/22/2009
Status: offline 		I get different reactions from face slapping at different times with the same partner. I always liked it A LOT from different partners. But I had never been in a live in 24/7 M/s relationship before. It used to always make me melt with my master. Once or twice recently, since I've moved in with him, a slap in the face from him caused an "I promise I'll be good!" type of reaction and then I just started weeping. I think it was the reaction he needed/wanted from me and I think its what I needed to. I think it depends on the situation and the intention of the person giving the slap.

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RE: different people, different reactions to the same a... - 1/28/2010 8:32:59 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, we all grow and change.  What we liked when we were younger is not what we like now necessarily.  This is the same for sexual things as for many other things.  The only constant is change. 

How lucky you are to have a man who is so caring.  Enjoy. 

peace,
sunshine


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RE: different people, different reactions to the same a... - 1/28/2010 9:25:32 PM   
pyroaquatic


Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline
quote:

Hey, my love, you came to me like wine comes to this mouth, grown tired of water all the time, you quench my heart and you quench my mind....


did you happen to feel whatever was in this quote at that time?

As others have said it sounds like emotional bridge being shaken. It is your face it remains a mark to be seen. If you remove your face out of shame then you 'disappear from the world.'


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As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
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RE: different people, different reactions to the same a... - 1/29/2010 3:48:56 AM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		It's the same with me as with the others who have said it depends on the emotional attachment. The "level" of the relationship as to how I react or rather the reactions to the activity.

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RE: different people, different reactions to the same a... - 1/29/2010 7:30:00 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisSweetElysium

I would say that the Daddy/little girl dynamic of our relationship puts me at odds with that specific action.


I think this very well may be a key.  I am noticing that a lot of the stronger reactions to this are coming from submissives that have this particular dynamic and magnified if they are in a 24/7 live in situation...just like a child would be.  I doubt for many of us growing up there was EVER a positive connotation to being slapped in the face when we were little.  As adults, that line does get blurred some and even more if we happen to wind up into the masochistic side of bdsm.  A lot of mental and emotional regression can occur in a safe, commited D/lg dynamic and it is logical that the connotations we had for specific acts as children will emerge to be how we approach the same thing within that specific dynamic.  You may still be just fine with face slapping from, say, a casual partner if you both ever decided to go that route.  Who know?  Because this is your daddy and you respond to him from that little space inside of you, things are simply different than they would be with your big girl panties on.

It is clear this action had very negative emotion attached to it when you were growing up.  One of your first acts of asserting control over your world was to make that action stop immediately.  It is no wonder it isn't an action with a welcomed return.  It is also completely possible that, as you desire less and less control, that this action will take on some kinds of new dimensions on its own.  I couldn't begin to speculate if this would be positive or negative, but it makes me curious about it.  Stopping the action was an act of taking control.  Would eventually allowing the action again signify some deepening of your submission and a letting go of control?  Again, who knows?  Don't let these questions set up any expectations of yourself in your mind.  They are simply my musings.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a trigger and it not resolving and even growing stronger over time.  I think it is wonderful that your partner is caring for you in the way he is.

Regression as part of D/lg play has some real potential dangers, especially in the emotional realm.  There will be other things along the way that will come loose as you journey together.  I think he is showing you how he plans to handle such things both now and in the future and it should be very encouraging.  Be gentle with yourself and don't worry.  He clearly adores you just as you are. 

lovingpet

< Message edited by lovingpet -- 1/29/2010 7:33:16 AM >

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RE: different people, different reactions to the same a... - 1/29/2010 8:22:55 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I have had different reactions with the same partner to the same play...

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RE: different people, different reactions to the same a... - 1/29/2010 9:21:01 AM   
HisSweetElysium


Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline 		Many thanks to those contributing, it feels good to know I'm not completely in left field with this!  It seems ironic, this being the longest and most intense D/s relationship I have ever had, I want so much to please Him, make Him proud of me, and this thing I thought to be "no biggie" in part interactions is proving to be a huge hurdle for me. 

I am very lucky to have found someone who loves and supports me, and while He wants to push me to grow, He doesn't want it to be a negative thing, as this appears to be. 

lovingpet your wisdom and insight are greatly appreciated. This is all very new to me, and all the twists and turns of my thoughts are sometimes confusing but the perspective you share is so helpful, thank you!


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“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

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RE: different people, different reactions to the same a... - 1/29/2010 10:54:51 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisSweetElysium

I'm just curious if anyone else has had different reactions to the same type of activity.  With several previous partners, I enjoyed having my face slapped during play, it was hot and kinky and fun.  Now though, with my Master, it triggers something in me that is not good. It makes me cry, really deep emotional crying, from a bad place. 

At first I tried to just ignore it, but it's gotten pretty unavoidable, and we had to talk about it last night. He's more than understanding about it all, and does NOT want to put me in a bad emotional place, but I'm just sort of surprised I'm having this reaction.  It's not like His technique or anything is different, just how I feel is different.

Thoughts?


I think you're associating it with some negative aspect you're either choosing not to share or are subconsciously not aware of. Since it's recent, I'm thinking the former - I lurv being the judgemental, uninvested stranger.... ;-)

Focus.

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RE: different people, different reactions to the same a... - 1/29/2010 11:34:02 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Feel free to cmail me if you would like to discuss things more privately or whatever.  My box is open. 

lovingpet

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