Domme headspace and *why* she likes something

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Andalusite -> Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 3:35:17 PM)
I've seen a lot of posts about a variety of kinks, and sometimes D/s in general, in which male submissives (I haven't seen it from any female submissives, whether they're seeking a male or female dominant) express that they have very specific requirements about why the Domme enjoys something, how exactly she feels about it, and so forth. I get the strong impression that they aren't happy with her liking it or even being aroused by it, unless she wants the same aspects they do (ie. control, humiliation, degradation). So, for the male submissives, especially those who've had at least one in-person relationship, is this an aspect that was mostly fantasy based and was no longer an issue once you actually got involved with a Domme? For Dommes and switches who have (or have had) submissives, when you run into this kind of attitude/demand, how do you respond? Automatically turn the guy down, figure you can turn his thinking around and enjoy what you get out of it, try to find some common ground?

LadyPact -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 3:54:55 PM)
I'm not quite sure if I understand what you are asking, so My answer here may actually change during the course of the thread. I readily admit this is not one of My better areas. If I am led to believe that someone else wants Me to think, feel, get turned on a certain way, by a certain thing, etc, they are going to be met with a lot of resistance. In fact, I'm a lot less likely to want to be engaged with that person/activity. A good example of this would be a type of play that has various angles on it, but the person I am playing with insists that it has to have a humiliation element to it. Now, I'm all for humiliation, but not if someone is telling Me that it has to be that way. It will close Me down to wanting to do any humiliation play with that person at all, because I feel that he's attempting to force Me into it or trying to dictate how the scene is going to go. So, to be very honest in answering your question, I'm more likely to shoot someone down entirely if I feel that they are attempting to manipulate Me. It's probably not the most open minded answer that was available from the choices, but in My case, it's the most truthful.

LadyAngelika -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 4:11:14 PM)
quote: So, to be very honest in answering your question, I'm more likely to shoot someone down entirely if I feel that they are attempting to manipulate Me. It's probably not the most open minded answer that was available from the choices, but in My case, it's the most truthful. What about being seduced into doing something? - LA

LadyAngelika -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 4:22:07 PM)
quote: For Dommes and switches who have (or have had) submissives, when you run into this kind of attitude/demand, how do you respond? Automatically turn the guy down, figure you can turn his thinking around and enjoy what you get out of it, try to find some common ground? Otter said it well on another thread: quote: By meeting Her needs, she will be inspired to meet yours. That is how it works for me. - LA

Andalusite -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 4:23:20 PM)
LP, that's exactly what I meant. For example, I might be perfectly willing to walk all over a guy if he wants me to, as a treat, but I don't get off on him feeling debased by it. I might not even mind him feeling objectified or lowered or whatever, but if he insists that I have to feel that way about it, I think it comes across as him trying to control the scene. Same goes for feminisation where they want a lot of humiliation, or "forced" bi where they demand that I enjoy the things they want me to get off on the humiliation or control, whereas I just feel that the sexual energy and interaction between two guys can be hot. I'm not looking for anyone now, so it's more of an abstract question. It bugged me a lot while I was looking for a partner, and I still see it so frequently in a variety of posts, so I was curious. [:D] BTW, the options I mentioned weren't meant to limit you do those choices, just a couple of examples. [:D]

LadyPact -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 4:27:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika quote: So, to be very honest in answering your question, I'm more likely to shoot someone down entirely if I feel that they are attempting to manipulate Me. It's probably not the most open minded answer that was available from the choices, but in My case, it's the most truthful. What about being seduced into doing something? - LA The ability to seduce Me actually has to already have a certain level of intimacy established. I'm looking at the question as in regard to someone new.

LadyAngelika -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 4:32:08 PM)
quote: but if he insists that I have to feel that way about it, I think it comes across as him trying to control the scene I've never met a Domme who would want this dynamic. Giving into what the sub wants is beeing a service Top. In the situation you describe, there is an incompatibility of desires. - LA

LadyAngelika -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 4:33:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika quote: So, to be very honest in answering your question, I'm more likely to shoot someone down entirely if I feel that they are attempting to manipulate Me. It's probably not the most open minded answer that was available from the choices, but in My case, it's the most truthful. What about being seduced into doing something? - LA The ability to seduce Me actually has to already have a certain level of intimacy established. I'm looking at the question as in regard to someone new. That makes sense. It's pretty much the same for me. - LA

RumpusParable -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 4:34:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Andalusite LP, that's exactly what I meant. For example, I might be perfectly willing to walk all over a guy if he wants me to, as a treat, but I don't get off on him feeling debased by it. I might not even mind him feeling objectified or lowered or whatever, but if he insists that I have to feel that way about it, I think it comes across as him trying to control the scene. Same goes for feminisation where they want a lot of humiliation, or "forced" bi where they demand that I enjoy the things they want me to get off on the humiliation or control, whereas I just feel that the sexual energy and interaction between two guys can be hot. I'm not looking for anyone now, so it's more of an abstract question. It bugged me a lot while I was looking for a partner, and I still see it so frequently in a variety of posts, so I was curious. [:D] BTW, the options I mentioned weren't meant to limit you do those choices, just a couple of examples. [:D] Thanks, I was one waiting for clarification before answering... Yes, I feel much as you describe... In short, I don't like someone else dictating my feelings and that's the jist, I feel, in these sorts of situations. I want to enjoy a scene the way I enjoy it, and am put off doing it if the bottom (of whatever inclination) desires/demands I do it for X reason or with Y feeling.

Politesub53 -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 4:49:54 PM)
I would only ever ask " Mistress would you do such and such as I really enjoy it." It would then be HER choice if, when and how anything occurs. Anything else would seem to me that I was being to clinical and not being spontaneous, or indeed submissive. As for why a Mistress may like something, it is more important for me to know she enjoys it that the ins and outs. If she decides to explain, all well and good.

Andalusite -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 5:15:23 PM)
Sorry, I have a cold, so maybe the cough syrup or lack of sleep is contributing to my poor writing. :( I know LA has misunderstood some of my posts the last couple of days, so I'll make an effort to be more clear! LA, I enjoy being seduced into things by someone I'm already in an intimate relationship with. Usually this mindset comes up before meeting, via e-mail (or perhaps on the first or second date). Even so, I don't think that being seduced into it would change what I'm complaining about. I'm talking about things that I like, that I want to do, or at least am open to and would get something positive from, but I know that I wouldn't respond in precisely the way they have asked me to (either because I've done that form of play before, or it just doesn't fit my mindset and the way I react in general). Sometimes the guys are just do-me wanker types, and I dismiss them out of hand, but there have been a couple that seemed very promising other than this particular are, back when I was looking. Most of them didn't have much experience, or had only been with a pro-Domme, so I figured that it was a fantasy thing. It made me feel like they wanted me to be an actress in a play or something, following not just the script in words, but portraying emotions as they direct it. I felt it didn't leave me any room to actually dominate them or control the scene. Heck, even if I did feel that way about the activity, I wouldn't want to feel obligated to - I might get something different about it the next time I incorporated it into a scene. For example, a lot of guys talk about wanting their Domme (or me in particular) to get turned on by feminising them (even if not by the humiliation aspect). So far, I just haven't responded that way to it - it's fun, but feels much like helping another woman with her hair or swapping clothes or going shopping together. It's fun, it can be very satisfying, but it's not especially erotic. When I've dated crossdressers in the past, it was very easy for him to get me turned on while he was cross-dressed. I'm not turned off by it, but I needed more than the sight of panties to get aroused. He had to actually touch me, or look at me in a way that got me going, or something!

LadyAngelika -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 5:26:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Andalusite Sorry, I have a cold, so maybe the cough syrup or lack of sleep is contributing to my poor writing. :( I know LA has misunderstood some of my posts the last couple of days, so I'll make an effort to be more clear! Me too I have a cold, which is why I've been home all weekend with movies, soup and the internet. quote: LA, I enjoy being seduced into things by someone I'm already in an intimate relationship with. Usually this mindset comes up before meeting, via e-mail (or perhaps on the first or second date). Even so, I don't think that being seduced into it would change what I'm complaining about. I'm talking about things that I like, that I want to do, or at least am open to and would get something positive from, but I know that I wouldn't respond in precisely the way they have asked me to (either because I've done that form of play before, or it just doesn't fit my mindset and the way I react in general). Sometimes the guys are just do-me wanker types, and I dismiss them out of hand, but there have been a couple that seemed very promising other than this particular are, back when I was looking. Most of them didn't have much experience, or had only been with a pro-Domme, so I figured that it was a fantasy thing. It made me feel like they wanted me to be an actress in a play or something, following not just the script in words, but portraying emotions as they direct it. I felt it didn't leave me any room to actually dominate them or control the scene. Heck, even if I did feel that way about the activity, I wouldn't want to feel obligated to - I might get something different about it the next time I incorporated it into a scene. I understand this part above clearly. I've discussed it a few times in fact, in part in The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman thread. I want to make sure when I meet a man that he is focussed on meeting my needs first. That is the only way I'll be open to meeting his. I know it's not ideal but that's the way I roll. Men are welcome to take it or leave it. - LA

Andalusite -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 5:34:58 PM)
Most of the guys who do this claim (and perhaps even genuinely feel) that they are putting the Domme's needs first. They just have a very firm idea ahead of time of what those needs and wants and desires are, and don't seem to be very open to input from the actual woman unless it matches what they envision or fantasise about. [;)]

AAkasha -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 5:46:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Andalusite Most of the guys who do this claim (and perhaps even genuinely feel) that they are putting the Domme's needs first. They just have a very firm idea ahead of time of what those needs and wants and desires are, and don't seem to be very open to input from the actual woman unless it matches what they envision or fantasise about. [;)] This has been a big frustration for me, but I often wonder if it just comes down to a core difference between men and women. Not to be stereotypical, but the whole (with sex and sexuality thing) "women are physical, visual" and "women are sensitive, emotional." (I am taking great liberties with the words I choose here, but I think people will get my drift. Or, it goes back to what Lady A was saying in her thread about the over-fetishization of dominant women. Or some of the points that came from that at least. Men can't help it if they have been somewhat programmed by a fetish industry built around a fantasy and produced by men for men. My main gripe is this, though. Way before I knew how kinky I was, when I was "experimenting on vanilla prey" and boyfriends, boy, did I get a LOT of questions from my guys. They wanted to really, truly understand why I did what I did, what I got out of it, how did it make me feel, what were the nuances that made it great vs. just good, and how could they be a better partner at it. And they also were more eager to experiment with the way they submitted so they could improve the experience for me. This kind of inquisition just does not happen, for the most part, with "submissive men." And I have never been able to figure out if it's because deep down, they don't want to know why or how we are like this (sadistic women and femdoms). Does that spoil the mystique and ruin the fantasy? I have met a few amazing subs who are exceptions to this rule fortunately. But for the most part I am unsure why more sub men don't want to really dig in and understand how and why femdoms are motivated the way they are. Akasha

LadyAngelika -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 5:52:47 PM)
quote: My main gripe is this, though. Way before I knew how kinky I was, when I was "experimenting on vanilla prey" and boyfriends, boy, did I get a LOT of questions from my guys. They wanted to really, truly understand why I did what I did, what I got out of it, how did it make me feel, what were the nuances that made it great vs. just good, and how could they be a better partner at it. And they also were more eager to experiment with the way they submitted so they could improve the experience for me. This kind of inquisition just does not happen, for the most part, with "submissive men." And I have never been able to figure out if it's because deep down, they don't want to know why or how we are like this (sadistic women and femdoms). Does that spoil the mystique and ruin the fantasy? I have met a few amazing subs who are exceptions to this rule fortunately. But for the most part I am unsure why more sub men don't want to really dig in and understand how and why femdoms are motivated the way they are. I quote this as it is my experience exactly. In fact, I'm so tempted to go back to hunting and flipping vanilla boys again. If it wasn't for the sadistic part being harder to fulfill outside of WIITWD, I wouldn't even bother with this anymore. Sad, but true. - LA

Andalusite -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 6:09:20 PM)
Most of my previous partners have been guys I've met in vanilla venues, and either had some experience with kink and/or D/s, or had fantasised about it but not tried it yet. A couple of them were openminded, but hadn't even considered the possibility before, though they were at least a bit familiar with BDSM. I never ran into those attitudes with them, heck, even the dominant men I've been in relationships with generally didn't try to dictate why I liked something! When I was on a different BDSM site in the past, I ran into that attitude occasionally, but it didn't seem to be nearly as pervasive as it is here. So, I was rather confused about how it had suddenly taken over! I was in my previous relationship for 3 years, so it's probably been developing during that time, and most likely it's more prevalent on some sites than others.

CdnExplorer -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 6:16:20 PM)
I agree Politesub. It's critical to me that my Domme enjoy the things she does to me. The reason doesn't matter, although it's something I'd like to know. Before I had real experience I probably described the imaginary Domme's feelings, but really that was more of a way of describing what I wanted to feel and that she would enjoy doing those various things. The intent was quite a bit different than it was likely perceived as. Edit: I think maybe the reason I initially described things that way was to give some life to the fantasy, since my kink is all about the interaction and not generally fetishization of specific acts.

Andalusite -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 6:20:15 PM)
CdnExplorer, I'd really appreciate it if you could think back and explain a little more how that changed for you. Was it more of a sudden "lightbulb moment," or a subtle shift in thinking as you got more realtime experience? The first time that she enjoyed a completely different aspect of the play than you did, or than you thought she would, how did you react?

PeonForHer -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 6:26:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact If I am led to believe that someone else wants Me to think, feel, get turned on a certain way, by a certain thing, etc, they are going to be met with a lot of resistance. Indeed. I noticed that on the 'hetero men sucking cock thread, LP. The more some of us tried to turn you on, the more we were met with cold, passionless resistance from you.

Andalusite -> RE: Domme headspace and why* she likes something* (1/31/2010 6:30:14 PM)
It's different when a Domme already feels that way about a particular activity. Nobody was trying to change her mind. [;)]

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