RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (Full Version)

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ranja -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/3/2010 8:23:25 AM)

When we first met about 20 years ago he fell very much in love with me and wanted me to come and live with him... i did because i thought he was very ok and i wanted him too.

Two years later we got married and we loved eachother much... i said it way more often than he did... he is not a great talker in general.

A few years after the big day i had to conclude he was not IN love with me anymore... he cared for me but the 'inloveness' was over... so it eventually ended for me too and we were not IN love anymore and everything started to become staler and staler and we both stopped saying we loved eachother... him first.

Then i did not even know anymore if we still even loved eachother without the IN bit... we stuck together though, we are so well matched, our lives run so smooth thogether... and splitting up seemed such a hassle... i considered an affair but could not find a lover...

Eventually we fell in love again... everything is perfect again... he says i love you again... and so do i... more often than Him.



TopChuck -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/3/2010 12:00:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
For me, it doesn't matter if he *loves* me or not......and it doesn't really matter if I love him..........we're content with how things are and both us of know that the other cares very much.   It doesn't really matter if it's *deep affection* or *huge fondness* if you're content and happy with the way your other half is toward you.

I don't need to describe these things as *love* because it makes no difference nor would it alter anything.

agirl


Exactly.  It's being loved that's important -  not whether being in love is involved.

However, expressing feelings can be an enhancement of the act of loving - "Verbal stroking"!  Some, and I believe OP said she was originally included in that group, insisted on that enhancement and then recanted.

(See UniqueRaven's post regarding enhancement.)

There's a dichotomy in the "BDSM" community, which occurred when that community coopted D/s and declared that D/s is nothing but another kink, within "BDSM"; even though Dominance and submission weren't included in the original acronym.  The dichotomy is the split between those who declare emotional investment in sensual interactions and those who deny that emotional investment is a necessary or involved aspect of D/s.

Outside the dichotomy is the concept that it can be either or both. which allows compromise - where each follows their own perception; even within a pair (or more) who function according to an opposite view of their partner(s).

Your Dom may not consider his acts "loving", but you do.

(It all begins to sound like the Bud Lite commercial, where the guy can't tell his girlfriend that he loves her, but has no trouble telling the waitress he'd "love" another Bud Lite.)



agirl -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/3/2010 1:23:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TopChuck

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
For me, it doesn't matter if he *loves* me or not......and it doesn't really matter if I love him..........we're content with how things are and both us of know that the other cares very much.   It doesn't really matter if it's *deep affection* or *huge fondness* if you're content and happy with the way your other half is toward you.

I don't need to describe these things as *love* because it makes no difference nor would it alter anything.

agirl


Exactly.  It's being loved that's important -  not whether being in love is involved.

However, expressing feelings can be an enhancement of the act of loving - "Verbal stroking"!  Some, and I believe OP said she was originally included in that group, insisted on that enhancement and then recanted.




lol, yes. I realise that some people need the *verbal stroking*, as you put it.....of hearing * I love you*.

It not a show stopper for me, but I think that's because I've been with someone for years whose *fondness*  would be hard to beat. I've been verbally stroked with words such as * you'll do*... *I quite like you*...* you're not bad*.... and the actions that have gone along with them are pretty unbeatable. * Fond* seems to be a really, really super thing.

agirl





CreativeDominant -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/3/2010 4:32:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

maybe its down to personality types but not necessarily all about Ds or Ms.

i just dont think alot of men are terribly good with that sort of stuff. casting my mind back, i actually cant recall a vanilla boyfriend ever saying he loved me, a few asked me to marry them, but 'i love you' wasnt a phrase that tripped off their lips easily.

all of the men in my life have been of a Dominant personality though - so maybe its that 'strong guy' image that has a problem with blatent expressions of love.

OP, my last M said to me that he had no interest in becoming my lover, that i could love him, but that he would only love me in the sense of valuing me as his slave. but there were outward expressions of enjoying 'me' and my company that told me he felt, if not love fully, then a sort of love for who i represented as being to him.

all my relationships with men have been kinda the same on reflection. no verbal spillings or even flagrant expressions, just a look or a smile or a cuddle or a moment that told me they did care.
Maybe tis just me...perhaps I am one of those oddball male dominants;  I have no problem telling a submissive that I love them. 

I have had serious relationships with 4 submissives in the past 10 years.  I loved all of them, though not in the same way.  I loved my first submissive but knew it was never going to be anything of a serious nature...she was married and I was friends with her husband and they were 20 years younger.  I was IN love with my second submissive and wanted to make a life with her.  She wasn't ready to give up some things and so, I sent her home.  I got a royal screw job with my third submissive when I found out that I was the "guy in case"...in case her first dominant did not come back.  I thought I could fall in love with her and am glad that, while I cared tremendously for her, I did not fall in love with her because He did.  My last submissive?  In love with her...very much so.  Told her so...often.  Had no problems with telling her and showing her, both in a material fashion and in physical/mental/emotional fashions.

Some people...NOT just men and not just dominants...have difficulty expressing love.  For some, it is because they have a shield around their heart because of past heartache and because of their own lives.  Life does wound us sometimes, in ways that have nothing to do with the vagaries of a "in-love" relationship and that makes guards come up.  Some people get past those and are able to express it.  Some do not.  And let's be honest here...some people do not have the emotional depth that others do.  That is NOT to say they are shallow...quite the contrary...they may be a very deep person with strong feelings about things but they are just not very sentimental and/or emotional in terms of feeling those things at the depths that others do.



Icarys -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/3/2010 4:45:14 PM)

quote:

Maybe tis just me...perhaps I am one of those oddball male dominants;

Yes yes, your entirely unique in that department. one of a kind..Like a butterflies wings or a precious snowflake.

Come on




Icarys -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/3/2010 4:46:32 PM)

quote:

Maybe tis just me...perhaps I am one of those oddball male dominants;

like the fingerprint of a middle finger, unique?[:D]

All joking aside. I didn't think it was all that rampant..The lack of expression that is. I guess I learned not to have a problem with it from my mother and my stepfather. They are still together after 30 plus years. He and I never got along but I always respected their relationship and appreciated how he was with my mother. They'd get up each morning way before we all would and play a hand of rummy to whatever points they thought they could before having to leave. Whoever won was the one in charge for the day. My mother is and was very submissive but my step-dad always let her think she was in charge even though they both knew it wasn't true. They had their ups and downs but always fouind ways to say I love you.



KnightofMists -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/3/2010 5:30:12 PM)


quote:

In your current and previous romantic relationships that also involved D/s and/or kink, how long has it taken to discover whether or not you love your partner?


It varied... there is no set number.... but I have found the more I admired the person... the faster and easier it was to love them.


quote:


Have you felt that you needed to control your feelings and emotions, or does expressing them come easily?


why is this an either or question?.... Controlled doesn't mean supressed or hidden... I control my emotions for the most part very well... and in part it's because of such control that I can express them constructively with alot of ease and confidence.



osf -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/3/2010 7:54:37 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

maybe its down to personality types but not necessarily all about Ds or Ms.

i just dont think alot of men are terribly good with that sort of stuff. casting my mind back, i actually cant recall a vanilla boyfriend ever saying he loved me, a few asked me to marry them, but 'i love you' wasnt a phrase that tripped off their lips easily.

all of the men in my life have been of a Dominant personality though - so maybe its that 'strong guy' image that has a problem with blatent expressions of love.

OP, my last M said to me that he had no interest in becoming my lover, that i could love him, but that he would only love me in the sense of valuing me as his slave. but there were outward expressions of enjoying 'me' and my company that told me he felt, if not love fully, then a sort of love for who i represented as being to him.

all my relationships with men have been kinda the same on reflection. no verbal spillings or even flagrant expressions, just a look or a smile or a cuddle or a moment that told me they did care.



everybody's gonna hate me but what the hell, i'm getting used to it

feelings of romantic love in a dom can be a hindrance

the important thing is, for whatever reason does he want you enough to stay around



Icarys -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/3/2010 8:20:12 PM)

quote:

everybody's gonna hate me but what the hell, i'm getting used to it

feelings of romantic love in a dom can be a hindrance

the important thing is, for whatever reason does he want you enough to stay around


A lot of things have the potential of becoming hindrances but that doesn't mean it has to. I for one work the opposite. I'm much more likely to make sure things are working well and each party is fulfilling their particular parts when I am in love with the female. It's the fact that I care for the person that drives me to act on the first sign of trouble and to be diligent enough to circumvent things when I can. I do this naturally to begin with but the love intesifies it so..Why? It has to do with the fact that I'm invested in the relationship and feel I have more to lose and also that I have a responsibility as the Dominant to watch over us.



osf -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/3/2010 8:58:45 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

everybody's gonna hate me but what the hell, i'm getting used to it

feelings of romantic love in a dom can be a hindrance

the important thing is, for whatever reason does he want you enough to stay around


A lot of things have the potential of becoming hindrances but that doesn't mean it has to. I for one work the opposite. I'm much more likely to make sure things are working well and each party is fulfilling their particular parts when I am in love with the female. It's the fact that I care for the person that drives me to act on the first sign of trouble and to be diligent enough to circumvent things when I can. I do this naturally to begin with but the love intesifies it so..Why? It has to do with the fact that I'm invested in the relationship and feel I have more to lose and also that I have a responsibility as the Dominant to watch over us.





well at least make them believe you don't love them, makes them try harder



WyldHrt -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/3/2010 9:02:38 PM)

quote:

well at least make them believe you don't love them, makes them try harder

Or it makes them leave. [8|]



jujubeeMB -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/3/2010 9:05:00 PM)

[sm=agree.gif]



Icarys -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/3/2010 9:13:54 PM)

quote:

well at least make them believe you don't love them, makes them try harder

Not good to play those kind of games.



LadyAngelika -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/3/2010 10:07:40 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

well at least make them believe you don't love them, makes them try harder

Not good to play those kind of games.


Agreed.

- LA



WyldHrt -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/3/2010 10:12:42 PM)

 
quote:

Not good to play those kind of games.

I think Hell might have just frozen over..... Icarys and I agreed on something![sm=biggrin.gif]



KateyCaine -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/4/2010 12:08:07 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I couldn't trust him with me if he didn't love me. Friendship came first, then love, then a sexual/bondage d/s relationship.



Absolutely :) I agree, that is how things started with Master and i.

However, "different strokes for different folks" (yep, pun is intended), as they say. Not everyone is looking for that level of of depth as part of their particular D/s relationship, casual or otherwise. Some might feel that that degree of total love and devotion may be too much, for others it may be essential to their D/s.

k.



KateyCaine -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/4/2010 12:12:54 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

well at least make them believe you don't love them, makes them try harder

Not good to play those kind of games.




I agree. That sort of thing is NEVER okay. It only undermines a person's confidence and sense of self-worth and ability to be loved. This is a DESTRUCTIVE way to conduct things, and will only lead to destructive behavior patterns, or possibly even reinforce any negative messages or self-talk the person may have received over the years.



Icarys -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/4/2010 6:57:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

quote:

Not good to play those kind of games.

I think Hell might have just frozen over..... Icarys and I agreed on something![sm=biggrin.gif]

A day to remember for sure..:)



Andalusite -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/4/2010 8:25:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
 How does his care and affection make you feel?  If he said * I love you* what would be different?  Do you think he'd behave in a different way toward you if he loved you? And how do you need it expressed to *feel* that he does?

We discussed this yesterday. While I'd brought it up before a few times, he hadn't realised it was bothering me to this degree (and it has become much more of an issue for me lately). It's not so much about actions - as he put it, if I wanted him to *do* something specific, he could evaluate whether or not that was something he was willing to do. It's the opposite of what I asked initially - he *doesn't* feel he can consciously decide to fall in love with me, or to love me. He wants very much for me to be happy, to have all my needs met, but he's not sure if he can provide that for me. We've decided to put it on the back burner and discuss it in a couple of weeks, after Valentine's Day. His care and affection make me happy - all of my friends comment on how I glow every time I mention him, every time I get a text or a phone call when they're around. It's like Caller ID. "Oh, that's your boyfriend, right? I can tell by the way your eyes light up and the way you smile." before I even say a word.

In my last relationship, though, once I realised that he didn't reciprocate my feelings, I started to pull back a lot emotionally. I realised that the closeness and bonding I felt was illusory and one-sided, since he didn't share them. It made my heart ache, and sometimes my breath would catch and tears would start to leak out at inappropriate moments, when I was full of love for him, then thought about how he didn't share them. We broke up for a few months around that point, and even after we got back together, I still held myself back a lot more emotionally than I had before.

TopChuck, I wish he were "in love" with me, but chemistry, both sexual and D/s that we share, plus romantic love and both of us hoping/wanting to see if we could be life partners is much more meaningful than infatuation or a schoolgirl crush. It's not just the verbal stroking per se. When my previous Dominant said outright that he did *not* feel that way about me, that's a very different message than just not getting the words. My Master said that he feels much more strongly about me than he did even a couple of months ago, but that he hasn't been head over heels in love with his previous girlfriends or submissives, and he's not entirely certain that he'd recognise it if he *did* feel that way. It's not that he isn't willing to tell me how he feels, or that he can't verbally express it exactly, more that he isn't sure how he feels about me.

Osf, he said that he's very happy with me, both as his slave and as his girlfriend, and that he really wants me to stay. I don't think he's pulling mindgames like you describe, but I may be chasing him a bit/trying harder, even though it isn't intentional on his part.

KateyCaine, I want that love and devotion very much, and it's not that he specifically set out for a relationship that didn't include those things. They haven't blossomed yet for us, though. I was trying to get some idea if the time scale was unrealistic for it to happen, if it was going to.



agirl -> RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love to develop? (2/4/2010 1:59:37 PM)

quote:



My Master said that he feels much more strongly about me than he did even a couple of months ago, but that he hasn't been head over heels in love with his previous girlfriends or submissives, and he's not entirely certain that he'd recognise it if he *did* feel that way. It's not that he isn't willing to tell me how he feels, or that he can't verbally express it exactly, more that he isn't sure how he feels about me.



 Are you afraid you're going to end up in the same situation, with *feeling* more for the chap than he feels for you?

It's clear to both M and I that I *feel* a LOT more for him, than he feels for me. If we parted, my life would implode and his would have some uncomfortable ripples.
We don't *feel* the same way about each other because we just don't FEEL in the same way.....about anything. It's not as if he's withholding something from me that he's giving to someone else.....he's just being the way he is.

If he's never been *head over heels* before and isn't sure if he'd know ....isn't sure how he feels about you, either....... what, about that, bothers you so much?
If all you've said above , about glowing when he calls and your eyes lighting up, is the case, then he's making you very happy despite not being sure what he feels for you.

There's no time-scale or security with these things....... you have to find something within yourself that can deal with the fact that other people will never *feel* the same way you do.

You sound disappointed that you feel so much and he *doesn't know*......maybe he'll never *know* if he loves you.......but if he brings you so much happiness, does it matter?

agirl










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